A/N: This was written after the last season finale. The conversation between Benson & Amaro really annoyed me so this was my response. My opinion,Stabler never personally stopped her from doing anything. He told her he would always support her, any decision she made in that time was hers & hers alone.
Disclaimer : characters aren't mine. All words written are mine. They have previously been published under another name & on another fanfiction website.
Alone:
She will always be alone in the end.
Olivia sits at her desk, the light from the lamp glows eerily against the relative darkness of the squad room.
She is the last one there, always the last one there. She had assumed becoming Sargent & being in charge of the squad would allow her more flexibility in her working hours but it hasn't happened.
She looks at the photo on her desk, Noah, the little boy she so desperately wanted to adopt. She needed to spend more time with him. She could get him all the luxuries in the world, every toy available, designer clothes, but she felt like she was unable to give him the one thing he really needed, a mum who could be there.
Lucy, his babysitter, spends more time with Noah than Olivia. The girl goes out of her way to help out. Nothing is too much trouble, late night phone calls, overnight stays due to complicated cases, anything.
Complicated
Olivia hates that one little word can perfectly sum up her life. It had been complicated from the day she was fucking born.
Olivia has no doubt that somewhere deep down Serena did love and care for her. They seemed to find a more even footing as Olivia got older. She does wonder sometimes if her moving away and starting her own life helped that. The less Serena had to look at Olivia, particularly her eyes, the less she has to be reminded of the night she was raped.
Even her relationships were fucked up, Olivia thinks. Who gets engaged to their Professor because the thought of breaking away from their alcoholic mother is way too tempting. He gave Olivia an out & she took it.
Of course Serena hadn't reacted well to the news. She had thrown an empty Vodka bottle at Olivia's head. In the end, even with the engagement being called off, Olivia did escape. She had finished College and moved away with some friends. Serena didn't put up a fight this time, she let Olivia go.
Olivia sighs and looks at the paperwork still sitting on her desk, almost mocking her for making her stay late. She gets up, decides the paperwork will still be there in the morning and flicks off the lamp.
Grabbing her back she strides out of her office, nods at the overnight shift detectives and makes her way to her car to go home.
She steps through her front door to find Lucy making her way out of Noah's bedroom. Olivia realises that once again she has missed her son's bathtime and bedtime story.
Olivia thanks Lucy for staying late again & tries to ignore the voice in her head telling her how much of a better job Lucy is doing raising her son.
After Lucy has left Olivia checks on Noah, kisses his little forehead and leaves him to rest.
She goes straight to the kitchen and retrieves the half empty bottle of red wine stashed away in the back of the fridge. She needs a drink.
Complicated
That fucking word haunts her. She starts thinking about David Haden. That started out complicated. Looking back on it Olivia believes she should never have started a relationship with him.
She had even told him she was coming out of something. He never asked what and she never elaborated. How can you explain you are coming out of a 12 year partnership?
How do you explain that even though there was no sexual relationship the feelings you had ran deeper for that one man than any other?
Haden was a mistake. She had fallen for his charm and in the end she was hurt. He received a promotion and she got, well nothing really. She even promised him that their relationship never happened, God forbid anyone find out and ruin his promotion.
Before she realises it the rest of the bottle is gone. Olivia groans to herself, after all who else is with her, and moves from the kitchen to the living room.
She goes empty handed though. If she is in a reminiscing mood the last thing she needs is to add alcohol to the mix. She doesn't want to end up like her mother.
Cassidy, she thinks, Brian Cassidy. She knows it should have stayed a one night stand all those years ago.
It was like cosmic forces wanted to push them back together. He had grown up a lot, or so it seemed. She was in a vulnerable place, but would never admit it.
He was what she needed at the time. Olivia knows he cared about her. She knows if William Lewis had never happened then she would never have agreed to move in with Brian. She just didn't want to be alone.
She does wonder though, what Brian would get up to while he was undercover. As much as she tried to pretend it never bothered her she often thought about the night she had to listen to him with the prostitute.
That was something she never thought she would have to hear. Yep, her boyfriend getting a blow job from a hooker while she listened...all in the name of the job.
Olivia looks around the darkened apartment. The one she & Brian picked out. She still doesn't like it. She should have insisted he take it when they split up.
Looking for a new apartment was on Olivias "to do" list but with work commitments the list was getting neglected. She figures they have a roof over their heads so even though the place is less than ideal it can probably wait.
She thinks about him and hates herself for it. As much as she tries to tell herself she is fine without him, Elliot Stabler is never far from her mind.
Twelve years, twelve fucking years and he was gone. Some days she wishes she could say she never heard from him after the shooting. That was she could forget how fucked up things got.
Yes they had flirted a lot in the early years but it was purely innocent. When Olivia first joined Special Victims she had been scared shitless. Elliot took her under his wing and they grew close.
He knew everything about her. He knew about her mother and Olivia's desire to find the man who raped her. He supported her no matter what.
She always thought she knew all about him but as their partnership progressed she came to realise she had no idea about his childhood. So much so that she had thought his mother had passed away and was very surprised to find she was alive.
He closed himself off more when he and Kathy split. Olivia knows it was a coping mechanism for him but that was when things began to change. Their dynamic was off.
Noah makes a noise from the bedroom and Olivia bolts to his door. She pops her head into his room and he murmurs once more. She stands and watches him as he settles himself down and, not for the first time,she wishes Elliot was here.
Olivia goes back to the living room and sinks into the couch cuddling up to one of her big cushions. Why does she do this to herself, she thinks.
She remembers Lewis holding her captive. He had told her that eventually she would shout out the name of the one she loves. He had assumed the name would be Brian. Lewis knew he they were in a relationship, after all Brian had called her to say he wouldn't be home when Lewis had her tied up.
Olivia knew it wouldn't be his name though. She knows that if it had come down to it, the name she would have uttered with her dying breath would be "Elliot."
Olivia thinks back to the time their partnership had become extremely strained. Elliot was separated from Kathy and he was becoming unbearable. Olivia had also realised her feelings had changed for him.
She had always been a little infatuated with him, who wouldn't be? Those blue eyes, gorgeous abs and his voice...his voice could make her melt some days.
It all changed though. On the same case they both had to make a choice, the job or each other. They chose each other.
That was when she realised it wasn't a little crush she had, Olivia loved him. She couldn't imagine being without him.
So what did she do? Confess this to him, hoping he felt the same way? Nope, she did the one thing she does well, she ran.
First to computer crimes but it was still too close to him and she found herself drawn back in a matter of months.
Olivia pulls the cushion closer as she thinks about the second time she left. Oregon. She had fucking jumped at the chance to go.
She made up excuses for not saying goodbye to Elliot. The main one being the fact that he was unconscious but she should have insisted on leaving him a note, anything, but she just ran.
Olivia had to admit she did enjoy the freedom of Oregon. Even though she was on a case she was able to forget all the crap going on in her life, even if it was just for a little while.
Once the case was over though had no reason to stay, she had to go back to New York and him.
God she treated him like crap when she returned, Olivia knows that. Casey had filled her in on what had happened while she was away.
So even though Olivia had met the temporary partner, Casey had informed her that that there was probably more to it.
Elliot had pretty much confirmed it, but he never said anything outright and she didn't want to ask.
They ended up having a heart to heart on Elliot's stoop after another hard case. He had told her he needed to know they could disagree and she wouldn't just up and leave again.
Up to that point she hadn't realised how much her leaving had hurt him. Yes he had been angry when she returned but she didn't think it was because he missed her like she had missed him.
Olivia's phone chirps. She groans and retrieves it from the coffee table hoping it isn't another case. She unlocks the phone to see it is a message from Alex. She throws the phone back down on the table, making a mental note to reply in the morning.
She thinks back to that night on Elliot's stoop. She had wanted to kiss him, wanted to know how he tasted. Olivia had resisted though. They were still working on their partnership so the last thing she needed to do was add that to the mix.
So she decided to hold off. Olivia had seen him watching her when he thought she wasn't looking. She was sure he felt the same way.
It all changed though. One fucking case changed everything once again. Malcolm fucking Royce. Even today that name still makes Olivia want to cry.
At the time Olivia was oblivious to what had happened the night Elliot went to check on his kids. She had even told him to do it. She wants to kick herself for it.
It all came out during the Parker trial. Olivia had been so caught up in everything going on in her own life she hadn't realised something was going on with El.
He told her outside the courtroom that Kathy was pregnant again. She couldn't believe it. Then the next blow, he is going home. She had walked away, left him standing there.
Olivia wiped her eyes. Even so many years after the fact it still hurts.
He had come to her that night, to her apartment. She had been reluctant to let him in but relented.
He had tried to explain things to her. He hadn't meant for it to happen and most certainly hadn't meant to get Kathy pregnant. He told her that he had needed comfort.
So she finally said it. "If you wanted comfort why didn't you come to me?" She had almost whispered it, scared of the consequences.
He had looked shocked, he did admit to her years later that he just didn't know how to respond to her, but that night he had just walked out of her apartment. Leaving her alone.
After that she had pretty much avoided him. Worked with Munch and Fin when she could. Admittedly Elliot made it a bit easier by leaving as early when he was able to rather than hanging around, he even seemed to make an effort to take Kathy to all her appointments.
Olivia sighs, all of her appointments except the one that ultimately mattered. The appointment Olivia offered to drive Kathy to so Elliot could make progress in a case.
Elliot had spoken to them just before they left the Precinct. He has told Kathy he loved her and before she even realised what she was doing Olivia had rolled her eyes. It seems so pathetic to her when she looks back on it, she even thinks if she was ten years younger she would have made the gagging noise to go with it.
Olivia still hates thinking about that day. She doesn't remember a lot, just the screeching of tyres and waking up to find her car totalled and Kathy unconscious.
Olivia had saved Kathy's life and was the first person to hold Elliot Stabler's newborn son. She had held him close, feeling his tiny heartbeat on her chest. Olivia hadn't wanted to let him go.
When Elliot met them at the hospital he had practically barged passed her to get to Kathy's room. Olivia hated him for it, she knew he wanted to see if they were okay but she still remembers wanting to shout at him and remind him she was in the car too.
She still doesn't know why she hung around after he went in room. She should have just gone home.
If she had just gone home he would never have grabbed her and held her, and she would never have clung onto him like her life depended on it.
He had hugged her, and right now the thought of that is making her want to punch a hole in the wall.
In the early days of their partnership they had touched a lot. Over the years and as things got more complicated, yep that word again she thinks, the physical contact between them had died off.
The hug was probably the first time they had touched each other in an intimate way in a long long time. Especially after her confession in her apartment.
Olivia had felt his arms arms around her for days. She had gone to bed that night feeling fuzzy and for the first night in a long time she had slept.
Elliot started bringing in photos of little Eli and kept telling Olivia of the milestones he was hitting. As much as she didn't want to she could feel the jealousy wash over her each time.
Olivia decided to do what she does best. She ran, not in a physical sense, she just tried to run from her feelings.
She buried herself in work, again tried to work with Munch and Fin as much as possible. Fin got curious one day and had asked her if something was going on. Olivia knew he was genuinely worried about her but she still accused him of indulging in the office rumour mill.
She doesn't even bother thinking about Kurt Moss. There is something to be said for one night stands. One night of no strings attached sex and no awkward conversations in the morning. That is what Moss should have been.
She had just wanted to be in a relationship that worked, Olivia mused. She wanted an inkling of what Elliot had
Honestly though, Moss was boring. Even now she can see it, the guy was beiger than beige, no personality whatsoever. So she got rid of him and made Elliot come out for drinks.
He was supposed to console her over her breakup but all he talked about was the damn baby. He was teething, he had colic, blah blah blah. In the end she was glad that they had a break in the case so they could get the hell out of the bar.
One case made her think that maybe Elliot thought of her as more than a partner when she offered to go undercover at a women's prison. He had been dead against it. Told Cragen that it was a ridiculous idea and when he then found out it would be Fin going under with her, Elliot completely blew his top. He had told Cragen it should be him, he was Olivia's partner and he should be the one to have her back. Elliot seemed to have forgotten he had already been in the prison acting as a lawyer so it wasn't possible, but it didn't seem to stop him from ranting.
Olivia found out later that Elliot had even taken Fin aside and told him that if anything happened to her on his watch that he had better watch out.
The man always acted like the overprotective boyfriend and she didn't even get any perks out of it. Olivia slightly smiles at that thought.
The problem is she wishes it had of been Elliot in there with her. She often wonders if he had been there would Harris have had a chance to take her away to his little play area? Would Elliot have seen this and followed them? Would Harris have got the chance to attack her?
Olivia hates that she still thinks about this. That she can still see him as the knight in shining armour coming to rescue her. Even through her ordeal with Lewis she kept thinking it would be Elliot who would coming bounding through the door. In the end it was Nick and even though she was in so much pain, physically and emotionally, this knocked her for six. It was almost like she had told herself Elliot was coming so often that when Nick walked in it was almost like losing Elliot for a second time.
Olivia thinks about the last year they had spent together. They had seemed more relaxed with each other. The little touches had returned, they had even started joking around a little bit. Things weren't as forced between them.
It was almost as if they had both decided to stop pretending. Even though they had never talked about that night in her apartment so many years ago, they both knew the feelings hadn't disappeared. Elliot was even letting his be known to her. Olivia knew he loved her they way she loved him.
Olivia listens to her own breathing, in the quiet of the apartment it is almost deafening. She remembers the night Sonya Paxton died seemed to cement things for them. Now Olivia is the first to admit that neither of them were close to Paxton. In fact they both had made it clear they didn't like the woman.
That night though, they had held each other again. He had been in Quantico so they had only communicated via phone and text messages. Olivia and Fin had been chasing leads on the case, which Sonya had gotten herself fully involved in.
Olivia had found her bleeding in a church bathroom, Sonya's throat had been slit and Olivia had known she was fighting a losing battle. All she could think to do was put a scarf on the gaping wound in a futile attempt to stem the bleeding.
She had walked around in a daze after that, just walked around the corridors of the church until she saw him.
Elliot had come around a corner and they had both stopped for a brief second and then almost at the same time they ran to each other. She had needed to feel him, to know he was real and she believed that he had needed the same thing. He needed to know it wasn't her dead on that bathroom floor.
Then the shooting happened. They had wrapped the case up, had suspects in custody. It was all over, until Jenna walked into the squad room demanding to see the men who killed her mother.
Olivia looks at her watch, it's not even 10pm. She had thought it was a lot later than that. She can hear the rain beating down on the window. Funny how the weather had chosen to add to the depressing atmosphere.
She often wonders how Jenna got the gun through the security checks. It is something that to this day she still doesn't have an answer for.
What she does know is that Jenna pulled a gun and started shooting. Olivia saw her aiming the gun at the men who killed her mother, then suddenly it was on Sister Peg. Jenna pulled the trigger and Olivia ran to Peg, she tried to stop the bleeding. It had felt like Sonya all over again.
Olivia heard a gunshot and for a second she thought Jenna had shot her, she squeezed her eyes tight shut.
When she finally opened them she looked over to where Jenna had been standing to find her on the floor. Olivia then sought out Elliot to find his gun aimed at the spot where Jenna had been standing.
Jenna was dead and Elliot walked out of the precinct that day and never returned. Of course she didn't know that at the time. Olivia also didn't know that Jenna had pointed the gun directly at her head while she was helping Sister Peg. She only discovered this after she reviewed the security footage later.
Elliot came to her apartment that night. This time she wasnt so reluctant to let him in. He told Olivia he wasn't coming back, it was done. Olivia didn't believe him, she told him being a Cop was in his blood and that he couldn't just give it up. She started rambling about them being partners for better or worse, she can't remember everything because suddenly he kissed her.
His lips were on hers. It was soft, hesitant, like he was waiting for her response. So she gave it to him. She opened her mouth and slid her tongue over his to deepen the kiss. She ran her arms up his and up around his neck to pull him in closer.
They broke apart and just listened to each other breathing. Then she told him to go. Fuck, he was married. Okay, so the only reason he went back was because he knocked up his soon to be ex wife, but still, he was married.
Elliot had tried to fight her, he told her he wasn't going anywhere. She told him they had no future, that it was only the job that had kept them together for so long. He had looked so hurt when she said that.
She still doesn't know why she said that. It was like a defense mechanism was kicking in. All she had ever wanted for such a long time was him, and now she was being given the opportunity to have it, but she was scared. She was scared that she would fuck it all up, like everything else.
Elliot had walked to the door, as he opened it he turned around and told her that the night he went home to Kathy he wished he had come to Olivia instead. He told her that it was the biggest mistake he ever made and that he regrets it every single day.
She had just told him to leave and not come back.
The tears are streaming down her face. She just sits there thinking of what she should have done differently. She knows it is her way of dealing with things, she had fantasised about being with him for so long but the thought of it being a reality had scared the fuck out of her.
Not long after Lewis had taken her for the second time Olivia had a surprise visitor. Kathleen had called into the precinct, out of the blue. Olivia hadn't heard from any of the Stabler clan since Elliot left. She can understand that. Dickie had practically accused them of having an affair and Olivia does think that the kids probably did blame her, to some degree, for their father not being around a lot. Kathy had even said it one day, Olivia was the "work wife".
Kathleen had wanted to go for coffee, just to talk. Olivia knew that her name was out there, Lewis was high profile and the fact that she had gone on national television to say she had lied in court meant that most people could put her face to the name now.
They had talked, Kathleen was concerned for her and wanted to make sure that Olivia was coping. It seemed the Stabler children were all doing well. Kathleen caught her up with all the goings on. Olivia could tell she was holding something back though, almost like she was unsure of whether to say it or not.
In the end Olivia had been the one to ask how Elliot was and Kathleen looked relieved. Some of the things Kathleen had told her had just broken her heart. She had found out that he & Kathy did finally divorce about a year after the shooting.
Kathleen explained that he just withdrew. The older kids weren't home anymore so it was just Kathy, Elliot and Eli and as much as he did try he had trouble moving on. He had been a cop first and husband/father second and Elliot had struggled to change that mindset.
The kids had all seen it at one time or another. Elliot quietly playing with Eli, Kathy in another part of the house, silently angry at him. The divorce came as no shock to any of them.
Elliot was no longer in New York, Kathleen said shortly after the divorce he moved to LA. At first he had gone to stay with Bernie at the beach house. Kathleen had just smiled at Olivia when she told her that Bernie would love to see her again. Olivia had blushed, she now knows that Elliot will have heard how she went up to Long Island to try and help Kathleen out.
They had talked for what seemed like hours. They still keep in touch now, she is still the only one who has contacted Olivia. The kids get Kathleen to relay messages every now and again but she hasn't seen them.
Olivia gets up from the couch and decides she has had enough. Too much reminiscing for one night, she already knows that she will wake up with her face wet from tears because she will dream about him again.
In her bedroom she quietly changes and lays out her clothes for the next morning. She goes and takes one last look at Noah and climbs into bed. Secretly she hopes he will wake during the night and need her to calm him down. Some days just a cuddle from that little man helps take away the pain.
She lays there in the dark. The memory of Kathleen's last visit is weighing on her mind. She always knew the information sharing would be a two way street. Obviously Kathleen is filling Olivia in on Elliot's life so she would be telling Elliot what is happening in her life, she never doubted it.
Kathleen had taken a few photos of Noah on her phone and asked if she could send them to her Dad. Olivia was a little hesitant but did agree. She could see Kathleen was internally debating whether to tell her something. Olivia sighed and told her to spit it out.
Elliot was seeing someone, apparently it was quite serious. They had met through work and Kathleen said for the first time in years he sounded happy. Olivia surprised herself in how well she reacted, her voice hadn't wavered when she said it was a good thing, Elliot deserved to be happy, and she didn't let the tears fall until Kathleen had left her apartment.
Olivia rolls over, the other side of her bed still empty. No her side and his side, just her. Elliot had moved on with his life while she was still stuck. She was stuck in New York, stuck at the One-Six and still stuck on the one man she couldn't have.
She closes her eyes, hoping that sleep will claim her soon. She thinks about Noah, how he will grow up and she prays she will be lucky enough to see it happen.
He will leave her though, everybody does. Her mother, Haden, Moss, Cassidy. Hell even Munch and Cragen have left her too.
As she drifted off to sleep her last thoughts were that the love of her life is gone, and she will always be alone.