The Lesser of Two Wrongs
Hitomi stares blankly at the wall of her bedroom.
Well—she has done it. She has given Sayaka the ultimatum, has made her decision. As the saying goes, she has made her bed and now she has to lie in it. Which she will do, of course; Shizuki Hitomi knows the valor of promises.
A crooked smile graces her face at the thought of keeping promises. Well, technically no promise had been explicitly made, so really, one cannot say that she has broken any.
She sighs, falling back against her bed.
She has to remember—girls cannot love girls. It is wrong, that she knows. Ergo, she has to squash these urges so that they never see the light of day. Or night, for that matter. No, she absolutely mustn't ever let herself think of Sayaka as anything other than a friend.
At least now she has the next best thing: Kamijou Kyousuke, the boy who went to music class with her when they were younger.
Kamijou-san will make an ideal husband. Her parents will approve, she is sure.
True, she is only thirteen, but life works a little differently for the affluent. She wants to secure a marriage to someone she will at least tolerate.
Even if… her veins thrum uncomfortably—she will not go back, however. She must see this through, no matter where it leads her.
Besides, if she ends up losing Sayaka's friendship over this, well, it will only make it easier for Hitomi to keep her affection stowed away in the invisible recesses of her mind. Then, she can keep at least some of her happiness safe.
She has plans. Most of her life has already been laid out before her, for she must uphold her name and the lifestyle associated with it.
They would never approve of Sayaka-san. She will not bother with something doomed from the start.
Let us keep promises only when they suit us.
.
.
As predicted, Sayaka-san does not confess.
Honestly, she does not understand why. Though there are plenty of plausible reasons, none of them seem to fit. Still, it works favorably for Hitomi.
One day might have been unreasonable, but she considers indecisiveness one of Sayaka-san's flaws. Sayaka-san has many flaws, does she not? That, too, works well for her.
Blue flickers occasionally at the edge of her vision; she refuses to look away from the grey in front of her. His smile is soft, demure—she had not misjudged him. He hesitates. That poses no problem for her… she prides herself for her patience, her will.
Yes, thirteen is too early, but she sees this as the best path. She is not Madoka, she is not Sayaka. She is Hitomi, and she has to make the best of it.
Kamijou-san is pliable enough.
.
.
Kyousuke-san spends a lot of time with his violin; that much has been evident since before their extremely young relationship.
Well, he plays beautifully. She can put up with his fanaticism—or rather, she will have to learn to adjust to Kyousuke-san's peculiar brand of neglect. Eh, they have months before their parents will agree to talk, and if in that time she finds someone better…
Still, she cannot forget who she sacrificed to obtain this sliver of a chance. That alone constitutes a promise, and while it does not suit her, she will honor it for as long as she can.
After all, Sayaka-san appears thoroughly upset and refuses to even interact with Hitomi.
That bothers her, yet—something else lurks behind Sayaka-san's moping and Madoka-san's evident worry.
Has she lost their friendship? Has she miscalculated Madoka-san's own deliberations?
That cannot be it. Call it presumptuous of her, but she knows her predictions rarely go awry. No, their distance has other causes: Madoka-san often exchanges anxious, meaningful glances with the enigmatic Akemi Homura-san, and there is something… uneasy in Sayaka-san's very movements.
She does not understand.
Does she want to understand? She senses a potential detriment, yet she cannot deny the loneliness that creeps upon her.
None of this fits into her previous considerations, and… she can still turn back, right?
She smiles politely and does not allude at all to her own pain and unease. She does, however, cling to Kyousuke-san a little tighter.
.
Then Sayaka dies and she has to scramble to keep her world from falling apart. Again there are plenty of plausible reasons, but none of them truly explain anything.
.
One dreary afternoon in traditional tea ceremony class, she admits that her world has been falling apart since before Sayaka's death.
.
Hitomi finds herself examining her true feelings much more now.
Does she have the right to mourn?—she sacrificed Sayaka in a gamble tailored to suit only her own visions.
Nonetheless, she feels a yawning pit forming in her.
Kyousuke-san keeps to his violin; he lavishes attention on it instead of her. She feels bound to him, she feels some inkling of hatred for him, and she feels so utterly lost because she has become alarmingly clingy to him.
Actually… does she mourn for Sayaka or for her own misfortune? She remembers wanting to hold Sayaka in her arms, wanting to cradle her face in her hands, and wanting to spend as much time as possible with the vibrant, idealistic bluenette.
She also remembers wishing that Sayaka's one-track mind would focus on her, that she would directed that adoration and loyalty to her instead of Kyousuke-san. She had wanted—she will admit it now—not only to give love, but also to receive so unconditionally.
Though, that might have driven Sayaka to her death regardless. Hitomi and Kyousuke-san are both difficult to love, after all.
But maybe they would have persevered?
No. Love between girls is forbidden; it would have ended miserably for them. With Kyousuke-san, who is so easy to read, she can take comfort in the fact that she is not pursuing some blasphemous impossibility.
.
.
When she does not think of Kyousuke-san and Sayaka, Hitomi thinks of Madoka. She thinks of how they are strangers to each other now—have been for a while, actually. That, she realizes, began just as her world started falling apart.
For example—when Sayaka still lived (a dull throbbing has taken up residence in her heart), she and Madoka spent many hours... elsewhere. An unnamed emotion had haunted their faces.
Now, Madoka-san does not appear to mourn as deeply as she thought she would. The pinkette often disappears at lunch and after school; their mornings lack communication, too. Madoka-san continues on with an absent, preoccupied gaze. That strange light lingers in her wine-red eyes.
All of this could be attributed to Sayaka's death, but—
Akemi-san has usurped Sayaka and Hitomi, has superimposed something else on Madoka-san, and she wonders whether she should investigate this further.
No… I leave well enough alone.
Even if she needs more attention than Kyousuke-san is willing to give, even though she fears for Madoka, she believes that some paths are better left avoided.
.
.
The super cell decimates the eastern docks of Mitakihara and leaves the rest of the city flooded.
It takes from the Kaname family their daughter—the body found submerged near scattered remnants of military weapons.
Maybe she should have looked more into it. Now she only has Kyousuke-san and a head full of regrets.
Still, she knows better than to wish to change the unchangeable, so she forcefully resigns herself to reality. Now, she must make her life worth her selfish actions and inactions.
.
.
.
Hitomi will wrest her happiness from fate even if it kills—
It is the lesser of two wrongs.
/\
A/N: Just something I wrote after browsing the Hitomi tag on AO3. Erm... pseudo-first person third person, if that makes any sense. I've always had a fascination with her, honestly.
In my head this is gist of the story: Hitomi loves Sayaka, but internalized homophobia dissuades her from pursuing that possibility. She takes the next best thing, Kyousuke, but doesn't expect herself to become dependent on him. Also, she'd like to help Madoka, but she's gotta be pragmatic—whatever is happening with Madoka isn't something that will end happily, Hitomi can see that a mile away. So, she devotes herself to making her happiness come true her own way instead of waiting. She will—has—stepped on some people, but that's better than ending up the broken one in her opinion.
Now, if the reader required the above explanation... then I haven't done a good job, eh?
Criticism, comments, concerns, thoughts, etc. always welcome! ~Teddy.