I haven't gone swimming in a very long time. My dad used to take me swimming in a lake by our house when I was younger, and after he left; I never went swimming again. I watched Lila in the pool; watching as she stared up at me from the pool. I couldn't take my hands out of my pockets, I couldn't stop myself from begging her to get out.
"Grab a suit," She encouraged. She liked me, she wanted me to swim with her. My heart ached to just jump in and be normal. In my head, I pictured what I must look like to her, and I longed for her to see me like woman saw Morgan. I refused to get a suit, once again trying to convince her to get out of the pool. "Fine, at least help me out?" She asked innocently, and I extended my hand to her. Next thing I knew, I was soaking wet in the pool. My hair plastered itself to my face, and I quickly tried to push it from my face. I felt her moving closer as I stumbled over informing her that she got my gun wet. Her laugh made my stomach tingle, and when I could finally see; she was a mere five inches away.
"Should have worn the suit," she said simply. Her hands grasped my tie and my heart stuttered when her lips met mine. A million thoughts ran through my head as I tried to synchronize my lips with hers. This was my second kiss, ever. This woman had obviously kissed many men before, maybe a few woman too. My eyes clenched shut as she forced her tongue against mine, and anxiety crept up in my chest. She couldn't like me, a tall, skinny, awkward, unattractive, rambling, freak that couldn't kiss.
"There's this thing called trans-" I started, trying to make sense of the situation for the both of us. Her lips found mine again and I ran my hands through my hair, unsure what to do with my hands. I wanted to wrap them around her and pull her against me; to feel her soft skin against my untouched body. The heat that erupted in my lower regions was overbearing. The sensation was one I only knew from when I was in my own house, at night. When the feeling of being deprived of any human contact becomes to much, and I gently slide my hand down my bony body in the darkness of my own apartment. The deed I do in only pure solitude, which is followed by feelings of self hate and disgust.
The thought of someone else touching me in the way I thought I would only touch myself sparked excitement and curiosity. Her kisses left my mouth and moved to my neck, and I shivered. Her hot breath coming out in soft moans as she molded out bodies together. My heart hammered in my chest as I subconsciously tilted my head to give her better access. "You can touch me, you know. And if you make any noises, no one is going to hear," she gasped in my ear, letting her teeth gently scrape my skin.
My breathing hitched at the sensations and my hands reached out to hold on to her. "You like being bitten?" Her words sent jolts of electric down my spine.
"Yeah, feels good," I sighed, tightening my fingers in her hair as she bites down harder and sucked. My hips jerk slightly as I struggle to control myself. This is so inappropriate, I'm sure they could take my badge for this. 'She doesn't even like me,' I remind myself. Suddenly, I feel repulsed by myself and I pull my face away. She looks into my eyes then, and I see desire and something else in their beautiful color.
"Don't make me stop," she whines, leaping at me and pushing me back against the wall of the pool. Her lips dominate mine and I gently place my hands on her hips. Her kisses get wild as her hands find their way under my shirt. I twitch in surprise as her fingers rub against my nipples. At night, when I can't take it anymore; I do this. I rub my hands on my chest and try to pretend they belong to someone else. It feels good to feel her nails scratch across my bare skin. Her hand travels lower, dangerously close to my pants, before she stops to gently feel the angle of my hips. I don't have abs or a well sculpted body, but she seemed to like touching me anyway.
When her hand moved lower and cupped the bulge in my trousers, I panicked. "I, uh, I never did..." I pulled back, unable to look in her eyes.
Her hands gently took my face in hers, forcing me to look at her. "You don't have to be ashamed of being a virgin, Spencer," she whispered, stroking her fingers down my cheeks.
"Lila, I- you don't want this, there is thing called transference and, uh, it makes sense that you think you like me because I'm here to protect you. People who..." I began to ramble, trying to gather my thoughts and calm myself down. Lila listened quietly, letting her fingers play with my hair and face. Her hand crept to my lips, and she pushed one finger to them, silencing me.
"Spencer, I think you are the most handsome, kind, interesting man I've ever met," she answered honestly. I cleared my throat, noticing how my hands were trembling. Her arms pulled me close, but this time for a hug; which I managed to return after a moment.
I felt good about myself, confident, for the first time in years. Before I lost the courage, I turned and found her lips with mine. Our tongues tangled together mutually, and I realized kissing wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Feeling bold, I gently took her hand and held it against my chest and slowly slide it down to the front of my pants. She got the idea, and massaged gently. I groaned and kissed her neck; pleased to find she liked it just as much as I did.
Minutes passed, and she brought me closer to what I always dreamed of feeling. Sometime during this experience, my hand had found it's way into her bathing suit, secretly feeling pleased with myself for making her make the noises she was producing. Time passed, and finally we were both clinging to each other tiredly.
"We better get out, Lila," I nudged her gently, helping her sit on the edge of the pool. My arms were shaking slightly, but I managed to clumsily pull myself from the pool. Lila had already disappeared into the house, returning moments later with a towel. My body gave an involuntary twitch as she encircled me with the plush fabric. She stood there in her fluffy robe, and I uncomfortably fixed my eyes on a crack in the concrete.
"I have some clothes you can wear, so I can throw those in the dryer," she said quietly.
I cleared my throat, "Thank you, I'll um, change in the bathroom."
She gently took my arm, indicating that I should follow her inside. I slowly obeyed, accepting the neatly folded clothes she handed me, and shut the bathroom door behind me. I met my reflection's eyes in the mirror, shaking my dripping hair a little to move it out of my eyes. My face was still pale, but slightly flushed. Slowly, I unbutton and pealed off my wet shirt, exposing my flat, hairless chest. My arms were thin and twig like, unattractive. My stomach was flat, but lacked any real form. I eased my pants off next, taking my boxers down with them. I tried not to take to long examining myself totally in the nude. My thin, pale, frail looking body seemed even more boyish in the dim light. Quickly now, I redressed in the clothes Lila provided, which seemed big enough to fit three of myself in. I collected my wet clothes and emerged from the bathroom to find Lila sitting curled up on the couch. "The dryer is in the last room on the right side, down the hall," she gestured towards the narrow hallway on the other side of the room.
I found the room, and put my clothes in; turning the dial to the preferred setting. I rejoined Lila in the living room, sitting next to her when she patted the space next to her. Instantly, her arms found there way around my torso, and I stiffened. "My, uh, team is on there way. We should probably not be found..." I trailed off when she leaned over and planted a kiss on my temple. My heart rate picked up, yet it grew heavier. My whole life, I dreamed of having this. Someone who just wanted to be with him. Not because I was smart or had a steady job, but because I was Spencer and that was good enough. Now when I finally got my chance, I knew I'd never be able to enjoy the moment.
Just then, I heard Morgan and Elle outside; and I reluctantly jumped to the other side of the couch. Standing up, I tucked my hair behind my ear and folded my arms across my chest tightly just as Morgan came through the back door. "I found him out in the bushes," he informed me, pushing the man in cuffs forward. I glanced from them, back to Lila and she looked back at me. I knew then that what had happened would never be spoken of again. I did my best not to show my inner sadness as I went to join Elle outside by the pool. She took in my now damp hair and changed clothes, and passed me an exposed roll of film, "You're welcome."