She stared back at him in disbelief, her mouth hanging slightly open.
"Um… w- wow," she finally managed. "That's…"
"Yeah?" he asked timidly.
"I… that's a huge step."
He sighed. "I know, hon, but… I've given this a lot of thought. I know that I want this… I only hope you do too…"
"I… I really don't know what to say…"
"Say yes!" he enthused.
"No, I'm being serious here, I… I'm at a loss for words…"
He laughed. "Well that's sure unlike you."
"I know…." She sighed and looked up at the sky. "You're sure you want this? It seems like you're just… compensating?, I guess…"
"Compensating?"
"Yeah… I mean, it's just that… I don't think I'm the one you're in love with, is all."
"But you are! I… I don't know what else I could do to prove that to you…"
"Look, you're… You're nice and you're funny, and even caring, and any girl would be lucky to have you, reall--"
"Could we get to the 'but' part of this?"
"…But… this is a huge decision… And I don't know if I'm ready for it. I don't know if I can give you an actual answer to that…"
"Well, why not? I mean, you know how you feel about me!"
"That's the problem… I'm not so sure I do… I'm just… I'm so confused right now…"
"Well what are you confused about? Maybe I could help?"
"No, you can't help me with this. I'm sorry…"
"This isn't because of…" he trailed off and raised an eyebrow, but she understood what she was talking about.
"No, that's not it at all. What other people do is none of our business, and, and it shouldn't even factor into this decision."
"Okay, great! So what is on your mind, then?"
"It's just… I don't know if I'm ready for this kind of commitment. I mean, this… this is a really huge decision you know!"
"I know…"
She took a breath and continued. "I mean, surely you couldn't have expected me to say something so quickly…"
"You… you haven't really said anything…"
"I know… I just… don't know if I'm capable of making this kind of choice… part of me still wonders if…"
"If…?" he prompted after a pause.
"If you're still in love with… her…"
He smiled. "Oh… hon, we've discussed this… Sure, I loved her, and sure, I still do… but… I'm not in love with her… I never was…"
She sighed and looked up into his eyes. "Are you lying to me?"
"Never."
"Hmm…" she muttered and cast her eyes back down to the sandy beach.
A long silence followed, and the two listened to the waves gently sloshing on the shore; small puddles formed in small pits of sand, the earth walls trapping the water inside them. She blinked slowly as she studied these small pools forming, feeling a strange connection to them.
"Honest, babe… you're the only one I want to be with… I swear…"
She nodded slowly, still studying the sand, still listening to the water washing up and down the beach. "Mm… yeah… Yeah, I know…"
He sighed, slightly exasperated. "So… your answer is…" He tried to finish the sentence, but though his mouth formed the word, he was unable to make himself say it.
"No," she finished his sentence for him. "I'm sorry… I… I can't do it."
He nodded sadly. He was afraid that this would happen… He surely had not expected (though may have hoped) it to go off without a hitch. Other than the colloquial meaning of the word, of course, he added mentally.
"Okay," he said, sadly. "I… I understand that… Does… Does this mean we're breaking up?"
She turned slowly to face him. "…I don't know the answer to that…" She slowly took his right hand in her left and sighed.
He looked down at his hand as she grabbed it. The familiar warmth was not there anymore. He felt cold instead.
"I really am sorry," she whispered, pulling him into a hug. "You have no idea…"
"It's okay, really," he said, hugging her back. "I… do you want to spend a few days to get your thoughts straight? Maybe decide what you want to do about… us?"
She sighed and shook her head as she pulled away. "No, I… I think I know what I need to do… Doesn't mean I want to do it, by any means…"
He blinked slowly. "What… what are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying," she said, as she swallowed a lump in her throat, "that I'm not sure we should see each other anymore."
"You… you can't be serious," he said, as he felt his knees get weaker.
"I'm so sorry… this wasn't an easy choice at all…"
"I don't understand…"
"I don't expect you to understand now, but I'm doing this for your sake… trust me… it's something I have to do…"
"No… there's got to be another way… there has to be!"
"I'm sorry… there's not," she said, slowly turning back around to look at the sea.
He stared blankly at the back of her head, then slowly asked, in a small voice, "…why?"
She sighed and bit her bottom lip, then glanced briefly over her shoulder to look at him. She shut her eyes and faced away from him, blocking her tears from escaping.
She so badly wanted to tell him the truth…
…but she couldn't bring herself to do it.
"Why?" he asked again. "There's got to be a good reason… I'll settle for a decent one! I just need to know why!"
She took a small, quavering breath and shook her head. "Trust me… I know you don't understand now, but you will… you just need to give it a little time…"
"But… can't you help me to understand now? Please…"
She sighed, and softly whispered, "I'm dying"…
…but she was standing so close to the sea, that the crashing of the little waves on the beach devoured her words…
He sighed, and resigned himself to just wait to see if he would understand later. "Okay…" he sighed, too softly for her to hear him.
She turned back to look at him, and saw he was looking down at the sand. "I'm sorry," she whispered. He dismissed this by shaking his head.
"Don't be," he sighed. "It's… it's not your fault…"
"I still… I feel like it is…"
He nodded softly and looked at her sadly.
"I know how hard this must be for you," she whispered. "But… you'll make it through, somehow…"
He nodded, and she put her hand on the back of his neck and pulled him down to kiss his forehead. He had the same odd sensation of coldness when her lips touched his skin.
"Should… is it normal to feel… detached?" he asked, hoping he'd found the right word.
"I think so," she replied as he took her hand in his. She looked down and frowned slightly. She had been unable to feel the warmth of his touch for a few months by that point.
"Is everything okay?" he asked. "I mean, obviously, it's not… okay, but… is everything more or less okay than about ten minutes ago?"
"It's about the same," she replied softly.
"I guess that's good," he sighed. "At least, as good as things could be right now, considering…"
She nodded slowly, gazing off into the distance, her mind miles away from where she was standing. "I feel like… like time isn't really moving for me anymore… like I'm falling behind of everybody somehow…"
He looked at her, confused. "I… I'm afraid I don't understand…"
She smirked slightly. "That's alright… I was really talking more to myself than to you…"
"Oh," he said, looking around slowly.
Blinking slowly, she pulled away from him and took a few steps along the shore, gazing off towards the horizon. She wondered why it had taken so long for her to tell him the truth. It made no sense, considering how close she considered herself to be to him… He should've known as soon as she found out…
But she didn't tell him… and she couldn't figure out why… other than to protect him.
Tonight had caught her off-guard. And now she had told him before she was ready to.
… the only up-side was that he seemed to be taking it rather well…
She turned around to look at him. "Owen…" she started.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Could… could I have one last kiss?" she finished, walking up to him.
He hesitated briefly, then leaned in and kissed her passionately on the lips, losing himself in her arms.
And then, much too early for him, she pulled apart. "…Thanks," she said, with a soft smile.
He smiled back and tried desperately to think of something heartfelt and memorable to say, but all too quickly, she had turned and started walking away.
He watched after her and began to cry.
Now, he stands at the head of her grave, still crying, unable to quite grasp the reality of the situation. Amidst all the cries of "she was so young" and "she didn't deserve to live such a terrible life", he says the opposite.
"She was too good for this world," he whispers softly.
His best friend's wife looks over at him and nods.
"I proposed to her," he says shortly, after the service is over.
"What?" Keely asks, as Phil walks up next to her and puts his arm around her.
"I proposed to her one night… about four months ago, I guess it was… she said no… that she couldn't… that I'd understand one day… I guess she just didn't have the strength to tell me…"
"She… must have wanted to protect you from this," Keely sighs softly. This is the first time she has heard of the proposal…
"I really loved her," he says, blinking a few times.
"I know…" she says, trying to comfort him. "And she knows… trust me, she knows…"
Owen nods and looks up as a familiar-looking face comes into view. "Excuse me for a minute," he says, standing up.
"Of course…"
"Hey there," he greets as he approaches a woman about a year younger than he is. "It's… been a long time…"
"Hello Owen, how are you doing?" she asks in her familiar British accent.
"I've been okay, I guess… I mean, of course it's been really rough, I just…"
"I understand," she says, pulling him into a quick hug, careful not to let it linger to long. "I'm really sorry about your loss," she adds as she pulls away.
"Thanks," he sighs. "She… she really meant a lot to me… I had even proposed to her at one point…"
"You did?" she asks, hoping to hide the jealousy in her voice. "What happened?"
"She said no… and that any girl would be lucky to have me…"
"Well, I think she's right about that…" Via says, smiling at him.
He grins back and replies, "Maybe so… she also said that I'd understand why she said no to me one day… I guess it makes sense to me now…"
"I had never even known," she says in a hushed voice. "I thought it was just a freak thing… I never knew she had been sick for so long…"
"Neither did I… I don't understand why she didn't… tell me…" He frowns and looks to the side.
"What's wrong?"
"Now that I think about it… I think she might have tried to tell me… I think that was the last thing she said to me that night… Maybe I just didn't hear her…"
"Could be," she says. "Just know that you have friends who love you, Owen… I'm here if you ever need to talk about this…"
"Thanks Via," he smiles and hugs her again, and she closes her eyes as he does so.
He smiles at her again then excuses himself as he walks back to the headstone. "I didn't want to be so alone," he whispers to her, hoping that she can hear him somehow. "I look behind every light for you…"
Another tear falls from his eye as he looks at her name carved into the stone.
"Where are you?…"
The last kiss was so long ago, that he does not remember it anymore.