No More Doubts
Summary: Rukia's thoughts after the incident with Aizen. Set in, and after, episode 62 of the anime.
She's always wondered if her adoptive brother really cares for her.
True, Byakuya had taken her into the family. True, he'd had her educated on everything that she needed to know, both as a shinigami and a noble. He'd had her placed in Thirteenth Squad, with his own former mentor. He'd taken care of her, and she suspected that his interest in Renji as a lieutenant had something to do with her as well. Even though Renji had plenty of qualities to earn the position, she suspected Byakuya had accepted him because they were friends. But still...
In the time she's lived with him, he hardly every looks at her. When they walk together, it's not as equals. Instead, she follows behind, as if she were his subordinate instead of his sibling. They rarely talk, and when they do his tone is always so controlled it's impossible to read. Almost lifeless. She's never, in all their conversations, been sure of anything other than his disapproval. And while everyone talks of how she is the image of his beloved wife, she frequently feels that is a point against her. That, whatever his reasons for claiming her, he dislikes having the constant reminder of her presence around.
His behavior in the matter of her transgressions in the Living World does not surprise her. In fact, it is almost soothing. However terrible the circumstances, however dire the situation, Byakuya is constant. She need not fear upsetting her brother. He, at least, will act as he has always done, law-abiding and honorable.
She faces Aizen with far less composure than she faced Sougokyou. The execution, she understood. It was a justified, if harsh, punishment for a legitimate offense. But death at the hands of a madman, of a monster, for no other reason than power...that she can't accept. She can't even comprehend it.
She sees death coming for her, in the form of Gin's sword. She wants to fight, but she can't, and Ichigo and Renji are in no shape to help her. All she can do is watch as the blade shoots toward her.
Then someone grabs her, wrenches her from Aizen's grasp, moving so fast that she can barely see more than a black and white blur. Strong, slender hands grasp her, tuck her safely into a solid, warm shoulder. The touch is unfamiliar, but not the reiatsu. She feels the jolt of impact, though nothing seems to touch her. Then she smells the iron-sweet sharpness of blood as the world falls back into focus, and she sees her rescuer properly.
It's him. Byakuya, standing between her and Aizen. It's his hand, pulling her close, wrapping her in a protective embrace. And his face is no longer a stone mask of quiet neutrality. Instead, the expression there is one of unguarded, fierce protectiveness. It is determined, and says more about his concern for her than words could ever convey.
She's so shocked, her mind doesn't register what he holds with his other hand. Then she sees. Ichimaru Gin's sword, clasped in Byakuya's left hand. Even as she realizes, the blade retracts and she watches in horror as four inches of bloodstained steel rips from her brother's chest. Blood splatters across stone and Byakuya, the strongest, proudest man she's ever known, staggers and falls to his knees.
She barely catches him in time. She can barely hold him. She can hear his agony in his breathing, and he's hardly conscious, if at all. Even so, his arm is still wrapped protectively around her shoulders, silent testament to the fact that he refuses to let her go.
Two hours later she watches as three senior members of Fourth Squad work on healing him. The scene looks surreal. Surely he cannot be badly hurt, no matter that his bloodstained clothing and pallor gives lie to that feeling.
She's never watched him sleep. To see him lying upon the ground, a rough pillow under his head and a blanket draping his lower body, is unreal to her. The black hair, usually so neatly brushed back, is now loose and disordered, not like him at all. The healers, with no time to lose, have simply ripped his clothing apart and stripped him to the waist. The sight of the bloody shredded rags surrounding his naked shoulders and chest collides badly with the impeccable image he's always presented.
She wants to go to him, and knows that she can't.
He tosses restlessly, murmuring, but it's not until Unohana calls her over that she realizes it isn't simply pain ramblings. He is actually conscious, despite the excruciating pain he must be suffering.
He is calling for her.
She kneels beside him. It's almost painful, the way he calls for her, the way he murmurs her name, seeking her. Then he looks at her, and it's suddenly hard for her to breathe. His expression is still unguarded, the emotions still visible on his face. Pain, regret, love...so much naked emotion he seems to be a different person entirely.
She knows, from that expression alone, that it is no simple story he wants to tell her. So she listens as he speaks. Of her sister. Of his decisions, his past, his secrets. His mistakes.
His emotions.
She listens as her brother bares his soul to her, lays his heart naked and vulnerable at her feet. His love, his pain and his shame are all there to see. As is his guilt for not protecting her, an anguish beyond anything she would have imagined only a few days ago.
She knows she could be, and probably should be, furious with him. Furious that he didn't tell her about her sister. Furious at his lies. Furious at his neglect and dismissal of her. And far more than furious that he would even hesitate at a choice between saving her and upholding the law. She knows, intellectually, that she has a dozen reasons to be angry, to hate him. And yet...
She has always known how deeply Byakuya values his honor. She is also aware of the significance of an oath to the dead. She has, after all, made a few of them. To uphold her friend's memory, and Kaien's honor. She can only imagine the anguish that he must have experienced, caught between conflicting oaths to two people who must have been equally important to him in life. Such a terrible position to be in.
She is also aware that he is breaking those oaths. Not to save her, but simply because he cares for her, because he has chosen to do so for her sake, and his own. She also knows that Unohana is certainly close enough to hear his confession, and Ichigo and his companions are nearby. Byakuya is, and always has been, a deeply private individual. To give so much of himself is a gift indeed. To do so publicly, to leave himself so open for potential judgment, for humiliation...it says more than the words themselves about his sincerity.
She listens to him murmur words of gratitude to Ichigo. Ichigo, she knows, will never call Byakuya on the debt he professes to owe the boy. The young man simply isn't that kind of person. He does as he feels he must, and demands nothing in return. And while she knows Byakuya will never absolve himself of that debt, never forgive himself for it, she's glad that Ichigo will never use it against him either.
Then her brother turns to her, holds out one shaking hand and whispers. "I'm sorry." Two barely audible words, but there's an ocean of feeling in them.
He does not ask her for forgiveness. He understands as well as she does, all the reasons she has to be angry at him. But how could she refuse him that? How could she not take that wounded, battered hand in her own? The hand that saved her, rough with the raw scars of newly healed wounds.
She forgave him, even thanked him, there at her execution. But she understood nothing then. Now she knows that his averted gaze hid pain, not disapproval. Now she knows the depth of the emotions hidden behind the cool mask, and all the reasons he's hidden them. Knowing that, understanding how much he has suffered in silence, how could she turn her back on him? Her reaction comes without thought. She gently cradles his hand in hers, draws it to her, telling him without words that she understands, that he is forgiven. That she cares for him.
An hour later, she sits at his bedside in Fourth Division Barracks and watches him sleep. He looks so vulnerable. Bandages wrapped around him from waist to throat, both hands bandaged. She doesn't need Unohana's explanation to know that he's going to be in recovery for a while. But then, she's been ordered to remain a few days herself. For now, she's content to sit and watch him breathe, and to think.
She thinks she understands the situation between them better now. This is difficult for him. She knew he grieved for his wife, her sister, but she had never imagined how devastating her death was for him. And she is aware of the cruel irony, that she should so resemble her late sister. Even more so, that Hisana died searching futilely for her, and he found her barely a year later.
How could he have looked at her properly, when still suffering the pain of such a loss?
She also understands that Byakuya isn't...open with his feelings. Not like Ichigo and Renji, who say whatever they feel, and are constantly trying to demonstrate their resolve. It isn't something expressed through gestures and gifts and open expression. Byakuya's emotions are expressed through a thousand subtleties and small, unguarded moments. Silence and vulnerability. Quiet glances, and those rare moments like today, when he throws himself into harm's way for those he values.
She wonders what their relationship will be like when Byakuya wakes. How it will change, now that the wall of awkward silence and lies has been broken. Now that both of them know the truth.
He is not a demonstrative man. Likely, once they've both recovered, he'll return to being cool and collected. But now, he's proven that he can express his feelings, that he's willing to let her see who he really is. And now, she understands him better. Now she knows how to read his eyes, the subtleties in posture and movement that will tell her the truth.
Not that it will be easy. There is still a great deal they need to work through. Still, she isn't sure it matters. Whatever happens between them, they will both remember today. And though she worries about his injuries, grieves for the pain and shame he has suffered, she's almost glad that this whole thing has happened. After all...
She no longer doubts that Byakuya cares for her.
Author's Note: I rediscovered this story on my old computer and just thought...'why not?'