Hi
journal,
You
won't believe this. Joey and Pacey had sex. I could hardly believe it; I think
my eyes popped out of my head once those words came out of Joey's mouth. I knew
she wasn't going to stay a virgin forever but I guess I always thought we would
be each other's first. I guess that isn't going to happen. It's just so weird
to picture Joey having sex, I don't want it to happen and I don't want her to
be having sex with Pacey, if anyone it should be me. Geez I sounded so selfish
and plus I'm with Gretchen. Now that Joey has had sex with Pacey, should I be
having sex with Gretchen? Why haven't I already had sex with her? Well the
relationship is new and she is at a hard time in her life but I think the main
reason is because in the back of my mind I always thought it would be Joey and
me. The night would be perfect, a nice dinner, walking hand in hand on the
beach under the moonlight then when the moment was perfect it would happen,
that had always been my dream and now it's shattered, my dream is shattered
once more by Pacey Whitter. God if this guy is trying to get back where our
friendship was before he is doing a shitty job, I was just getting over him
taking the girl I was and could possibly still be in love with and then this
had to happen. He had to sleep with her, now I know I have no say in it but
didn't he think about what the precautions would be? What the outcome would be?
How I would react? I was thinking of telling Gretchen how I feel but then that
would put us in awkward stage, me telling her I am pissed off at her baby
brother because he slept with his girlfriend who is also my ex-girlfriend who I
am still in love with... bad idea. I was thinking of telling Jack or Jen but
they would probably tell Joey and that would put me and Joey back where we were
at the beginning of the year, tense to be around each other.
Why
do I even care? She is with Pacey and I am with Gretchen. We have our own lives
now, I should be like whatever or say good for you or congratulations or and I
care why? But instead I am moping in my room, physically attached to my
computer spilling my guts out into you journal. I remember a long time ago I
wrote about a feisty brunette who had stolen my heart and made it hers in here,
I wrote about the relationship, I wrote about how she made me feel when we were
together and now everything I wrote before is gone, it's vanished and I can't
find any speck of evidence that it was ever here.
I
was so happy to see Joey again, with the Mr. Brooks situation, spending a quiet
evening on catching up seemed perfect, but something was different about her,
her whole demeanor was changed and then I posed the unthinkable, could Joey
have had sex? I knew I had to ask her, but my heart prayed for me not to ask
her, it pleaded for me to just drop it but then my head told me I had to know.
I wish I had listened to my heart, it never stirred me wrong before, sure it
got broken a few times but it never stirred me wrong, it always set me on the
right path but god this time I went down the wrong path.
She
had sex.
There
is nothing that can soften the blow, nothing to ease the pain of knowing that I
have lost Joey forever and to him. I can't believe I have lost Joey to Pacey
Whitter, a guy who was more a sidekick then the hero. Even the sidekicks get their
days I guess. After all this time I still can't believe I lost Joey to someone
who doesn't even measure up to the expectations Joey Potter should have. He is
on a totally different path then Joey is; Joey wants to go to college and a
good one, not one of those community colleges, she wants one of those good
colleges like "Harvard" or "Yale" something like that and
Pacey well he can't get into college, no college will accept him and if they
did he would probably fail out or drop it in a week. Pacey is probably going to
be one of those people that grow up working at a gas station or something, no
offense to Pacey but he just doesn't have the stuff to keep up on the road Joey
is heading down. Joey wants to be this artist that travels all around the
world, seeing all the things she never got to see living in a small town like
Capeside. She wants to be the girl that gets out, that everyone talks about,
she can't live in Capeside forever, she was never the townie sort of girl but
see Pacey, he can be content on living in Capeside for the rest of his life, he
was born to be a townie. Me and Joey, our paths are the same, we plan on
leaving Capeside the day we graduate, accepted in a college or not me and Joey
are getting out. Who knows? Maybe Joey and me will leave together. See me and
Joey we have been wanting to get out Capeside since the day we were ten years
old, we always wanted to see the outside world... to do the Mexican hat dance,
to speak French, to be on a plane heading to wherever our hearts led us.
Pacey
doesn't deserve her and he knows that, he knows that he doesn't deserve her and
yet he holds on to her as tight as he can. Because Joey is the one good thing
in his life, she represents what he is never going to be: successful. So he
clamps onto her and holds on tight, never letting go, because without Joey he
is the one thing he will always be: a townie. Joey lets him leech off of her
because she tells herself every night that she truly does love him, that her
heart belongs to him but it doesn't. See the reason she lets Pacey hold on to
her is because he's the one stable thing in her life. He's her security
blanket, he'll never leave her, he'll never beat her, he'll never be more
successful then her.
Sex.
It is probably the worse thing they could ever had done, because now they know
each other in and out and with each passing day they will realize their real
motives for staying together for so long. They won't last past graduation day,
she'll leave and he'll stay. That's the bottom line, he's a townie and she's
not.
Me
and Gretchen... we are going to have the same fate as Joey and Pacey are going
to have. We won't last past graduation day. Gretchen loves being in Capeside,
she loves how all the people know who she is, she loves how they recognize her
and wave happily, she loves the fact that she is well known in Capeside and
safe. Meanwhile I want to be unknown, I want to go somewhere big and large with
lots of people and get in lost in the crowd, I want people to ask who the heck
I am. I want to start over. Gretchen is a townie while I am a person on the
road, a person who won't be able to live in Capeside; I'll go crazy being in
Capeside for the rest of my life, it's just not going to happen.
I
have been accepted in UCLA. Once we graduate, I'll say the bittersweet
good-byes, I'll look Gretchen in the eyes and we'll kiss that one final time
knowing it's over and then I'll be gone.
There
won't be any trace that Dawson Leery was ever in Capeside besides the memories
and the pictures. Same with Joey, she's going to leave, I know it. She is going
to make the road hers, make sure that no one knows her and then she'll come
back to Capeside a few years later and laugh at who she used to be. She'll show
up in fancy designer clothes and she'll get out of her brand new red camaro and
she'll be beautiful. She'll gloat at how she went to Paris, Mexico, France and
she'll show off her pictures and awards and then she'll leave and EVERYONE will
remember her.
And
somewhere between learning who we are and becoming the people we were born to
be we'll meet up again.
~*Because
every Dawson has a Joey and every Joey has a Dawson.*~
-Dawson
Leery
"Do
you think every Joey has a Dawson and every Dawson has a Joey?"