Living versus Surviving
Living and Surviving
Cloud was beginning to wonder if they weren't the same thing. Living seemed to involved spending time with people and overall, happiness. It involved telling jokes and laughter. Living involved enjoying the company of others.
Aside from those few things, Cloud had no idea what exactly living was. He had come to terms with that a long time ago. After years of hearing friends say, "Live a little," he had to stop himself from simply saying, "How?" or to remind them that he was in fact standing right in front of them. He had saved by the world twice. He was here, in the flesh. By definition, he was in fact living.
Surviving was something different. Surviving was something Cloud was good at. Something he knew he was good at. It was something he did every day of his life. After all he had experienced, somehow, he had lived through it all. Somehow, of course, being the key word. The people who surrounded him somehow found happiness just from living their day-to-day lives. Cloud didn't understand that. How could he? His mind kept going back to a time in which Sephiroth was alive and well. He remembered watching Sephiroth destroy an entire town when he was helpless to stop it. He was only able to go back in his mind. He could only watch helplessly in his mind and think variations of no, please no, oh Hyne no! It was never enough Cloud had never been enough to stop him.
The memories were always there. Watching his best friend die. He hadn't been able to help Zack, only watch helplessly, the same thoughts running through his mind. The memories had become so bad that Cloud couldn't stop them no matter how hard he tried. He begged and begged them to just go away, but to no avail. They came back again and again, just as intense as the ones before.
Cloud somehow survived through all this day-to-day. There's not a day that went by when Cloud didn't wish he were dead.