The Weird and Wonderful Tale of Crap!!
By 'Author'
(My name in this story)
Sorry for any spelling mistakes.
You see, as this introduction line is completely pointless, you will begin to realise something strange about this 'story'. You will realise, that at the moment, your imagination can't picture the story for you to get you involved in. Basically because the Author, me, hasn't yet described a scene. So let's get you story hungry book worms something to think about...
You're in a forbidding space station, to your left you now see windows that open into the vast unknown distance of space, to your right is a tall metallic wall. In front and behind you are endless corridors with multiple doors leading off the sides. Then you realise your not actually there your just a reader just looking at the setting to your story, blow, isn't it? Anyway, now you see your first character, (Finally!) it's a tall man, wearing a leather jacket that hangs down to his ankles at the back. He has short cut black hair, and black glasses. He is wearing a white vest and leather trousers. Now you start accusing me of ripping off Neo? Well, I'm not, I'm actually using Neo!
(for all you people that may actually own the Copyright of Neo or your just some weird little nutcase that likes to sue people then I'd like you to know, I don't own Neo as a Copyright, I'm not keeping him, I'm not selling him in a product I'm just using him in a story. Plus you can't get me in trouble for doing something I shouldn't do because I'm only 13 and don't actually know why other writers write these things! I'm just doing it in case there is some nutcase that exists and goes around suing people!)
So here we are, Neo standing there looking around cautiously...he glances to his left and then to his right. Boy isn't this interesting? Then he focus' his attention out of the windows and into space.
"What the hell are those little white glow-y things?" exclaimed the not so bright Neo. An astronomer walks into the room and looks at Neo as if looking in pity at some really thick nutcase from a mental asylum (not knowing that he probably was).
"That would be a star, my friend." The astronomer said in a 'matter-of- fact' voice.
"What?" Said the bewildered Neo
"A star you moron!"
"..."
"Christ, how dumb are you? What's your name then?"
"My name's Neo! Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer to this! Let me think...ooh...wait no...Ah yes! I'm as dumb as ... as... somebody who has never been to school!"
"Christ... what kind of nut-ball let him out of the asylum?"
"I forgot"
"What!?"
This pointless conversation probably went on for ages, the author...me...got a bit bored while writing this scene and either hit his head and fell unconscious or fell asleep, but the point is that he left the two to argue in his imagination and wasn't conscious to write it down. When he did wake up it carried on like this (obviously meaning I just woke up and now I'm going to continue, dumb-y! ... Second thoughts, DON'T TAKE THAT AS AN INSULT! PLEASE!)
Neo and the astronomer were by this time extremely annoyed with each other, the astronomer because he couldn't bear Neo's stupidity and Neo was annoyed for the plain fact that I, the author decided him to be! The astronomer lunged at the supposed 'chosen one' known as Neo and attempted to punch Neo in the face. Now all you readers are going to think, a weedy, geeky, egghead, boffin guy astronomer thing is going to attack Neo? YEA RIGHT! Though it was true! Neo went to use his control over the matrix and realised, hang on, I'm not in the freaking matrix!! Big bummer...
The weedy, geeky, egghead, boffin guy astronomer thing got away with smacking Neo right in the face.
"Ouch!" Exclaimed the still confused over the 'not in the freaking matrix!!' idea Neo.
"What in hells name?" Exclaimed the astronomer, "Of course it'll hurt you moron I just hit you in the face, you know? Fist, when it connects with your face? Get it?" the astronomer took a deep breath. Let me demonstrate. The astronomer proceeded to hit Neo about 10 more times around the face. Get it now?
"Eh?" said the dazed and now half unconscious Neo.
"Ah forget it..."
The astronomer went to walk away when Neo suddenly jumps in front of him.
"What the fudge?" exclaimed the bewildered astronomer.
"You hit me!!" Said Neo, as of being suddenly filled with a new strength, and urge to collapse.
"No, I didn't, did I?"
"Yes you did!" said Neo, who surprisingly enough didn't actually know anything about sarcasm giving no apparent reason for the astronomer to have said that to him...oops, authors bad.
This story now seems to be getting a tad boring, let's spice it up...
Arnold Schwarzenegger now appears from nowhere.
"Where the hell did you come from? In fact, who the hell are you?" The astronomer said.
"Yes I want to know!" said Neo, still struggling over what the shiny white things were floating in space.
(Oh and by the way, when Arnold Schwarzenegger talks it's in his terminator voice, ok?)
"I am from the future; I have come to stop you from killing Neo." Arnold replied.
"Who's Neo?" said Neo.
"You, you moron!" said both Arnold and the Astronomer.
"Oh yea..." said Neo, whose mind was now occupied with thoughts of how wonderful elevator music sounded...
"You must not die Neo!" said Arnold.
"I wasn't going to...cool...I'm not allowed to die...awesome!" said Neo, whose mind was still occupied on the elevator music.
"Right..." said the astronomer.
"So...what happens to me?" said Neo.
"You must die in a day from now, not today; if you die today then I will not be created to save the world in the future, if you die tomorrow? Well, that's your problem."
"Oh, great, thanks a lot!" Said Neo, strangely this being the first time he's answered a question sensibly with something that sounds remotely normal.
Now this plot is getting old... We need MORE characters! (This could get AWFULLY confusing you know!) Hugh Jackman now appears.
"What in gods name?" They all exclaimed.
"Hello!" Said Hugh, everyone stared at his strange clothing. It was actually him playing 'wolverine' from X-men.
The man from the Walkers Square crisps appears next to Hugh.
"T-is not natural!" He exclaimed, before quickly creeping around the corner and disappearing from the story.
"Okay...I'm going to pretend that never happened..." said Hugh.
The others nodded in agreement.
"What the hell is going on here?" said Neo, now staring at the funny Silver caps on the knuckles of Hugh's Fists.
Hugh spotted his gaze. He span around, as blade/knife things came out of his skin/knuckles through the suit, in one movement from the moment he started spinning he ended up standing in a cool-kind-of stance pointing the blade things right at Neo's throat. He growled, he looked kind of cool, and sounded it. Plus the look on Neo's face made this worth the effort to imagine. Then, in all of Hugh's glory...the seat of his trousers rips.
"Bummer..." he though, wishing he'd read the washing instructions on his suit before using a quick rinse.
Neo was the first to snigger, being the most childish and immature/idiotic of them all.
"Try it and have your throat slit, maggot!" said the now bright-red-in-the- face Hugh.
"Eep..." squeaked the now terrified Neo.
Now Arnold started to smirk, and Hugh knew there was nothing he could do against this mammoth man, terminator thing. Then the astronomer started.
"Woops" said the astronomer.
"Darn right 'woops'" said the enraged Hugh.
Hugh flung himself at the astronomer, the rest is censored, ok I'll tell you a bit. You can only see the shadow of the astronomer with Hugh holding the blades downwards and repeatedly stabbing him, as a shadow. Of course...I shall now pretend to be innocent...and whistle quietly...
The Man from the Walkers Squares advert comes running around the corner again, attempting to run past but stops in mid-stride as he sees Hugh in the strange suit that now had a hole in the rear area, luckily with pants (thank god). The man gasped. He attempted to run but made a fatal mistake, tried to snigger while looking the other way, forgetting that Hugh was playing the role of Wolverine had super hearing and so on. Hugh was on him in seconds.
"ARGH!!!" shrieked the strange man from the advert, "T-is not natural, T-IS NOT NATURAL!!"
Hugh straightened himself up, removing the big black piece of cardboard with the word 'censored' painted across the front. Arnold looked at him with disgust thinking 'and he didn't even use a one liner or a gun...TUT ...and those blades weren't even polished!!'
Neo flattened himself against a wall.
"If I can't see him he doesn't exist, if I can't see him he doesn't exist..." Neo chanted using the philosophy of a 3 year old.
"What the hell is he on about?" said Hugh.
"I Think he is scared of you" said Arnold still using his Macho Terminator voice.
"Fair enough" said Hugh.
"Don't hurt me!!" shouted Neo who was absolutely terrified.
Scooby Doo now walks around the corner.
"Scooby Doo-by Doo!" he exclaimed in that weird voice of his.
"Eh?" said Neo, being so deprived in his cell at the Mental Asylum that he didn't know who Scooby Doo was. Then Scooby saw Arnold.
"R-oh r-no!!" he shouted and went to run in the cartoon style he was drawn in.
"What is wrong with him?" said Arnold.
"He realised there's only room for 1 weird talking person in this conversation and knew he couldn't beat you" said Hugh.
Pierce Brosnan now appears.
"WHAT THE HELL!?" exclaimed Pierce Brosnan, who was at this time in the position to shoot when he appeared and fell flat on his face. "I was in the middle of shooting a new bond movie! Dam they'll cast somebody else for sure now damn-it!"
"Oh well." Said Arnold.
"Oh well? Oh well!? OH WELL!?!?" said Pierce Brosnan who was now enraged, "your just jealous that I got to play bond and you didn't! ha! I bet you've never been bond have you? No! Didn't think so! You're just a tall mountain of flab! You couldn't hurt a..."
...by this time Arnold had already pulled out some futuristic-y gun thing and pointed it at Pierce Brosnan's head.
"Here you go mate" said Hugh dropping the 'Censored' board into place.
"Thanks" said Arnold.
There was a kind of charging noise, then a kind of laser-y noise. Arnold moved the censored board and gave it back to Hugh, who then somehow managed to fit the board that was about 3 metres wide and a metre high into his left trouser pocket which was about 5 inches by 5 inches.
"All done" said Arnold, "dam, I thought he was cool, as bond, then he had to go and talk about how he was better than me for no reason!...oh well."
"I'm bored" said Neo who hasn't spoken for a while.
"Me too" said Hugh.
Arnold nodded his head in agreement.
Harry potter now appears walking from one of the corridors, and conveniently, Frodo Baggins is coming from the opposite corridor. They are both deep in thought. They collide head first into each other, even though it was at walking pace, it must-a been damn painful!
"Oh dear!" exclaimed Frodo and Harry at the same time.
Frodo had dropped his ring and Harry had dropped his invisibility cloak. They both went to pick up their things. Frodo 'accidentally' slipped the ring onto his finger and Harry 'accidentally' slid his cloak onto his back. They both vanished.
"Hey!" they both exclaimed.
"What trickery is this!?" exclaimed Frodo, not knowing of anything else that made you invisible in this mortal world. (Not necessarily mortal when my imagination controls it!)
"What spell are you using!?" exclaimed Harry, not knowing of any spell that made you invisible, and not knowing of any other invisibility cloaks.
They both collide again.
"OW" they both shout.
"Pain, OW!" said Harry
"Burning, forehead, ouch-y" said Frodo.
Tune in next time to find out what will happen to the remaining/new
characters of today's episode of...
"The Weird and Wonderful World of Crap!!"
... By ... "Author" ...
...X-Files music...
By 'Author'
(My name in this story)
Sorry for any spelling mistakes.
You see, as this introduction line is completely pointless, you will begin to realise something strange about this 'story'. You will realise, that at the moment, your imagination can't picture the story for you to get you involved in. Basically because the Author, me, hasn't yet described a scene. So let's get you story hungry book worms something to think about...
You're in a forbidding space station, to your left you now see windows that open into the vast unknown distance of space, to your right is a tall metallic wall. In front and behind you are endless corridors with multiple doors leading off the sides. Then you realise your not actually there your just a reader just looking at the setting to your story, blow, isn't it? Anyway, now you see your first character, (Finally!) it's a tall man, wearing a leather jacket that hangs down to his ankles at the back. He has short cut black hair, and black glasses. He is wearing a white vest and leather trousers. Now you start accusing me of ripping off Neo? Well, I'm not, I'm actually using Neo!
(for all you people that may actually own the Copyright of Neo or your just some weird little nutcase that likes to sue people then I'd like you to know, I don't own Neo as a Copyright, I'm not keeping him, I'm not selling him in a product I'm just using him in a story. Plus you can't get me in trouble for doing something I shouldn't do because I'm only 13 and don't actually know why other writers write these things! I'm just doing it in case there is some nutcase that exists and goes around suing people!)
So here we are, Neo standing there looking around cautiously...he glances to his left and then to his right. Boy isn't this interesting? Then he focus' his attention out of the windows and into space.
"What the hell are those little white glow-y things?" exclaimed the not so bright Neo. An astronomer walks into the room and looks at Neo as if looking in pity at some really thick nutcase from a mental asylum (not knowing that he probably was).
"That would be a star, my friend." The astronomer said in a 'matter-of- fact' voice.
"What?" Said the bewildered Neo
"A star you moron!"
"..."
"Christ, how dumb are you? What's your name then?"
"My name's Neo! Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer to this! Let me think...ooh...wait no...Ah yes! I'm as dumb as ... as... somebody who has never been to school!"
"Christ... what kind of nut-ball let him out of the asylum?"
"I forgot"
"What!?"
This pointless conversation probably went on for ages, the author...me...got a bit bored while writing this scene and either hit his head and fell unconscious or fell asleep, but the point is that he left the two to argue in his imagination and wasn't conscious to write it down. When he did wake up it carried on like this (obviously meaning I just woke up and now I'm going to continue, dumb-y! ... Second thoughts, DON'T TAKE THAT AS AN INSULT! PLEASE!)
Neo and the astronomer were by this time extremely annoyed with each other, the astronomer because he couldn't bear Neo's stupidity and Neo was annoyed for the plain fact that I, the author decided him to be! The astronomer lunged at the supposed 'chosen one' known as Neo and attempted to punch Neo in the face. Now all you readers are going to think, a weedy, geeky, egghead, boffin guy astronomer thing is going to attack Neo? YEA RIGHT! Though it was true! Neo went to use his control over the matrix and realised, hang on, I'm not in the freaking matrix!! Big bummer...
The weedy, geeky, egghead, boffin guy astronomer thing got away with smacking Neo right in the face.
"Ouch!" Exclaimed the still confused over the 'not in the freaking matrix!!' idea Neo.
"What in hells name?" Exclaimed the astronomer, "Of course it'll hurt you moron I just hit you in the face, you know? Fist, when it connects with your face? Get it?" the astronomer took a deep breath. Let me demonstrate. The astronomer proceeded to hit Neo about 10 more times around the face. Get it now?
"Eh?" said the dazed and now half unconscious Neo.
"Ah forget it..."
The astronomer went to walk away when Neo suddenly jumps in front of him.
"What the fudge?" exclaimed the bewildered astronomer.
"You hit me!!" Said Neo, as of being suddenly filled with a new strength, and urge to collapse.
"No, I didn't, did I?"
"Yes you did!" said Neo, who surprisingly enough didn't actually know anything about sarcasm giving no apparent reason for the astronomer to have said that to him...oops, authors bad.
This story now seems to be getting a tad boring, let's spice it up...
Arnold Schwarzenegger now appears from nowhere.
"Where the hell did you come from? In fact, who the hell are you?" The astronomer said.
"Yes I want to know!" said Neo, still struggling over what the shiny white things were floating in space.
(Oh and by the way, when Arnold Schwarzenegger talks it's in his terminator voice, ok?)
"I am from the future; I have come to stop you from killing Neo." Arnold replied.
"Who's Neo?" said Neo.
"You, you moron!" said both Arnold and the Astronomer.
"Oh yea..." said Neo, whose mind was now occupied with thoughts of how wonderful elevator music sounded...
"You must not die Neo!" said Arnold.
"I wasn't going to...cool...I'm not allowed to die...awesome!" said Neo, whose mind was still occupied on the elevator music.
"Right..." said the astronomer.
"So...what happens to me?" said Neo.
"You must die in a day from now, not today; if you die today then I will not be created to save the world in the future, if you die tomorrow? Well, that's your problem."
"Oh, great, thanks a lot!" Said Neo, strangely this being the first time he's answered a question sensibly with something that sounds remotely normal.
Now this plot is getting old... We need MORE characters! (This could get AWFULLY confusing you know!) Hugh Jackman now appears.
"What in gods name?" They all exclaimed.
"Hello!" Said Hugh, everyone stared at his strange clothing. It was actually him playing 'wolverine' from X-men.
The man from the Walkers Square crisps appears next to Hugh.
"T-is not natural!" He exclaimed, before quickly creeping around the corner and disappearing from the story.
"Okay...I'm going to pretend that never happened..." said Hugh.
The others nodded in agreement.
"What the hell is going on here?" said Neo, now staring at the funny Silver caps on the knuckles of Hugh's Fists.
Hugh spotted his gaze. He span around, as blade/knife things came out of his skin/knuckles through the suit, in one movement from the moment he started spinning he ended up standing in a cool-kind-of stance pointing the blade things right at Neo's throat. He growled, he looked kind of cool, and sounded it. Plus the look on Neo's face made this worth the effort to imagine. Then, in all of Hugh's glory...the seat of his trousers rips.
"Bummer..." he though, wishing he'd read the washing instructions on his suit before using a quick rinse.
Neo was the first to snigger, being the most childish and immature/idiotic of them all.
"Try it and have your throat slit, maggot!" said the now bright-red-in-the- face Hugh.
"Eep..." squeaked the now terrified Neo.
Now Arnold started to smirk, and Hugh knew there was nothing he could do against this mammoth man, terminator thing. Then the astronomer started.
"Woops" said the astronomer.
"Darn right 'woops'" said the enraged Hugh.
Hugh flung himself at the astronomer, the rest is censored, ok I'll tell you a bit. You can only see the shadow of the astronomer with Hugh holding the blades downwards and repeatedly stabbing him, as a shadow. Of course...I shall now pretend to be innocent...and whistle quietly...
The Man from the Walkers Squares advert comes running around the corner again, attempting to run past but stops in mid-stride as he sees Hugh in the strange suit that now had a hole in the rear area, luckily with pants (thank god). The man gasped. He attempted to run but made a fatal mistake, tried to snigger while looking the other way, forgetting that Hugh was playing the role of Wolverine had super hearing and so on. Hugh was on him in seconds.
"ARGH!!!" shrieked the strange man from the advert, "T-is not natural, T-IS NOT NATURAL!!"
Hugh straightened himself up, removing the big black piece of cardboard with the word 'censored' painted across the front. Arnold looked at him with disgust thinking 'and he didn't even use a one liner or a gun...TUT ...and those blades weren't even polished!!'
Neo flattened himself against a wall.
"If I can't see him he doesn't exist, if I can't see him he doesn't exist..." Neo chanted using the philosophy of a 3 year old.
"What the hell is he on about?" said Hugh.
"I Think he is scared of you" said Arnold still using his Macho Terminator voice.
"Fair enough" said Hugh.
"Don't hurt me!!" shouted Neo who was absolutely terrified.
Scooby Doo now walks around the corner.
"Scooby Doo-by Doo!" he exclaimed in that weird voice of his.
"Eh?" said Neo, being so deprived in his cell at the Mental Asylum that he didn't know who Scooby Doo was. Then Scooby saw Arnold.
"R-oh r-no!!" he shouted and went to run in the cartoon style he was drawn in.
"What is wrong with him?" said Arnold.
"He realised there's only room for 1 weird talking person in this conversation and knew he couldn't beat you" said Hugh.
Pierce Brosnan now appears.
"WHAT THE HELL!?" exclaimed Pierce Brosnan, who was at this time in the position to shoot when he appeared and fell flat on his face. "I was in the middle of shooting a new bond movie! Dam they'll cast somebody else for sure now damn-it!"
"Oh well." Said Arnold.
"Oh well? Oh well!? OH WELL!?!?" said Pierce Brosnan who was now enraged, "your just jealous that I got to play bond and you didn't! ha! I bet you've never been bond have you? No! Didn't think so! You're just a tall mountain of flab! You couldn't hurt a..."
...by this time Arnold had already pulled out some futuristic-y gun thing and pointed it at Pierce Brosnan's head.
"Here you go mate" said Hugh dropping the 'Censored' board into place.
"Thanks" said Arnold.
There was a kind of charging noise, then a kind of laser-y noise. Arnold moved the censored board and gave it back to Hugh, who then somehow managed to fit the board that was about 3 metres wide and a metre high into his left trouser pocket which was about 5 inches by 5 inches.
"All done" said Arnold, "dam, I thought he was cool, as bond, then he had to go and talk about how he was better than me for no reason!...oh well."
"I'm bored" said Neo who hasn't spoken for a while.
"Me too" said Hugh.
Arnold nodded his head in agreement.
Harry potter now appears walking from one of the corridors, and conveniently, Frodo Baggins is coming from the opposite corridor. They are both deep in thought. They collide head first into each other, even though it was at walking pace, it must-a been damn painful!
"Oh dear!" exclaimed Frodo and Harry at the same time.
Frodo had dropped his ring and Harry had dropped his invisibility cloak. They both went to pick up their things. Frodo 'accidentally' slipped the ring onto his finger and Harry 'accidentally' slid his cloak onto his back. They both vanished.
"Hey!" they both exclaimed.
"What trickery is this!?" exclaimed Frodo, not knowing of anything else that made you invisible in this mortal world. (Not necessarily mortal when my imagination controls it!)
"What spell are you using!?" exclaimed Harry, not knowing of any spell that made you invisible, and not knowing of any other invisibility cloaks.
They both collide again.
"OW" they both shout.
"Pain, OW!" said Harry
"Burning, forehead, ouch-y" said Frodo.
Tune in next time to find out what will happen to the remaining/new
characters of today's episode of...
"The Weird and Wonderful World of Crap!!"
... By ... "Author" ...
...X-Files music...