Desire and Deception
Harry returned home, barely able to contain the tears which threatened to spill down his face. Hoping Ginny was asleep and wouldn't hear him he rushed through the hall and into the bathroom, swiftly locking the door he sank onto the floor burying his head in his hands and trying to stem the sobs breaking through.
Harry was married; Ginny and he had wed a year following the war, 3 years today. Ron and Hermione had settled down also, moving to Australia to be closer to Hermione's parents. From the Hogwarts reunion two months ago they had met their old classmates and friends and everyone was getting on rebuilding their lives and looking to the future. Up until two months ago Harry had been happy. He had Ginny and he loved her; their lives were perfect.
That was until he'd attended the class reunion; it was there as he had been standing at the bar eyes scanning the room that they had alighted on the familiar cold grey stare that had become so familiar to him during his sixth year at Hogwarts. Caught in that gaze he'd felt like a rabbit in the headlights. His body was frozen to the spot, not hearing the bartender who was trying to get his attention and take his order. Harry was oblivious to it all as he took in Malfoy's gaze and let his eyes wander over him. His hair was sleek, combed over to elegantly frame his face. His sharp jawline define by the high collared robes he was wearing. His features were aged from school but that did nothing to diminish his ever present haughty look, Harry mused.
"Harry" Ginny's voice interrupted his reverie and he started before turning to his wife, "Sorry love I was miles away then, what were you saying" "I said did you want another butterbeer?"
"Think I'll have a firewhisky, thanks Gin" Ignored his wife's' raised eyebrow Harry turned away unnerved by the strength of the reaction he had felt when looking at the Slytherin. But determined to have a good night he put it from his mind.
It had been later that evening, much as Harry tried to tell kid himself he had in fact been watching Malfoy's every move, he didn't know why he just couldn't keep his eyes off the other man. This apparently hadn't gone unnoticed. Harry was returning from the bathroom when Malfoy stepped out of the adjacent corridor and blocked his way. "Care to tell me why you've been watching my every move, Potter?" Malfoy asked levelly raising his eye brow and staring at Harry his arms folded over his chest.
Harry had stopped, unable to think of what to stay, his mouth floundered open before he shut it shaking his head. "What are you talking about, I wasn't….." "Do not lie to me Potter, you've haven't taken your eyes off me since I arrived" Malfoy interrupted his eyes narrowed his voice low and deadly as he stalked towards Harry till they were mere millimetres apart. "The ministry with your help if you recall, has cleared me, I am free. Or is the boy wonder hoping to catch me out and add another notch to his glowing crown"
Harry stood unsure of what to say, being in such close proximity to Malfoy he found it hard to breath; he could see Malfoy's pulse leaping in his neck, nostrils flared as he struggled to control his temper. With his eyes blazing Harry could only think what a magnificent sight he was. "Malfoy, I'm not following you, it's nothing like that I just haven't seen you in a while" Harry shrugged lightly and took a step back needing space to clear his mind. "Haven't seen me in a while? Pray tell, what has you so desperate to see your former enemy and ex death eater" Malfoy spat closing the distance between them and bringing his hands up as though to grab Harry, with his seeker reflexes Harry grabbed Draco's arm pushing him against the wall "You're simply breathtaking" Harry breathed before closing the distance between them and pressing his lips against Malfoy's.
With a noise of indignation Malfoy had struggled and tried to push him away. Harry still remembered the look of shock, anger, and also lust that had crossed Malfoy's face before he'd relented and allowed Harry to kiss him.
It had all started with that kiss; Harry just couldn't find the same passion he felt than when he was with Malfoy. He felt alive, like Malfoy lit a spark that ignited his life and made everything more vivid. They had separated from the kiss both feeling slightly awkward, the sight of Malfoy with hair lightly mused breathing heavily his lips red from kissing would be etched forever in his memory. They had made their way back to the party, separately. Harry immediately seeking out Ginny and throwing himself into conversation.
It had taken only 3 days for him to hear from Malfoy. A note had come to him at work bearing simply a date, time and address. It was written in elegant spiked handwriting, signed by a Dragon stamp. Harry memorised the contents then destroyed the note. Anticipation curling in his stomach for the following evening, he blocked out the sense of guilt by telling himself they were just two friends meeting up, that was all.
"Ginny I'm sorry love, it came up at last minute, you don't mind do you? We can go out the following night" Harry looked at his wife who was sitting across the table scowling at him. Apparently he had standing plans with her to go to the new French restaurant in town. "Harry this is the first night out we were planned to have in months I can't believe you're blowing this off to go meet some old friend." "like I said Gin, he's only here this week and it's the only time he can do and it's been so long, I promise we'll go to that restaurant next week" Ginny huffed and rolled her eyes but Harry knew that was acquiescence from her. "Cheers love" He said bending down to kiss her.
Harry stood outside the hotel feeling inexplicably nervous. A small part of his mind couldn't help wonder if this was some kind of trick on Malfoy's part. Ignoring this part of his mind Harry stepped in and after consulting the receptionist was given the room key for 204. Making his way up the stairs Harry tried not to think too much what he was doing and let his feet move on auto. Once he located the room he knocked on the door. It swung open and standing there was Malfoy. For once not in robes but in muggle clothes; a light grey shirt tucked into Black pants, from which a smart pair of brogues could be seen. The top few buttons of the shirt were undone and the soft flesh of his neck left Harry wondering what it would be like to bite it.
Shaking his head he walked in "Didn't expect you to be here in a muggle hotel and in muggle clothes Malfoy" "I value my privacy Potter the wizarding world can be far too nosy at times" He said sardonically with a pointed stare at Harry. Harry had the grace to look ashamed and turn away, eliciting a soft chuckle from Malfoy who moved forwards wrapped an arm around Harry's waist "let's see if those hands are as good at wandering as your eyes" Pulling Harry towards the bed he pushed him lightly down onto it before straddling Harry. Hands' making quick work of clothes and soon the room was filled with stifled moans and whispered promises.
Trying to ignore the memories invading his thoughts Harry stood up from the bathroom floor, in an attempt to pull himself together. He knew Ginny had been beginning to get suspicious lately; his lies had been growing thinner as had his composure. Sneaking around with a gay lover was exhausting. But he couldn't deny that the happiest moments these days all involved Malfoy. This evening they had met up as usual however, Malfoy had seemed quiet. When he had spoken what he said had almost broke Harry's heart.
"My parents have found me a wife" Malfoy had said quietly deliberately not meeting Harry's eyes as he gripped his hand. Harry felt as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs. Malfoy was leaving him? "Draco, what do you… what does this mean?"
Draco had finally looked at him exasperatedly, "you know what it means, I have to leave and go make merry with some pure blood trophy. You and I, whatever this is, it can't continue anymore" At this choked words had escaped from Harry's mouth and tears welled in his eyes. "This can't be the end, please, isn't there anything, Just refuse Draco. This is the 21st century they can't do this!" Harry had jumped to his feet to his speech such was the passion roiling through him
"To what end Harry?" Malfoy too was on his feet, eyes blazing and cheeks tinted red. "Did you ever think we had a future, would you really sacrifice your marriage, everything you've worked for, for some fling with me?"
"Malfoy please" Harry whispered "don't say that; it's not true" but Malfoy interrupted him "Don't you stand there and tell me it's not true. I have a chance to rebuild the name of Malfoy and restore my parents to the standing they once had. You don't know what it's like being treated like vermin everywhere you go" Malfoy paused breathing deeply so Harry took his chance, grabbing Malfoy and kissing him hard, leaning back and looking him squarely in the eyes "I love you Malfoy, stay; we'll work it out"
For a brief moment harry thought he'd succeeded, but Malfoy's face closed down and he stepped away. "I'm sorry Harry, it's been fun though" and with a half-smile twisting the side of his mouth up he left the room and with a loud crack disapparated.
Harry stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He looked awful; he couldn't go to bed and face Ginny in this state. Thinking of Ginny the thin veil of composure he shrouded around his self almost broke. How could be bare to face her after admitting his love for another man. Splashing cold water on his face Harry tried to tell himself he'd feel better in the morning. He went upstairs, electing to sleep in the spare room tonight. It wasn't unusual for him to do so if he'd worked late and didn't want to wake Ginny. He got into bed and closed his eyes, his dreams haunted by grey eyes.
The next morning Harry felt barely human having had barely an hour sleep. "Harry dear, are you ok?" Ginny's voice was soft and tentative as she reached across and placed her hand on top of his across the breakfast bar. Her eyes were soft but lined with worried and Harry felt guilt sitting leaden in his stomach. "I'm fine love, just tired that's all" He replied a smile on his face but not quite reaching his eyes. "I've got to get to work or I'll be late, see you later" dropping a kiss on his head as she went by, Ginny left the kitchen with a final smile for her husband.
Harry sat at the table staring at his hands trying to sort through the feelings in his head. He was only lucky he didn't have work to go to; having been offered paid leave6 months ago following a not so private breakdown. The stress of his job in the auror department had finally overwhelmed him resulting in a quite spectacular breakdown involving him punching a daily prophet reporter.
Groaning Harry needed his eyes with the heels of his hands. He loved Ginny he really did. But it was only after his meeting with Draco he came to realised the true meaning of love and what it felt like to be in the throes of passion. His feelings for Ginny were what may be felt by a brother for a sister. He couldn't love her like she needed. He couldn't love the man he needed to spend his life with. Tears were falling from his eyes now, the grief and anger in his heart overwhelmed his other senses. With a roar of frustration he grabbed his mug and hurled it against the opposite wall before collapsing the sobs wracking his body. He knew he was being pathetic, but without Draco in his life he didn't care. In this moment nothing else mattered in his life. All he wanted was Draco and without Draco he didn't want life. He'd survived through so much though, could he really end it now?
It was true he had gone through so much Harry thought bitterly, he had always remained strong, always been the one to shoulder the worries of the world, and quite frankly he was sick of it all. What was the point of triumphing over so much if he couldn't even be happy at the end of it? It was like some kind of sick cosmic joke the universe was playing on him.
Well he'd had enough now. Reaching for parchment he grabbed his quill and started his last letter to Ginny in which he attempted to reason his actions and apologise for the hurt he would surely cause. When he had finished he folded it up and put it in front of their picture on the dresser, sure she would see it there.
He made his way upstairs back to the bathroom in which he had spent much of last night; a bottle of firewhiskey in one hand, his wand in the other. Locking the door behind him Harry sat down on the tiles and wigged from the bottle, enjoying the familiar burning sensation down his throat, thinking of the last time he'd tasted firewhiskey it had been from his lovers' lips. Quickly half the bottle was gone and eyes blurred from tears he picked up his wand, barely able to whisper the words he pointed the tip at the arm and watched with satisfaction as the skin was seemingly sliced open and blood blossomed from the cut. Blocking out the pain Harry continued until his eyes could discern nothing but red, once last spell directed at his wrist he sat back and closed his eyes waiting for the black to overwhelm him, ignoring the strange pounding he could hear that he took to be his heart's losing battle to pump life through his veins.
Low soft voices broke slowly through Harry's consciousness. He tried to make out what they were saying but the voices were too quiet. He lay puzzling where he was. Last he knew he'd been entering oblivion on his bathroom floor. His tried to move his arms and cover his eyes from the brightness, the voices he noticed instantly quieted and he heard an oh, so familiar voice caress his ear. "Harry, are you awake?"
Harry could scarcely believe it, Draco was here! This must all be a dream then. Opening his eyes slowly his gaze was filled with a pair of stormy grey eyes red rimmed and strained. Harry closed his eyes, it hurt to see those eyes that could no longer be his, and next he felt lips pressed to is forehead. Harry gasped and opened his eyes "Draco don't" he croaked; his voice rough from lack of use.
Draco pulled away a frown between his eyes. "Why did you do it Harry, how could you?" his voice broke and he looked away. Harry sighed it's not like Draco cared he'd been leaving Harry why should he answer him now? "Why do you care Draco? Just go".
Looking around to avoid Draco's eyes, Harry saw he was in a hospital bed. Presumably a St. Mungo's though he was in a private room. "Ginny's been, she bought your note with her" Harry's head whipped round at Draco's words that were laced with anger. "I can't believe you could do this to yourself, stupid Gryffindor, As if I'm worth dying over" Draco leaned over Harry and took his hand gently, his voice softer now as he continued. "I'm sorry Harry. I promise to spend all my years making it up to you"
Harry snorted as venomously as he could "Until mummy crooks her finger then you go running. How was Ginny?" His voice tentative worried how Ginny would be. Draco smirked "Well after chewing me out I do believe she's given us her blessing. Harry I was coming to tell you when I found you in such a state. I've refused to go through with it. You are the only one for me Harry." Draco's voice was earnest as he leaned in, millimetres from Harry's face. Harry shook his head disbelief written on his face as tears ran down his cheeks.
At this point Ginny walked in "Harry you're awake, how are you?" Harry looked at her feeling his heart break all over again feeling so guilty for doing this to her, "Ginny I'm so sorry" His voice low and rough breaking on the last word. He knew Ginny was one of the kindest and caring witches he knew but her next words still stunned him. "Harry I just wish you'd talked to me, if I'd known something was wrong I could have helped. I won't pretend I'm happy that you've been lying to me" Here Harry looked down shame burning on his face, "But I believe I'm realistic enough to know when a marriage isn't working and when it's best to call it a day. Harry if it's Malfoy you want then I'm ok with that. After all when you're from as big a family as I am there's no chance of being lonely"
Tears fell from Harry's cheeks "Gin, thank you so much, I don't know how I can make it up to you" Ginny offered him a weak smile "Ohh a new broomstick will be nice seeing as I've just been accepted into the Holyhead Harpies. Take care of yourself Harry" Then placing a kiss on his cheek, and offering a curt nod to Malfoy, she left the room.
Turning to face the blond haired boy Harry couldn't believe that perhaps in the space of a day his life could have changed to dramatically. Draco smiled at him "I'm yours Harry for as long as you want me"