Title: We Can't Start Over
Author: Tempus Meum
Rating:
Disclaimer: The characters and premise used in this story are unfortunately not owned by me. If JAG was mine…the possibilities.
Spoilers: Up to 'Boomerang'
Summary: An alternate conversation on the ferry in Sydney changes things considerably.
1. (Mac's POV)
"Are you saying that a man doesn't need to understand a woman as long as she is beautiful?" turning around to face Harm he leans up against the ferry railing.
"Even speaking the same language, what man understands a woman?" There's that smile, but all he did was answer my question with a question.
"You're referring to me?" I ask, is he serious? I can't stand him looking at me that way; if I am going to answer I better look away. Picking a point over his right shoulder I formulate an answer, but it comes out in the form of another question. "Ah…let me guess…you don't understand why I went to the beach with Mic?" Looking back at him with a smile I notice he has turned away from me to look toward the opera house.
"That opera house is really beautiful isn't it?"
Nodding my head I glance at the opera house, it really is beautiful but there is no way in hell I am going to let him get out of this conversation. "Smashing! So, what bothered you, that I went to the beach with Mic or that you thought I was topless?" This conversation did start out to be funny but now…I really want to get to the bottom of this, Harm has being acting strange around me since we got to Australia, and I am going to find out why.
"You weren't?" Harm tries not to sound to surprised but his face betrays him.
"Harmon Rabb! You are a prude!" Ok, he actually thought I was topless, could he be jealous?
"I am not! Look…I don't care if you wanna go topless." I can tell Harm is really getting uncomfortable with where this conversation is going but…I can't help myself.
"You do if it's in front of Mic." I try not to sound to defeated I hope he didn't notice.
"You work with the guy Mac! You wouldn't go topless in front of me would you?"
Did he just say what I think he said, how the hell am I supposed to answer that? Oh…what the hell…"Is that a request?" I was expecting Harm to look away, but as I wait for his answer he continues to stare at me.
And just when I think he is going to answer my question he looks up at the Sydney Harbour Bridge as we travel under it. "You know they wrote eternity on this bridge in lights on New Year's Eve?"
I can't keep my eyes off his face; even the slightest movement of his features may give me the answer I am looking for…Maybe he doesn't feel the same way for me as I feel for him. "Is that how long we're going to wait?" I can't help but let my disappointment show.
"Mac..."
Shaking my head I turn away from him and walk a few metres down the ferry. Leaning on the railing I stare up into the sky.
A couple of minutes later I feel Harm standing next to me.
"Mac…"
"Just forget it Harm." I say before he can finish, I don't think I can continue this conversation without showing him how I really feel, and if he doesn't feel the same then….
"Sarah…" The use of my given name makes me look up at him, there is something in his eyes this time, it wasn't there before, and I can't place it, he seems sad almost ashamed. "For a long time now when I've looked at you I…I've seen you as more than just my partner, more than just a friend…you are…my best friend and I don't ever want to lose that…"
"You won't Harm." I whisper, as I wonder where this conversation is heading.
"…I'm afraid that if I…if we take our relationship further…as far as I wish we could…and something happens then we will…never be able to get back to…where we are now."
Wow, did Harm just tell me that he wants to be more than friends, and all I have to do is to convince him that nothing will go wrong. I must be taking to long to reply because Harm has turned away from me. "Harm…" I manage to say before he sits down on a chair a couple of metres away. "…don't you think that it's worth the risk?"
"What…ruining our relationship over what may be a one night stand?" Harm replies as he looks down at his hands, which are knotted together in his lap.
"Wh…what if it could be more than that? What if it was the best thing that's ever happened to either of us?" Sitting down next to him, I turn my body slightly towards his as I wait for his reply.
"Then…I'd have to say I'm scared Mac…scared that I will ruin it like I have ruined every other relationship I have ever had. I don't think I can take that risk." He turns away from me so I am facing his back.
How am I going to make his worries disappear…if I can do that then maybe, just maybe we can make this work. Placing a hand on his shoulder I build up the courage to reply. "And what if I say I can…what if I say that I don't care how your relationships have ended in the past, what if I only care about…you!"
I feel Harm's hand cover my own that was still on his shoulder. Taking it in his he turned around to face me. However his face was still turned down. He looked like he wanted to say something but it was like he didn't know how, so I tried to put him out of his misery. Lifting a hand to his chin I raised his face until his eyes were focused on mine. "I want this Harm, more than I have ever wanted anything in my life." My hand fell to his lap where he was still holding my other. Instead of taking his free hand I turned mine over and let it rest on his thigh.
"I want it too Mac!" As he said this, his eyes fell to my hand and my thumb that was slowly drawing circles on his thigh. "But…."
"Why does there have to be a but Harm? Why can't we just…I don't know…forget who we are and just let things happen?" He looked back up at me then, but I still saw a hint of hesitation.
"If that's what you want…but…I just want to know what happens then…I mean if things work out then I'll be the happiest man alive, but if they don't…" he looked like he expected me to solve all of his problems.
"If it doesn't then we face that when we come to it." I replied, I hadn't really thought of it, and truthfully I didn't want to.
He seemed to accept my answer because when he looked up at me a smile had spread across his face. "So for the next few days…we're just Harm and Sarah?"
"As long as we don't have to start back at the beginning?" I tried to sound sarcastic but I think I came out sounding worried.
"After five years I think that would be damn near impossible." He smiled.
"Yeah, I guess it would…so where are you taking me for dinner."
Harm looked over my shoulder and pointed to Luna Park. "You like hotdogs don't you?"
"And what is mister 'practically a vegetarian' gonna eat." I reply as a little giggle escapes my lips.
"I dunno, a corndog!" Harm laughed to as he placed an arm around my shoulders. Leaning into him I draped an arm across his lap. "I could get used to this!" He said as he squeezed my shoulders tighter.