Logical Reassurances

Summary: Spock is still unsettled after the encounter with the Platonians. Kirk offers reassurance.

Kirk stopped outside the door to the observation lounge on the officer's deck. He was tired, and there was a lingering ache in his back and his head. McCoy had assured him it would be gone by morning. But despite his general weariness, he wasn't ready to sleep. The events of the mission were still too fresh in his mind.

The abuse he'd taken had been bad enough, but what chilled his heart and kept pushing it's way to the front of his mind was Spock. Spock, forced to laugh, forced to cry. Spock, sitting in their quarters, his turmoil so evident that even Alexander had been moved to try and comfort him. Spock's quiet statement. 'They almost made harm you. That is why they have stirred in me such hatred...you must release your emotions, I must master mine...'

He had no doubts about the Vulcan's discipline. Nor that Spock had gotten himself under control. But the look in his friend's eyes...such an assault would have been painful for a human. Knowing what he did, for Spock to have endured it seemed to him the worst possible torture that could have been inflicted on his First Officer.

Kirk shook himself mentally. That was Spock's business, unless he chose to make it his, or McCoy's. In the meantime, he needed to relax, then get some sleep. He'd take half an hour or so to unwind, looking at the stars as they streaked past, then head for bed. He tapped the button to open the lounge and took one step forward, then stopped.

Spock stood at the windows of the lounge, hands folded behind his back. He didn't turn, but a quiet "Captain." echoed over his shoulder. Kirk stepped inside.

"Mr. Spock." Kirk hesitated a moment, then moved forward to stand beside the other man. Spock's face was a calm mask, but he could sense the tension in the First Officer. Something was on the Vulcan's mind. But given his expression, he'd best wait for Spock to make the first move.

After a moment, Spock spoke, his voice quiet and even. "Captain, you should be resting. This has been a most strenuous day for all of us, particularly for you." The words were simple, matter-of-fact.

Kirk shrugged and indicated the corridor he'd entered from. "I just finished settling Alexander into our guest quarters. I thought I'd come up here, relax a few minutes. Clear my head, more or less."

"I see." There was nothing else to accompany the words. Spock didn't turn toward him. Didn't move at all. There was no change in his tone of voice either. Kirk waited. Finally, Spock spoke again, and there was just the faintest edge of tension to the tone. "Is there something on your mind which you might wish to discuss, Captain?"

From the tone, and the slight tension in the blue-clad shoulders, there was certainly something on Spock's mind. Kirk considered a moment, then shrugged lightly, with forced nonchalance. "Nothing in particluar. Just...thinking over the events on the planet's surface. Coming to terms with things, I suppose."

Spock's stance shifted ever so slightly. "Does something about the events on the planet's surfaces still disquiet you, Captain?"

"Of course." Kirk turned his gaze to the window. "Being at the mercy of someone else is never pleasant. And I can't say I'll ever get used to seeing my people hurt, much less enjoy it. In fact, I dislike it very much."

"Indeed." Silence fell between them. Then Spock spoke again, his words coming soft and slow. "I am...aware of your distaste for seeing injury done to your crew. However...Captain, you were injured and humiliated by Parmen, and targeted for more than any other exposed to the Platonians. And yet, your words would seem to indicate that you feel a greater outrage towards the Platonians for what happened to the rest of the crew, in spite of being Parmen's primary target."

Kirk recognized an opening when he heard one. More than that, there was something there, behind those quiet words. Kirk took a moment to think, choosing his words carefully. "Well, it does happen. Starship Captains are frequently targets in a bad situation. It comes with the job, I suppose. I've learned to expect a few rough situations here and there. But the rest of it...four of my crewmen were endangered. Chapel and Uhura were forced into unwanted physical intimacy. You and Bones were threatened, blackmailed, and tortured. I don't take that kind of thing lightly."

One eyebrow twitched, and something subtle changed in that still expression. "I do not recall that Dr. McCoy suffered any significant damage. In fact, I believe Parmen was most careful to leave him unharmed."

Kirk shifted his own weight, to ease a mild ache in his back. "For Bones, seeing others suffer is worse." Spock acknowledged that with a slight tilt of his head. "Besides, I wasn't talking about McCoy. I was talking about you."

Spock stiffened, his expression going from still to impassive as stone. "I was not substantially harmed, Captain. Certainly, I sustained less physical damage than you yourself did."

"That may be so. However..." Kirk paused. There were things between them that he and Spock never talked about. Experiences they shared that they also left in silence. Still, Spock was waiting for him to finish, and he knew nothing was going to be resolved if they kept dancing around the issue. "You once told me that the involuntary loss of control over one's mental and physical condition was one of the worst experiences a Vulcan could endure."

Something flickered in the dark eyes. "That is correct."

"Then you were tortured, regardless of the lack of physical impact." Kirk turned away from that gaze, remembering the forced impassiveness that had masked such overwhelming turmoil in the hours after their ordeal.

"You are disturbed by Parmen's forced suppression of my abilities." Spock's voice was low, almost questioning.

"Yes, I am." Kirk waited.

Silence hung between them, and Kirk left it. Spock needed to be the one to speak, to decide what direction to take the conversation. Finally, the other man relaxed slightly. "Jim...may I make a request of you?"

"Of course. You can ask anything for you need Spock." Kirk turned to face his friend.

"Indeed." Spock's expression hadn't changed much, but he looked oddly vulnerable, distressed. "I have the utmost faith in Dr. McCoy's abilities, however, I would like permission to verify your physical condition."

Kirk nodded. "Go ahead."

Spock gazed at him for several moments, then lifted one lean hand to brush the fingers lightly across Kirk's temple. His fingers traced a line across his face, the line his boot had followed when he'd clipped Kirk with his foot, while under Parmen's control.

Kirk remained still as Spock's hand brushed over the healed injury, then shifted to exert light pressure on his jaw. He understood. Spock was checking the injuries he had been forced to inflict upon him, when Parmen had forced him to dance. He had a sudden urge to grab Spock's hand, to stop him, but he refrained. Whatever Spock was thinking, he needed this, or he wouldn't have asked.

Spock's hand traced the healed jaw, then ran light fingertips over Kirk's shoulders. Kirk held himself still, forcing himself not to flinch. He didn't want Spock to know how much his back still ached. The ache had nothing to do with Spock's unwilling assault on him, but he didn't want his friend to see his discomfort.

Spock turned his attention to Kirk's left hand, and Kirk winced before he could stop himself. McCoy had healed most of the damage, but it had been a severe bruise, and the doctor had warned him it would ache for a while.

Something dark flickered in Spock's eyes. He lifted Kirk's hand carefully, inspecting it. Spock's hand was cooler than his own, and it seemed to ease some of the ache.

Years of practice had enabled him to read the subtleties of Spock's expressions. At least, he could read them well enough to see the veiled distress and anger in the Vulcan's eyes. He spoke quietly. "It isn't your fault, Spock."

"I am aware of that." Spock released his hand, then stepped toward the windows, his face turned away from him. Kirk remained where he was, determined to grant his First Officer the much needed illusion of privacy.

After a moment, Spock spoke again, his words slow and thoughtful, almost hesitant. "You are angry, that I was forced into losing control of my emotions and my actions. Because Parmen breached my mental barriers."

Kirk nodded. "Yes. I am."

Spock exhaled, almost a sigh. "As children, Vulcans are taught to control our thoughts and emotions. However, knowing what we do of the universe, and it's many life forms, it is only logical to acknowledge that there are circumstances, forces, that may be beyond our control. Thus, we are taught to endure such things when we encounter them, and rectify the matter when possible. In serving aboard a starship, I have come to understand this principle better than most. Also, to quote Surak: 'The cause is sufficient'."

Kirk considered. "You're saying that Parmen's violation of your control isn't what's bothering you."

"That is correct, Captain." Spock's shoulders were tense under the blue shirt, though his voice remained deceptively calm. "It is not the first time we have encountered beings capable of overcoming my barriers. I highly doubt it will be the last."

"But something is troubling you." Kirk kept his own voice calm with an effort.

For a moment, he thought Spock would refuse to respond, or choose to deny it. Then the Vulcan spoke, his voice taking on the same harsh monotone that had characterized it after their first ordeal. "Captain...Jim..." he paused, then continued. "Like you, I find it less distressing that they broke my control, than what else they forced me to do." Looking at his profile, Kirk could see him swallow hard, and his shoulders looked rigid under his blue shirt. "They forced me to harm you. To inflict injuries that could have been crippling, possibly even fatal. Had that blow to your face been slightly higher, or more forceful..."

"It wasn't. I'm mostly fine, and McCoy says the rest will sort itself out by morning." He tried to force lightness into his tone, but couldn't quite manage it. Not when he was remembering Spock's cold, quiet pain, the rage that had filled him on the planet's surface, just before he'd reduced a heavy pottery vase to shards and powder. "Besides, I think we already discussed this."

"That is irrelevant." Spock's hands, clasped behind him, clenched almost to fists. "Jim...I have only once before involuntarily injured you, and I swore it would not happen again." The low intensity in that carefully controlled voice was like a shout.

Kirk moved up to stand beside his friend. "You just said it...that there are things beyond your control. That even Surak would have understood." He studied Spock's face, the harsh lines of the jaw giving away his tension. "I thought you said on the planet's surface that you would master your anger."

"Mastery is only control, not elimination. And the latter...does not come as easily." Spock's voice was tight, and he looked drawn, weary. "You asked what disturbs me. It is both the incident itself, and my own response to it. The fact that I cannot completely control my anger, despite our successful resolution of the events on the planet's surface..."

Spock paused, looking uncomfortable. "We successfully defeated Parmen. We have made it impossible for anyone else to be drawn into his trap as we were. We have rescued an innocent civilian from a precarious and abusive situation. Logically, any negative impulses should be satisfied."

Kirk shrugged. "Well, I'm not entirely sure you're correct about that, Mr. Spock." He certainly didn't feel as if everything had been resolved. "After all, we left Parmen unharmed. We didn't force him to make restitution, we only neutralized him. So...one could argue that justice hasn't been fully served."

One dark eyebrow rose a fraction. "Jim...the practice of 'an eye for an eye'..."

"Isn't acceptable. Or civilized. I'm aware of that. It doesn't mean I'm satisfied." he hesitated, then added quietly. "No more than I'm convinced I couldn't have done anything differently. Not answered the call. Ordered McCoy to stay. Heeded Alexander's warnings, or paid attention to his treatment at Parmen's hands. I can think of any number of things that might have prevented what happened down there."

Spock's eyebrow rose higher. "Captain, you made the best decision possible with the information you had. We cannot legally refuse a distress call from a colony world. And I do not believe the good doctor would have consented to remain, even under orders. Nor is it reasonable, or logical, to deprive a starship of her Chief Medical Officer on such flimsy grounds. Such decisions are not ones you should feel guilty about."

Kirk nodded. "I know. But then...why should you feel guilty about something you had no control over? Spock...you didn't even get a choice." He turned to face his companion. "The truth is, if I had to guess, I'd say that you're still angry at yourself as much as Parmen. I know I am. Even if we did the best we could..."

"If we did the best we could, which I believe we have, then such considerations are unnecessary." Spock's shoulders relaxed, as did his expression. Some of the pained shadows in his eyes faded, leaving him looking tired. "Quite logical Jim."

Kirk watched him for a moment, then smiled. "Feeling better now, Mr. Spock?" He knew he was feeling better, having talked it over with someone.

Spock tilted his head just slightly. "I do find my mental equilibrium to be much improved."

Kirk smiled. "Get some rest, Mr. Spock. That's an order." Spock's eyebrow rose to his hairline, but he didn't comment. Instead, he inclined his head in a nod, the tiniest of smiles on his face, then turned and left the observation lounge.

Kirk took a moment to watch the stars gliding by, then smiled, turned, and followed his friend.

Author's Note: I was re-watching Star Trek, and came across this episode. It just felt like some quiet time was needed between these two. Might be a little OOC for cannon, but hey...they had a rough day. Spock doesn't usually go around breaking stuff either.