Disclaimer: The following is a nonprofit fanfiction of RWBY. RWBY belongs to Monty Oum(RIP) and Rooster Teeth. Any likeness to writings of others is not intentional. To help with improvements: Read and Review!

AN: Jitters is back to tickle that funny bone! …Now zip up your pants because it's not that kind of tickle. Haha! Yup! I'm breaking out the dirty jokes and pop culture references. I've been seeing a lot of crack fics and while some were great, it's buried under a ton of other crack that's hard to finish.

…

Wow that sounds wrong out of context. Anyway, hope you enjoy the fic.

Episode 1

Kids should have shotguns

Summer Rose enjoyed the time she was having talking with her fellow single mother Tifania, while the kids were off on their play date in the park. The two mothers were currently sitting on a bench near a lake shooting the breeze and just getting away from the topic on Grimm slaying and their failed love lives.

"-and that's why I have to move Jaune to Lantern." Tifania sighed, happy to share the latest event with someone. "On the bright side, I was able to sue and get enough cash to move out of the red light district."

"That's great." Summer smiled, truly happy for her. She could finally take her daughter to her friend's home without fear of contracting any diseases or running into the night women.

"I'll say." The busty brunette smiled, feeling like a winner for once. "It's bad enough looking after Jaune alone, but when the hookers and pimps are helping out? That's not something I want to put on his resume if he wants to go to combat school."

"At least he's getting educated by people." The white cloaked mother groaned. "Ruby just watches TV most of the day. Last time I was watching my soaps, she came up to me asking when the evil twin gets his head shot off. I think she's become desensitized to violence."

"I-I'm sure it'll be a phase that'll die out with time." Tifania assured her while trying to laugh it off but failing. "…We're not bad mothers, are we?"

"Not bad mothers, but I'd say failures of ones." A cool and mature female voice said, grabbing the two's attention. Looking to the source, they saw Raven Branwen walking to them with little Yang in a yellow sundress.

While Tifania was on good terms with her, Summer was a whole different story. Team STRQ used to be one close knit tight family, but that all changed when the two girls went after the only blonde in their team. After tons of fighting and people getting hurt in the process, Taiyang made his decision.

It hurt Summer when Tai chose Raven over her, but she was willing to back down after Yang was born. She was still civil, but she slowly drifted away from the two to move on with Qrow going his own way. Then during a mission, she bumped into the blonde and they did some catching up. Turns out, Raven was a dominating wife that was pushing Taiyang into early depression. After a lot of drinking on both parts, Summer woke up next to the blonde man and Ruby was born nine months later.

Of course in the time in between, Raven found out and called the two out on it. She refused to give her husband up, but by court orders Taiyang had to pay Summer for child support. Truthfully, the single mother was over Taiyang by the time Yang was born and was just to busy to visit more often. Sadly, Raven didn't see it that way and kept accusing her of being a homewrecker.

"Why don't you go and play with the others, Yang?" Raven nudged her daughter to the playground.

After her daughter ran to play with the other kids, she sat down next to Tifania with Summer on the other side. After a moment of silence with the two enemies glaring at one another, it was Tifania that decided to speak.

"Um, you two aren't going to fight like before, are you?" The brunette asked, hoping for some peace. "Because the last time I got involved, I woke up naked next to a black guy and an aching crotch. Then Jaune was born."

"Don't worry, Tifania." Raven smiled, patting her friend's shoulder. "We're not going to- wait, what?"

The two enemies stopped their cold glares to stare at their friend, then to her son, then back to her, then back to each other. They wanted to ask, but were afraid their question would lose them one of the only female companions willing to put up with them.

With the kids

"And that's how you suck a bottle cap off." Jaune told Ruby while holding a now uncapped bottle of soda with the cap in his teeth. "Dahlia said it's a nice trick at parties or when you want to avoid a shotgun wedding. Don't know why though."

Ruby clapped as her friend gave her soda back.

"I want a shotgun wedding." Ruby smiled, imagining getting married while shooting shotguns in the air with cake and confetti. "Kids should have shotguns."

"I know." The blonde said, waving a hand in front of him. "Adults must like boring things if they don't want to shoot guns at weddings."

"Hello." Yang greeted them as she got close. "My name's Yang. You guys wanna play hide n seek?"

"Okay." Ruby smiled, not knowing she was talking to her half sister. "I'm Ruby, and this is Jaune."

"Yo." The blonde boy smiled, getting up to dust his pants. "So who's it?"

"I'll go first." The little dark redhead offered, walking over to a pole to count. "I'm only going up to ten, so you guys better hide now."

Not wanting to be found first, the two blondes ran off to find a place to hide.

With Yang

A few minutes later

The little blonde girl was looking everywhere for a nice spot to hide. Ruby was really close to finding her, but she was able to avoid being seen. While going off to the bathroom to wash her hands, she ran into an older kid with red hair and horns on his head. She couldn't tell what his eyes were like because he was wearing dark shades, but he had a scowl on his face and was looking mad. She tried to avoid eye contact, but he saw her and called her out.

"You seen a girl with long black hair?" He asked angrily, stomping towards her. "Has amber eyes, wears a bow. Anyone like that?"

"Nope." Yang squeaked, not wanting to be anywhere near the angry boy.

"If you do see her, tell her Adam was looking for her." He said, pointing a thumb at his chest before walking off.

Shaking off the feeling of fear, Yang ran off to find a new hiding spot. Just as she was about to go behind a tree, she saw a bush rustle. Curious, she went over and heard someone whispering. As she got closer she saw a girl with black hair and a bow with binoculars in hand talking to Jaune while trying to push him out.

"Well I was here first so it makes it my bush!" The girl whispered angrily, hand over Jaune's mouth as she continued to push. She only let go when he blew on her hand to make a farting noise. "That's disgusting!"

"It's your hand that pooted on my face." The blonde said, moving closer in to hide his body.

"Why am I even talking to you." The girl growled, turning back to look into her binoculars only to get a view of pumpkin bloomers. "Huh?"

Yang was squatting in front of her and was watching the two talk. It was funny watching her fellow blonde make the girl angry.

"Can you get out of the way?" The girl asked, motioning for Yang to move aside. "You're in the way of me assessing the population of the park's masses."

"I don't know why you want to check out popular asses, but okay." Jaune shrugged, pulling the back of his pants down to show his cheeks.

"I said population of the park's masses, not asses!" The girl shouted, trying not to laugh at the sight.

Yang on the other hand was laughing at seeing someone's butt. She was still five, so childish things were still funny to her.

"There you are!" Adam showed up, opening the bush to see Jaune's butt. "Ah… .Blake? Why is there a kid showing his butt?"

"H-hey Adam." Blake coughed into her hand, getting out of the bush.

"Ah-ha I found you!" Ruby shouted in joy, finding her friends. It immediately turned into laughter seeing Jaune's butt still being shown.

"I'm surrounded by idiots." The bull faunus groaned, walking away from them. "Blake. Be ready to go soon. …And tell that kid to pull her pants up!"

"Her?" Jaune looked to Yang, who wasn't wasn't wearing pants.

"He meant you, dumbass!" Blake told the blonde who was getting out of the bush. "Pull your damn pants up."

"So your name's Blake?" Jaune smiled, covering his butt and getting out of the bush. "I thought you were a girl with the bow and the long hair."

"I AM A GIRL!" She shouted in anger. She's always tried to act calm and cool like Adam and the other older kids, but this kid kept pissing her off.

"Oh that's good." He sighed, walking to stand with his friends. "I thought you were a tranny like my neighbor across the hall."

"…I hate you so much." She seethed, walking away with heavy stomps.

Now it was back to the three of them once more, Yang was now the seeker with Jaune and Ruby hiding from her.

Home Night Life

Noon - Raven's home

"So how was your day sweety?" Taiyang asked his daughter as Raven prepared the table. "Did you make any new friends?"

"Yeah." She smiled, washing her hands. "I met this nice girl named Ruby, and a funny boy named Jaune."

"…oh, so Summer and Tif's kids, huh?" He nodded, happy his daughter made good friends. "So you guys played a lot?"

"Yeah." She laughed, remembering the day. "It got really funny after I ran into this scary kid."

"A scary kid?" He asked, entertaining her to go on. "What was he like?"

"He was angry." She said in a dramatic tone. "And really horny too."

A plate broke in the dining room as Raven dropped it overhearing her daughter's description. While Yang was talking about Adam's horns, her parents were thinking of something else.

"R-really?" The father said with a strained smile.

"Yeah. He was looking for this girl and asked me if I seen her." Se continued, not seeing the mood of her dad. "When I said no, he looked even more mad. But then I did find her. And I found Jaune too."

"So where was Jaune?" He really needed to change topics from the horny kid.

"He was in the girl's bush." The little blonde girl said innocently. "She was trying to push him out, but he wouldn't leave so she got mad and ignored him."

"Oh my gawd." Taiyang groaned, not liking how his daughter was telling things.

"She was trying to look at… pop… popu…" Yang was having difficulty remembering what Blake was observing. "Now I remember! She was looking for popular asses! Then Jaune showed his butt, and it was funny."

"I'm afraid to ask, but what happened next?" Raven asked, walking towards them with a splitting headache growing.

"Then the horny guy found us!" She said like it was amazing. "But then he saw Jaune's butt and walked away."

"What was the name of the girl?" Her mother asked, hoping to get a reference.

"Her name's … her name is…" Yang couldn't remember it so well. She did remember that it was like a boys name though. Then she finally got it. "Her name's Adam. Yeah. She was mad because Jaune thought she was a guy because of her name."

Needless to say, the Branwen- Xiao Long house was a mix of emotions and reactions that night.

Ruby's home

"Thanks for letting us eat here Summer." Tifania said gratefully, frying a fish fillet while Summer prepared the salad. "You would not believe what goes on in my neighbor's side."

"I like eating next door." Jaune piped in, sitting at the table. "Miss Luna's tuna tastes really good."

"U-um…" Summer stuttered, looking to his mother.

"He really means tuna." The brunette groaned. "Jaune's been going over to eat at one of our neighbor's from time to time."

"Well that's nice of her." Ruby's mom smiled, happy to know there was still some neighborly love.

"It's also fun when she let's me eat it off her with the other ladies." Jaune smiled, not knowing how inappropriate it was for his age.

"R-really." Scratch that last. It was too much love from the looks of it. "How… nice."

"I've told him many times not to go there, but he slips by me every time." His mother sobbed while taking a finished dish out. "Is my cooking that bad you have to eat somewhere else?!"

"No, it's just that their food tastes a lot better." The little blonde boy said innocently.

"Just… Just go watch TV with Ruby or something." Tifania groaned, not able to get mad at his crude honesty.

Doing as he was told, Jaune left the two mothers alone to watch Supernatural with Ruby. After he left, there was an awkward silence between the two moms with the only sounds being the oil frying and the TV in the other room.

"The worst part is that he thinks Luna and her friends are sailors because they're always around 'sea men.'" The brunette said hollowly, breaking the silence.

"D-did you know Qrow's coming over?" Summer asked to change topics.

"Really?" Tifania asked, thankful for something else to talk about. "Anything special going on that I should know about?"

"Please." The white cloaked mom scoffed. "With Raven still demonizing me; me dating Qrow would be like serving my head to her on a silver platter."

As the too continued to talk, they heard the front door opening and a boisterous scratchy laugh that came with it.

"Yup." The brunette nodded, knowing those horrible manners anywhere. "That's him alright."

In the living room with the kids

"Hi Qrow." Ruby waved to her mom's friend.

"Hey pipsqueak." The half drunk hunter greeted, walking to sit with them with six bottles of booze in hand. Spotting Jaune looking at him, he pointed to him while still looking at Ruby. "Who's the blonde girl? I'm still sober enough to know it's not Yang."

"This is Jaune." The little girl introduced her friend while pulling him into a hug. "He's Aunt T's son."

"Woah, you're a boy?" The older man said in mild shock. "Wait, Jaune? So you're Tif's kid. Nice to finally meet ya."

"Toast." The drunkard continued, taking a bottle and failing to pull the cap off. "Hey Rubes. Think you can get the bottle opener?"

Instead of getting the item, Ruby just gave it Jaune and watched as he put the bottle in his mouth and sucked the cap off then spat it into his hand. Ruby clapped again at seeing the trick while Qrow looked with amazement at the trick.

"Hey." The man said impressed. "Where'd you learn that? Think you could teach how to do it?"

He didn't care how wrong it looked. The kid just showed him it was possible to open beer bottles when bottle openers weren't around. Sure there was the whole martial arts trick with the hand, but what he saw looked more time saving in his opinion. Plus if he ever got into a bar fight, he could still open one up and super spit the cap like a drunken badass.

While the drunkard was talking with his friends' kids, the two mothers peaked out to see him getting along with them nicely.

"I think you and Jaune should spend the night here." Summer told her fellow single mom. "After the things I've heard, I cant sleep sound knowing what you two are living around."

"Summer, you are an angel." Tifania smiled, hugging her friend.

"Ow!" Qrow seethed, rubbing his jaw in pain. "Sonuvabitch!"

"You don't use your teeth." Jaune instructed, opening another bottle which Qrow guzzled down quickly. "It's going to hurt if you do. It's all in the lips and the sucking."

"…I really need to get him out of that neighborhood." Tifania whispered, burying her head into Summer's shoulder.

"There's an open house two blocks over if you're interested." Summer whispered, rubbing her friends head soothingly.

It was a nice night in the Rose house as Qrow continued to try and open a bottle with his mouth but failed each time.

End

AN: Yup. Dirty jokes galore! You guys find the references and all the dirty jokes? Don't worry, if you know me all the other characters will be showing up soon. Oh yeah, I still need to put the omake.

Omake

Blake and Adam's hideout

"So Blake." Adam coughed into his hands with a blush after the caretaker left them. "That blonde girl in the park. You get her name?"

"Blonde girl?" Blake replayed her memory to remember her name. "Yeah, her name's Yang."

Thanking her, Adam ushered her up the stairs as he stayed down to ponder his thoughts. He wasn't someone to fall for a human so easily, but the way she was nice to Blake made him think of her in a special way.

"Yang, huh?" Adam said, remembering the way she looked.

He was three years older than Blake, and she looked about the same age; Maybe even months more. Her blonde hair was so pretty. And her eyes. Adam sighed as he compared them to jewels and flowers. But there was one thing that Adam would always remember about her.

"That ass." He smiled, feeling funny remembering Yang's butt when she was in the bushes with Blake.

He may be nine, but he's mature for his age. He doesn't believe in cooties or all that talk of icky girls like other boys do.

END?

AN: Yeah. I cant remember where I saw Jaune as a kid in girl clothes, but when I did I was like 'Damn!' He really looked so much like a girl I felt this had to happen. Does this mean there will be girly Ren too? Hehe. You'll see. I think if you google it, then the pictures will show up because there was a flower girl and a kimono one.