Boredom is a powerful thing, my friends. I was in the mood to read something horrible, because I had just finished reading the totally amazing Zelda story titled Finally by Kibasgirlsumi (Which, if you're a Zelda fan, and a Zelink fan, I 100% recommend that piece of win.) It was a damn good read.

So of course I'm gonna poison my cleansed mind with shit. And I figured I may as well allow people to watch and enjoy my pain as I trudge through the utter slime that is known as My Immortal, by the infamous Tara Gilesbie. Don't worry though! Once I finish with this I plan to re-read Second Star by Mipiko, which in my opinion is one of the best fics in the Vocaloid fandom. (Yes, I realize I'm whoring out my favorite stories, but I'm the commentator, so go suck an egg, rabbit.) Either way, that should (hopefully) cleanse me of the filth.

I'm going to marathon this, and hope to actually make it through all 45 chapters. I know there are a billion My Immortal commentaries, but I hope mine shall be able to entertain you. Enjoy my suffering! - Something

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

First off, as a puns fan, I want to say that saying "get it" is one of the best ways to ruin a joke ever. If the person doesn't get your joke, it's probably not worth telling them the joke. Plus, "fangz" is a shit pun. Shit I say.

Also, you sound astonishingly homophobic by saying "ew" when calling your friend Raven your girlfriend. You realize that by mentioning Justin, the "luv of your deprzzing life" you completely alleviate any need for clarification, right? Then again, just from this A/N I think you're the type of person who wouldbe okay with adultery if the person you were committing the act with was hot enough for you.

...I had to Google what MCR was. No offense to My Chemical Romance listeners, but I still don't want to listen to them. I shall stay in my corner of feelsy acoustic arrangements, thank you.

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

I'm okay with the name Ebony. Dementia is cool too (Though it is a memory disorder, so not a good name, but to each his own.). Raven's pushing it, but Hell, I watched Teen Titans, so I'll deal. However, Dark'ness.

Dark'ness.

DARK'NESS.

What the actual fuck kind of name is Dark'ness?! You sound like some stupid ghetto parent naming their child A'postrophe. (If I offend anybody, I profusely apologize. All offensive comments are intended towards Tara. How about a funny story? My mom, when she was training to be a nurse, worked in an OB GYN ward for a bit as part of her intern stuff, and a mother wanted to name her son Meconium. Cool name, right? However, Meconium is the medical term for a newborn's first bowel movement. My mom thinks that the doctor actually let that woman name her son after a baby's first shit.)

Also, who names their child after their (ridiculously overdetailed) hair?! That's just dumb. Almost as dumb as Dark'ness. No, I will not get over that.

Limpid tears makes vague sense, but it still sounds dumb. "I have clear blue eyes" works just as well, flows better, and gets your point across.

You've compared yourself to Amy Lee. Now I can never play Bring Me to Life in Rockband ever again with a straight face. I am not happy. And unfortunately, I can't leave because I doknow who she is. (Curse you Evanescence, for being so awesome.)

Finally, I'm going to point out my extreme annoyance at people inserting A/N's into the middle of the story. If you want to make a note about a specific part put a little one in parentheses (1) or an asterisk (*) next to it and address it at the top and or bottom of your chapter. Don't interrupt my reading. Thank you.

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

I will gladly admit I enjoy the occasional fictional incestuous lemon or two. Emphasis here on it being fictional. Meaning, not real. The actual idea of participating in incest vaguely sickens me, because I totally do NOT want to fuck my older brother. For one thing, he's 11 years older, and for another, ew. Just ew. So wishing to be related to a celebrity so you may participate in an incestuous relationship with said celebrity is also majorly ew.

I just googled Gerard Way. Am I going to be stoned for not finding him that hot? Robert Downey Junior's totally got him beat in my opinion-

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

So you're one of the Cullens? If so, take a few pictures of Jasper and send them to me. And also, record his voice, for I have a thing for old Southern accents.

I'm also pale, but for less vampiric reasons. I wear sunblock.

Isn't Hogwarts technically in Scotland? (I actually never knew this until reading another commentary. I've only read the books and seen the movies. Other than taking the Pottermore quiz to figure out my House, I haven't done anything else. Oh, and if you're wondering, I was Slytherin.)

Seventh years tend to be seventeen. I know that Deathly Hallows wasn't out yet when this was written, but surely you could see the pattern in years/ages by then? (Then again, you doseem to be pretty dumb.)

Hot Topic isn't even IN England. I just asked my friend who lives there to make sure. And your description of that totally (un)realistic outfit makes me want to burn all my Hotcash cards and never go there again.

If you're pale, why did you need white foundation? Do you have zits? Can vampires even get zits? Consistency, Tara!

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Isn't snow and rain together called sleet? I wouldn't know; it's warm in Florida.

What is your definition of prep, anyways? I personally think of assholes in argyle sweaters, and not even the cool funky ones.

Aw, you sent them a love-bird!

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

I fail to see how that was in any way suspenseful. Maybe if it was something like this:

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a vaguely familiar voice. I looked up, and it was….Draco Malfoy riding a unicycle wearing an 'I heart Muggles' t-shirt and a clown nose!?

Sorry, couldn't resist. I'm personally dying at that image in my head right now.

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

I personally never liked Draco. He was always either a prick or a pussy to me. However, I know for a fact he was never a shy pussy. He was a submissive to Mummy-and-Daddy-and-Voldy pussy.

Also, a good way to build a character's personality other than the repetition of an adverb on the end of the word said, (also, ever heard the phrase "said is dead"? It was banged into my head during fourth grade writing-), is to fiddle with the style of the dialogue. Like, trying to make Draco shy? Make the boy stutter.

"What's up, Draco?" I asked.

"N-nothing…" he mumbled shyly.

See? Isn't that better? (Notice the proper grammar.) Make shy, submissive, and cute characters stutter. The best words are n, b, and g sounds. Don't do s's though. They get repetitive as hell, and also make sure not to make them stutter toomuch, because it gets annoying. (Learned that the hard way when writing a speech-impaired character.)

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

I would've loved to hear some details on your friends here, Tara. Are they boys? Girls? Their hair colors? Are they also "goth"?

What did they want? Include some dialogue! Their conversation! Goodness, details woman! Build the story! Please?

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Judging from the first chapter alone, this story is not specifically bad. Potential could be dredged up. I think Raven was only doing the spelling/grammar part of beta-ing, for a good beta helps the author build the story and looks at things from a reader's perspective, helping to make it a better story for the reader.

However, text speak is a no, and I have already told my views on crappy puns.

All in all, chapter one didn't hurt so much. Then again, I have heard that this story gets worse with progressing chapters. Wish me luck! I'd like if you guys reviewed, so I can see your opinions as well.

Reading back on this, I feel like it degraded from commentary to me yelling ways this story could've been saved. Oh well.