Disclaimer: All belongs to CLAMP, obviously. God Bless them.
A/N: Whoooo! My second fan-fiction for TRC! I've been itching to write one on this for ages and ages and ages! It's one of my favourite scenes in the entire manga and was screaming to be made into a Fai POV ever since I've read it. But believe me, it wasn't easy….Fai's not really an ideal character to look at from an inner perspective- you can never be sure what the sweetie's thinking - so it was quite a struggle to achieve a relatively effective piece of writing. I just hope I succeeded.
"The ones I hate most in the world are the guys who still have lives to live but they don't make any effort to live them,"
For a moment, the mask slips. But only for a second, a flick of an eyelid, one step in the wrong direction but early enough to sway back to safety. Only the ache remains and I'm left to pray it doesn't show through that hollow smile I'm displaying, the truth of your statement rolling on my tongue, leaving scorches in its wake. You could have easily rammed that broken blade through my chest right now, Kurogane; for I doubt the pain would have been any different.
You've seen right through me, haven't you…? Even through the strong bars of the cage that ensnares me, you've caught a glimpse of my true nature, sending me tumbling down into panic, reluctantly fleeing deeper into the dark confines of my prison.
I'm forced to look at you, the sheath of your now ruined sword lifting my face firmly upwards. Is that really hatred blazing in those scarlet orbs, disgust towards a man who's lying sprawled in the ruins at your feet, his life almost lost?
"Then, my type is the type you hate the most,"
If you hate me so much, Kurogane, then why are you still here? Why is there anger swirling in your face as you glare down at me, disappointment, betrayal? What have I done to offend you? What does it matter to you if I die, if I simply move on, fade out of life on a heap of broken boulders in a deserted street, in a foreign country so far from home? Or what I had once considered my home…After all, what am I to you? A troubled soul with an obsession for cute nicknames and petty pranks to cause you mortification, only to relish the adorable sight of you fuming with rage. Kuro-chan, Kuro-chii, Kuro-rin, Kuro-wan, Kuro-puu, Kuro-tan….If only you knew how much more is hidden between those seemingly one-sided interests of mine, things I've even kept hidden from myself but nonetheless manage to sneak their way into awareness from time to time.
It's been a while since I've smiled with pleasure instead of purpose yet the longer I'm by your side, the more I find myself smiling for little or no reason at all. Can you tell the difference, Kuro-tan? Can you tell that, right now, beneath the beaming face smudged with dust and dirt, there is a heart wracked with guilt, with shame of what I've just attempted to do? Because I know…I'm not stupid. I know that, as you saw me crash into the wall, you were afraid. And now, with only a sprained leg and a few bruises to throw me into the reality of my actions, under frustration and disbelief, you're relieved.
It's hours later, slung over your shoulder, mildly intoxicated and thinking life is beautiful that it becomes clear to me, so clear to me that not even Clover's best alcohol can haze my awareness of it. Why exactly are you carrying me, Kuro-chii? Is it because you're feeling charitable, feeling responsible? Even though my leg is aching, now pleasantly dulled by the blessed wonders of alcohol, I have no doubt I could have made it home on my own two feet, with difficulties, but on my own nonetheless. I'm used to doing things alone, no matter how hard they are, how much easier they would be if someone were there to share the burden. I've long given up hope, but the longer I'm around you, the more frequently a spark of it flickers before my eyes, filling my chest with an urge to smile. A unique smile, a warm smile, a small waft of warmth to melt away the ice in my heart.
You're muttering gruffly about what a pain this is and as you adjust my limp body in your supporting arm, voice firm but deprived of accusation, another smile widens on my face, enjoying the moment. I'm probably giggling far more than I should be, but for now, it's so easy to just let myself go, let myself forget. There's no fear, no evil memories to cloud my mind, just haze and happiness. I can only bless the bottles bound in the cloth dangling from a swinging arm, which keeps banging against your calves until you finally loose your temper and snatch it from my weak grasp with a growl of annoyance and something hilariously funny. I protest between giggles, trying to snatch the bundle. It's mine, Kuro-wan, give it back, you'll drop it! Yet you only shake me, letting me slip further down your shoulder until I'm kicking for balance but your hand is firm around my waist, stopping my fall.
Another curse, another heave and I'm secure once more, left to amuse myself with your exclamations, your irritation, but knowing all the while at least half of it isn't genuine anyway. I've seen you angry before, Kuro-rin, I've seen you raving but most of the time it's as false as my icy smiles, merely a tactic to fill in the awkwardness of your emotions. I'm not the only one hiding; I'm not the only one wearing a mask. It's a miracle in itself that we haven't repelled from the start, being so different from one another, but so similar at the same time. Yet, somewhere, underneath the facade, we understand each other; we know what the other's hiding and therefore respect its privacy. Sometimes I wish you wouldn't….
There is so much I wish to tell you, so much I'm keeping locked up inside, reigned by fear of what you'd think of me, of how one confession could shatter this delicate balance I'm struggling to keep. One careless step into oblivion can be fatal, send me tumbling back into darkness, into solitude and therefore I tread carefully, slowly, one step at a time, hoping you'll notice the signs and swing the equilibrium back to equality, my feet back to steady ground.
Until then, until that blessed day, I brace myself and keep smiling, trying to balance everything out myself, like I've always done. And if I fail, falter for a moment too long, I can only hope you'll be there to catch me when I fall.