HARRY: I'll hide in this bush so no one can see me.
VERNON: I won't look under the window because that's where Harry is.
(popping noise)
HARRY: (stands up) Ouch. I banged my head on the window.
VERNON: Wow he banged his head on the window. I see him!
PETUNIA: I am suspicious. What were you doing there... dumbass?
HARRY: Learning about waterskiing budgies, of course!
PETUNIA: (to Vernon) He must be doing something evil. NO ONE learns about waterskiing budgies. Except for those people having to do with the M-word.
VERNON: Don't say the M-word!
HARRY: Ok. I'll go for a walk now.
(Dudley and minions act thuggish)
MINION#1: Toodles, "Big D".
(DEMENTORS enter)
DUDLEY: I feel so cold. (faints)
HARRY: (saves DUDLEY from dementors and drags the lump of tard back home)
VERNON: You killed him! (sob)
PETUNIA: Dudders! What happened!
DUDLEY: (hoarsely) It was.... (pause) him. (points at HARRY)
VERNON: Le gasp!
PETUNIA: (bares teeth at HARRY and issues verbal assault)
(Days later)
VERNON: Ok we got invited to a contest so -
PETUNIA: - don't leave your room k.
HARRY: K.
VERNON: And don't use your wand k.
HARRY: K.
(PETUNIA, VERNON, and DUDLEY leave)
(ASSORTED WIZARDS enter house. HARRY's door becomes unlocked)
MAD-EYE: Hi Harry. Give me a glass of water to wash off my eyeball because it's sticky.
HARRY: K.
(ASSORTED WIZARDS ride off into the sunset with their broomsticks.)
HARRY: damnitscold.
(Arrives at 12 Grimauld Place)
SIRIUS: Hi Harry meet my mother.
MOTHER: (shrieks all day long)
HARRY: K let's do stuff.
RON/HERMIONE: K.
MAD-EYE: Hey Harry, come look at a picture of your murdered parents. I bet it'll cheer you up.
HARRY: Die, dumbass.
(Hogwarts)
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to a new ye -
UMBRIDGE: Wait! I must cough annoyingly! Hem hem! Or rather, hack hack!
ASSORTED STAFF: No one interrupts Dumbledore! We shall loathe thee!
UMBRIDGE: K. But first listen to my horrendously ugly voice!
ASSORTED STAFF: K.
UMBRIDGE: We must do ... stuff.
HERMIONE: (listens intently) Very enlightening.
(Defense Against the Dark Arts class)
UMBRIDGE: Put away your wands, foolish children! We must learn to use our wands without actually using them, if you get my drift.
HARRY: Um, no.
UMBRIDGE: (cackles) Detention!
(Detention)
UMBRIDGE: (sweetly) Here, use my evil pen that will slice open your hand!
HARRY: K!
(HARRY writes)
HARRY: Ouch. This sure hurts, and my hand is bleeding! However, I must not make noises or else she'll be happy.
UMBRIDGE: K thanks! Come again!
HARRY: K.
(HARRY staggers in GRYFFINDOR common room looking dead and in pain)
RON: Let's play chess!
HERMIONE: Let's do homework!
( FAST FORWARD )
HARRY: I dreamt a dream tonight -
FRIENDS: Exciting!
HARRY: - but I ... forgot it. (crestfallen)
FRIENDS: K.
DRACO: I haven't been mention yet!
AUDIENCE: (wakes up) Drakie!
(next night)
HARRY: (withers around in bed) Mr. Weasely has been attacked!
PEOPLE: (checks) You are right! He is in vital condition!
DUMBLEDORE: So tell me what you saw.
HARRY: He was ... attacked...
DUMBLEDORE: Yah I know. But ... how?
HARRY: Uh I dunno.
DUMBLEDORE: K.
HARRY: Wow I feel murderous when I am in contact with you.
DUMBLEDORE: K, see ya.
HARRY: (to himself) I dreamt about corridors. They must mean something.
( FAST FORWARD )
(arrives at Ministry of Magic)
HARRY: They do mean something! These are the exact same corridors!
HERMIONE: Show us the way, brave hero!
(gets in strange room with spinning rooms)
HERMIONE: I always help you with these things. I wonder what I can do this time?
HARRY: I dunno but I'm getting confused with these doors.
HERMIONE: K I'll just mark them with fire then.
HARRY: Alright, if you insist.
( BIG BLOODY BATTLE )
BELLATRIX: (cackles) Let's fight, Sirius!
SIRIUS: K!
(They FIGHT)
SIRIUS: Augh! I am falling!
HARRY: Nooooooo!
BELLATRIX: Yesssss!!!!!1!!!!!11!!11
VOLDEMORT: Yesss!!!
HARRY: (holds back tears) Shall... get... revenge...
VOLDEMORT: Harry! En garde!
BELLATRIX: Ooh ooh no let me!
VOLDEMORT: K.
HARRY: Uh... avada kedavra?
BELLATRIX: Dude you suck.
HARRY: (shrugs) Sorry no practice.
BELLATRIX: Let me show you, stupid boy!
(MOVING STATUES save the day. DUMBLEDORE appears!)
DUMBLEDORE: (sternly) Harry! Be safe!
(HARRY flees)
HARRY: (holds up mirror that wasn't mentioned here but it was given by SIRIUS) Sirius!
(silence)
HARRY: (sob)
SIR NICHOLAS OF BLAHBLAH: By the way, Sirius won't be a ghost. Sucker!
HARRY: Rah you sucketh.
(goes home to DURSLEYS)
THE END