Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns it all. *sigh* Maybe he'll sell them to me someday . . . when I'm rich and I can afford them . . . a girl can dream, right?
Here's another oneshot. A/O is already established. Enjoy!
Alex never cries. She learned long ago not to. If you cry, the pain will get worse. And so she doesn't.
Even when the worst cases come along, she doesn't react. She puts on her Ice Princess façade and doesn't show a thing. Even when she has horrible nightmares, even when Olivia's undercover and she's worried about her, even when they have a fight and end up saying the most horrible things. She doesn't cry, because it will do nothing for her. Crying never helps you and it never protects you. She knows that.
Olivia cries sometimes. After a particularly trying case, when she feels insecure about herself and the genes she might carry, when she sees Alex in pain and doesn't know how to help her, and on those days when she just misses her mother – or rather, wishes she'd had a better relationship with her mother when she was alive.
But Alex has a feeling she couldn't cry even if she wanted to. She tries sometimes, because she wants to feel something, and she thinks that crying might be cleansing. Cathartic. But she can't do it.
Alex gets home from work emotionally drained, and Olivia's there waiting for her. Olivia, blessed Olivia who does not ask, who hands her a steaming mug of tea and guides her to the couch, sits down beside her and massages her shoulders as Alex takes a sip and singes her tongue. She takes Alex into her arms and kisses Alex's hair. "I love you, baby," she murmurs, resting her cheek on Alex's head.
"I love you, too," replies Alex. It's almost an automatic response, but at the same time, it's the truest thing she's ever said.
Olivia runs her fingers through Alex's long blonde tresses and doesn't say anything more. Alex is glad for it, because she doesn't know what to say to Olivia. But that's all right. Because here, enveloped in Olivia's warm embrace, she knows that she's safe. And that's enough for now.
Finally, she breaks the silence. She knows that she has to let Olivia in, even just a bit. "This one bothered me," she admits. "Probably more than it should."
Olivia gives her a squeeze and another kiss. "Why?"
She shrugs, almost dismissively. How is she supposed to answer that without revealing too much all at once? She can trust Olivia, and she knows that, but she's never told anyone her secret before. She sighs, then makes a decision. She's going to have to take a chance. She closes her eyes and says, so quietly that the words are barely audible, "That little girl reminded me of myself when I was her age." And then she holds her breath, waiting for Olivia's reaction.
Olivia doesn't say anything for what seems like an eternity, and Alex starts to wonder whether she's even spoken aloud, or if she just said the words in her head. But finally Olivia kisses her cheek and asks, "Why?"
Alex hesitates. Olivia isn't running yet, but if Alex tells her, she might. She looks at the ground and doesn't answer.
Olivia seems to understand, because she presses a soft kiss to Alex's shoulder blade and starts to gently rub her back. "I love you, baby, more than anything. And nothing's ever going to change that. No matter what you tell me – or what you don't tell me – I will always love you."
Alex swallows hard. She can do this. She can be brave. She can be strong, just like Olivia is every single day. She clears her throat, trying to keep her voice from breaking as she says, "My father." She takes a deep breath. "When I was a child, he sexually abused me." She has to say it clinically, otherwise she doesn't know what might happen. She knows she won't cry, because she never does, but she might do something much worse. "I never told anyone before."
Olivia holds Alex tighter, gently stroking her hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Alex shakes her head. She can't.
"Okay," agrees Olivia. "You don't have to. I love you, baby. You're so brave and I'm so proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to tell someone, and now you have."
Alex just stares at her. "But I haven't."
Olivia gives her another kiss. "You will when you're ready."
Alex leans back against Olivia, but involuntarily she starts to tremble, whether from relief or from fear, she doesn't know. She closes her eyes and struggles to calm herself down. It doesn't work.
Olivia rubs her arms to warm them up. "It's okay, baby. Let it out. Let it all out. It's okay."
And for the first time in twenty years, Alex settles into Olivia's embrace, and she cries.
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