JAROD'S THOUGHTS

Written by: Jack, The Wayward Explorer (25.11.01)

Summary: While in the Centre between S3 Finale and S4 Premiere, Jarod takes a moment to think about a few things.

Disclaimer: tP and all its characters are the creation of Steven Lon Mitchell and Craig W Van Sickle; and are the property of the above-mentioned creative Gods, plus MGM and TNT (I pity NBC for giving it away). No profit comes from this, except from some valuable writing practice.

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Darkness. Who would've thought Darkness would become my friend again? Because when there is darkness there's nothing else: no past to confront, no present to speak of but no future to dream of. I can try. I try to think of the clear blue sky above me, the smell of the green grass below my feet. I try to feel the west wind blowing in my hair, across my face. I try to taste, in my mind, the first mouthful of icecream I ever had.

At least the boy will get that now. He won't be me over again he will have a life, he will know what all that means. Even if I don't anymore.

Not that I will be staying too long I'll find a way out, I know I will.

Lyle tricked me — in a manner of speaking. I knew what was happening, it was impossibly easy. Pull the button from Sam's jacket, lift up the manhole cover, and escape again? I knew it couldn't happen. They'd given me everything I needed, and that was the foolish part. I wonder if they believed my act down in that chicken-wire cage. Did they think I was for real? Did they honestly believe that *I* honestly believed it would be so easy? I was going along with them for once, placating them by doing what they so expected. All the rage, all the anger there was real, though. I knew they wanted to see something, to see that they'd unhinged me, that they'd thrown me off. My anger wasn't so much about not being able to escape, but the fact they'd caught me again in the first place.

Miss Parker I pray all the time that she's okay yet I know, somehow, that she will survive. She can't leave now, not with so much still to discover. She's strong and I know she will make it. I try to lend my strength to her, more telepathically than anything else. The feeling between us that has been growing since Thomas' death is something I've thought about for a long time. I've tried to deny what I feel for her for so long. It is a love, but whether she would ever truly understand it and reciprocate it is a question to which the answer lies in the future. My future. Hers. Ours.

The torture is not the hardest thing about being back here. It's the knowledge that they think they will have me here for the rest of time. The smugness is plain in their faces. It was in Sam's satisfied grunt, when I first tore the button from his jacket on the way to the showers. It was in Lyle's soft, deadly tone when he told me that if I wanted to know about my family, I had to trust him.

Trust. It can kill you or set you free. Catherine Parker used to say that and it applies to so much. To think that for every minute in our lives, she had something which applies. She was such a wonderful woman she didn't deserve what she got. Neither did her daughter. But then you could argue that about most of this world. It is hard to convince myself it's all so possible to continue fighting.

Fight. Yes, I have to, I have to keep on fighting.

The jumper cables Oh Christ. Has the Devil taken residence in Lyle's soul? Does Lyle even have one? He has done so much that I find it hard to believe. And yet I still can't bring myself to stop him. To kill him. If killing is possible with Lyle. He's faked his death so many times I wonder if even he gets confused about it sometimes. Yet he has no compunction about killing others. He killed my brother. Kyle. He killed someone who felt he'd never made a difference. If only Kyle had known

And he risked Nicolas. Sydney's son, for Christ's sake; and all for me. Me. Sometimes in quiet moments I've wondered if it would be better being back in here rather than being out there and everyone who had some possible connection to me being killed. And now that I'm back here I've decided that I need the fresh air and the blue sky and the green grass even if it kills me. And if the Centre is determined to kill everyone connected to me, then I just need to find them first.

The Darkness will rise and envelope me again, and the pain, and the loneliness, the sadness and the misery will stop for a moment And I will dream

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FIN

© 2002 JWE

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