AN.: It is my first story from Downton Abbey but I hope you would enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it, even though it may appear a little bit dark. I, of course don't own anything, and if I did Elsie and Carson would have had so much more fun and probably the show would be all about them. LOL. Anyway, it is very AU, which I created in my mind. Enjoy your reading and drop me a line how you liked it, please. Either here or on my tumblr which is .com
Blue room, it had always been the blue room, when she needed to be alone. Cleaning invisible dust and scraping non-existent marks from the carpet. Maybe it was the sun that stroke with its delicate lights her face, maybe it was the silence that always accompany this room - but always had it been the Blue Room that made her calm. That day hadn't been different - just her and her thoughts. Working on her knees, moving her arms in perfect circles, sleeves rolled up her elbows. The pain she felt in her knees; everything was better than feeling the pain she felt in her chest that day. Salty and hot tears were slowly making their way down her pale cheeks and neck. Like mantra, she was telling herself that she was wrong, that it all was just an awful nightmare. But it wasn't, was it? The Good Doctor confirmed her suspicions, told her that this time she wasn't being paranoid. This time she was scared. Scared of her life which would end sooner than she wanted; scared of death that would come in few short months. Few precious months, he said. Do all those things you always wanted to do, visit places you always wanted to visit, he said. But how could she? How could she put that wonderful smile of hers on, and act as if she was alright,as if her life wasn't to be finished soon? Cancer… This time it was cancer, this time she hadn't had any chances against the illness that own her body.
Quiet sobs escaped from between her slightly open mouth, her body started shaking violently trying its hardest to stop them. How could she now face the family and tell them that she was alright? She never had the money to be able to support herself without staying in that lonely bedroom in the attics. The last few months of her life would be spent in agony of loneliness and lies. Tears, that she tried so hard to stop, started flowing freely now, her body refused to listen to her mind; her whole existence started fading away with each movement of her hands. Ever the Housekeeper, the standards had to be kept, even when she was secretly dying.
"Oh, Mrs Hughes, I am sorry. I thought no one was here". soft voice of Lady Mary rang through the room, making Elsie jumped. She quickly tried to dry her tears and calm her breathing.
'Mrs Hughes, are you alright?" her delicate voice showed the concern, that older woman had never heard before.
"Of course, milady" she answered, slowly raising up. Her pathetic attempts to lie didn't go amiss to Mary, who never particularly cared for Elsie. She saw the pain, she saw the fear and she saw the death in the housekeeper's eyes.
"Mrs. Hughes, please tell me.."
"I don't need your pity, Lady Mary. That would do no good. nor for me nor for you." her voice broke in the middle of the sentence, making her body shake and new dose of tears run down her face.
"How long?" such simple question, but at the same time the hardest one. The one that Elsie feared the most.
"No longer that 6 months. Probably around Christmas." Only now did she realise that her death will come to the house at the same time as Lady Mary's little baby.
"Mrs. Hughes, I…"
"Please don't. I don't need pity. It won't help me. I am dying, Lady Mary." her hands were gripping tightly her keys - those little things, dingling together, making sound while she was walking. Those metal little objects, gave her the power for over thirty years. She wasn't ready to give them away, not yet.
"Does he know?" Her darling Charles.
"No."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"No."
"Do you love him?"
"Yes"
"Then why?
"Would you tell the only person who cares for you that your days are over sooner than you thought? Would you tell him, knowing that you would be reminded of dying every single day? I don't want that, milady. I will resign, if that's what you wish. Maybe it would be easier for everyone. Who would like to look at dying joke of a woman, when sweet little darling will appear here soon? The constant reminder that when he or she borns, I will die?"
"Oh, Mrs. Hughes, you will not go anywhere. You will stay here and we will take care of you, as we should. We are family, you are our family, Mrs. Hughes." Mary's voice started breaking, when she was looking into Housekeeper eyes. "You brought us up, not Nanny, nor Mother nor Father. It was you and Carson. No matter how busy you both were, you always had time for us. You always had time for me, even though you have never particularly liked me, nor have I liked you, mind you, But you are my family." suddenly in the corner of her eyes few tears appeared, and then the same salty tears were going down her face.
"Please don't cry, milady. Don't cry for me, don't waste your tears. Just promise me, you will take care of him He will need you more than you think, when I will be gone."
Mrs Hughes arms were around Mary, hugging her maybe a little too hard, but neither herself nor Mary cared. That little moment, precious of them all, showed them that despite everything, they did care for each other.
"Are you sure? Have you seen the doctor?"
"I went to see him yesterday. I have felt few lamps few days ago and this time it is cancer for sure." Mrs Hughes moved to the window, turning her back to Lady Mary who stood in the same spot.
"What do you mean, this time?" she felt sick. How could she not realise that something was wrong with the Housekeeper, that she was suffering alone?
"Eight years ago. I had a lamp. Everything was okay, in the end but it was lamp nevertheless. I had hoped, and prayed, that it would never come back but deep down I knew that eventually… That eventually it would come back. My mother died of cancer when she was my age. I knew it would happen, maybe I just hoped I would have had more time to make peace with my life. But look at me, I am sixty in few days and i always loved in secret, always been the Bloody Queen of Scotts and the.."
"Dragon lady from Scotland who never been properly shaged?" Mary finished for her, smiling. "I am afraid that was my doing, when I was sixteen. You were particularly annoying when i was teenenger."Both women laughed, something that had never been heard before.
"I know, milady. I heard you saying that to one of the maids. From that time on, I am afraid I have heard it more than I wanted to admit." she sighed, drying her tears. "Even when it never has been true" she added after few seconds, smiling at her memories.
"My my, Mrs, Hughes, I must hear all about it!" Mary came to stand next to Elsie, looking at their reflection in perfectly clean window.
"It is funny. I have known you all my life and I actually don't know you at all."
"Is there any reason for it now, milady? I will vanish from your life within next few months and I will be just another housekeeper? Another ghost in the great Abbey; nobody else. Just the lost soul within cold walls."
Never before, Mrs Hughes felt so badly hurt, so desperate for love and companion. Her life, always full of people she deeply cared for, seemed so empty right now. Just her and her battle against cancer that was going to lose. Because how would she win? She couldn't. She was losing already.
"I am dying, Lady Mary and I have never felt so lonely before in my life." she whispered. "I have seen love, death and happiness, my darling. I have seen so much, I have been part of this household for so long and yet I have always been alone. All my life, struggling to be invisible and to make your life better, to make you happy. Somehow forgetting about myself. I knew I would never have children, because I am unable to. Who would have wanted me for a wife? Nobody, milady." her voice, always so stern and confident, was now full of regret and sorrow.
"Regret isn't professional, yet it's how I feel. Yet, it's who I became. Just another ill woman, who will never know the taste of happiness that accompany true love and motherhood. In a sense, I have always been a mother - to Anna, to Daisy, to William and even to Thomas. But, in the end, I am nobody else than a lonely housekeeper." She was now hugging herself and trying to compose, to feel something different than pain. Anything but regret, pain and sadness.
"You won't be alone, Mrs, Hughes. I promise you. I promise you will not be alone within next few months. I promise to always be there for you. I have never been your favorite, I know that. But I do care, Mrs Hughes and nobody should die alone. Nobody should feel lonely in the last hours of their life and I don't want you to feel like you are just another housekeeper. You are so much more, Mrs Hughes and I am sorry. I promise you that you will feel loved. I promise…"
Mary was crying, squeezing Elsie's arm, making her believe her words. Only now she realised that the Downton Abbey would never be the same without beloved Elsbeth Hughes.