EA/BioWare owns this. Stolen idea from Marvel Universe and .Com.

Warning! Not To Be Taken Seriously!

One-Shot #1: Dance-Off, Brah!

Set in Mass Effect, Battle Of The Citadel, 2183

"The time has come for you to rejoice and renounce your paltry Gods!" Former Council Agent Saren Arcturus shouted as the gathering crew of the SSV Normandy stood poised to stop the rogue SPECTRE as they stood in the middle of the Council Chamber, the Turian mere meters from his objective. For months, this monkey had been chasing him! HIM! Like he were some common criminal! He stared hard at the male Human, armored in that ridiculous N7 Armor as if it would protect him, standing side-by-side with outcasts and pariahs. There was that snotty Human female who was oppressed because she was kin to that poor excuse of a General, Maxwell Williams. There was that piss-poor Turian Detective, who couldn't even investigate his way out of a wet paper bag. There was the old broken Krogan battle master, more corpse than warrior. There was Benezia's daughter, a weak, timid thing. There was some Quarian Pilgrim, the one who had gotten his SPECTRE status revoked. He would break them all, and he would smile when he did so.

"Bah! Look at him now, your so-called 'Human SPECTRE!'" The Turian Biotic waved in the general direction of Commander John Shepard, the monkey still standing there. "Your salvation is at hand!" Saren moved his hand towards the console set at the Council Chambers that would activate the Dark Relay, bringing their Cycle into renewal. Just the press of a button, and his will would be…

"OOOooohhh…"

Wai… what?

"Child, things are going to get eeesaiiieeerrr!"

Saren turned, and Spirits what was he looking at?

There was Commander John Shepard, standing defiant in front of him meters away, wiggling his body and… singing?

"OOOooohhh… things are going to get bbbrighttteeerrr!"

Saren stopped what he was doing, unable to believe his eyes. The monkey was wiggling his body slightly, mostly in the hips and hands in some sort of… dancing fashion?

"Listen to these words now." The monkey was pointing at him with his finger, picking him out.

Saren's hand lowered from the console as he found himself unable to look away from this… torture.

"OOOooohhh… child, things are going to get eeesaiiieeerrr!
OOOooohhh… things are going to get bbbrighttteeerrr!"

"Break it down hard now!"

The wiggling turned into some weird running-in-place motion. Saren just stared, stupefied.

"SSSSOOOOMMMMEEEEDDDDAAAAYYYY!
We'll get it together and get it all done!"

"W-what are you… doing?" Saren asked, mystified, the former Council SPECTRE looking at the monkey, unable to believe what he was doing as he watched the Human begin wiggling his hips in a humping fashion.

"Dance off, brah! Me and you!" The monkey pointed and winked at him with a smile. He then kicked out his leg and did something with one of his arms that was in between swatting a fly and placing a bet.

Spirits, what the vrack was he looking at?

"Liara" The Human's arm went out to the Asari Scientist, as if reaching out to her. The Doctor, holding herself and looking at the Human wide-eyed, just shook her head 'no' rapidly, equally utterly confused.

"Subtle. Take it back!"

Then the monkey started dancing. AGAIN.

"WHAT… ARE YOU… DOING!" Saren demanded, having enough of this foolish s'kak. He was going to enjoy ripping the baboon's spine from out of his back.

"It's called a distraction, ya big turd-blossom!" The monkey smiled, splaying out his hands and fingers and wiggling them as if he had just won a prize.

Click-click.

Saren realized that he made the most cardinal, most rookie mistake a warrior could make.

He forgot about the others.

The Turian turned to see four beings holding shotguns at his back, just enough time to recognize the Krogan, Human, Turian, and Quarian all armed with Armageddon-series Shotguns, pointing at him at less than a distance of two meters away. Three of them smiled at him malevolently, and the Quarian's helmeted eyes just twitched psychotically.

"Vrack."

B-B-B-BAM! BAMBAMBAM! BAM! B-BAM! BAM!

…Then…

BAM!

"Just making sure." The Human female replied as she pulled the barrel of her shotgun from Saren's skull, a new hole decorating his fringe. The Krogan just laughed.

Author's Note: At least I didn't talk him to death.

And thanks to Lukael for this idea, a several-panelled drawing in which Commander Shepard plays Starlord, Liara is Gamorra, and Saren as Ronan. You can check it out on his Tumbler account at .