A/N: I just never get bored of Shinya's backstory...
Well, this takes part after the whole thing somehow ends and Shinya somehow doesn't die (I killed him in my mind in many different ways... and I don't think he'll make it alive...) the three visit the grave of Mahiru, then... what next?
btw, English is not my mother languge. Sorry if there were any mistakes.
Disclaimer: I don't own Owari no Seraph or any of these characters.
It was very dark outside. Clouds covered the cheerful sun, hardly allowing its warmth of reaching them, not that they would feel it anyway. They painted almost everything in different shades of the same color: grey, not that they could see any other color.
That atmosphere didn't bother them a single bit, for it reflected the one inside of them. Not that it was a bad feeling, after all, what else would someone feel when visiting the grave of someone they held dear?
Their steps echoed as they walked… They could hear their sound clearly... It was empty, but not choking.
Instead, all of it, no matter how sad it may seem, was in fact very peaceful and relieving.
After all, the very last bit of burden they carried finally fell off. As they faced their pasts and regrets no matter how painful they were, guilt no longer could press their hearts…
Well, he was an exception. He could still feel the silent torture that merciless judge, because he refused to accept his punishment and look at his past.
But, what's the point now? He's always denied it… He never admitted, not even once, that he was hurt, and had hurt others. Wouldn't it be fine to break through that wall, once and for all?
Yes, this is a perfect opportunity.
"Wait…" Shinya said, overshadowing the echo of his steps…
"There's one more place I need to go to."
Guren looked almost confused for a moment, then nodded for him to lead the way.
Shinoa noticed that her brother kept a certain distance ahead of them as they were walking, and, unlike Guren, couldn't help wondering where the three of them were going…
As expected, she didn't recognize the place when they arrived. She could tell for sure that she has never seen that building before judging from its surroundings… however…
"I'll be back in a moment, don't follow me, alright?" Shinya said, giving them his usual flat smile, before entering the half-destroyed building.
She couldn't help feeling uneasy about what he said.
'Don't follow me, huh? Looks like I still have an amount of pride…' Shinya laughed humorlessly at the thought… He took a deep breath before walking through an empty corridor. Even though a long time passed since he last stepped there, he could still remember every detail about that place. He walked straight toward his destination.
A large hall, very large, but empty; It looked slightly different from what he remembered… Shinya noticed that the walls and floor were white, while the old picture in his head insists that they were red.
"Long time no see…" He greeted the blank space, old memories raise to the surface…
'no…' He stands straight.
'I don't want to…' a confident look covers the innocent childish face.
'don't make me-' He knows exactly what he has to do- '-kill'
"I know I should have never come here since the moment I stepped out but-"
After all, he used to hate this place.
He wanted to refuse, he wanted to disobey. He couldn't help wondering when this nightmare would end.. but now, he's used to it…
"-I guess I got too used to this place. I had to come back."
His heart used to hurt so much, but it grew numb. His mind used to refuse it all, but it became convinced that it was pointless.
"Even though I'm not really sure if I'm welcomed here, there's something I have to do. It wouldn't be fair to keep my old companions in the dark."
Companions… enemies but comrades… some of them were even his friends…
He killed them.
A drop of blood stains the pale cheek. Glassy eyes that reflect nothingness tell on another murder he committed… one against himself.
He killed. And unknown to him, or probably known but ignored: he secretly wished, waited for the nightmare to end.
"The world we all dreamed of never existed." Only he, the survivor of that tragedy, was allowed to know.
They died dreaming of a beautiful world, and he lived to know that it was a lie… Now, whose life was the most tragic?
Did he have the right to tell them? Was it just to satisfy their possible wish of him living miserably?
Either way, he was going to tell them. Whether it was just to complain or argue that his life wasn't better than theirs, whether he was doing it for himself or for them, didn't matter in the very least.
He closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing the bitterness of that reality before revealing it: "The world outside this building was not a paradise. None of us had a chance of winning–" and if only he knew from the beginning "-we lost our battle the moment we were chosen."
He noticed that his heart was aching with every word he said… it was nothing new to him, then why was it so painful?
"Simply because, making a way out of here wasn't the bright ending of the tunnel." He knew that the ending of a nightmare was only the beginning of a new one.
"The name we fought for wasn't a pride." 'Pride'!? Carrying it itself was a sin.
"The life with that supposed family wasn't happy either-" His pride has long ago committed suicide, forced upon it by the simple, selfish desire of surviving. "-and far, far from being free." It was the life of a puppet, an emotionless tool, a killing machine.
Shinya wondered, what exactly was the difference between now, and fourteen years ago? He didn't want to think. He'd always ran away from guilt, and pretended it never existed. But this was the right moment to stop and ask that question. After all, that's what he came for.
'Nothing changed, did it?' The answer was as simple as that.
He was a murderer, and he still is.
He learned not to care, but he still does.
And it still hurts; no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it hurt. It hurts.
The lives he stole, even though it was supposedly justified, keep haunting him.
And here he is, daring to face them… What exactly was a sniper supposed to say to his victims?
'I'm sorry'? Surprisingly, yes.
It was ridiculous, but it was all he could say.
He leaned on the wall behind him.
"I'm sorry…" cracked voice
His body was shivering.
"I'm sorry"-a sob
He pressed a gloved hand on his forehead.
"I'm sorry" -a whisper
He could always justify his action, but this time, he chose not to. Between heart and mind, the latter had always won because it had words, it was reason; while the former was speechless. He decided to finally listen to his heart's voiceless words. They screamed silently: 'Selfish. Bad. Wrong.'
'I'm sorry.' For having a life… despite it being painful, he had a life. Because humans, no matter how painful life is, keep longing to it. Looking for ways to make it better, looking for a goal, a purpose.
Before knowing, he had one. He had never noticed, but it was ever his wish. That heart colder than ice was burying deep, deep inside, a lonely child stuck at the age of five, who only seeks warmth, and wishes to be loved.
It hurt to live, but he still lived. He lived. And for that sole reason, many souls were sacrificed. Even mind was admitting it: it was wrong. Not fair. And he realized that, as long as he keeps living, there won't be any 'justice', and guilt would keep devouring him.
Shinya felt his strength betraying him. Pathetic. The deepest of wounds didn't stop him from fighting, and now his legs were failing him because of some stupid thoughts, yet he couldn't help it. After all, even now, he was fighting. And only he can tell how tough his enemy was: his own self.
He was there to put an end to his torture, did it mean to end his life?
No.
What he was planning was in fact, to live on in their stead. He was the one to survive that massacre; it wouldn't be fair to take his own life so easily. Live on. Prove that you deserved it. Live up, and be happy.
Happy… that word was almost meaningless to him, but now, for their sake, he will achieve it.
He laughed… "Achieve happiness, what am I thinking?" his giggles echoed in the empty hall, and reached every spot of that unfortunate place, breaking its curse and making it cheerful.
He looked at the door behind him, or through it, with serious eyes, but a hint of smile was still present. "I already have it." He couldn't help wondering if he never noticed, or overlooked this simple fact in fear of it to vanish; he couldn't help wondering when it started, but he came to realize: he was happy. The care he feared was his medicine. The warmth he sought was offered by those he cared about. They were his new family, his new home.
A new life begins, for him, and them.
The two waiting outside could no longer hide their worry. It's been over half an hour since Shinya left and still no sign of him… Guren finally broke the silence: "Shinoa… do you have any idea why he isn't back yet?" his voice was steady, and didn't sound like a question. It was more like an order to explain.
"I don't know." She lied. She didn't need much time to conclude what that place was to her brother, but judged that it was best if she kept it for herself, after all, Shinya wouldn't want his best friend to know his darkest secret.
Still...
"That's it, I'm going there… let's just hope that idiot isn't making fun of us.", said Guren, secretly wishing the opposite. A lame joke was the best case scenario he could think of. Before taking the first step, he heard the annoyingly familiar high pitched voiced saying: "Sorry for the wait~"
Guren froze in his place, he'd normally be fighting the urge to punch the younger man, but all he could do was to sigh in relief. He asked without thinking, knowing that worry was shading his voice: "What was that place?"
Shinya took a last glance back and answered: "hummm… My childhood home, I guess."
He suddenly felt a faint warmth on his usually-blood-stained hand… He looked down to see Shinoa hesitatingly pressing it with the tips of her fingers, looking away awkwardly, as if not sure of what she was doing. He pressed back, smiling a heartfelt smile… 'I'm fine' he said without a word, then let go of her hand.
"But seriously, you two? I've been there for quite a long time and none of you bothered to look for me. It makes me sad" Shinya said in a dramatic voice.
"We were following your orders, Major General."
"Why would we? It's not like you'd need babysitters."
The two answered in imotionless voices. But then, Shinoa grinned: "Actually, Lt. Colonel was worried about you~"
"Uh..."
"I had to calm him down down every now and then... if not, he would have followed you the moment you left." Her grin grew bigger, but she tried to keep a serious tone.
"I see..."
"He said something like: "I can't stay here while my best frined is fighting his demons alone!" and was about to rush in... but I think it was quite right, he didn't go to look for you, doesn't it make him a bad friend?"
"A bad one indeed." Shinya nodded in agreement.
In normal circumctances, Guren would have been ignoring the whole thing, or struggling to keep his calm; but this time, he just laughed it off.
"Now, can we please go home, I'm tired." Shinya complained in a fake tone, stretching his arms…
And once again, he was leading the way… the exact same way they crossed before, but it didn't feel the same… they couldn't hear the echo of their steps, for the half-siblings filled the air with their mocking words and laughter, which was by chance shared with Guren…
And even though the sky was still cloudy, Shinya decided to see colors again, and the others obediently followed.
A/N: Thank you for reading... I hope you like this fanfic..
Anyway, please tell me what you think about it... PLEASE... I'm very sorry if anyone was OOC... these characters are hard.. and well, Shinya kinda broke down so...?