）╯︵ ┻━┻ FLIP THAT TABLE.
┻━┻ ︵FLIP THIS TABLE.
┻━┻ ︵ ＼('0')／ ︵ ┻━┻ FLIP ALL THE TABLES
wrigter..-_-
-_- Put.
-_- The tables.
-_- Back.
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I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK IN ANYWAY! I ONLY OWN ANY OC'S THAT POP UP!

Cathren sighed as she stared blankly at the darkness that was the back of the moving truck. Her parents thought it best for the short haired brunette to be in there so the moving guys wouldn't steal anything while her parents weren't around. Soon she felt it some to a stop and the moving guys pulled up the door as Laura shielded her reddish brown eyes from the bright light an her dick head of a father poked his head in.

"I'll take it from here sweetheart, why don't you go up and check out your new room?" he said as Cathren shrugged and walked past the brown curly haired man. Cathren smiled to see the place was red. It was her favorite color. Now all she had to do was find….

"Meow~" Cathren looked down to see a black aged cat with yellow green eyes waltzing over its chunkiness to her with its blue color jingling along.

"oh there you are kitty. (Fun fact! I actually have a cat exactly like this IRL I never noticed she was closely named to Erics cat until I watched an episode with in it.)Come on dad said to check out our new room…. OH, Wait a minute." Cathren stopped at the door and turned back to the van and jumped in and searched each box until she found one labeled 'Cat's shit' Cathren frowned at this, her dad was never fond of kitty since she loved her more than him. Cathren took the box and jumped out taking kitty's box up the stairs with the black cat following her.

She cut open the box with her hidden pocket knife she kept in her grey hoodie and pulled out the cat bed, litterbox, food bowls, toys, and even a cat tree. then began to set it all up the cat tree took a few minutes but hey she did it.

The cat tree stayed near the window so Kitty could see outside. The bed was next to cathren's of course and the litter box went in the bathroom. The cat began to play with her jingle ball while Cathren took a look outside at her to see a blonde teen watching the moving people. But what really caught Cathren's attention was how the guy was dressed he was some sort of a… magician? she could only see the top of his head so it was hard to tell.

Cathren looked at her cat as she also looked out the window while resting in her newly set cat tree. Cathren shrugged and went down stairs to set up the cat bowls. she set them down near the outside door and put the food and water in when she did that she turned around she saw her mom.

"oh, hey mom." Cathren said giving a wave as her mom gave her a sweet smile.

"hi sweetie~ how do you like the new house?" her mom said as cathren shrugged.

"I don't mind it much and my room is bigger than the last one." Cathren said as her dad came in with a scowl.

"Heyyyy, why don't you go outside and play? Like normal kids? And not on your games like a mindless zombie?" her dad said in that tone where you know your dad is pissed. Cathren shook her head

"no thanks i want to beat some of my newer games dad." Cathren stated and started to go and get them hooked up as her dad gave a frustrated sigh.

"It wasn't a request it was a demand!" her dad snapped as her mom sighed and went out of the room while her dad took her wrist as nonviolent as possible and dragged her outside while Cathren glared at the dick and felt the door slam behind her….

"Wait a minute I get little to no character development and the main story starts!?" Cathren snapped as the narrator looks over from the bushes.

"hey man, I missed my coffee and I'm out of my mind right now…" narrator explains as Cathren rolls her eyes.

"At least tell the readers some of the stuff that's going on… wait you know what? Let me." Cathren said as she cleared her throat.

"well for one me and my family just moved into this quiet little mountain town and my two friends Gabby and Mathew are also here… well Gabby will be here in a week and Mathew is to enveloped with his girlfriend to hang with me. So I'm here on my own right now. My parents are complete polar opposites when it comes to raising me, my DHD or dick head dad wanted a boy but when I was born a girl he got all pissed off and his tantrum lasted for sixteen years now, my mom on the other hand never cared for gender and loves me like every mother should love their kid. I also have a breast problem…. I don't really care but I hate being so flat chested that people CONSTANTLY mistake me for a boy I'm sixteen man! Sure once or twice is one thing but this is every FUCKING DAY! And-"

"pssst honey." A voice said as cathren turned to see her mother was peeking through the mail slot.

"mom?" Cathren asked as she looked at the mail slot only to see a twenty dollar bill slipping out to her.

"this is for you so you don't go out there with no money ok?" Her mom said as cathren smiled and took the bill with a smile.

"thanks mom~" Cathren said as her mom smiled and shut the mail slot and footsteps echoed away from the door while cathren pocketed the money.

"You shall die by my war hammer drow elf!" a wimpy voice said catching Cathrens attention as she looked over down the sidewalk to see that blonde kid again only to see him fighting some other kid that was dressed as a woodland elf. Cathren slowly walked a bit closer to get a better look.

"Nu-uh!" the other kid that was dressed as an elf said as the two fought.

"I banish thee to the forest realm!" whimpy id stated as the elf courted back saying mostly the exact same thing Cathren smiled and leaned against the tree to watch them fight only for the guy to completely over power the poor kid.

"help someone! I can't hold out much longer! HEEEEEELP!" the blonde kid shrieked as Cathren glared as the other as he kept on hitting the kid. Cathren cracked her knuckles and marched over to the "elf".

Cathren loomed over the guys shoulder and menacingly tapped his shoulder as he turned snapping at her.

"what the fuck do you want asshole?" Cathren wasted no time a cracked that guy in the jaw.

"OW! No fair! I'm going to tell my mom!" the boy said holding his jaw as he ran off. Cathren sighed and looked at the boy who was getting up and smiled the most innocent smile she's ever seen.

"Thanks kid! I didn't realize he had a health potion on him. M-my name is butters the merciful! I'm a paladin I live right next door to you, we should be friends!" he said happily as Cathren smiled she couldn't help it this guy seemed too sweet for words.

"hey since you helped me want to join our game? I'm sure a cool guy like you would be awesome to play with! And the wizard king has been talking about your arrival." Butters said as Cathren raised an eyebrow and shrugged and walked in pace with the boy.

"so where are you from?" Butters asked while they walked.

"I'm from virgin Utah, it's sort of like this in the winter so this isn't that bad really." Cathren said as butters nodded.

"so do you like Colorado?" Butters asked as Cathren shrugged. "I guess, I just got here so I'm not sure."

The two walked up to a green house just next to butters. Cathren looked over and blinked at the fence with a sign saying "kuppa keep".

"I don't get it. How did this guy know I was coming." Cathren asked with her eyes wandering more at the place while butters knocked on the door. The door was soon opened for cathren to meet a slightly taller boy that was on the bulky side but not unhealthy plus he was obviously a wizard due to his attire. The moment the boys eyes landed on cathren his face courted in confusion and disgust.

"Butters, did you bring a fucking girl here?" the boy asked folding his arms at the blonde.

"W-well you see grand wizard, I was getting killed by a drow elf and… wait I forgot to ask your name!" Butters said as they both looked at her.

"my name is Cathren." She said as butters smiled. "Right! And Cathren came in and gave the elf a good crack in the jaw! And I thought: hey! We should recruit her so she can beat up more elves for the humans!" butters said as the boy looked back over to her with a slightly less disgusted face.

"so you can fight? No damsel in distress? You won't be having me or any of the others saving you're ass all the time?" the grand wizard asked making cathren scowl.

"I hate being the damsel in distress! I'd rather be kicking ass than getting my own kicked." She said making the wizard think for a moment.

"alright, I'll let you in on a test run. If I like what I see from you, you can join up officially. My name is Eric cartman, the grand wizard of kuppa keep." Eric said moving a bit out of the way for the two to enter.

"Wait, before we start: how did you even know I was coming?" cathren asked again since butters never answered.

"oh right, you're coming was foretold by coldwell banker. Now lets get to the kingdom." Eric said as he walked inside with the two in lead (butters shut the door.)

"oh~ who's your new friend Eric?" his obvious mother said as Cathren smiled and before cartman could tell her to shut up he was cut off.

"I'm Cathren I moved in just a house down today. It's no problem me being here is it?" Cathren asked as mrs. Cartman just smiled.

"Oh no, not at all! You go on and play now~" mrs. Cartman said as the three continued on their way to the back yard.

"why did you talk to her?" Eric grumbled as cathren shrugged. "I just thought she was nice so I wanted to be polite." She said while eric opened the glass door.

"Welcome to the kingdom of kuppa keep!" Eric said as Cathren blinked at the site, she's never seen a backyard fort look so cool! And she made one out of two chairs and a sheet with a few cardboard boxes… but nothing like this!

Eric walked over to an obvious shop and gestured to the brunette with a slanted helmet and red attire.

"our weapon shop is tended by clyde a level 14 warrior." The wizard said as clyde tried to straighten his helmet while winking flirtatiously at cathren making her gag and continued following with butters.

"over here you see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger scott malkenson, who has the power of diabetes" Cathrens's eyes bugged out hearing that while butters just waved innocently at scott.

Then they made it to the end of the pathway and Cathren gasped.

"holy crap a princess Zelda cosplayer!" she stated making "princess Zelda" turn to her.

"mmmpmmpmpmhhh?" Cathren froze not knowing what to say and Eric groaned.

"kinny, just unzip the part over your mouth so we can all understand you." Eric said (more like demanded.) making the hooded kid sigh and undo the zip.

"I said: Eric, what's a girl doing here? Not that I mind but I thought you said you were never letting girls in?" Kenny asked as Eric shrugged.

"I'm only giving her a one day trial run, now this is the "breath taking and lovely" princess Kenny the fariest maiden in all of the land… his words not mine." Eric said as he cleared his throat.

"well, introductions are out of the way it is time for your first quest! But first you need to choose a class. Fighter, mage, thief, or jew." Cathren froze at the word jew.

"uhhh why is there a Jewish class?" she asked leaning over to butters.

"It was an inside joke since the leader of the elves is jewish." Butters said as Cathren slowly nodded still not getting it.

"Well I'm going to be a fighter since they can kick ass and are usually the best class to pick in my opinion." Cathren said and butters ran off into the tent. Cathren's eyes scanned the backyard it wasn't half bad, it seemed pretty good for handmade stuff.

"So douchebag, what do you think of my kingdom so far?" Eric asked making Cathren turn to him then look both ways before pointing to herself.

"yes, you. While you are here you will be known as douchebag." Eric explained as if it was the best thing ever thinking it was going to piss her off…. It didn't just do that, it enraged her.

"No." Cathren stated flatly folding her arms. Eric raised an eyebrow and glared.

"what?"

"I said: Fuck. That." Cathren slowly said leaning in while the present members turned to see the commotion.

"but douchebag fits so peeerrfect. I mean girls use those things for their vajayjays so it's natural to call you-"*SMACK*

That sound echoed through the yard as cartman's wizard hat flew off his head and a red hand mark formed onto his left cheek. Now if he was ten he would have started crying like a baby and called for his mom while plotting revenge. But he was sixteen now and he matured a bit since then... not fully but enough to control his anger a bit better.

"My name is cathren. Got it jack ass!" She growled as the bulky teen just stayed silent and grabbed his wizard hat while muttering a slight whatever.

The rest of the guys watched in shock at how Eric Cartman handled that whole ordeal. Cathren felt slightly guilty for doing that since he was probably joking, one of the problems Cathren has is taking everything seriously. So if someone starts to joke with her she might take it the wrong way entirely and get offended.

Butters came back to see everything silent, confused he went over to Eric.

"this is all I could find from the fighter box, I think the elves could have taken some since more people are joining there side." Butters said showing a long black headband with matching finger less gloves… and that was it.

Eric's eye twitched at that and glared over to the way Cathren assumed the elves base was.

"it's fine, it's fits me anyway. Nothing to flashy and it also matches my outfit." Cathren said taking the items and started tying the headband around her forehead and slipped on the gloves.

"well, all this shit aside. Why don't you go procure yourself a weapon… and don't complain about getting a crappy weapon at the start like clyde did. You'll get better weapons as you level up alright?" Eric said as Clyde just sighed and got the wooden sword out knowing that's the only thing the new kid can buy.

While cathren walked over Kenny came up from behind and tapped Eric's shoulder.

"what kinny?" Eric said in an annoyed tone.

"whats with you today? I thought for sure when she smacked you, you were going to blow up on her! But I think I can say the same for the rest of us is that what you did shocked us." Kenny said as Eric just sighed.

"Professional courtesy, she was nice enough to not call me a fat ass like you assholes, so I didn't blow up on her… but if she smacks me again I'll kill the bitch." Eric said as Kenny just oh'd and saw Cathren getting the sword.

"she does have bite though." Kenny commented as Eric just hummed and notice clyde's hand brushed against Cathrens ass without her notice when she turned to go back up to the three waiting for her.

"ah, so you proclaimed a weapon. Nice. Now it is time to teach you how to fight. You may know how but there are rules. I want you to take your weapon and with the bravery of a noble knight…. Beat up clyde." Eric said flat out pointing at clyde making the warriors eye brows furrow.

"What?" Clyde asked as Cathren turned to him then glanced at Eric.

"don't be shy now cath, kick his ass. Prove to me a girl can fight in this army." Eric said pointing at the brunette as Cathren raised an eyebrow at her new nickname… well at least he didn't call her douchebag.

"what I'd do?" Clyde asked as if he didn't sneak a feel.

"I'm the king Clyde! And the king wishes to be amused! Go on Cath kick his ass." Eric said backing up giving room between the two. Cathren got in a battle position with her sword pointing at clyde.

"nothing personal right?" she said as Butters gave clyde a worried glance as he remembered the punch the elf received from her and looked over at princess kenny who was watching the two get ready to fight.

"actually he just sneak a feel on your ass." Eric stated grinning at the now paling warrior.

"what!?" Cathren snapped glaring at clyde.

"annnnnd…. GO!" Eric said as the two clashed with Cathren showing more strength than Clyde in a heartbeat with her actually denting his helmet in a heavy blow, lucky for him the helmet wasn't on all the way or else that would have hit him as well. Clyde kept on hitting back but only was able to land a few blows since she kept on blocking his attacks.

"God damn it stop!" Clyde snapped frustrated she was having the upper hand.

"Alright one moment please." Narrator said walking out from the bushes with her touch phone. Everyone stopped and watched the unknown person walking up to them.

"Cathren, a few things you should know… first you have some power points to use a special move right now, here give me your phone…" narrator said snatching cathrens phone from her zipped up hoodie pocket.

"HEY!" Cathren snapped while the narrator did some stuff to her phone.

"… here you go, this app'll tell you when you level up, what special moves you got ext. but just so you know once your health bar goes down to zero your considered dead for the battle. Okay? Okay, I think that's everything…. Noooow go back to what you were doing."

"wait a minute please but can we know who you are?" Butters asked as the narrator shook their head.

"don't worry once I snap my fingers this whole conversation never happened~" narrator said stuffing the phone back into cathren's pocket.

"Wha-".

*SNAP*

Cathren picked up a bat and baseball as she watched the confused expression on clyde's face. With a grin she threw the ball up into the air while everyone eyes followed and when it came down Cathren smacked the ball causing it to smack clyde right into the face and hit him with the bat three more times at least until it snapped.

After that Clyde stayed down sniffling at his lost battle. Eric began bursting out laughing not really expecting the new kid to dish out a beat down on cylde.

"that was fucking hilarious! You were all like BAM and clyde was all: no! no!" Eric kept on laughing while clyde picked himself up and dusted his clothes off while glaring at Cathren. "o-ok ok, all that aside. You have proven yourself worthy Cath. Some inside the tent and I shall…. let you see the relic." Eric said walking into the tent. For some reason the way Eric said that made Cathren NOT want to go in there what if he was going to rape her or something in there?

"don't worry. He's not going to rape you, he's going to show you the item humans an elves are fighting for. you know the goal and such?" Kenny said painting his nails a light pink with cheap looking nail polish.

Cathren calmed down and nodded but felt her phone vibrating.

She took it out and noticed that a grey bar with a 1 by it was filling up a light blue was on the screen. Cathren tilted her head but thought nothing of it and put it back into her pocket then walked into the tent, it smelt like kfc chicken and seemed really old and used, like the "throne' in the center.

"here it is the thing that has humans and elves locked in a never ending war…" Eric said motioning to a pedastool, at first cathren didn't get it at all then she saw IT!... a stick, a god damn stick… WTF!?

"the stick of truth, last week we retrieved the stick from the elves our kingdom was dying but now it thrives for whoever controls the stick controls the universe!" Eric said as Cathren just shrugged this is an imagination game so they have to improvise she guessed.

"Don't gaze at it to long! For its power is too great for mere mortals to look at!" Eric said covering his eyes while Cathren just played along and shielded her eyes away from the "Relic".

"now that you've seen the relic let us discuss your first mission… hmm what can a girl do…." Eric started to ponder while Cathren just started to get ticked off at the sexist male in front of her before she could say anything butters barged in.

"Alarm! Alarm!" Butters shouted jumping while failing his arms making the two turned to him. "what is it butters?" Cathren said placing her hands on the smaller boys shoulders trying to calm him down.

"The elves are attacking!" Butters shouted making eric shout an "ohmygod!" and run outside the tent barking orders with butter right behind him. Cathren was about to go when she saw something move out of the corner of her eye. She turned to see a kfc bucket rolling from the throne, she slowly looked up to see… a mouse.

"..." Cathren deadpanned for a moment before she ran out to help her new teammates

"man the gates don't let them through!" Eric continued while Cathren ran out of the tent. "Clyde guard the stick of truth while we defend the fortress.!"

"Aye aye!" Clyde said running to the fort.

"again for the last time clyde we are not playing pirates!" Eric said as Cathren watched the elves pour in kicking everyone's ass.

"dude… we suck." Cathren said to herself as she cracked her knuckles. "ah well, these guys really do need me."

Cathren took her wooden sword and new set of arrows from the side and started kicking ass…. Well she didn't use her bows unless they were blocking her normal attacks since she wasn't a good archer at all… the elves all started to charge at her since she was more of a threat then butters, scott, and mr. kitty.(eric and kenny wern't doing anything to help)

"God damn it leave me alone!" Cathren said as she landed a hard blow to one of the elves nuts making him lurch forward in pain. Cathren blinked at the new discovery and grinned she turned to the other elves who were watching their friend groan in pain.

"Rock paper scissors anyone?" Cathren said holding out a fist while the four elves just shrugged and did the same.

"rock… paper….s-"

"NUTS!" Cathren shouted while the four elves were hit by a foot, the end of a wooden blade, another foot, and a baseball bat. Making them all freeze in pain then fall over in pain one even crying.

"Elves*pant* *pant* retreat!" one of them said as they got up as best they could before fleeing the yard while cartman began taunting them but cathren noticed something was wrong there was a small noise resonating from it. Cathren slowly made her way through the cheering boys who were quieting down when they noticed her heading to the tent.

She went inside and gasped at the scene along with the others who took notice at the state of the place, arrows were everywhere even stuck on clyde everything was thrown around and knocked over and what made matters worse the stick was gone.

"w-what the hell clyde!? What happened?" Cathren asked not really looking at the warrior who was being tended to by Butters.

"only one person could have done all this…." Butters said while scott started cleaning up (on eric's orders.)

"who?" Cathren asked while eric clenched his hands into fists and opened his mouth and screamed at the top of his lungs:

"THE FUCKING ARCHER!"

And there we go, yeah i think Eric started to lose some wieght as he got older sure he's still slightly overweight but he is larger and stronger than most guys.