A change in night's rhythm

Scenario: Written, because as much as I loved John, I also felt sorry for Tim (loved second-best), and because I know someone so like him, it's uncanny. What was the changing point in Savannah and Tim's relationship? What happened to make them move from friends to something more? This is also based more on the book than the movie with artistic liberty taken of course! :)

o0o

She feels numb, thoughts of John fragmented and distant in her mind. She feels that there must be another way instead of this endless waiting and mourning. She smooths the bed sheets over Alan, finally managing to settle him and pads around the house trying to find Tim. Her heart goes out to both of them, especially Tim who now carries the weight of the world on his shoulders... and yet she admires him greatly. How much tragedy could possibly happen in one small town?

But Tim is nowhere to be seen.

She calls his name, and more than half an hour later, a little frightened, she goes outside, the velvet night touching her cheek and spinning her senses. She finds him in the barn, the soft wicker of horses in the background. She sees his silhouette against the walls, his arms pressed against the hard wood. When he looks up, she can see that he's been crying. He sighs and brings a hand up to rub his eyes and then holds his hand out to her, smiling tremulously.

"I'm sorry," he apologises. "You probably wondered where I was... It's just so hard and I can't -" he bites his lip, "I can't break down in front of Alan..." She can see he's on the verge of tears again and wordlessly goes straight to him, wrapping her arms around him.

"Oh Tim..."

"I sometimes wonder what God intended... When Mum and Dad were still alive I thought I could bear everything – now everything is just wrong."

"Well I'm here... and I'm not about to leave."

He touches her cheek. "… and yet I know we're promised that we won't have to carry any more than we can bear - and that promise keeps me going. I know you still struggle too... what with John -"

She pushes away from him, exasperated. "Just – stop - You always try to be everything for everyone else. You're always going the extra mile, going out of your way. You drive yourself near insane, all the worry you do for Alan – Think about yourself for a change!"

He laughs softly and kisses her forehead. "Dear, sweet Savannah..."

She hugs him around the waist and is struck vaguely by a sense of nostalgia. Standing in a pile of autumn leaves. Tim's jacket had been red and scratchy against her cheek... "Everything will work out… it always does, you'll see…"

"You should live out your life too, Tim." Her voice comes out somewhat muffled from the confines of his arms. "Find some amazing girl and make a family or something." She almost jokes, laughs to lighten the mood, but for some reason, he stiffens slightly, against her.

"That could never happen."

"Why not?"

She looks up at him, noticing for the first time, the colour of his eyes, and she blinks, blinded by their intensity. Her throat is dry and she feels slightly awkward but she doesn't know why. Why won't he say anything...?

He looks down at her, his eyes stormy, and she is again struck by that strange sense of newness, of emotion and unspoken feelings simmering under the surface.

"Savannah – I'm sorry about John – I really am and I know how hard it is for you... But I can't help but feel jealous of him at times."

She pulls away from his embrace, troubled at his abrupt change of subject, her heart crashing down somewhere into her stomach. She somehow knew this was bound to come up sooner or later. She'd always suspected Tim felt more for her than he let on. And for some strange, unsettling reason that she can't fathom, the idea makes her frightened and thrilled all at once.

Her hands feel shaky. She wipes her palms on her jeans.

"Jealous…?" She asks, barely able to keep the tremble from her voice.

"Don't you know?" he whispers, his eyes sober now.

He tilts her chin, his eyes soft, "I - I've loved you for as long as I can remember Savannah - and all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy."

His hands drop to his sides and he turns away, but it's as if she's seeing him for the first time. She can't let him go - not like this.

"Tim – don't..."

She reaches for his hand and stops him, turning him around. She stands there, not quite touching him and yet incredibly aware of his warmth, his body-heat, his sweet breath on her face, the subtle change in night's rhythm...

And the next thing she knows is that they're kissing. And galaxies and constellations spill out as all her accumulated pain, grief and desire come rushing to the forefront. She knows it's unfair on Tim, and probably only a result of her pent-up desire for John, but in that moment, she doesn't care.

It's messy and awkward and somehow glorious all at once. She's crying and she knows he is too. His hands are on her lower back, her hands in his hair. He tastes like rain and fresh hay. And in that moment, all she can see is him.

And then he stops... and there is stillness, like a bird gliding over still water after a storm. She feels her heart beat, fast and furious underneath his fingertips.

"Savvanah... we can't do this," he breathes gently against her lips. Her breathing is erratic, her hair dishevelled. She can see the obvious desire in his eyes, but knows him too well.

"It's not fair... it's not fair to John... to me, or you." His eyes flicker for a brief moment, "… and I don't think it's what God would want either..."

Feeling like a child that has been scolded, she turns, about to get out of there as fast as possible but he catches her, fights her hands, kisses her forehead, her closed eye-lids... her lips again, soft this time, slow, meltingly sweet, the warmth making her go weak at the knees. She realises two things in that moment; that Tim loves her, really loves her, possibly even more than she'd imagined and that he loves her more than she'll ever love him.

They break apart and stare at each other for a while. "And now you know why it would be unfair…" he whispers. Gently, he touches her cheek, smoothing down her rumpled clothing and she almost weeps at his tenderness. He draws her into the circle of his arms.

"I know this is hard dearest," he whispers, "but John will be back... and the desire you feel now will soon pass." She hates him for reading her so well, for understanding, for being so unselfish.

And he goes to leave, saying he needs to check on Alan, but he pauses at the doorway, his face silhouetted in light, pain in his eyes. "I'll pray for you... and for us..." he says hoarsely and then he disappears into the darkness.

And her mind is in a whirl.

She just had a make-out session with Tim – Tim! And the terrible thing was that it had felt good – even right, somehow.

Damn damn damn damn! She runs her hands through her hair, watching the starry patch of night that steals into the barn through an open window.

He truly believed that she didn't love him – that she still loved John…

It just confused her even more.

She wanted what was real, what was tangible… What was right in front of her, not just the hope of a future, piecing together non-existent dreams…

Why couldn't she love Tim? After all, everyone loved him. He was the most unselfish person she knew... He deserved to be loved.

For his goodness, his kindness, his sweetness...

For being real,

For being present.

For being with her.

The moon starts to softly filter in, leaving a shining path on the floor in its wake. She turns away from the silvery light and shivers.

Grow up Savannah. It's time to face reality. Tim is here, John is not.

And that - she muses, is perhaps exactly what she needs. She looks after the direction Tim has gone and sighs, turning her back on the moon and walking up to the house, the windows glowing with pale light against a dark night sky.