This is a one shot inspired by Danelle and Sam. I blame you both for this.
I was going to work on Fighting For Love and My Only Exception but they wanted this so blame them for the delay – I'm kidding …. Kind of.
Where here it is… enjoy and please leave me some nice feedback… you know how much I like that.
I thought I knew the meaning of love, ever since I was ten I thought I knew what love was and how it made you feel but I didn't. What I thought to be true for years turned out to be lies. It wasn't until I looked into the eyes of my baby girl and seeing my eyes looking back at me that I finally realised what love is. It's that unconditional commitment to protect her, that unspoken promise to love her and to always be there for her, seeing her green eyes looking back at me showed me hope, it told me I would always have someone in my life who loves me just as much as I love her, it told me we have a bond that could never be broken – We have the bond of blood.
I will never forget the first time I held all six pound two ounces of her in my arms or heard her cry, in that moment I felt my heart fill with the love I thought I had lost forever. When I was ten my mother was murdered and it made me feel as if I had nothing. My father went to prison for her murder and I was adopted by my parents best friend. Last year my father had a heart attack in prison and I lost the remainder of my love. The day I lost my father I didn't think I would ever be able to love again, I didn't want to love again because everything I love gets taken away from me. My parents, Lucy Spencer the girl I had a crush on for most of my school life, I lost her – well technically I never had her as she didn't know I existed but I watched her date the school jock – I mean jerk but just holding my baby girl and looking at her I felt that love I thought I'd lost forever, all that love wrapped up into someone so little.
Resting my elbow on the arm of the chair, I looked over towards the hospital bed where Caitlin lay on her side facing towards me, our baby girl beside her both sleeping peacefully and I couldn't help but smile. Using my arm to hold my head up I sat and watched them both wondering how I became so lucky. Why Caitlin decided to give me this special gift, out of everyone in the world she gave me this gift and I will never be able to show her how much it means to me. Almost everyone around us said that we're making a huge mistake by having this baby, no one more than Joe and Caitlin's bitch of a mother.
I'll be the first to admit the circumstances around how our baby girl came to be are not the most conventional but that doesn't mean we will not love her just as much as parents who are married or even in a relationship. We both had a moment of weakness, we both felt low and found comfort in each other and the result of that night is our baby girl but if I could turn the clock back, I wouldn't change a thing. She is perfect and I know Caitlin will make the perfect mother as for my abilities as a father, I will have to learn fast but I did spend many nights at Caitlin's place reading baby book with her but reading a book and dealing with the real thing are completely two different things. Our baby girl who is yet to be named will just have to be easy and patient with me.
During Caitlin's pregnancy we did stubble upon the topic of names and Caitlin suggested we call the baby Harry for a boy with it being a more modern version of Henry or Nora for a girl but I told her no. I wanted our baby to have their own identity and not one of someone else, as much as I love my parents I didn't want our baby to be a reminder of everything I have lost I wanted our baby to be a new beginning but as for a name nothing has been decided yet, it's on the to do list as soon as Caitlin wakes up.
Stirring in her sleep, Caitlin turned over, her back towards me before settling back down again. Hearing footsteps in the hallway outside, followed by voice of a midwife telling someone they can't go somewhere I rolled my eyes, anyone would think that there isn't sleeping babies and mothers here, just like Caitlin who gave birth not even two hours ago and our baby some people have no respect for others.
I heard is voice before I saw him, of course it had to be him making all the noise I thought to myself as I turned to look at the doorway where Cisco appeared fighting his way through the door with a large bunch of pink, baby's head, it's a girl and bottle shaped balloons, finally making his way into the room with the two dozen balloons, a five foot stuffed teddy bear wearing an 'It's a girl' t-shirt and a midwife hot on his heels. "I sorry sir I told him he isn't allowed in" The midwife glanced in my direction before glaring at Cisco who set the balloons down in the corner of the room.
"It's ok he can stay" I smiled at the midwife. "But not for long" I turned to look at Cisco who stood beaming at me from the corner of the room.
"Very well if you need anything then don't hesitate to call for one of us" with a smile the midwife left the room as I turned to glare at Cisco wondering what the hell he is doing here at almost midnight.
"What are you doing here at this time? More importantly where did you get all this stuff from at this time of night?" I asked shaking my head at him. I watched as he grabbed another of the empty chairs and sat the bear on it beside the bed. No doubt that will give Caitlin a heart attack when she wakes up I thought to myself as he walked over to me, patting me on the back.
"I got them this morning when you said she had gone into labour"
"But we didn't know it was a girl" I pointed out wondering how he knew what balloons to get also what t-shirt he clearly had made.
"I got both, I gave the 'it's a boy' balloons to a woman down the hallways who's just had a little boy who they have named Jacob – he's a right little cutie but that's not the point. I'm here to see my little Francesca" with the excitement in his voice I wouldn't have been surprised if he started jumping up and down while clapping his hands.
"Your little who now?" I asked wondering where he got the idea we're going to call her Francesca from, he clearly dreamt that one up and hasn't ran that ides past Caitlin would tell him where to go.
"One keep your voice down, if you wake them I will kill you and secondly we're not calling her Francesca so get that idea out of your head before Cait knocks it out for you"
Waving me off, he walked over to where our baby girl lay fast asleep beside her mother. "She isn't yours bro – she's far too cute to be yours" turning his attention back to me he shook his head. "On a scale of one to ten she is a fifteen. She is so small and cute. Have you seen her little hands they're so tiny"
"Yes I have seen her hands, she is my daughter. I've held her in my arms. I was here the moment she was born" I informed him knowing I will forever be in awe of Caitlin for bringing her into the world. She may have almost of broken my hand while doing so but it's worth it – so worth it the moment I held her in my arms for the very first time. Hell in that moment Caitlin could have broken my ear and sent me temporarily deaf with her screaming and I wouldn't have minded because she brought our baby girl into this world and I am thankful for that, someone who is half me and half her, fifty-fifty of us both.
"Dude she is so dope, can I hold her?"
"NO" I said a little too loudly making Caitlin stir again but luckily she settled again in the same position on her side facing the large bear. "You have the habit of dropping things butter fingers, you're not dropping my daughter" I whispered walking over to him. Looking into the small crib I found myself smiling again as I looked at my daughter, something I think I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life.
"No I don't" Cisco protested making me want to roll my eyes at him.
"Let's look at the evidence shall we. Last week you dropped your coffee onto the cortex floor. Three days ago you dropped a sandwich onto your keyboard – do I need to continue?"
"Fine I get the point but I promise not to drop her" he ran the back of his index finger down her cheek which made her stir, a loud piercing cry falling from her mouth.
"Now you've done it, if you wake Cait then I will kill you" warning him I lighting pushed him out of the way and picked my baby girl up, cradling her against my chest making her cries subside.
"How did I know a simple touch would wake her?" Cisco shot at me in defence.
"Shut up Cisco" I glared at him lighting rubbing my daughters back to calm her. "Hey baby girl, we don't want to wake mommy do we?" I asked realizing my conversation is going to be very one sided.
"Awe dude I just realized you guys are parents now. Cait's a mom – You're a dad… Hell I'm an uncle –that's so trippy" Cisco looked at me as if he has just figured out the secrets to the universe. If it's taken him this long to figure that out then he has no chance of winning a noble prize.
"That's normally how it works when two people have a baby, they become parents"
"Well I think this is where I leave, ill text you tomorrow" He patted me on the back on his way to the door. Nodding in agreement I began to rock my daughter back and forth my eyes focused on Cait not wanting her to wake up yet. She needed to rest. "Goodbye Francesca" Cisco added from the door.
"Her name isn't Francesca" I shot back turning to look at the door to find Cisco had already left. "And I'm talking to myself" I spoke to the empty doorway. "Don't listen to Uncle Cisco we're not calling you Francesca, you don't look like a Frankie" moving her to lie along my forearm, I looked at her little face knowing we would both be insane to name her that. I don't care if it will break Cisco's heart he'll get over it. When he has his own kids – god, please help them – he can name his own daughter Francesca.
"Hi beautiful" I cooed as her little eyes opened, the piercing greens looking back at me bring an automatic smile to my face. I don't think anyone can bring me down from the cloud I am currently on. Having a child is the best feeling in the world, knowing you have brought life into this world. Caitlin may have done all the hard work but she is half me, I created half of her. I helped bring her into this world and that is the best feeling in the world. If I accomplish nothing else in my lifetime then my daughter is more than enough to say I've lived a great life knowing I will get to watch her grow up. First words, first steps, first day of school and god help me even her first date which is hopefully thirty years from now if not longer.
"You're the luckiest little girl in the world baby, do you know that? You have the best mommy in the world. She will fuss over you and you'll find it annoying but it's only because she cares so much. We're both going to love you so much and I might not always be around but if you need me then I will come running because nothing and no one is more important to me that you" sitting down on the chair again, I sat her on my lap, supporting her head with both of my hands. Holding her so she was looking at me and I could look at me. Stealing a quick glance at Caitlin to see she was still asleep I turned my attention back to my little princess.
"Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're a mistake because you're not. We both love you and we always will and I love mommy even if she doesn't love me but we'll keep that just between us. The night we made you, it wasn't a mistake it was love. So if you're a mistake then you're the greatest mistake I have ever made because I wouldn't change you for the world. You're fifty percent of me and fifty percent mommy. You may have my eyes and nose but you're just as beautiful as your mommy – you're my girls" running my little finger over the back of her tiny hand, her small hand gripped my finger in a vice like grip, showing me how strong she is already at only two hours old.
"You'll be smart and beautiful like your mommy, you'll break all the boys' hearts and I'm ok with that as long as they don't break yours but if they do break your heart don't worry because daddy will break their legs. Yes he will but don't worry he works for the police, he'll get away with it" I laughed to myself knowing as a CSI I could easily lose evidence and make it look like it was anyone other than me plus with Joe beside me, I don't think he would blame me, not once he's met this little heartbreaker tomorrow hopefully then he'll see how wrong he is and that she isn't a mistake some goes for Iris. I can't lie I'm still a little angry at the for saying that my child is a mistake and for suggesting Caitlin has an abortion or gives the baby up for adoption – like either of us could do that.
Many people raise children from different home and they turn out just fine what makes this any different? Yes we had a one night stand and we got the greatest gift from it but that doesn't mean she is a mistake or that we should give up on her. I plan on being in her life as much as Caitlin will allow me, I will support them both the best I can. If I had my way I would be there for every bath and bedtime, for every night feed. Whenever she has a nightmare I wish I could be there to hold her and tell her everything is ok and that there isn't any monsters under the bed or in the closet but I know that isn't possible but whatever time Caitlin allows me to have with her, I will take it with both hand. I will pay Caitlin the correct child support and do whatever I can to make sure my daughter know who I am, apart from that there is nothing else I can do. The last thing I want to be is a deadbeat dad.
Cradling her in my arms, wrapping her pink blanket tighter around her small body to make sure she didn't get cold, I stood up and walked over to the window. Looking out of the window at the city now cloaked in darkness it made me realise how much life can change in the space of a day. Yesterday I was helping Caitlin make sure everything was ready for the arrival of our baby, a baby that still didn't feel real as if someone was going to pinch me and I would wake up from a long dream and there was no baby or nothing and today I became a dad, I now had someone who depended on me for everything, I'm going to be the only man in her life who will never break her heart instead I will be the one who helps her put it back together again and I've never been more grateful, I now have a reason to get out of bed in a morning apart from going to work.
"This is going to be your home, your city." I began to speak, holding my daughter up to look out the window, watching her greens move from side to side as if taking in the sight in front of her. "The place where you'll grow up before you go off to college where you'll learn to concur the world, the place where you'll figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life, the place where you'll fall in love for the first time and no matter where you go in this big world, you'll always call this home because this is where your family will be" sighing I pressed my lips against her forehead.
Suddenly her piercing crying started again making me panic a little as I didn't want her to wake Caitlin, not yet – as selfish as it sounds I'm enjoying my alone time with my daughter but not only that Caitlin needed to rest, she had a long labour and needed to recover. Doing the only thing I could think off I lay her against my chest, rubbing her back as I began to sing the lullaby my mom used to sing to me as a child.
Hush now,
Close your eyes and sleep
Waltzing the waves
Diving in the deep
Stars are shining bright
The wind is on the rise
Whispering words of long lost lullabies
Oh won't you come with me
Where the moon is made of gold
And in the morning sun
We'll be sailing
Oh won't you come with me
Where the ocean meets the sky
And as the clouds roll by
We'll sing the song of the sea
I had a dream last night
And heard the sweetest sound
I saw a great white light
And dancers in the round
Castles in the sand
Cradles in the trees
Don't cry, I'll see you by and by
Oh won't you come with me
Where the moon is made of gold
And in the morning sun
We'll be sailing
Oh won't you come with me
Where the ocean meets the sky
And as the clouds roll by
We'll sing the song of the sea
Rolling, Rolling, Rolling, Rolling
Oh won't you come with me
Where the moon is made of gold
And in the morning sun
We'll be sailing free
Oh won't you come with me
Where the ocean meets the sky
And as the clouds roll by
We'll sing the song of the sea
The words turned into a quiet hum as I rocked from side to side, an unsettling feeling forming in the pit of my stomach knowing that as soon as Caitlin gets to go home, I will be spending my night apart from my daughter and I will not get these moment with her, I will not get to sing her back to sleep in the middle of the night and I hated the idea of it. I hated the idea of being apart from either of them. I wanted to be with them all the time; I wanted it to be like this. Not only will I miss these moments but it makes me wonder what else I will miss. The first's I plan on being there for, will I miss them as well. Will I just get to hear about them instead of witnessing them with my own eyes or hearing her first word?
"Where is she" I heard Caitlin's panicked voice behind me. "Where's my baby?"
"Cait she's here, she's safe. It's ok" I turned to face her, showing her our sleeping daughter against my chest, seeing her relax in front of my eyes as the panic and worry left her.
"Did you sleep?"
"Not yet" I smiled walking over to her, waiting for her to get back into bed. Once she was settled back on the bed I handed our little girl to her as she cradled her in her arms.
"Where did the balloons and that thing come from?" she asked pointing to the oversized teddy bear beside her, the teddy that will take our daughter until her teens to grow into.
"Cisco stopped by earlier while you were sleeping, who else would go so overboard" I laughed sitting on the edge of the bed beside them.
"Speaking of earlier should we talk about what happened?" Caitlin asked looking up at me, I knew we would have to talk about this, we couldn't avoid it forever but I didn't know what to say – well that isn't true. I know what to say I just don't know what she wants to hear.
"I'm sorry" I sighed running my hand through my hair to my neck, rubbing it awkwardly. "You know what I'm not sorry, I'm not sorry I kissed you. I thought it was an in the moment thing but it wasn't. I've wanted to do that ever since you told me you were pregnant if not longer" dropping my hand to my lap I began to play with my fingers.
"Barry I –"
"Cait I can't stop thinking about you" I cut her off knowing if I didn't get this off my chest not then I never would. "Since the moment I met you I've not been able to stop thinking about you. Every time you smile, every time you laugh – hell every time I'm with you I fall a little bit more in love with you and I'm not just saying this because you're the mother of my child. I've wanted to say this to you for a long time but never found the courage to do so. After we spent that night together I thought thing might have changed between us but you said we should pretend like it never happened but I couldn't and then you told me you were pregnant and I took that as a sign that maybe that night wasn't supposed to be forgotten. I'm in love with you Cait and I want us to be a family – the three of us a real family. I want you, I was us and I want this family" focusing on my fingers I allowed my confession to hang in the air, waiting for Caitlin to tell me that she didn't want the same thing, to say anything so I know what she is thinking because the silence is killing me.
"Barry look at me" Her voice sounded like velvet as she spoke making it impossible for me not to look at her, even if I didn't want to, if she is going to reject me then I don't want to look her in the eyes while she does it. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"
"I was afraid of the rejection, I've put myself out there in the past and all I got in return was rejection" I shrugged knowing her rejection will hurt more than any other I have faced in my life.
"You're such a dummy" she laughed, awkwardly smiling to myself I saw the tears begin to build in her eyes. Panic took over my whole body thinking I had said something wrong, that I had upset up. Why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut? I thought to myself. "I only suggested we forget that night ever happened because I didn't think you were interested in anything else. From that very first moment when you stood on my foot on the dancefloor you made my heart skip a beat, I didn't even want to go out that night but Cisco made me and I'm so happy I did because I wouldn't have met you. Together we have created the greatest gift known to man, together we created life – planned or not but it's still a life" pausing she took my hand into her, placing it onto her chest. "Can you feel that Barry Allen, even now you still make my heart skip a beat" silent tears fell down cheeks as we sat looking at each other, using my free hand I lightly brushed them away as they fell but found myself looking at Caitlin in awe.
Not wanting to wait a minutes longer, I pressed my lips against hers, my hands moving from her chest to cup her face being careful not to squish our daughter as I did so, feeling Caitlin kiss me back I feel the past three years of tension lift from my shoulders. I didn't have to hide my feeling anymore, I finally found the courage to tell her how I feel and it feels amazing knowing she is finally mine. Breaking apart I rested my forehead against hers looking into her chocolate coloured eyes that had finally stopped sheading silent tears.
"I don't want to waste any more time – we've wasted enough. Move in with us" Caitlin said which brought a huge smile to my face knowing all the moment I wanted with them can still happen. Nodding my head yes I pressed my lips against hers again in a quick simple kiss.
"We still need to name this little lady" I said pulling away from her, both of us turning our attention to the sleeping bundle of joy in her lap. "Have you any ideas?"
"How about we both say a name and see what we come up with?"
Nodding in agreement I thought through the list of baby names we went through and the ones we short listed to see if any suited her.
"Emilia" Caitlin said as I said the name Grace.
"Emilia Grace Snow" I smiled knowing the name fitted her perfectly.
"Allen" Caitlin corrected me.
"Really?" I asked the idea of her wanting to give our daughter my surname made me smile wider than the Chester Cat.
"One Allen isn't enough in my life, I need another" she laughed resting her head against my shoulder.
Kicking my feet up onto the bed, I lifted my arm up allowing Caitlin to rest her head against my chest, placing Emilia onto my chest I held both my girls in my arms and felt like the luckiest man in the world. No one can burst my bubble right now, I feel as if I am walking on cloud nine.
"Welcome to the world Emilia Grace Allen" I smile pressing my lips against both of my girls heads in turn. Out of nowhere Catlin began to shake in my arms as a new batch of tears flooded her face, falling down her cheeks onto my chest. "Hey, hey, hey what's wrong?" I asked lifting her head to look at me by placing two fingers under her chin.
"Nothing, it's just these stupid hormones – making me cry all the time" she laughed, smiling at her I used the sleeve of my sweater and running it under her eyes to dry them.
"I don't think there is anything I can do about that" I laughed brushing my lips over hers.
"It's your fault I'm in this mess"
"How is it my fault – they're your hormones" I shot back in defence. "Or is it the Allen sending them into over drive?"
"Clearly, your testosterone is what got us into this in the first place" jabbing her finger into my chest, the same spot her head had been lay moments earlier.
"It's not my fault you can't keep your hands to yourself"
"I'm not Selena Gomez" she pouted moving so she sat on the bed facing me.
The expression on her face forcing a full on belly laugh to escape my lips causing Emilia to stir against my chest, taking a moment – I returned her to her small crib beside the bed before turning my attention to back to Caitlin.
"You're so right, you're not her" I sighed, pushing myself forwards I whispered into her ear. "You're a lot sexier" pulling back a little I winked at her noticing the small smile pulling at the corner of her lips. A smile Caitlin tried her hardest to hide from me but I saw it. In that split second I saw the smile. Grabbing her hips I pressed my hips against her, pulling her onto my lap but making sure to be careful with her as her body is still recovering from the birth, she might be trying to act mad at me but the way she kissed me back shows me she is anything but mad, her kiss is filled with wanted and need.
Pulling apart in need of oxygen, Caitlin looked at me breathless "Calm yourself down Mr Allen, we already have one child" moving to rest her back against my chest, I rested my chin on her shoulder lightly blowing on her ear.
"So, that just means you already know what to expect when I put a second in you" I replied laughing. Opening my legs, allowing her to slip between them I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, bending my legs to make an imaginary prison that she is never escaping from.
"I think I'm going to have to rethink this whole thing, I mean we've only just become a couple and you're already talking about kids. This is moving far too fast for me. Are you going to get down on one knee next?" she asked running her finger up and down my thigh.
Resting my chin against the top of her head, I looked over at Emilia fast asleep before replying. "Watch this space"
So there you have it … what did you think?
If you could leave me a review then you know I really appreciate them.
Thank you for reading.
I will take this opportunity to apologize for the long delay with Fight For Love but each time we come to write it the world is against us and gives us something to distract us but it is coming I promise. We are working on it right now.
My Only Exception will be updated ASAP … just need to finish it … I know how much you all want it.