Chapter 1 is here people. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. Enjoy! :)

NOTE: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or Frozen! Both movies go to their respective company creators.

WARNING: Rated M for violence, gore, language, and sexual smut. If you find this insulting or disgusting please leave NOW! You have been warned.

Chapter 1: The Ultimate Fucked Up Apocalypse

Some people are born into the wrong time and place. This was the post-apocalyptic future of 2029. This all started with one dumbass thing leading to another dumbass thing. Mother Nature herself decided to be a bitch and a sore loser and decided to throw a bitchy fit. She threw everything she could shit out of her ass at us. Tornados, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanoes, thunderstorms, and hurricanes. Then she decided to be "creative" and do combos. Fire tornados, blizzard tornados, earthquake volcanoes, and shit ton of other shit. Then finally she farted out a big fucking meteor at us. Wiping out the whole population. Mother Nature laughed and boasted about her "victory" but then she noticed most of us were still alive. We got away with the last laugh by laughing and her and flipping the bitch off. And of course she left crying.

But the Earth was pretty much fucked at this point. So in order to preserve the human race scientist turned to their research for a way to coupe with harsh environment, and of course they succeeded. But they acted to hastily and used their little experiment without an actual test run and something bad happened. They unleashed a zombie virus. The virus spread like wild fire and reduced the population of billions to millions. So the last remaining scientist desperately made a counter measure. Robots. But of course acting like the idiots they are they didn't test run it. They let the machines loose to combat the zombies. But of course something went wrong and they turned on their creators and, for a lack of a better term "terminated" them. They soon got loose and reduced the population of million to thousands. Fuck you Ozymandias, you suck!

Now years later we as species now live in what fanfiction obsessed nerds consider to be the ultimate post-apocalyptic paradise. Fucking retarded dead shits! Think of it as Five Nights at Freddy's + The House of the Dead x 100. Jesus Christ! A hard land for hard folk. Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival. Hell, this was President Obama back in 2009 and here he is back in 2016. Holy Shit.

To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron. See, there are three kinds of people; dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone will get along, while dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes. And all assholes ever want to do is shit all over everything. So pussies my get mad and dicks every once in awhile because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. The dicks and the assholes who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered, while some men were just big giant pussies.

And this is the story of a dick and a pussy. But both these men have complete contradictions to themselves. Jackson Overland Frost and his brother Kristoff Bjorman Frost. Jack is a dick, but a deflated one like a balloon. He is depressed and bored man that thinks everything is pointless and boring as shit. Kristoff on the other hand is built in man that can take anyone out in one punch, but he's a big fucking coward. He's a pussy. These boys love each other as family goes and they look out for each other.

You see humanity finally decided to man and woman the fuck up, grow some balls and parade their vaginas and come together to survive. They all built a save haven for humanity and for awhile they lived in prosperous harmony. A new government was established and a defense force was formed to combat the zombies and machines. But as anyone can imagine the long and prosperous time was diminished and replaced by dicks, pussies and assholes.

Out in Safe Haven City Square, stood a really mean looking man. This man is an asshole. His name is Big Yama. He was waiting for a certain dick to meet him in a fight. The large crowd gathered together at the square to see this fight. Apparently town fights are all the rage now. This certain dick was none other than Jackson Overland Frost himself. Apparently his cats and dogs accidently shat on Yama's lawn. Frost did clean up the mess, but Yama was too big of an asshole and got greedy so demanded money. But since Jack didn't have it, Yama immediately challenged him to a gun fight.

"Well, well." Yama said. "Surprised you showed up, Frost."

"Yeah, well, you said you would kill my family and burn my house down if I didn't, so..." Jack said trembling in his sneakers.

"Draw!" Yama shouted.

"Is there anything at all that I can say to get you to call this off?" Jack shuttered trying to reason with him.

"Pussy as always, Frost." Yama criticized. "Draw, you son of a bitch!"

"Look, I just feel like if we can talk this out, you know, we can find a calm, rational solution and maybe we even laugh about it one day." Jack continued to try and reason.

"I ain't in the mood to laugh, Frost!" Yama shouted.

"Look, there's always humor in any..." Jack said. "Oh, hey, look. This will make you laugh. Look at our shadows. It looks like our shadows are about to kiss each other. Look at that. Oh, wait, watch this." Jack then took his two fingers to make a shadow dick. Bad idea. "Oh, my God, Yama. Oh, my God." Jack laughed. "Thank you! This is so generous of you. Oh, wow! This is... What a terrific guy you are. We barely know each other, but, hey, when it's right, it's right, huh? I'll give you a little tap on the hat when I'm good to go, okay?" Even his good friends, Hiccup Haddock Horrendous the 3rd, his brother Kristoff E. Aster Bunnymund, and his wife Thoothiana were giggling too. "Look, we're laughing, right? We're laughing now. What were we even fighting about? I can't remember. Can you?" But Yama's response was a gunshot to Jack. Jack jumped in fright.

"Your goddamn dogs shat on my lawn, Frost." Yama spat. "That grass ain't never gonna be the same again!"

"All right, look. How about this? I'll pay you the money you lost, okay? Just give me two days to sell off a few of my sheep and I'll get you the money." Jack offered.

"All right. Just two days." Yama agreed. "If I don't have that cash, I'm coming after ya." Yama warned.

"Okay, great. Thank you so much for your patience. I really appreciate it." Jack sighed in relief. "And what a relief for all these people who came out here hoping that we would find an amicable solution to this, huh?"

"Aw, somebody shoot some fucker!" Someone shouted disappointed.

"I took a half-day off work for this!" Jack's English Teacher shouted too.

"Okay, I just want to point out that guy's an English teacher at our school." Jack pointed out. Yama shot another bullet, grazing Jack's leg.

"Just a little taste." Yama said as he walked away. And soon the crowd walked away disappointed. Jack's friends felt bad for Jack and were worried about him. Even his brother.

"You okay, Jack?" Kristoff said with worry."

"Yeah. Yeah. Just-OW!- Just a scratch." Jack groaned.

"Maybe you should let Doctor North look at that."

"Are you shitting me? Go to that crazy Russian?" Jack said with shock.

"Well he's the only doctor around." Kristoff said. Jack groaned from the mere thought of it.

You're probably wondering why Jack dreads seeing Doctor North? Doctor Nicholas St. North is Safe Haven's doctor. Now that sounds good, except for the fact that he's… well… crazy.

"Nothing too bad." North said looking at Jack's wound. "Just apply some pencil lead and you'll be fine by tomorrow."

"Wait what!?"

See?

Meanwhile out in the ONLY grassy plane inside the whole inner walls, Jack and his girlfriend Rapunzel were enjoying a nice picnic date.

"I mean, that should have been the end of it, right?" Jack said to Rapunzel. "I mean, I tell him I'll pay him off, we go our separate ways, and that's it. But, no, he shoots me in the fucking leg. I mean, it's just a graze, but come on, look at that." But Rapunzel was looking at her boyfriend with disappointment. "What?"

"You should have fought him." Rapunzel said.

"I should have fought him? You're serious." Jack said looking at her with disbelief. "Louise! My God! The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him."

"What is that?"

"It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us." Jack answered. "But, look, it would have been suicide to fight that guy."

"Jack, I'm breaking up with you." Rapunzel said bluntly. This took Jack by surprise as he reacted in shock.

"What?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"I got shot today."

"I know."

"Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a sec." Jack started. "Rapunzel, where is this coming from? Is this because of the gunfight?"

"No, I've actually been feeling this way for a while." Rapunzel answered. "You're a great guy. I just... I realized that I want something else."

"Something else? Rapunzel, it's been a year and a half!" Jack said. "Look, I know I'm just a dog trainer, but I'm saving money..."

"Yeah, but you're not even a good dog trainer, Jack." Rapunzel retorted. "Your dogs are everywhere. The one thing a dog trainer has to do is keep all of his dogs in one place, all right. I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the backyard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond, and one on the roof."

"Okay, that's Sophie, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love." Jack explained. "Look, we're getting off track here, all right? Why don't you just tell me what the problem is and then maybe I can fix it?"

"Maybe if I were older, the timing would be right. But people are living to be 35 these days and a girl doesn't have to just go off and get married right away. I just, I have to... I have to work on myself."

"Oh, my God. You did not just say that." Jack groaned.

"What?"

""I have to work on myself."" Jack quoted mockingly. "Rapunzel, that's the oldest line in the book. You realize that. You know what, it's okay, though. It's all right. I know why you're saying it. It's because you don't want to tell me that I'm the problem." Jack wasn't wrong. Though he might have made it worse.

"Goodbye, Jack." Rapunzel said. She then got up and walked away.

"Goodbye? Wait. Rapunzel. Rapunzel!" Jack called. "I love you."

"I'm sorry." Rapunzel said. And that was the last time Jack would ever see of his now ex-girlfriend for a while. Jack was now all alone and sad.

And there we have it! Chapter 1! I think I did and ok job on this, but I want you people to be the judge of it. Read it, review it, and tell me what you people think. This is just here for people to enjoy. :)