A/N: Just a note: Yes, both Kurt and Sebastian are kind of sneaky and conniving in this. I recognize that.
"I can't believe you guys are having a kid," Mercedes says, holding her coffee cup up for the waiter across the patio to see, wordlessly requesting a second cup. "Of all the people who got married after high school, frankly, you two were the last on my list."
Kurt chuckles as takes out his phone and checks his text messages. He knows that when Mercedes says 'you two', she means Sebastian.
Sebastian knows it, too.
"Thanks a lot," he says.
"Don't be like that," Mercedes chuckles, giving their handsome Dominican waiter a quick up and down before she continues. "When you guys moved into the new penthouse, I tried to give you a cactus as a housewarming present. Do you remember?"
"Vaguely," Sebastian says, pointing to his own cup before the waiter gets the chance to rush off to another table.
"Well, do you remember that you turned it down? You said they were too much responsibility."
"I thought it was nicer than telling you it was a lame present."
Kurt snickers, but he doesn't say a word in either his best friend's or his husband's defense. He knows better than to get between the two of them.
Mercedes rolls her eyes, but lets the subject drop. A cactus is kind of a lame present, but the two men didn't register anywhere when they moved, and she had no idea what to get them. Between the two of them, they have more money than anyone she knows. Besides, lame or not, a cactus isn't worth getting into an argument over, not on such a special occasion. "So, do you guys know what it's going to be yet?"
"No," Kurt says, stowing his phone now that the battle is over.
"Yes," Sebastian answers at the exact same time.
Kurt turns to his husband, a betrayed look on his face. "You know!?"
Sebastian smirks, calmly adding sugar to his coffee. "Have you even met me? Of course, I know. I asked the doctor before we left the office with Trish." Mercedes tilts her head at the name, and Sebastian says, "Our surrogate."
Kurt looks at Mercedes, crestfallen, then back at his all too cavalier husband. "We swore we wouldn't. We decided that we wanted it to be a surprise."
"You made that decision." Sebastian lifts his cup to his lips. "I never agreed to be a part of it."
"But" – Kurt reaches for his bag hanging off the back of his chair. He opens the flap, reaches in, and pulls out a handful of paperwork – "we wrote up a contract."
"Wrote up?" Sebastian blows across the surface of his coffee. "You downloaded it from the Oprah website. And by the way, it's in no way legally binding. I checked."
Kurt nods, his shoulders slumped, every inch of happiness drained from his body. "So you know, and I don't." He shoves the contract hastily into his bag, pages bending and crinkling.
"Yup," Sebastian says.
"Great. That's just…that's just great," Kurt mutters, flattening the bulge in the bag, created by the defiled contract. "That's just another thing..."
Sebastian quirks a brow, curious. "What do you mean another thing?"
"You always have to come out on top, don't you?" Kurt repositions his strap on the back of his chair, busying himself fixing it so he doesn't have to look at his husband's smug face. "You always have to win."
Sebastian puts down his cup, attitude changing as he watches his husband fight with his bag.
"This really bothers you, doesn't it?" Sebastian asks. He glances over at Mercedes, who's been sadly watching her friend grapple with his husband's snidely delivered revelation. But when Sebastian turns her way, she looks at him and glares.
"Of course, it bothers me," Kurt snaps. "We made a decision. It was important to me. And you're treating it like a joke."
"Kurt, I'm…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to treat it like a joke. You know how I am. I'm an ass. You knew that when you married me." Sebastian reaches across the table for Kurt's hand, but Kurt jerks it away. "I was just…I was so excited, Kurt. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to spend the rest of this pregnancy daydreaming and planning. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."
Sebastian moves his seat closer to Kurt, and finally grabs his husband's hands in his. He struggles to catch Kurt's darting gaze, but when he does, he holds it, staring deep into his eyes.
"Kurt?" Kurt's complete and utter loathing for his husband melts for the moment, and Sebastian smiles the most sincere smile Mercedes has ever seen. "Do you wanna know what it is?"
Kurt looks at their hands, joined together in his lap. "Maybe…"
Sebastian scoots in a little closer, till he can rest his forehead against his husband's, and says softly, "It's a girl."
Mercedes puts a hand to her chest. "Praise! Oh, Kurt! You've always wanted a girl!"
"Sebastian!" Kurt smiles, his mouth startled open in awe. "A girl? I can't…I can't believe it!"
"I know," Sebastian says with a tremendous amount of pride considering his big contribution to the whole procedure was kissing his husband's neck and playing with his nipples while Kurt whacked off into a cup.
"And you…" Kurt shakes his head, his brow crinkling as he tries to find the right words to convey his complicated emotions. "You…you…you idiot!"
"What!?" Sebastian's face drops so fast that Mercedes, quietly going unnoticed, almost gets whiplash.
"If you found out before I did, you weren't supposed to tell me!" Kurt whines. "No matter what I say! No matter how upset I get!"
Sebastian chokes, completely dumbfounded. "B-but…but you…"
"It's in the contract!" Kurt yanks a hand from his husband's grasp and smacks his lumpy bag, deflating it further. "Which you obviously didn't read when you signed it!"
"Because that contract is insane!"
"So, I'm insane now," Kurt gripes, pulling his other hand away and crossing his arms. "Is that it? Is that what you're saying?"
Sebastian starts to agree. He's about to tell Kurt that he's overreacting, but he pulls back. He takes a deep breath. He counts to ten. He doesn't need to argue with his husband. He wants to prove - as he's been trying to for months - that he can be sensitive to his feelings. They're going to have a baby soon, after all. He needs to learn to dial down the snark from here on out; listen when people tell him how they feel instead of waiting for a pause and interjecting a sarcastic remark.
Besides, getting under Kurt's collar like this is sort of what Sebastian lives for.
"Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to. But I promise…I'll make it up to you."
Kurt scoffs. "I've heard that one before."
"I mean it," Sebastian says, in a sultry voice that sounds like this spat might actually be turning him on. Mercedes returns her attention to her cup of coffee. A horny Sebastian is not something she needs to see. "Tell me what I can do? Hmm? I'll do anything."
"Anything?" Kurt asks with hopeful eyebrows raised.
"Anything. Just name it."
"Can we go to Martha's Vineyard this weekend?" Kurt asks with a speed that makes Mercedes mildly suspicious, as does the way Sebastian sighs, resigned, as if this topic has been brought to the bargaining table before and shot down.
"Of course," Sebastian says, prying his husband's hands from underneath his arms and bringing them to his lips. "If that's really what you want."
"Yes," Kurt pouts. "That's what I want."
"Alright." Sebastian kisses Kurt's knuckles, then his forehead. "I'm going to go to the restroom, then I'll make some calls."
"Okay." Kurt says. "Let me call Trish. I'll let her know we're going to be out of town. See if there's someone she can stay with who'll look after her for us."
"Good idea," Sebastian says. With a brief acknowledgement to their uncomfortable lunch guest, he walks off through the other tables on the patio toward the restroom.
Mercedes watches him leave with heat in her eyes for her sniffling best friend.
"I'm so sorry he ruined that for you," Mercedes says sympathetically, putting a hand on Kurt's shoulder.
Kurt peeks up at her through his lashes and grins.
"Mercedes Jones," he says in a much more chipper voice, "you've known me for how long?" He grabs a napkin off the table and starts patting underneath his eyes. "Do you really think I didn't know?"
Mercedes's brows shoot straight up. "Wha-you…you knew?"
"Of course, I knew. I texted Trish on the sly the second we left the doctor's office. Bribed her with a spa weekend at Greenhouse Holistic if she swore she wouldn't tell Sebastian I knew."
"Kurt, that's kind of mean," Mercedes says, suddenly feeling guilty for judging Sebastian the way she had.
"I know," Kurt agrees, his cheerful smile fading, becoming genuinely remorseful, "but I learned a long time ago that that's the way Sebastian works. I've been trying to get him out of the city for so long, but something's always coming up – his work, my work. We almost managed to get away, but then we found out that Trish was pregnant, and he refused to leave."
"He's just worried," Mercedes says. "This is his first kid. He's gonna be a little overprotective."
"I understand how he feels, but after our baby's born, we'll never get the chance to go away together. Trish is healthy, our little girl is fine," he adds with giddy emphasis, "plus, Trish is going to be at the spa the weekend we're away, and they have a medical team on staff. I have all of our bases covered. I planned it down to the letter." He drops his eyes sheepishly. "I'm sorry that I sort of used you to get to this point." Mercedes gasps, shocked. "Well, I had to get the ball rolling," Kurt explains. "We're running out of time. And I knew you would ask."
Mercedes shakes her head, too impressed by her genius friend to be too mad at being used for his dastardly plan. "Kurt Hummel-Smythe, you are an evil man."
"Yes" – He reclines in his chair, crossing one leg over the other – "but I'm an evil man who finally found a way to get his husband to agree to go on our first vacation in over three years." Kurt tosses his napkin on the table and reaches for his glass of iced tea. "Call it my push present. I pushed…now I get a present. And I promise" – He pauses to take an overly suggestive sip out of the straw in his drink – "I'll make it up to him."