Author's Note: This was a fairy tale satire that I wrote for my English class, and at least one of the jokes is specific to my school, but otherwise enjoy!
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, lived a seemingly ordinary 11-year-old boy named Harry Potter. He had neon green eyes with a lightning shaped scar perched precariously above his eyebrow, partially covered by shaggy, pirate-like dreadlocks of black hair. His unkemptness was due to his own lack of self-hygiene caused by his depression over his depressing life at depressing school with his depressing aunt and uncle and cousin. Harry wished he could be emo like all of the other kids at school who wanted to express their lack of individuality by joining a clique of people who are all the same together, but he wasn't allowed to buy eyeliner and his pants were the opposite of tight; they were hand-me-downs from his elephant sized cousin. And even if he tried cutting himself, his cuts healed up overnight, and if he cut himself an emo haircut, the hair grew back over night, and it all just made him more depressed.
One day, Harry was walking home from a depressing day at school with his head hung low, away from the bright light of day and the tides of cheerful people walking nearby, when he looked up and noticed he was in a rather dreary part of town that he had never been in before. He put his head back towards the cold, grey cement hoping it would lead him to a store where they're giving out free eyeliner. Suddenly, he noticed between his dreadlocks a small, cream colored envelope on the ground that said "Open me!" Harry opened it with a depressed sigh and read the letter.
You are lost. There is no way out. You are going to be a part of Fox's latest attempt at a reality TV show called "Muggle to Magic." You will follow these directions and you will not notice the cameras hovering around you and recording your every move. Your task will be to browse the shops here in Horizont Alley until you find the three things that you need to be a magical hero with a deranged past and overdramatic lifestyle at a Wizarding school which is in the middle of nowhere. We have had problems with enrollment and safety lately so we must create arduous tasks so as to prevent another rejected Muggle from sneaking into the school and rooming with an unsuspecting student for 8 months before being found out. Remember, you are lost and you are alone. Have fun.
Harry tossed aside the letter and looked ahead of him. There were a lot of random shops sprawled before him along this alley, and no one in sight. He had to become a magical hero in order to get out, but his depressed self had no desire to make himself have strange powers let alone be well known. It would be enough if maybe he'd get some picture comments on his Myspace pictures or maybe even a message, but no one really liked him.
"That's it! I'll become a hero and fight evil so that people will give me more picture comments!" he exclaimed to himself, and with a newfound zeal he set off down the street.
On his right side he noticed a good place to start. A large sign saying "Free Magical Power Here!" shone from atop a fountain full of a bubbling, milky whitish substance.
"Maybe if I drink from this transparent substance then I can have magical powers!" announced Harry and approached the strange fountain.
"I'm not transparent, I'm translucent!" the fountain shouted at him. "If I were transparent then I would be clear and you could see through me! But you can't, so I'm translucent."
"The fountain talks? What the he—"
"Great googly moogly! Just take a drink and get back to your IMMEX prob- I mean your task!"
Harry took a quick drink, felt absolutely no change, then continued towards what looked like the first major landmark of the alleyway. The building was large and seemed to be made of iron, almost like a prison. The sign, dark and menacing, read "Witherwart's Bestiary of Best Friends" in an untidy scrawl with a tagline below it saying "The greatest best friend that'll always stay in your shadow but still listen to all your problems or your money back!" Cautiously Harry walked in to find rows of cages of different rooms, each with a potential sidekick residing restlessly inside. A withered old man bobbed over to Harry and shook his hand.
"Come in, come in, my son. We have the greatest selection of best friends you'll find in all of London! I assure you our best friends won't run away from you! In fact, we just reined back in a blonde, skimpily dressed heiress, who we only had for 3 days before she got out. A real crybaby when she came back, what a mess, but a well deserved fate for her," Witherwart said, looking overjoyed at the return of the spoiled party animal.
"Let's see… may I interest you in… ah! Draco Malfoy. Strong, conceited, makes for a good ferret so he won't get in your way when you save the world."
"Hm… this best friend would be too evil," Harry replied, moving on past Malfoy's cell.
"Then how about Neville Longbottom? He's traumatized like you wouldn't believe, and his main interest is herbology so you won't need to worry about him at all," Witherwart offered.
"Ah… this best friend would be too troublesome," Harry replied and continued on.
"Alright here we go! Tall, lanky, red hair, a troll at playing Quidditch, Ronald Wealsey should be the man to follow you!" he exclaimed.
"Oh! This best friend would be just right," Harry replied. "Just package him up and send him to wherever I'm supposed to go."
"Right away, sir. Thank you for your patronage and be sure to come back if you ever need a new one!" Witherwart said and went about collecting up Ron's belongings as Harry continued out the door and along the alley.
Soon, Harry approached another shop, starting to feel his emo-ness come back as he saw that it was a romance shop, Romeo's Shop for Star-Crossed Lovers, for picking out his always important romantic interest. But then he remembered the prospect of getting more picture comments from his heroism and charged ahead with renewed vigor.
Harry walked into the door of the shop and instantly heard some catchy R&B music flowing from magical speakers. The entire store was covered in magenta and light pink decorations, mostly hearts and flowers. Femininity filled the air and a soft red glow flowed through the room. All of the couches were red or pink leather, and most had a random girl lounging on it, just waiting to be picked as a significant romantic interest. A man, dancing to the music playing, appeared from the back, slid over to Harry, pulled off a few smooth dance moves, and said, "What's poppin', homie. The name's Chris Brown and I'm fillin' in for my bro Lil' Romeo cause he's out with his homies pickin' up more girls fo' his shop. Whatchu lookin' for, son?"
Harry paused, shocked at this interesting style of speaking and hardly understanding a word from the singer's mouth, then replied, "Uh… show me what you have I guess."
"Aight," said Chris and did a little dance move over to a couch where a girl with bushy brown hair sat reading a text book. "This here's Hermione Granga', real intelligent, loyal, and I hear from Saturday Night Live that she might grow up nicely, if ya know what I mean, a real certified dimepiece."
"Er… I don't know, but I think she would be too smart," Harry replied and beckoned to move on.
"Oh this one's niiice," Chris said and showed Harry over to another section of the shop. "Asian girl, real clever, has a thing for hot young studs like yaself, Cho Chang's her name, you like what you see?"
"Hmm… tough choice, but she would be too pretty," Harry replied and moved on.
"Okay heeere's the one, red hair, good at Quidditch, flirty too. Ginny Weasley, you ain't never gonna say goodbye with this one."
"Hmm alright, gimme that one. Er, I mean, she would be just right," Harry decided and looked interestedly at Ginny.
"Good choice man, good choice. But I must say, you ain't never gonna have a shortie like mine, cause mine keeps me up when I'm feeling down."
And at that, Chris Brown danced and slid back into the back of the shop to complete the transactions, leaving Harry standing there quite puzzled. Harry snuck away from the eyes of the romantic interests within the shop and continued on down the alley.
Finally, Harry approached a dark looking building that resembled a sort of twisted temple or shrine. Eeriness emanated from the walls and made Harry shudder with fear of what this final choice would be. A small sign that appeared to be painted with blood said "Archie's Arch Nemesis Depository" in dripping, shiny text. Telling himself that he could do this over and over again in his mind, Harry pushed the large, heavy black door open a bit and reluctantly slid himself through the crack he created. He had no idea what would lay ahead of him.
Honestly, he didn't. Never would he have expected to find not a dim, candle-lit hall with various instruments of torture, but instead an indoor field of periwinkle and pastel pink daisies with a fake, painted sunny sky on all of the walls. Butterflies and blue birds filled the air, and kittens and white-tailed rabbits frolicked through the flowers. A sort of sickly yet happy music permeated the room as a rainbow arched across the great room and ended with a wave of glitter as the arch fell into the field of flowers. Harry felt the door close behind him with a small squeak, and he just stood there gazing at the magnificent beauty and… cuteness of the entire place, wondering why he would be sent here to chose his eternal rival. After a few minutes of stunned silence from Harry, a quartet of men skipped across the meadow over to Harry's immobile figure.
"Heyyy hun! Aren't you looking marvelous today! I'm Archie… and these are some of the nasty, evil villains that you'll be selecting from to be your arch nemesis! Isn't that just super!" Archie said enthusiastically, tugging the villains closer to Harry with a sort of chain covered in light pink feathers. "Okay… so I know you're thinking like, why keep villains in such a cute place such as this? Well I thought it would be easier to keep their evil habits from coming out if they're in such a happy place, so they can just be all the more evil and vengeful once they find their very own little rival!"
Harry just nodded slowly and stared at Archie, deciding that the man was definitely metrosexual, if not completely homosexual in every way. And if neither, then at least mentally deranged enough to lock up villains in a place like this.
"Alright let's get started! How about this lovely little man, Peter Pettigrew! He's short, fat, and can turn into a rat! Oo hoo hoo I made a rhyme, isn't that clever?"
Harry looked at the balding man and squinted an eye. "Um… I think he would be too wimpy."
"Alrighty then! Thanks Peter! I'll see you in the pedicures room at 4:30! K buh bye love you lots!" Archie replied joyfully, as if happy to not see one of his precious villains go. "Now I want you to meet Severus Snape! Social outcast in school, great at potions and definitely lacks personal hygiene no matter what I do to his oily hair! Ugh!"
"Ah… well I won't know if he's friend or foe, so he would be too ambiguous," Harry replied, seeing that Snape might have some other importance later and hoping that Archie wouldn't notice his rhyme.
"Oh… alright," Archie said, sad that his filthiest villain wouldn't be leaving. "Well you have to love Tom Riddle. He prefers his new name, Lord Voldemort, is quite handsome, and has an undying vengeance against anyone not Pure-Blood!"
"Well… okay, I think that he would be just right," Harry replied, wanting to end the torture of being in such a cute place with his inner emo crying out in pain.
"Yippee! Your selection is just super, and I hope you enjoy saving the world from this villain! Alrighty have fun in life and try not to die, k? Be sure to come back if you get bored of this one!" Archie exclaimed and tugged on the pink chains to bring the rejected villains back into whence they came to face another extended period of time with Archie.
Harry turned around to leave the overly cute place when a booming voice roared into Harry's head.
"HARRY POTTER! YOUR TASK IS COMPLETE! YOU WILL NOW BE TRANSPORTED TO A RANDOM PLACE TO AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS ON YOUR LIFE! WE CONTROL YOU SO DON'T RUN AWAY AND DON'T FIGHT BACK."
Then, Harry felt every part of his body being compressed into a tiny space, and then felt himself expand to normal conditions and found himself in a small little cottage, probably in the middle of nowhere, with chairs and bowls of porridge and beds each three different sizes. Harry felt like he was in a fairy tale, but was still too shocked from his previous ordeal to do anything. He just stood there, wishing he were at home with some eyeliner and an emo haircut.
After a while, the front door to the cottage opened and three bears came into their home, one large, one medium, and one small sized. They stared at Harry for a moment then walked over to him and stared at his blank, almost paralyzed face.
"What are you doing in our house?!" yelled the Papa Bear.
"I honestly don't really know," replied Harry in a monotone voice.
"Well get out before we eat you! Grr!" said the Baby Bear, trying to sound ferocious towards the newcomer.
"How about… you give me picture comments instead?" asked Harry, giving it shot, even though normal bears probably wouldn't have Myspaces.
"Will you comment back?" asked the Mama Bear, considering this option.
"Of course!" Harry replied happily.
In the end, Harry and the three bears became friends on Myspace and commented each others' pictures frequently, even if they had nothing really great to say about the picture. Harry enjoyed his temporary fame and simply waited until the day when he would go to the Wizarding school and become famous and get even more picture comments. So, at least until Harry would be in numerous life threatening events at the school, he lived happily ever after.