Not really a fic, just an observation; one-shot crack, really.
Still, it should be good for a chuckle.
Disclaimer: I disclaim nothing. DAMN YOU, AND YOUR BLOODY COPYRIGHTS!
Legendary Perverts
The REAL reason for their fame.
"Oh my god, it's them!"
Jiraiya grinned, hair whipping as he prepared for his Kabuki-style introduction.
The first genin stared at Tsunade for a moment... "Oh god...the LEGENDARY THREE PERVERTS!"
Jiraiya somehow managed to stutter in his hair-waving badly enough to tangle the tail of his hair around his ankle and literally yank himself off his feet.
Orochimaru smirked.
Tsunade turned to regard Jiraiya for a moment, then started laughing. "Oh, that's got to hurt, doesn't it 'Gallant Jiraiya?'" She chuckled. "Legendary Toad summoner and S-rank ninja, and they..." she paused. Turning back to the currently-petrified genin team and their Chunin Instructor, she scowled. "What the hell are you talking about, Legendary THREE Perverts?"
The oldest genin looked at the three from where he was hiding behind his instructor. "Well, you're Orochimaru, Tsunade, and Jiraiya from Konohagakure, right?" Orochimaru nodded; Jiraiya was still busy trying to untangle himself from his hair, and Tsunade was alternately glaring and fuming. "Well...you're all perverts, aren't you? I mean, you're famous for that." He shrugged nervously. "I mean, you're also the 'Sannin,' but..."
Tsunade somehow managed to yank him off his feet from twenty feet away; (we won't bother to ask how). Glaring at the thirteen-year-old dangling from her fist, she bit out, "and just HOW...am I a pervert?"
The token female genin looked around. Regardless of anything else, she was pretty sure that she was safe from the three; Orochimaru was a notorious yaoi, and Jiraiya only went after matured women (ie, women with big breasts). She just prayed she could outrun Tsunade... "Well, Orochimaru's kind of famous for being a mincing, fruity, sadistic, limp-wristed, boy-hungry pedophile with some sort of oral fixation..."
"I have an oral fixation?"
Tsunade and Jiraiya both stopped what they were doing (throttling a teenager and trying to fix his hair, respectively) to STARE at their teammate.
"What?"
Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose with her free hand. "Weren't you showing us that weird new jutsu of yours for stretching your tongue last week?"
Orochimaru shrugged. "There are times when a man's hands and feet are incapacitated; it makes perfect sense to have something extra."
"What about the sword you keep in your throat?" Jiraiya asked as he finally got back to his feet. Maybe it's time for a haircut...
"They never see it coming; it's a very nice, very sharp sword."
"Which you practice deep-throating every night."
Orochimaru sniffed disdainfully. "It's called Iaijutsu; a good quick draw can be the difference between life and death."
Token-female-genin coughed. "Right." Frankly, it kind of disturbed her that the snake-ninja hadn't bothered refuting the fact that he was a REALLY gay S&M pedophile. "And then there's Tsunade; a butch, narcissistic, bisexual shotacon."
Tsunade face-faulted, incidentally dropping the genin she'd been choking the life out of; he had the sense to scurry out of the way. It proved the wisest choice as she exploded into a stance, battle-aura blazing. "NOT A GOD-DAMNED WORD OF THAT IS TRUE!"
Jiraiya snorted. "Because there's nothing narcissistic about creating a jutsu to make yourself forever young."
She smacked him in the head, driving said head into the dirt.
"What about all the time you spend around the children's hospital?"
"I'M A GOD-DAMNED MEDIC NIN, YOU FRUITCAKE!"
"Do all the medic nins volunteer to give sponge baths in the pediatric wing?" Orochimaru asked; he at least had the foresight to dodge when she tried to pulp his brains.
Jiraiya pried his face out of the mud, a thoughtful look on his face (Tsunade hadn't put her full force behind the blow; she was annoyed with him, not pissed). "Come to think of it, you are a LITTLE bit mannish in the way you act. I mean, you drink heavily, you go barhopping almost every night, you gamble obsessively, you're a close-combat brawler..." he shook his head. "I guess I just never noticed it; I was always too busy ogling that 100 female figure of yours."
THIS time the punch was powerful enough to plant his head completely under the dirt.
Orochimaru looked at her curiously. "Are you really bisexual, Tsunade? Because that WOULD explain why you spend so much time hanging around Anko. And why you make Shizune use her naked body as the model for teaching her about anatomy."
The chunin instructor considered for a moment just what would happen if the three Sannin actually decided to seriously try and murder each other, and decided that a sacrifice was necessary. "And of course, there's Jiraiya. A dirty old man who writes pornographic books."
Jiraiya popped his head out of the dirt. "Oh, are you a fan?"
The chunin flushed. "That...that's absurd. I DO NOT read Icha-Icha Academy!"
Jiraiya whistled quietly. "Wow, that takes me back. That was my first one; I wrote it and got it published on my own money, back before I hit it big with Icha Icha Paradise. You must have really looked hard to find one of my older works."
The children stared in horror at their instructor. "OH GOD, IT'S ANOTHER ONE!"
"SHUT UP AND RUN! PEDOPHILE'S LIKE LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS! ESPECIALLY BI ONES!"
Tsunade stared at the dust cloud. "Oh, that's it. I'm going to kill every last one of those little fuckers."
"No doubt smothering the young boys in your cleavage," Orochimaru commented dryly.
"Oh shut up you perverted freak; better that then leaving them to YOUR tender mercies. What did she call you? 'A mincing, fruity, limp-wristed boy-hungry pedophile?"
He turned up his nose at her. "I don't need to take that from a pedophile."
Jiraiya watched them go; personally, he didn't care. He was used to being known as a pervert, and besides, he'd just had a revelation. "You know, something kind of creepy just occurred to me." He ticked off the points on his fingers. "Hebi-teme's a wannabe child molester, and apparently Tsunade-chan lusts after little boys and other women (though it DID explain why he'd never had a chance with her)." He looked up in consternation. "Fuck's sake, I'M the most normal one of us?"
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Some people on a certain forum requested I write more, but I don't see how this would go anywhere. Questions? Comments?
Oh, and for those of you who are relatively new to fanfiction and thus relatively clean of mind, a shotacon is a woman who has a thing for young boys.