Christmas was coming, the goose was getting fat and all that stuff. With only two weeks towards the 'big day', just about every cartoon character you could think of had the obligatory visions of sugar plums in their head and anticipation for fields of presents, so most of them found themselves going to the annual 'Toon Christmas Festival' to help nurture their festive spirits to the fullest. This year's festival had even promised a live performance from famed imaginary friend band 'Pizza Party'.
The car parks were filled, and in through the gates came several cartoons and their families, the adults looking at the stalls, the children chattering away with some engaged in miniature battles of some kind. They passed through several stalls, one selling 'Sweaters from Around the World', another stocking ancient Christmas albums and one run by Comic Book Guy selling props from the failed live-action remake of 'Christmas Ape'.
Soon, the time came when 'Bloppy Pants' and his friends came on stage with instruments in hand, and with a blow on the microphone, all eyes were on the stage. "Hello, all," said Bloppy Pants, fiddling with the microphone, "I'd like to thank you for coming, and since we're all excited for Santa's big arrival, we wrote this song about it. Hit it!"
(Sing to Surfin' USA by the Beach Boys)
Hope everybody gets a present,
Given on Christmas Day
The gift presented by Santa,
He's cool I should say
You've seen him wearing his booties,
Half-moon glasses too
A bushy bushy white hairdo
He comes on Christmas Day.
You'll see them waiting at Dimmsdale,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
City of Townsville too,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
Metropolis and Gotham,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
Pingu in his igloo,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
All over Foster's Home
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
And in the Milky Way
(Merry, merry,)
We're waiting for Santa
To come on Christmas Day.
We'll all be lighting up our roof,
He's gonna come real soon,
We're hanging up our stockings,
We don't want no gloom,
It's the best time of the winter,
Our favourite holiday,
Tell Easter Bunny that he sucks,
We prefer Christmas day.
The Griffins and Simpsons,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
Billy and Mandy,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
Danny Phantom and June Lee,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
Whiskers and Brandy,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
And all the Weekenders,
(Merry, merry, Christmas day)
At Bahia Bay,
(Merry, merry)
We're waiting for Santa
To come on Christmas Day.
We're waiting for Santa
To come on Christmas Day.
We're waiting for Santa
To come on Christmas Day.
We're waiting for Santa
To come on Christmas Day.
Yeah, we're waiting for Santa
To come on Christmas Day.
Yeah, we're waiting for Santa
To come on Christmas Day...
Most of the crowd cheered, but Lisa Simpson just sat there, slumped over and bored. "C'mon! Couldn't they think of their own tune?" She added with a sigh, "Creativity is dead." Bart had found the whole thing dull too, and considering neither of them wanted to join their mother and baby sister in shopping for fur coats or see their father try to win the eggnog-drinking contest, they couldn't really think of any other alternatives. Getting out of their seats, they just decided to wander around aimlessly until they found something of remote entertainment value.
After walking past Peter Griffin trying to sell copies of his Christmas album, Batman giving a talk about how Christmas is just as depressing as any other day and something with nutmeg, they came to a 'Storytime with Santa' for the kiddies. However, the only 'kiddy' there was young Butters Stotch, waiting impatiently for Santa who was apparently off feeding reindeer. Bart and Lisa joined him, a why-not-it's-not-like-there's-anything-better-to-do attitude shared between them.
"Oh boy!" said Butters as Bart and Lisa walked in, "Santa's gonna come and tell us stories!"
Always one to tick off people he thought beneath him, Bart said, "Geez, it's probably just gonna be some fat drunk guy working just to cover gambling losses!"
Lisa was about to say something when, POOF! A figure appeared on Santa's throne, with a book in its hands. Whatever it was, it only resembled Santa in its wardrobe, being only three feet tall with a gigantic head atop its tiny shoulders. And it was floating. "Cool," was the only response Bart gave.
"Hi kids!" said 'Santa', waving. While Butters clapped, the Simpson kids just stared. "Now you're here to hear some good old-fashioned Yuletide tales. Well, have I got a treat for you!" Immediately he showed the cover of his book: 'Mr. Mxyzptlk's Christmas Anthology' in gold letters, with a picture of a little man that resembled 'Santa' only with a purple bowler and suit. Lisa swore she saw the picture wink. "So kids," continued Santa, opening his book, "do any of you like parties?"
"I do!" cried Butters, "But one time I made a mess and my Dad…"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, spare me your life story. I mean, let me tell you about the rockingest Christmas party there ever was…"
JINGLE BELL SCHLOCK
Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stands an ancient castle. Deep within this dank and uninviting place, lives Berk…
"BERK! Where's my food?"
Berk, a huge blue lump of a creature, hurried with his 'culinary masterpiece' made from various scunges and mildew to appease his grumbling master upstairs, that hideous blob. When Berk was done stirring, he plopped his 'accomplishment' into a bowl and sent it up the dumb-waiter, following up this good deed by slumping down by his friend, Boni the skull.
"I say, Berk," said Boni, "you seem to be more melancholy than usual."
"Sorry, Boni. It's just that Christmas is coming and it ain't all that festive bein' pushed around by ol' Wobblybum!"
"I agree, it would be nice to have an old-fashioned Christmas around this place. It can get so boring!"
"Well, I would put some decorations up, but Drutt and 'is nippers ate them all!" Five small spiders emerged from a closet, tinsel in their mouths. "Not to mention we never get any carol singers."
"I suppose we'll have to grin and bear it, Berk, old chap."
"Aw, geez, if that ain't loser talk, I don't know what is!" came a mysterious voice. This noise frightened Berk, who turned his attention towards the castle's trap door, thinking a monster had escaped yet again. The trap door was closed though. "Over here!" In the corner of the large room stood a little man in a purple suit and matching bowler, with a huge head. When Berk noticed the little creature's presence, he walked up to it with curiosity.
"And who are you?"
"The name's Mr. Mxyzptlk!" said the man, bowing like a Victorian gentleman.
"Wot a funny name!"
"If I had a nickel…anyway, I heard you want a little Christmas shindig 'round here! To tell you the truth, this place could use some sprucing up!"
Berk stared at the cobwebs and debris lying where there should be trees and garlands. "You can say that again."
"So what I'm thinking here is, I make a couple adjustments and we have the swingiest party in toon history!" To illustrate this point, Mxyzptlk magically made himself wear disco clothes and busted a move before returning to his normal attire.
"But what about Ol' Blubberguts upstairs?"
"Blubberguts, Schmubberguts!" Mxyzptlk clicked his fingers, and suddenly, things felt different. A quick check upstairs confirmed it; Him Upstairs had vanished.
"Oh globbits," said Berk, "I can't say I like the looks of this."
"You worry too much, Berk, old pal," said Mxyzptlk, "You gotta live more! After all you've been through, doncha deserve a break?"
At that, a musical number began.
(Sing to Oh My God by Kaiser Chiefs)
MXYZPTLK
Forget the big lump who will never stop
He makes you cook things and wash the pots
Shouldn't work for a guy who makes you labour
Screaming upstairs like a ferocious boar
BERK
I wish that you'd help me
'Cos all I hope to see
Is a brilliant ol shindig
Something really big
MXYZPTLK
Too much time spent washing the slime up
You gotta be living it before your time's up
Running after some stupid beasties
When you should be having a great big feastie
So just listen to me
'Cos I'm gonna make you see
Mxy's party that'll end them all,
I swear you'll have a ball!
With a flash, Mxyzptlk instantly made the castle's mould and mildew disappear. Snow-white wallpaper adorned the walls, tables with food were laid out, and garlands of holly hung from the ceiling.
BERK
Oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
MXYZPTLK
Great parties give you lots of glory
This'll be the greatest in toon history
BERK
Stone me Mx, this is quite impressive
You're so much fun and you're not repressive
BONI
I have a splitting headache
So give the singing a break
MXYZPTLK
Yorick here is such a buzzkill
Wish you'd give him a pill.
BERK
Oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk
The old castle never looked this good
During a musical interlude, Mxyzptlk made more party things appear; mince pies, party hats, noisemakers and watchmen rattles. Berk salivated with excitement.
MXYZPTLK
I am the great Mxyzptlk
And I'm gonna make this party rock
And I am the great Mxyzptlk
And I'm gonna make this party rock
And I am the great Mxyzptlk
And I'm gonna make this party rock
And I am the great Mxyzptlk
And I'm gonna make this party rock
"I must say, Mx, that was some great number there!"
"Please, Berk," sighed Boni, "It's given me quite a headache."
"Hey, what's Christmas without a couple of songs here and there?" said Mxyzptlk, "Now, with all the party stuff done, here's the guest list!"
Boni gulped, despite not having a throat. "Guest list?" Sure enough, Mxyzptlk made a guest list appear and Boni read it. "Shrek?"
"If he can't clear out a room after the party's over, no-one can!"
"Milk and Cheese?"
"They're the ultimate party animals!"
"The Joker?"
"What's a party without him?"
"Pingu?"
"What? I like Pingu!"
"I say, when does this party begin?"
"Why tonight, of course! Everyone was alright about being invited on short notice, after all!" Both Berk and Boni turned to each other with worried looks.
The night of the party came, and Berk, now decked in a tux, paced around nervously, checking the snacks and decorations as much as he could. "Doncha worry," said Mxyzptlk, also all dressed up, "Just leave everything to me. Have fun."
A knock knock knock. Just as Berk walked over to answer, the door exploded off its hinges, meaning that the Joker had made his grand entrance. "I'm Mr. Green Christmas! I'm Mr. Hot!" Boni sighed, knowing this wasn't going to end well. "Mxy!" With that gleeful cry, Joker ran to Mxyzptlk, pinching his cheeks, "Long time no see! No hard feelings about stealing your powers and creating chaos, eh? Oh, almost forgot! I brought some friends to join in the fun! C'mon in, boys!" Berk looked outside and saw that almost every single Batman villain had come to join the party; Two-Face, Scarecrow, Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Killer Croc, Riddler, etc all walked in and dug in to the snacks, placing on their party hats. With a groan, Mxyzptlk conjured up a special table for them all to talk at.
"Hey, hey, who got da party!" Mxyzptlk's face lightened up when he saw the anthropomorphic head of cheese and carton of milk burst through the doorway. "I'm Milk, he's Cheese, we wanna party please!" The two food products immediately grabbed some beers and started drinking.
"Woah, I want some beer too!" said Berk.
"Milk and Cheese share beer? Truly you art a lunatic." While Berk certainly had second thoughts at this point, there was nothing he could do about, because more cartoons had come and the party was in full swing. Therefore, he felt the best thing to do would be to join in the fun and dance to the music. Such a thing was more difficult than he would have hoped as he saw Milk and Cheese abandoning their beers and hopping around the room breaking things and yelling, "MERV GRIFFIN!" over and over again. They had left some beers behind, which were now being guzzled down by Pingu.
Meanwhile, sitting at their table, the villains of Gotham City were all laughing their heads off at a punchline Joker had told, when a red-headed teenage girl approached them.
"Are you the Joker?" she said, "Oh my gosh, I'm Vicky, and you're like, my idol!" She held out a comic. "Will you sign my copy of Killing Joke?" Using a pen with the blood of his victims instead of ink, Joker did as she requested. Then she joined in their discussion of death and murder, popular conversation topics where they came from.
"You think you're fat?" Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin had found themselves in a piano duel. "I'm so fat," said Homer, "when I sit around the house I really sit around the house."
"Geez," said Peter, "You're even more obnoxious than…"
"You always have to do those cutaways like a moron, don't you?"
"Hey! It's my thing! And you're a moron!"
"You're a moron!"
A talking towel with bloodshot eyes leapt on one of the pianos and said, "You're a towel!" Both pianos were then smashed to pieces by Milk and Cheese's wild rampage and they were joined by Pingu, who now had a five-o'-clock shadow and dark circles under his eyes.
"Ooh," moaned Boni, "I do wish this party would end. The guests are getting far too wild."
"Listen to this guy," said Mxyzptlk, suddenly appearing next to the skull, "What a buzzkill!" With that, Mxyzptlk threw Boni down the trap door, which the guests thought was just decoration. Seeing this devious act, Berk took a plummet down the door to find Boni; Joker and Vicky only laughed.
After sliding down into a dingy, cobweb-infested series of catacombs, Berk began to search for his friend, certain he'd have to fight off at least one malevolent creature. However, as he made his way down the tunnel, he saw carcasses of several hideous monsters, with green blood oozing all over the floor. "Oh globbits." At that point, he saw none other than Santa Claus, his once jolly robes in shreds, his skin scarred and bleeding, a machine gun in one hand and Boni in the other.
"Thank God you found me!" said Santa.
"Who trapped you here, Santa?" asked Berk.
"It was the Grinch…"
"But the Grinch is nice now!"
"It was his son, Grinch Junior, who wants to avenge his father's being forced into the Christmas spirit!"
"That's right! And you'll never stop me!" Just then, Grinch Junior appeared and he had huge muscles and a plasma gun. He fired the plasma gun at Santa, but he rolled over to avoid the attack. Berk decided to help out by throwing some slime in Grinch Junior's eyes, blinding him for a few moments.
Then, "JUDO CHOP!" Berk performed a 'judo chop' right at Grinch Junior's gut, knocking him over. The plasma gun clattered on the floor, giving Santa the perfect opportunity to grab it and blast Grinch Junior's head off. With Grinch Junior dead, Berk, Boni and Santa travelled the catacombs to find a way out. Eventually, they found a passage that led back to the castle, but when they got there, the party was over. Everybody had left, except Pingu, collapsed in a pile of drunken drool, Vicky, knocked unconscious by Harley Quinn and Mxyzptlk himself.
"OK, blue boy," he said to Berk, "Party's over, here's the bill!" Needless to say, Mxyzptlk's bill was really long like in those slapstick cartoons, and, following on from this, Berk's eyes popped.
"Don't worry, Berk," said Santa, "I'll loan you the money."
"Oh, thank you."
"You just have to do a few odd jobs…"
So Berk had to temporarily be one of Santa's elves, making toy choo-choos while being ordered about by an angry elf on steroids. "MOVE IT! My grandma can work faster than you! I've seen better-looking choo-choos in the scrapyard!"
And just when it looked like things couldn't get any worse… "BERK! What's the big idea sendin' me to the North Pole?"
"So, kiddies," said 'Santa' to Bart, Lisa and Butters, "What'd ya think?"
"It was pretty lame," said Lisa, "but it was pretty creepy how you knew about Dad."
"Lis, that story had everything!" said Bart, "Parties, drunken rages, judo chops!"
"I liked it," said Butters, "except the part where Grinch Junior died."
"Well, wait 'til you kids getta load of my next story!"
Meanwhile, on a hill overlooking the festival, a group of cute woodland critters stood and cringed at the toons celebrating.
"Oh, phooey," said a bear, called Beary Bear, "we were supposed to build our demonic temple of evil there today!" The whole crowd sighed.
"Aw, c'mon, y'all, don't be down!" said a squirrel, Squirrelly Squirrel, "We can still build our temple, and feed our bloodlust while we're at it!" The critters all cheered, hatching up a devious plot.
Do these critters sound familiar to you South Park fans? They should...
I know some of you may not know who Berk and Boni are, well, they're from an old show called 'The Trap Door', which has some eps available on YouTube.
Join us next time for Mxy's next story, and whether the critters' plan will come to fruition, or maybe not.