A/N: again… English is not my language, so I do apologize for any grammar mistake you could find in my FF. Reviews are welcome.

This first chapter starts after Mary had her good cry in Mr Carson's arms and before the tenants' luncheon (S4 E01).

Have you got your handkerchief?

Chapter 1 – Just the start of a different life

She came back in her room and found Anna, who was waiting for her. Mary's eyes were red and she still looked shaken.

"I'm sorry Anna. It's very late." Her voice was a little trembling.

"Don't worry about that. Are you all right, milady?" The maid asked gently.

"Yes, yes I think I am."

Anna helped Mary to change for the night and none of them said a word.

"Is it all, milady?" Anna asked after she braided Mary's hair.

"Yes, Anna. Thank you."

"Goodnight, then."

"Goodnight, Anna." Mary answered with a forced smile, gazing at the mirror of her dressing table in front of her.

The maid quickly went out the room and closed the door behind her.

Mary took a deep breath. Then she stood up slowly and turned towards her bed: that always was the most difficult hour of her day. Even now. Even after the good cry she had. She could say she was feeling a little more relaxed, but it was not enough to allow her to sleep.

She took the book from her little round table and sat on her armchair near the window, as usual. How many times she has already read it, she couldn't say, but that wasn't just a book. It was that book Matthew read to her in Scotland. She opened it and started to read. She could still hear her husband's voice in her ears.

But sleep didn't want to come so easily and after a while, she decided to stretch her legs. So she went out in the hallway and then she stepped down the stairs.

The house was silent and no one was around.

When she arrived downstairs, she stopped. She could see a man standing in the dim light of the great hall. He was turned towards the entrance door, his back to her. She took a few steps towards him wondering who he might be, so late at night, holding her breath. The light became a little more intense as she entered the hall and she could see that man better: his height, his posture, his hair… She knew him. He was her love, her husband, the father of her son, he was…

"Matthew!" She cried.

He turned towards her and opened his arms. He was wearing a dinner suit with white tie and looked as handsome as usual, as she saw him the last time. A wide smile appeared on his face while Mary was running to reach him. He held her in his arms and they embraced each other tenderly.

"Oh Matthew… Matthew …" She repeated as she kissed him all over his face.

"Mary…" He started when she stopped a little. "I'm so sorry Mary. I didn't want to leave you."

"I know that."

"Could you ever forgive me?"

"I'm not angry with you. To be honest, at first I was, but now… Now I'm just angry with the destiny that separated us too soon. We waited so long to be together and we spent so little time married."

"But it was a marvellous time, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was indeed." She replayed sadly.

"One day you will understand it just had to happen."

"But why to you…? Why to us?"

"I do not know." He murmured softly.

Then he hugged her again and silent came between them.

"Take me away with you." Mary implored him after a while.

"Oh my darling, I cannot. You have to stay here: our son needs you, your family needs you, my mother needs you, Downton needs you."

She sighed deeply and then she asked again:

"Was it painful?"

"What? Dying?" Matthew asked back with a smile, touched by her concern.

Mary nodded; a serious look was in her dark eyes.

"No my darling, because I was thinking of you. You've been my last thought."

"Once you told me we were cursed. I didn't believe it then, but I do now," she continued after a while. "This is our punishment, my punishment."

"Oh Mary, it's not a punishment, believe me. You are strong, you know, I've already told you once."

Mary sighed. "Carson told me that too."

"I'm not surprised. He's very fond of you and he's right."

"He told me he was fond of you too."

Matthew smiled. "Now I'm surprised."

"Anyway, I'm not a storm-braver anymore." Mary replayed with another sad smile. "I was strong because you were here with me."

"No, you are strong and you will always be, with or without me, I'm sure."

He put his forehead against hers for some moments, and then he held her face in his hands and gave her a kiss on her brow.

"Why did you come back right now?" She asked him after she rested her head against his shoulder and leaned her right hand on his chest.

He put his arms around her waist again. "You have to move on, Mary. Cousin Violet, Tom, Anna, Carson … They're right, but maybe you needed to hear that from your husband's voice. Your life is not over. It's just… It's just the start of a different life." He said kissing her head.

"Funny. I told the same thing about yours a few years ago."

He smiled, "Besides… I don't like seeing you in black all day long. Mourning doesn't suit to you…" He teased her.

She lifted her head to look him in his eyes and Matthew giggled softly. Now she couldn't restrain a smile and this time it wasn't a sad one.

"What?" She asked raising her brows.

"Come on, you know I'm right."

"About black?" She asked again.

"About it all." He pointed seriously this time. "Don't be afraid of living. Live for me too. Live for our George. He deserves to know my true Mary, that Mary his father loves so much."

Matthew kissed her tenderly again.

"I'm not that Mary anymore… Your Mary has gone when you left. Or… As I said to granny, she was just in your imagination."

"No. She's still here. I'm sure. She wasn't just in my imagination."

"How can you be so sure?" She asked with a mix of sarcasm and sadness.

"I know you Lady Mary Crawley. I know you better that anyone else. Am I wrong?"

She shook her head and smiled at him.

"I miss you Matthew, I miss you so much! I miss you every single minute of every single day..." Her voice was almost a whisper and then tears started to stream down her face.

"And what about nights?" he asked trying to amuse her, "Because I miss you more at night," he chuckled.

"Oh Matthew… This is not a proper thing to say."

He smiled but went on: "But you miss me at night, don't you?"

"Of course I do!" She couldn't restrain another smile and then he kissed her again, but tears didn't want to stop.

"Cry, if you need to, Mary. Cry like our George does and then you'll feel better." He took his white handkerchief from his pocket and wiped her eyes gently, but then she took it from his hand and kept on by herself.

"Carson told me that too." She nodded.

"Hmm… Should I be jealous?" He giggled.

"Oh Matthew…" She could only say before he pressed his lips on hers.

"He's got your eyes." Mary said when her tears stopped a little.

"Who? Carson? I'm not so sure…" He teased her again.

"Oh please be serious, I mean you son."

"I know. And I'm sure he will be brave and strong like his mother is."

Then Matthew held her tighter, his right cheek on her left one, and whispered with his sweetest voice:

"One day we will be together again, I promise you. Until that day comes, you will never be alone, I will always be with you, I will always be on your side. I will always watch over you and our son. You don't have to worry, you know, I will be with you every day of your life…"

"… Just in a different way." She finished his line.

"Exactly", whispered Matthew, "Promise me you will try to look ahead and move on, you have to, Mary."

Mary nodded silently and then she kissed him again, her hands among his hair.

"I must go."

"No… Oh please, don't go away, stay here with me tonight, just tonight. Come upstairs, our bedroom is so empty without you; our bed is so cold…"

"My time is over, I must go now." Matthew said in a gentle way and then he gave her the sweetest and most passionate kiss he has ever given to her.

"Will I ever see you again?" She finally asked.

He smiled. "I'll be in your dreams, my darling, until you need me", he murmured, "I love you, Mary, remember this."

Mary felt her eyes full of tears again.

"No... Matthew, please don't go, not yet..." She could only whisper, petrified, while he was walking away to disappear in the dark. Tears started to fall from her eyes once again.

The house was quiet. No noises were breaking the silent except her groans.

Then a thud woke her up and she found herself in her bedroom, still on her armchair.

"Just a dream," she thought, "just a cruel joke of my mind."

But it seemed to be so true. She could still feel his lips on hers, his voice in her hears, his arms around her, his hands on her cheeks.

She stood up, wore her dressing gown and went downstairs. She knew it was silly. She knew Matthew wouldn't have been down in the hall, but she needed to see with her own eyes he wasn't there.

Still, the house was empty, silent and dark, except for a faint light from the library. It was late, too late to find someone in there, too late even for her father. And it was early, too early for the servants too.

Suddenly one thought came to her mind and she began to run towards the door of the room. When she reached it, what she saw stopped her.

The fire was on and there was someone who was sitting near the fireplace, but she could just see a head leaning against the red sofa. Her heart skipped a beat. She knew, he couldn't be him, but...

"Matth..." She just murmured when she arrived near the sofa.

The man stood up and turned towards her.

"Mary… You've made me jump!"

"Tom… What… What are you doing here?" She asked trying to recompose herself as faster as she could.

"I… I couldn't sleep, so I went downstairs, the fire wasn't completely off and… Are you all right?"

"Yes… No… I'm not, but you don't have to worry about me. Would you mind if I sit for a moment?"

Tom shook his head and Mary sat near the fireplace.

After a few moments, Tom, who was still standing, broke the silent:

"I know that whiskey is not a proper drink for a lady, but… You seem upset and maybe it could calm you down."

"I'm not upset." Mary said in a rude way, gazing the fire. "I just… Couldn't sleep too… But maybe you are right, maybe I could try to drink something, maybe it will help me." She added in a gentler way.

Tom took a glass and filled it with the amber liquor.

"Thank you." She answered when he gave her the glass. "You won't tell papa about it, will you? He wouldn't approve."

Tom smiled and shook his head again. Then he sat near her with another glass in his hand.

The room was silent again except for the crackling fire.

"I know how you're felling Mary. It was the same for me."

Mary didn't say anything and sipped her whiskey.

"Have you ever… Ever…", she started, "Oh God, It doesn't matter."

"I miss him too. Very much."

"I know." She replayed.

"May I speak out?"

Mary nodded.

"You have to move on… I mean… Your life is not over even if you think it is." Tom sipped his whiskey.

"How did you…" Mary began again, but Tom wasn't listening to her and he went on:

"Time will pass and you will be able to accept what happened. Grief will never disappear completely, but you don't have to feel guilty, you won't betray him. I tell you this because I felt the same…"

Mary smiled. "Thank you, Tom." She said, then she put her glass on the coffee table and stood up. "I think it's time for me to try to have some sleep now. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

She was walking out when Tom called her back: "Mary."

"Yes?"

"He will always be with you, as Sybil will always be with me."

Mary nodded and smiled.

When she was back in her room, she reached the window and looked outside for a moment, then she instinctively put her hand into a pocket of her dressing gown and found his white handkerchief.

"Oh Matthew…" She whispered and then she finally went to bed. She turned to the empty side on her left and closed her eyes. "…I still need you." She whispered again and for the first time since Duneagle, Mary had a real good night.

A/N: I promise no tears in the next chapter.