Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

If I Did It, Here's How It Happened

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the Avada Kedavra Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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SUSPECT FILE ONE – TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

Birth Name: Tom Marvolo Riddle

Aliases: Lord Voldemort, He Who Must Not Be Named, The Dark Lord, You-Know-Who

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Allegiance in the War: Death Eaters

Tom Marvolo Riddle's statement is given below:

Contrary to popular belief, I did not kill Harry Potter.

Of course, nobody is going to believe this because (a) my hobbies include murdering people, and (b) I've had it out for Harry ever since my faithful Death Eater heard about that Prophecy about the boy and myself all those years ago.

But this is why I did not kill Harry Potter: I've had a change of heart.

Yes, you may laugh, but it's true. The great evil wizard, Lord Voldemort has decided to turn himself in for crimes against humanity. But why, you may ask.

It's simple.

(a) I had heard that Harry was coming after me and I wanted to seek sanction from the Ministry, and (b) there was a Million Galleon reward price on my head. You get kind of desperate when the only things left to eat are your Horcruxes and your less faithful servants.

Anyway, just plain out killing Harry with the Avada Kedavra wouldn't have been good enough for me. Not after all the years, servants and Horcruxes I've had to put myself through for that insignificant brat.

If I had done it – which I will remind you I didn't – I would have probably just used the Cruciatus Curse until he died of the pain. And if he somehow happened to turn out like the Longbottoms and survive intense hours of pain, I would have used various other spells like the Cutting Spell (which is incidentally good at dealing with those times you want to kill yourself but can't do it so you decided to slice open your pale flesh and watch the red blood ooze out onto the carpet) and the burning spell Incendio (a nice little spell for getting the blood out of the carpet).

So, there you are, how I would have liked to kill the brat if I hadn't given up. Anyway, Mr. Auror, seeing as you've got me here now, I think I should be getting the million galleons you promised the person that caught Voldy.

What do you mean, I'm not eligible?

Avada Kedavra!

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A/N: OK, so its a bit on the short side. But Harry's dead, so I didn't have time to write much. Had to try and figure out who dunnit and everything else.

So Voldy didn't do it, who was it?

If you have any ideas, drop them off to me in a review. Otherwise, use the review system to tell me what you like and/or dislike about the fic and I'll endeavour to make it all better.

Myrtle.