Trepidation
"Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath."
Married.
She sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over a glittering engagement ring that she held in her fingers. It was rose gold; beautiful, simple, elegant, heavy, too big, nowhere to hide it.
She swallowed as the ringing in her ears got louder and the butterflies rioted in her stomach and made her feel sick. She fingered a soft caramel ringlet that had escaped from the romantic hairstyle in a bid to calm herself. She was getting married.
If she was totally honest with herself, she had been feeling increasingly disillusioned by her upcoming nuptials for the last few weeks. When he proposed, she had been excited, but with every passing day that excitement had turned to fear, and here she was with cold feet on her wedding day.
She hated that she felt the way she did. She was a good person, or at least she tried to be. When had it all gone so terribly wrong? Perhaps it was how rushed the wedding was, or maybe it was simply the lack of planning. How had she been so stupid?
She could feel her heart beating rapidly in her chest, pounding erratically against her sternum.
It was her wedding day. Why couldn't she be like Ginny was? Cool, calm, and wholly ecstatic to be marrying the love of her life?
"Because-"A horrible voice whispered, "-he isn't the love of your life."
Hermione clutched the ring harder between her shaking hands in an attempt to steady herself, willing herself to love her fiancé. I love Ron. I love Ron. I love Ron.
A perfectionist at heart, Hermione couldn't help but critically examine every part of her relationship with Ron.
Ron was kind. Ron a kind, caring man who loved her more than anyone else in the universe. He was sweet, he was brilliant, and he was Ron. Hers. But he was impulsive, he was reckless, and he didn't quite understand her emotionally. He has the emotional range of a teaspoon.
She loved him, but now on her wedding day she doubted if it was enough.
They were engaged in the summer of 2001, by a clear, trickling stream in Ottery St. Catchpole, close to where The Burrow resided. It was a warm summery day with a slight cool breeze that gently caressed the tall grass.
She was wearing a dress that day, which is not something that she wore often. A pretty white summer dress with lace detailing at the bottom- it was the most beautiful dress that she owned.
He had caressed her cheek before dropping to his knee, a silly grin plastered across his face.
"Hermione, you are the most perfect, most beautiful, most wonderful person that I have ever known. You are smart, interesting, funny- you're just amazing. Bloody brilliant, actually. I love you.
Will you be my wife?"
She had smiled behind her tears, laughing, saying "yes" over and over again. In that moment, she had loved him. As they held each other amongst the swaying grass, where the sunlight danced on their tears, she loved him.
She loved him.
Now she wasn't sure as she sat in the room, alone with her thoughts.
She loved him but she wasn't sure if she truly did. Would their relationship last? Could it last? They were so incompatible...
They had only argued the other day about the silliest thing. She wanted to finish up her project and he wanted to talk about children. She had told him that she would be there soon but not five minutes later he wanted to talk again.
"Ron, please," she had begged as she hunched over her project. "Please just let me finish this. We can talk about it later."
"You're always so busy Hermione, come and sit down and talk with me." He stood over her shoulder, arms crossed.
"No Ron," She turned to him. "I'm doing this now."
"Why do you have to be so bloody difficult? You've barely said 'boo' to me in the last week- why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"
"There is NOTHING wrong, Ronald!" She said, exasperated with her fiancé. "There's nothing wrong."
"Well clearly there is if you won't even talk to me!"
"I said later!"
She continued to twirl the ring in her fingers, absentmindedly. She felt sick to her stomach wearing her beautiful wedding dress. She felt horrible, awful. She didn't want to marry Ron, and she certainly didn't want to be become Mrs. Hermione Weasley.
That wasn't her name.
She was Hermione Granger.
Strong, brave, independent Hermione Granger who was taking the Ministry of Magic by storm. She was brilliant, smart, and bright. Hermione Granger, the brightest witch of her age.
She wasn't someone's wife; she was her own person.
Ron wanted a family immediately and she wasn't ready for that. How could she possibly give her all to a baby when she wanted to have a career? She wanted to wait, but he didn't.
They were fundamentally incompatible.
A knock on the wooden door echoed throughout the room, to which Hermione replied with a shaky "Come in."
His red hair peeped from behind the door before she saw his face. Despite her trepidation in that moment, she felt steadied by his presence.
He faltered when he entered the room, a massive grin spreading across his face. He looked years younger, like a boy seeing an angel for the first time. She was radiant.
She looked up at him and gave him a wry smile despite her sweaty palms and erratic heart. I love Ron. I love Ron. I love Ron.
He sat down beside her on the bed and glanced at the glittering engagement ring that she held in her pale hands.
"Are you okay?"
She looked up at his face, his familiar face, his sunny, warm, handsome face that she loved oh so much. "Are you okay?"
"No." She wanted to say. "No, I'm not okay. I have a million thoughts going through my head and I don't think that I love you enough to marry you. We're emotionally incompatible, you want a baby by next year- this isn't going to work. No, I'm not okay."
But right then and there, with a comforting arm around her shoulders and that mischievous Weasley smile, she didn't know how she couldn't love him.
Silly Ron, with his bright red hair and big feet- the man who was so emotionally out-of-tune that he often resembled kitchen crockery. Ron, the sweet man who held her as she cried, who cared about her so dearly that he wouldn't mind putting off having children until she was ready.
Ron, handsome, caring, passionate Ron with his fiery temper and sweet nature.
Her husband Ron.
How could she ever doubt their relationship? She loved him.
"I'm okay."