A/N: So, not too sure where I am going with this. Maybe a few chapters, if that. Takes places during GHOST when Alex comes back. Please review; I would love some feedback!

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters. Dick Wolf does; that lucky man!

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I don't think Olivia knew how much she was hurting me...

The detective continues to talk to her partner in the other room. I can only imagine what they are saying behind the pane of class. I sigh and look away, a tongue running along my lower lip in thought.

How could she know the ache she brought to my heart? I never revealed my feelings for her. I never built up enough courage to explain how my heart pained for her. I could never bring myself to explain why I always fought with her; never told her it was because I didn't know how else to interact with her without unraveling my true feelings. It was a front. A mask I put on so I would prevent my heart from experiencing the pain of rejection and the burn of embarrassment. Yet, it felt nothing but torment and misery ever since the caramel eyed detective came into my life.

I came to the conclusion that it was time: Time to reveal it all to Olivia. Time to confront my fears. Time to stop my trembling heart from the torture I put it through. And it would be now. I begin to recite the words I will utter to her.

The monologue seems to be memorized after the several times I have gone over it. I'm nervous but somehow I know it is the best thing to do. I push myself off the desk as I see her leave the room; luckily by herself. I give a small smile to her appearing form.

"Olivia, I wanted to tal-," she interrupts me.

"Alex is back! She is going to appear for trial to testify against Liam Connors. I thought I would never get to see her again!"

All color fades from my face as my heart crashes to the ground along with my courage. Now I know not from which to take my cue; I want to speak but know not what to say. Alex Cabot has returned for trial and I can't believe the woman is back in Olivia's life. I choke back a sob when I see happiness consume the brunette's face. For once I want to be the one who brings a smile upon her features. For once I want to be the one who makes her eyes shine. I begin to think it is too much to ask for.

I had just recently discovered that Alex wasn't dead but indeed alive and well. I arrested the man for a crime he didn't commit and the judge almost had my head. How the hell was I suppose to know she was in witness protection? I had no clue she would risk coming back to testify and even though it would now help my case, I couldn't help but feel the overwhelming feeling of dread weigh my body down.

I avert my gaze so she cannot see the misty tears that begin to coat my eyes with hurt. I give a curt nod and attempt a broken smile, as if I am happy to hear such dreadful news. I suddenly wish I did not exist. I wish this was a bad dream, but I am not that lucky.

"Sorry, Case, what were you going to say?" Her stance changes ever so slightly.

Pleasedon'tcallmebymynickname, I beg. It only beckons my heart to weep.

"Nevermind. It was nothing," I lie. I lie straight through my teeth. "I actually have to go." I don't bother to wait for a response from the woman who had successfully shot me down. I leave with urgency, trembling in this drunken state. I begin to sob inwardly at such misery. I imagine she doesn't even wonder why I left in such a hurry. Why should she?

I didn't understand this. I didn't understand why I was becoming so weak. I was unraveling and couldn't find the thread to stop until I was nothing. No one and nothing has ever affected me in such a way where it interferes with my life. Ha, what life? I breathed law and order. It was all I had which was a depressing thought of it's own.

The tears slip over my eyes and down my cheeks. They fall freely to the floor with each step I take. I rarely walk with my head hung low like a girl who got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. But I can't help it. There is nothing giving me a reason to keep my head up and my eyes forward. Her words are ringing in my mind like church bells; forcing me to remember something I wish to forget.

Just as my hand meets the door, I hear the familiar ring tone emit from my purse. Wiping away those stray tears, I try and see the name that matches the number. It's her. A sharp pang stabs my heart and I wonder what she could possibly want.

Sniffling hard, I look around, a look of anguish painted across my face. I don't know what I am searching for. Perhaps my strength, my courage...anything to help stop this pain my heart is feeling. With a shaky hand, I flip open my phone and take a deep breath, trying to control my breathing and fainting heart.

"...Novak."

"You left in a hurry. You forgot your file on the case."

"Oh," my heart sinks even deeper into my stomach; I didn't know it was possible. Of course she wouldn't notice my torment. Normally Olivia was quick to notice when I wasn't okay, but Alex seemed to take priority over her thoughts and intuition.

"Have you left the building? I can rush it over to you."

"No." I say a bit all too quickly. "I mean...no...don't bother. I have left. I'm just going over to Judge Moyer's office and I will be back later. Just leave it on your desk and I will get it later...please," I know I sound harsh, but it's my best defense mechanism. It's all I have.

"Um...okay. Sure. Well...have a good night. Bye, Casey."

"Bye Olivia."

Click.

With a push, I leave the building, enjoying the fresh air as much as I can that fill my lungs. I feel sick. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. All I want to do is forget everything. A strong drink will help suppress my thoughts and emotions but only for so long. I wish I didn't have to self-medicate. I wish I didn't rely on the alcohol or the pain killers to relieve my sadness. But I did.

Tomorrow would be the day I finally meet the famous Alex Cabot. I don't think I could go through with it...