I wanna be drunk when I wake up
On the right side of the wrong bed
And every excuse I made up
Tell you the truth I hate
What didn't kill me
It never made me stronger at all.
Love will scar your make-up lip sticks to me
So now I'll maybe leave back there
I'm sat here wishing I was sober
I know I'll never hold you like I used to
I walked through the streets of New York on a snowy winter night. My camera hanging around my neck at the ready in case I came across any good shots. I saw this huge building and thought it was the best opportunity for an exterior shot. I brought the view finder to my eye and started snapping away happily. After I got three shots I looked at the result on the screen. The shots were good. I noticed at the bottom of a building stood a woman wearing a beret and black coat. I looked up at the scene which I had just captured and the wind got knocked out of me.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing before my very eyes. Among the hundreds of people around us, standing before me was Rachel Berry, a girl I haven't seen in months and thought I would never see again. Yes there had been promises to keep in touch, but everyone says that come graduation. But as I live and breathe Rachel Barbra Berry is standing before me, on a cold snowy night in New York city, looking more beautiful than I can remember. My instincts told me she'd had a massive make over since leaving Lima, and damn I have to say it's for the better. The first thing I noticed were the honey highlights in her hair, which fell into perfect curls over her shoulders and back. The next one was the fact that she was wearing eye-liner, a lot of it, not that it didn't look good on her, but I remember days when she didn't even wear any to school. I looked down for a second, she was holding a to-go cup of coffee in one gloved hand and two shopping bags in the other. She was wearing a long black coat which covered up the rest of her outfit, what I could tell for certain was that she was either wearing a dress or a skirt, because the only things covering her legs were a pair of skin colored tights, and her shoes were classic black pumps. Anyone who didn't know any better could have mistaken her for a very rich, very busy lawyer or business woman, but no, she was Rachel Berry, NYADA student and Broadway's future star.
"Quinn?" her voice pierced my thoughts, snapping me out of my own world and back to reality.
"Rachel! It's so great to see you!" I said finally, a smile creeping across my face without me even noticing.
"You look great! How are you?" she asked, pulling me into a one-armed hug with the arm that held the coffee. I wrapped both arms around her tightly for a second, taking in the sweet smell of her shampoo.
"I'm good," I said as she pulled back, "And if I look great then you look stunning cause…Wow"
"Quinn Fabray, sweet as I remember!" Rachel said, smiling at me warmly.
"No but seriously, New York looks good on you!" I said, already feeling nostalgic of her sweet scent. "How's NYADA?"
"Not so bad, though my Dance Teacher Ms. July makes me miss Sue Sylvester!" she said, chuckling at the end of her sentence.
"That bad huh?" I couldn't help but chuckle along with her, though I don't know if it was because of what she said or the fact that she had a super cute laugh. I took a deep breath, my heart raced at the sudden realization that the feelings which I thought had evaporated never left, they just sat dormant in my head until now.
"Quinn, are you okay?" she asked, once again interrupting my thoughts.
"Hmm? Oh yeah, I just uh, a thought came across my mind that's all" I said with a smile.
"Is something bothering you?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah actually, a little bit." I said with a sigh.
"Well, tell you what, how about we go grab a bite to eat and we can talk? On me." Rachel said with a smile, "If you want to, that is."
I smiled at her immediate invitation, not many people I know would offer you a pair of ears when they hear you're bothered by something, which reminded why I was in love with her so much. I figured that it was now or never.
"Sure, that would be awesome!" I said with a smile. We walked off together and I let her lead me to wherever she thought was best, she did after all know New York better than I did. We made small talk on the way there which helped ease the tension.
"So are you still a vegan?" I asked.
"Yes, are you still head over heels in love with bacon?" She asked chuckling.
"We're getting married in the summer; will you be my maid of honor?" I asked with a giggle.
"I cannot approve of that marriage." She said, with a laugh, causing me to laugh harder. Somewhere during our walk she had finished her coffee and ditched her to go cup and we were walking through the city with our arms linked. She lead me to this quiet little Italian place. We sat at a booth and ordered our food and a bottle of wine, continuing our chat while we waited.
"So what brings you to New York?" She asked, sipping some wine from her glass.
"Honestly, I was just aching to see you again. I mean, I wanted to see the city, and spending the holidays in Lima felt like re-visiting a nightmare. So I thought why not?" I said with a shrug, taking a huge swig of wine to try and calm my nerves.
"Y-you came all the way to New York to see me?" She said with a big smile. I was one of the people who was actually able to tell the difference between her stage smile and her genuine smile, this was the latter.
"Well, yeah, kind of." I said, smiling at her.
"That's so sweet. I would have come up to see you, but, my dads will be here in a few days and I was busy decorating, shopping for gifts and just getting ready for the holidays." She explained.
"It's okay! It's your first Christmas in Ney York, I wouldn't even dream of you missing it for me! Besides I'm stuck in a shoebox of a dorm with my roommate. There wouldn't even be any space and I wouldn't dream of you spending your money on a hotel, so it's like we co-ordinated." I said with a giggle.
"I guess so." She said happily with a shrug. "So where are you staying anyway?"
"Well actually my mom heard about how much I wanted to see you and the city and she bought me a week in a hotel for Christmas, though I was thinking of dipping into my savings and staying here for New Year's Eve." I explained.
"You don't have to do that, listen Kurt is off in Lima for the holidays, so you can stay in his room and we can go to Times Square and see the ball drop!" She said invitingly.
"That would be amazing! Thank you so much!" I said.
"It's my pleasure." She said. "You have no idea how much seeing you means to me!"
Yeah, I thought to myself, I know what you mean.
"So, how much of the city have you seen?" Rachel asked.
"Not much, the view from my room is beautiful, I've probably got like a hundred pictures taken from the window, but other than that all I've done is shopping." I shrugged. "I've only been here like a couple of days and I didn't go anywhere my first day."
"So you haven't even seen central park yet?" she asked as if it was some sort of criminal offence. I giggled.
"Only from the window of my hotel room, most of my shots are of that actually, contrast between city life and nature." I said, showing her the pictures on my camera.
"Have you ever thought about taking a photography course? You're really good." She said, handing me back my camera. I chuckled.
"It's come across my mind once or twice, maybe I can take one between freshman and sophomore year." I said, putting my camera away as our waitress came back with our orders. We started eating and continued our conversation. We spoke about everything throughout dinner, plans for the future, whether or not we'll ever go visit Lima again, if we heard any news about the remainder of the Glee club. We chatted about anything and everything while we got through dinner. We finished up, paid and decided to stay just a bit longer and finish our wine.
"So umm," Rachel said, taking a sip of her wine before she continued. "Is there any particular reason you wanted to see me?"
"Actually, yeah, there is." I said with a deep breath. "I need to tell you something."
"What is it hon?" She said, making my heart jump at the last word. I took a deep breath and a big gulp of wine before I went on.
"Rachel, I…" I began, not sure how to put my words. "Ever since the first time I ever saw you, at McKinley I mean, I, I always thought there was something about you, something that for me made you stand out from the rest of the school."
"The fact that I was the biggest loser there?" She said with half a giggle.
"No, that's not what I meant. And I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way about yourself, I was a total bitch in high school." I said.
"Quinn, it's okay, it's in the past, besides you were a sweetheart in senior year." Rachel said with a smile.
"That's only because I stopped trying to hide the real me." I said, taking another sip from my wine.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"Thing is, Rach, I'm…" I said, I gulped, not sure if I was ready for this.
"Quinn, you're nervous, you know you can tell me anything right babe?" She said, reaching over across the table and taking my hand, giving it a light, comforting squeeze. I took a deep breath.
"Rachel…I'm gay." I said, tears ready to pour out of my eyes like a water fall. I looked at her, waiting for her reaction. She stared at me for a second.
"You're…" she said, she didn't need to finish. I nodded, not strong enough to speak without bursting into tears, desperately trying to push down the lump that had grown in my throat.
"Quinn, sweetie it's okay!" She said, sensing my panic. "I'm just surprised cause I never thought…"
"Then again no one ever suspected Santana either." I finally said, tears streaming down my cheeks. Rachel reached over and wiped away my tears with the pad of her thumb, I couldn't help but smile.
"But…" She said again after I had calmed down, "What does this have to do with me? You said something about me in the beginning, I don't understand."
"Rach, I…I've had a crush on you since I first met you." I finally said. "I thought that graduating, being away from you for more than one summer would make me forget about you and move on, but it only made me miss you more, way more. I couldn't take it!"
She didn't say anything, she kept staring at me like I was insane, and honestly I wouldn't blame her. The silence was killing me.
"Rach, please say something." I begged, eyes shut tight trying to hold the tears back. I realized at that moment that she was still holding my hand, squeezing it tighter than ever.
"I-" She began, but it's like the words escaped her.
"I'm sorry." I just blurted out. "I'm an idiot."
"Quinn, you're not, it's just…" She just couldn't finish her sentence. I saw her shaking her head lightly, not sure what it meant, but something told me it wasn't any good.
"I'm sorry, I can't think right now, I have to go home." She said grabbing her stuff and looking at me one last time. "I promise I'll call you tomorrow and we'll talk okay?"
I nodded lightly, trying to hide the tears. I barely noticed she left. I took a deep breath and got up, went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. Then I left the restaurant and hailed a cab and gave him the address to my hotel.