AN: I really wish I owned these guys … but no, I don't. Dick Wolf does, but you all know that.
If she had a choice, she wouldn't have ever left. She wasn't herself, but she was loved. Emily was loved. Cabot-centric. Hint of EO.
The strange story was the one she told now; it was the story of how the young Emily Madison had grown up to love her job. The job at the insurance agency, the cheap-paying job in the agency as one of the manager's assistants, compared to the job that she knew so well. She didn't have much from that job; she had been told that the furniture from her apartment would be sold, along with the studio apartment itself. There had been no time for anything after her staged death; not a chance to call her mother, or for a proper search through her home for her favorite personal photographs. She had simply been instructed to retrieve all of her legal documents, along with a few personal possessions that didn't show her name or any friends, and then return to the car that was waiting outside for her. And with a healing gunshot wound in her shoulder, it was nearly impossible for her to gather all the personal belongings that she wanted to keep with her, but memories would help her through.
From the minute she had returned to the back seat of the car, and after her fleeting farewells to both Benson and Stabler, Alexandra Cabot had transformed into the quiet Emily Madison from Tulsa. She had lost nearly all her possessions, except for an old framed photograph of her and her mother, a few candid snapshots of her standing with the squad that she had snuck into her pockets, and a lilac scarf that Benson had given her for a birthday present a few years back. These three objects, plus her own memories, were the only things that she held onto, and she was never surprised when she would mention her friend Olivia or her old coworker Elizabeth. In a sense, Alex still was able to keep a hold on her story, one that allowed her to bring her friends that she had grown to love, alive in her memories. Though a sudden stab of pain would always hit her, roughly, when anyone would ask her about how her friends were doing, or she still bothered to keep in contact with them. That was when she had to bite her lip and turn her gaze to the floor, and if only she still had the chances to talk to her family and friends back in New York City, then she would have.
Alex hated the way the other women in the insurance agency treated her, acting like she knew nothing only because she had only begun working there "recently". Apparently the women had all considered any of the employees who hadn't been working there more than a year were considered being a "recent" employee. Not that she minded, since Alex was glad to be involved at any sort of social activity, it got her mind of her past of when she was A.D.A. Alex Cabot, and she let herself live as Emily Madison. She didn't mind the way her coworkers looked at her in awe when she brought up some obscure amendment or ruling, and the fact made her more at home. And even though the small town she was living in was terribly different than New York City, there were moments when Alex felt that she could call it home.
It became even more of a home when Ryan Williams, one of the manager's other assistants (Alex never understood why her manager had four assistants) caught her eye. He was nearly the exact same build as Stabler, and for a second, Alex had thought that he was – but Ryan's eyes were a dull gray. At first, Alex had been convinced that any sort of romantic relationship would only end in disaster when they asked about her past, but it wasn't the case with Ryan. He said that he was able to read the pain in her eyes whenever her past was mentioned, and he had promised from the beginning that he would never leave her past where it was, in the past. And for Alex, that was all she needed to hear to be convinced that one relationship couldn't hurt her.
It didn't hurt either, because Ryan was always faithful to his promise, and he never once asked about Alex's past. The fact that he had never spotted any of her candid photographs of her with the SVU squad must have helped their relationship work too. To him, it was as if the only things that mattered were Alex and their relationship. Of course, there were moments when Alex wanted to tell him everything, how she had chosen to become an attorney, how she had grown up to work in New York, and how the SVU squad she missed terribly was where she belonged, and how the entire world didn't know that A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot was still alive, standing in a small town, looking at him. But a promise was a promise, and what the Witness Protection program had done for her was much bigger than a simple promise, so her secret remained locked away, known to only three people; Olivia Benson, Elliot Stabler, and herself.
And to Alex, even though no one she had left behind in New York knew her name, or where she was, knowing that Benson and Stabler knew that she was alive was important. The three of them were much more than coworkers, and no Witness Protection program was going to change that about their friendship, even if it meant that they would only live on in each other's memories. No matter how much she hated it, Alex kept the candid photos of her standing in the NYPD squad room locked away in a small pink child's bank in a table beside her bed. Ever since the first night in her "home" in the small Wisconsin town, she left the photos in the box, the scarf that Benson had given her tied loosely around a bedpost, and the framed photo of her and her mother besides the bed. The three items kept her memories of the city alive, and she often found herself curled up in bed, typing away on the disposable laptop that she had been given, searching information about what exactly her squad was up to now, and what cases they were looking to solve next. That knowledge alone, to know that the SVU squad she loved was keeping her secret, and that they were still putting every criminal that they caught in their rightful place, kept her going.
There had only been once close call, as Alex thought it was, when Ryan had been with her and an email alert had popped up about one of the newer cases that her squad was solving. For a few minutes, Alex had sat there paralyzed in fear, wondering what exactly she would say to him, and then she let a smile grace her features. She lied cleanly through her lips about how she had always been interested in special victims and that the NYPD squad in Manhattan had been the one she strove to study if she had chosen law enforcement as a profession. Though surprised, her half-lie didn't phase Ryan one bit, and in fact, Alex was surprised on how well he took it. She let her eyes alight with a story of one of her own cases, and how she had followed it as closely as she had been able to, spending all her time trying to read up about the new developments in the case.
Ryan had promised to take Alex to Manhattan, and even went as far to ask if she was interested in shadowing Benson or Stabler for a day, but he dropped the idea at the worried look in her eyes. She knew that he would be able to try and promise her anything, but any return trips to her home city, or to the SVU squad room were out of the question in her eyes. As least they were if she looked like Alex Cabot, because any sort of trip to New York City while she looked so much who she had been before Witness Protection was risky. Alex didn't even know if she was allowed to visit the city as a tourist, no one had told her the rules of being in Witness Protection and how she was supposed to handle situations like that. But, in the end, Alex had been able to convince Ryan that they could travel elsewhere, and so he made plans for the two of them to travel to Chicago.
It had been one week before the trip, when her successor had decided to pull her from the small Wisconsin town, and drag her back into the courtroom. Of course, Alex was glad to be back, especially because she knew that both Benson and Stabler couldn't keep her framed death quiet forever. Well, at least she knew that the two of them would if they could, but when she and Casey had discussed the trial for the first few moments they had alone, Alex was convinced that being back in New York was a good thing. At least, bringing her out of Witness Protection was the right thing to do for the general population, but Alex knew that it wasn't right for her. In a matter of minutes, her life as Emily Madison was over, and she was back to being Alexandra Cabot again. Not that she completely minded being herself again, but she had at least wanted to have the time to think about the two different lives that she was living. One held her dream job and all the people who she loved, while the other held the only person she had felt the need to keep living for in for the past two years.
Though no matter how much Alex had wished that she had a choice about her future, Alex was well aware of the fact that, given a chance, she wouldn't have been able to pick anyways. She knew that the next day, Ryan would begin to go insane, and call both the police and Missing Persons, and that his heart would break when she was told that no record of an Emily Madison ever existed or lived in the area. Then she knew that he would begin to follow the news of Manhattan's SVU squad, and secretly, some part of Alex wished that he would find the forgotten candid of her and the squad. That maybe Ryan would start to see a resemblance between Alexandra Cabot and Emily Madison, and then hopefully then he would understand her mysterious past and her dedication to both Benson and Stabler's cases. But it was foolish for her to hope that, especially because Alex knew that anything she had left in the house would end up being destroyed the minute she left. So all she could do was leave and hope that Ryan would find a way to forgive "Emily" and then hopefully move on, leaving him memories of their time together behind. Though Alex would understand him if he couldn't forget about the two of them, or stop loving Emily – because she knew that she wouldn't forget her relationship with Ryan or how happy she was while in Witness Protection.
- emily -
"So now what do you want to do about the two of you?" Benson was far from surprised that Alex had fallen in love while she had been in Witness Protection. The two of them sat together in Alex's hotel room, conversing together in low tones on the queen-sized bed, neither of them tired or motivated to sleep. Instead, Alex sat cross-legged across on a pillow, a half-eaten package of Oreos in her lap, her eyes trained on her friend as she began to tell the story about how she and Ryan had met and then fallen in love. Alex also mentioned that she had brought up the Manhattan SVU, and that Ryan had even offered to observe to contact Cragen and ask if she would be allowed to observe their investigation. It was almost like before Alex had left, and when Benson chose to comment on the fact, then Alex did nothing more than let her curiosity get her into trouble.
"Only for me, does it feel the same," Alex looked into her friend's eyes, waiting for a flicker of emotion, "But it can't possibly be the same for you." She let a smile curve onto her lips as Benson eyed her curiously, and Alex folded her hands in her lap. "You can't tell me that everything's the exact same with you too." Her smile only widened at the deer-in-headlights expression on Benson's face, and Alex gave her friend a sympathetic glance, "I know it can't be that easy to stick around here now, especially when you can't even tell him how you feel about him, but you'll get your chance someday." Resting a hand on Benson's shoulder, Alex let her friend relax into her touch, "He needs to know, even if he can't return your feelings, keeping this bottled up is only eating away at you."
"But if I ruin everything him and I have by telling him, including our friendship, then what am I supposed to do now?" Benson's gaze turned onto her friend's, curious and worried. "I can't just pick up and leave my job because it's too damn awkward for the two of us to continue working together." She let out a sigh, feeling absolutely helpless, "Besides, I can't even expect him to say anything even if I do tell him, Elliot isn't exactly the kind of guy I go to when I need to get advice on my romantic relationships. I mean, I could ask for advice, but sooner or later, he's going to figure out that I'm talking about him, he's not stupid."
"Then you'll need to learn how to let go Liv," Alex's voice caught in her throat as she went on, "I'm going to have to learn how to do that too. I can't be Emily Madison anymore, I have to be Alex Cabot now; then who knows who I'll end up being after I testify." She stopped, seeing Benson look down, and sighed quietly, "I may not be working with Ryan anymore now, but I still know how hard it is to let someone that you love go on living their life without you. It hurts like hell Olivia, I don't need to tell you that, but at least you can still see Elliot, which is somewhat of a good thing." Alex looked down, "If I had a choice, I wouldn't be here, I'd rather be back at home with Ryan, but I need to be here for all of you. I love him more than anything and I would have been happy to stay as Emily Madison forever, being loved it a wonderful feeling, but I couldn't forget anyone here." She smiled, "You guys are my life, and I could never forget any of you, no matter what kind of hell I get forced to go through. And yes, maybe I did fall in love while in Wisconsin, but I can move on from him – but not you guys … you guys are my rock."
Alex leaned into the pillows as a wide yawn split her features and she grinned at Benson, who yawned in response, "Let's get some sleep, I've got a busy day tomorrow and I'm sure the defense is going to make it just as long for you too." She tossed a pillow towards the couch and returned the Oreos package to the bedside table, "Now scoot off the bed before I end up kicking you off 'Livia!" Laughing, both Alex and Olivia crawled into the respective sleeping places, and after their "good nights", they both let the visions of their day ahead fill their minds. The peacefulness wouldn't last, since it never did where the 1-6 was involved, but right now, the steady breathing of Detective Benson and A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot was as sure as hell as close as they could get.
AN: Okay, I started this about a month ago, and the last two weeks have been completely insane with the first semester of my junior year finishing. But, here's the first actual SVU fic I've written, because even though I posted 'White' first, I began this beforehand.
Also, a little fun fact kind of thing: I chose the name Ryan to go with Emily because one of my best friend's named Emily is in a relationship with a guy named Ryan. Lol.
-KM