with or without you
(anymore)
for maddie, with love. i do not own, and the lyrics are from "with or without you" by u2.
see the stone set in your eyes
see the thorn twist in your side
i wait for you
.
They don't wake up together, anymore. He opens his eyes and there's nothing next to him, no one. She's always gone in the mornings, leaving him to sit alone at the kitchen table, drinking cold leftover coffee and looking at the newspaper without actually reading it. He hates waking up alone.
It's not like it used to be, anymore. It used to be beautiful and exhilarating and downright brilliant, because it was love (or so they thought) and the world seemed perfect. Now they realize that it only seemed perfect because they were blind.
She's trying to run away from it all, he knows. She doesn't think he can see the pain in her eyes - the loneliness - but he can, oh, he can, and it hurts so damn much. Sometimes he thinks he's doing the right thing by letting her slip away, that she would be better off without him. Sometimes he can't help himself and he cries out in the morning for his little lamb to come back to him.
.
sleight of hand and twist of fate
on a bed of nails she makes me wait
and i wait without you
.
He doesn't think he can stand it much longer - the ambiguity, the anguished indecision. He wants to give up, but he can't leave his little lamb out in the cold, cruel, world to die alone. Somehow she has hooked herself into his heart, and it hurts, oh, it hurts, but he can't leave her. Not like everyone else has.
He's waiting, waiting for something to happen, be it terrible or good, he doesn't know. He's waiting for her to leave forever, or to come back to him. He's waiting for her, because he can't deny that Lucy Zara Weasley has always owned his heart.
He hates waking up alone.
.
through the storm we reach the shore
you give it all but i want more
and i'm waiting for you
.
It's not like it used to be, anymore. He wants that back, he wants staying up until three in the morning talking and kissing until she falls asleep on top of him. He wants to spin her through life, laughing and dancing and loving and being. He wants the girl with kaleidoscope eyes, not Lucy with the stone blue eyes. He wants her back, his girl with kaleidoscope eyes. He wants to be in love again.
Because they aren't in love anymore – she certainly doesn't love him, he thinks – and she has changed so much that he doesn't love her anymore. He doesn't love her, and he's not in love with her, but she can't bring herself to abandon her.
(What Lysander doesn't know is that she wants to love him, she's trying, she's almost there, but it's hard, it's so hard.)
.
my hands are tied
my body bruised, she's got me with
nothing to win and
nothing left to lose
.
One morning he wakes up, and she's not there, as she never is (but always was), but this time he knows she's not coming back. This time they have broken beyond repair. And now he is broken. He can't muster up the strength to get out of bed, he simply lies there, trying to tell if he is shattered – because he doesn't know, and that's perhaps what hurts most of all – and doesn't move. No tears come, but he doesn't know if he wants them to come. He wants to be able to give up, but it's not that easy.
She's gone, and she's never coming back. Not this time.
.
and you give yourself away
.
He finds himself needing her, which is absurd, because he didn't need her when she was there, but now he does. He's found that he can't live with or without her. He needs her, too much. And it hurts him, the first emotion that breaks through the numbness of her leaving.
He seeks her out by finding Molly, her sister, who shakes her head sadly and whispers an apology. But he can tell that she isn't really sorry, because she blames him for what has happened. He starts to think it is his fault.
His little lamb is lying in the bed in St. Mungo's, her stone-blue-kaleidoscope-eyes shut, and she has never looked so lost. The Healers whirl around him, throwing out phrases like "comatose state" and "life support" and "nothing we can do".
There's nothing he can do, because his Lucy in the sky has knotted a rope around her neck and now they're going to turn off the Muggle life support machine because there's nothing they can do and oh how he hates that phrase. Finally he breaks through the numbness that has once again settled over him, and he succumbs. He succumbs to the pain and anguish and agony, and he breaks down.
.
with or without you
.
He's figured out that when he needs her the most, she's gone, and maybe that was why she left. He doesn't want it to end like this. He wants her back – but he knows the moment she's back he would want her gone again. Maybe it's better this way, except that it hurts. It hurts so damn much.
He is confused and lost and alone, and it hurts, and he wants his little lamb and he doesn't know what to do. He is so very, very, alone.
The pain breaks him, and now he knows for sure that he is shattered, because there is no other word to describe this feeling. Shattered, but not empty.
His shards lie scattered on the floor.
.
with or without you
.
(And what neither of them knew was that maybe if they hadn't waited so long, something could have gone differently, and maybe they wouldn't be gone.)
.
i can't live with or without you
fin.
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