Behind the Smile
Kurt sat with his back against the bath tub. He look down at the smooth porcelain tiles while he thought deeply. Kurt loved his life. He had an amazing boyfriend, a loving and accepting family, and a lot of friends, but for some reason, he just wasn't feeling as happy as he used to. As a matter of fact, he felt Horrible.
About 2 months after he transferred to Dalton, he started to feel really depressed. He didn't know if it was because he missed his friends or if he was upset that Blaine hadn't shown the same feelings that Kurt had for him. He carried along with his depression, and the same day Blaine and Kurt officially became a couple, all of the sadness inside of him seemed to float away; That is, until the honeymoon phase went away.
Kurt couldn't figure why he was sad again. He couldn't even focus on his school work. All he could think about was why he was depressed again. And then it hit him as soon as he got the call from his dad saying that he need to report to McKinley tomorrow for a meeting with Karofsky and Figgins. He didn't even have to wait for his dad to tell him why there was a meeting. He knew. It was about him transferring back. As soon as he hung up the phone, he once again felt happy.
Then it happened again. After about a week being back at McKinley, he felt depressed, and not like he did before; he wanted to die. As much as he loved his life, there was this never ending pain inside of him. So after the New York trip, he planned it all out:
He first started by planning what he was going to do with all of his things. As he was organizing his CDS, Burt knocked on his door.
"Come In." Kurt yelled.
"What's all of this?" Burt asked
"I'm rearranging some of my stuff around" Kurt said as he placed another Broadway CD into a box
"Well, okay. Dinner will be done in 5 minutes" Burt said as he shut Kurt's door, oblivious to the fact that the box that Kurt was putting his Broadway CDS (which was the only music Kurt seems to listen to) in said For Rachel.
His next step was to decide what would happen to him after he died. He thought long and hard on this, but he decided that he wanted cremation. Even thought he would love to be buried next to his mom, he read online that you could make the ashes into rings, necklaces and more, so he would love to make sure that he would always be with the people he loved. He didn't think that his dad would want that so just in case, he picked out a casket and outfit that he would want to be buried in. You'd think looking at those websites would make him sad, but It actually made him feel Happy.
Then he planned the final step; How he was going to kill himself. He thought about cutting his most important arteries, but that made him squirmy, so he decided on the most pain free death there is; Overdose. He knew that Finn had depression, so he could probably sneak some pills from without him even noticing. He picked this upcoming Friday to be the day he would take his life. He didn't have any plans so it seemed perfect.
Friday morning was when Kurt started telling everyone their goodbyes (without really saying it of course)
"AHH! KURT!" Mercedes screamed when he came up behind her and gave her a huge hug.
"Oh Mercedes, I love you so much." Kurt looked at her and took her hands and started to swing them
Mercedes giggled and smiled back at him.
"I just wanted to Thank you for being such a good friend. I don't feel like I tell you enough" Kurt said in an overly nice voice
"Oh Kurt, I love you too! I'm so lucky I have a friend like you"
Kurt Pulled her into a long tight hug. "Well I have to go." Kurt said as he pulled away. "I can't be late for French Class again"
"I've got to get heading to Biology anyway. I'll see you on Monday!"
Kurt smiled at her as he watched her walk down the hallway. It made him sad that he would never see her again, but he had to escape this other pain eating him away on the inside.
During the rest of the day, he said goodbye to each of the glee club members. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, that is, until he went to give Rachel an extra special goodbye. He texted Rachel to come and meet up with him after school in the auditorium.
"Hi Kurt!" Said Rachel as she walked onto the stage wearing her usual short skirt, Bright colored tights, flats, and a tacky sweater.
"Rachel, I really want to sing with you" Kurt said with that smile on his face that he had been faking for months now.
"I'm glad that someone wants to hear my gift." Rachel said as she smiled at Kurt "What song?"
Kurt sighed "For Good. I know we already sung that song in New York, but I really want to do it again."
"All right" Rachel said "Are we going to have music this time?"
"Yep! I have it all planned out" As soon as he said that, he pointed to a guy up in the sound booth, and then the music started.
"I'm Limited" Rachel Started. Kurt just stared at her in amazement until it got to his part
"I've heard it said Like a comet pulled from orbit
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good."
...
"Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good..."
On that last phrase, Rachel glanced over at Kurt and noticed that he was crying. As any good friend would do, she pulled him into a tight hug.
"Aww, Kurt! Why are you crying?" Rachel asked
"Your voice... It's just so beautiful" Kurt said trying to hide the real reason why he was crying
Rachel thought it was odd. The only time he cried before at one of her performances was "My Man" and that performance was much more breath taking than the one they just sang. She just pushed the though aside and pulled away from Kurt.
"Well, I should get going. Mercedes and I are going to go shopping for some new... lady products, if you catch my drift." Rachel said
Kurt chuckled "I should get going too. Have fun!" he watched Rachel start to walk away "Rachel... Wait." He ran up to her and gave her one last hug. Rachel laughed. "I'm so glad you're my friend. I love you Rachel, and never forget it." Kurt whispered in her ear.
Rachel once again thought that was odd, but she didn't put the pieces together. "I.. I love you too Kurt." With that, Kurt waved and walked away, thinking that that was going to be the last time that he would ever see Ms. Rachel Berry.