Disclaimer: I don't own ER, or anything associated with it...I swear...
Summary: Ray's POV in A House Divided.
Spoilers: A House Divided.
I had only recently started my shift and already I wanted to take a swing at Gates. So when I walked into the Trauma Room and saw him in there with Neela I only got wound up more. They didn't even look like they were working – probably another social visit. I had noticed it in the past couple of weeks, Gates would call a surgical consult for a cut that needed a band-aid and Neela would come running, then they would stand around flirting with each other. I was absolutely stunned when I saw the two of them pawing each other in the conference room a while back although Neela never struck me as the type of girl that would go sleeping around. I don't know who she thinks she's kidding, she's not over Gallant, she doesn't love Gates, she's just biding her time until she has to face everything.
I introduced Gary to Dr. Gates and… Dr. Rasgotra. That felt weird, I had never introduced her like that.
Dennis' stepfather's harsh words pulled my thoughts away from Neela momentarily. I couldn't believe the way this jerk was talking to his stepson. I guess all stepfathers seem prone to being assumptive bastards. As soon as he walked out my thoughts came back to the situation before me. Gates only called Neela so he could stand here and flirt with her, well it wasn't happening on my watch. I am the senior resident on this case and it's my right to decide what's the best course of action for my patient.
"Can you please explain to him why this patient is not a good candidate for surgery?" I said to Neela.
She glanced up at me quickly and said that she wanted to admit him for observation. Now I knew I was right. She only came down to see him and she's just taking his side because she was sleeping with him. If she wanted to side with Gates to show some kind of twisted loyalty then that was fine, but it was not going to happen at the expense of this patient. I asked to speak to her outside the trauma room in the hopes that she would put aside her personal issues and do what was right for the patient when Gates wasn't around.
"Okay, the least you could do is give me an honest and professional opinion." I felt that after everything that we had been through, she at least owed me that much.
"I did," she replied. Like hell you did Neela. "No you didn't."
'How do you know, you're not a surgeon," she retorted.
"Neither are you," I shot back only to realize my own stupidity. The look she gave me mirrored that realization, and I quickly stammered out an apology. And quite suddenly it wasn't about the patient anymore; it was about her. I was sick and tired of what had been going on for the past few months, she was my friend and I hadn't talked to her, really talked to her in a long time, and when I did someone was always getting hurt. If this was the only way to get her to open up to me, then fine. And now for the first time in a very long time we were actually fighting. Not just arguing – but fighting, we were both talking over each other, intent to get our frustration out in this frenzy. But as quickly as it had started, it ended with my accusation of, "you're screwing him!"
I didn't know why I said it. It's been sitting inside me for a while and it felt good to get it out, but as soon as I took in her expression I knew I had crossed a line. She looked stunned and almost embarrassed; but I didn't apologize and I didn't take it back. I wanted her to tell me that she wasn't. I wanted her to tell me that I was wrong.
"I can't believe you just said that!" I can't believe she just said that. "So it's true?" She looked indignant now.
"No! And even if it were it's none of your damn business and it certainly has nothing to do with this case!" And that was when the medicine came crashing down into the situation. She had taught me so much about being a good doctor, one of those things being not to let your personal issues cloud your judgment. Once I voiced that, she was struck speechless, her eyes smoldering. She had not looked like that since I left Arlo hanging at the hospital and me and her had gotten into it that night. I remember, I made a reference to her selling hotdogs three months before and she had been momentarily struck speechless and her eyes had smoldered – the same exact way they did now. I stared silently back, the next move was hers but before she could make it Gates interrupted, and then Pratt.
Somehow, being right isn't as satisfying as I thought it would be.
I went back to do a followup on Dennis after I had checked up on one of my diarrhea-vomiting cases. His crits were holding pretty good but it never really takes a patient a long time to crash, but for now, he was fine - physically anyway.
"How come they didn't being Clark back?" he asked.
His step-brother. He sounded worried about him, for a deeper reason then just so his step-father doesn't come back and make good on his threat.
"They probably moved him to another bed to free up the Trauma Room, and that could be a good sign, so..." I wanted to ease his nerves that have probably been fried since his step-father came in and practically threatened him - poor kid. I know how that feels.
"You're step-father hasn't come by huh?"
"No."
"Why didn't you tell him that you weren't the one who was driving?"
"What's the point?" he asked sullenly.
"I don't know. Maybe so that...he knows you didn't do this."
"He'd still find a way to blame me. At least now he can't get mad at Clark too." Most kids his age are too busy fighting with their siblings to think about their well being but this kid's acting like a true big brother, reminds me of...
He talked about his little brother a little. He really seemed to care about him. He said that he was afraid that Clark's dad thought he was a bad influence. That sounds familiar. I was always the bad influence in my family, even when I was trying to be good...even Neela had told me once that I was a bad influence. Of course I don't think she quite meant it in the way that my step-father meant it.
"I'll find out how he's doin' okay?" I said to Dennis.
"Thanks."
I was relieved when we had Dennis stable enough to get up to the OR. For a minute I thought that this would be it right here. But he was fine for now, and if he made it through the surgery alright then he would recover just fine. After all the lip I gave Neela about being unprofessional, I had to hand it to her, she was a good surgeon. When I had her paged I was almost sure she wasn't going to show up, just to get back at me for saying what I said to her. But she showed up and remained unrelentingly professional and unemotional throughout the whole thing without sparing me a glance, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I didn't want to admit it but maybe Pratt was right. I think I have to tell her, even if it doesn't really make a difference today, I just wanted to get this out. I didn't know how she would react of if she would even talk to me afterwards but anything was better then this...whatever this was.
I followed her out of the Trauma Room and decided that although this was not the time and place for such a thing I was going to tell her while I had the chance, while that ass Gates, wasn't around.
"Neela! Neela, I need to say something."I said while following her out of the Trauma Room.
"No you don't. You did what you thought was best for the patient I respect that." she said looking at me for the first time since she came down.
She thought I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier. And although I know that probably owed it to her I didn't want to. I wanted to tell her something completely on another level.
"No, see...that's not it."
"What is it?" She stopped walking and faced me, and for the first time in a long time I had her full attention on me.
"Uhh...It's probably wrong I know, wrong place, wrong time, but..." but what? What was it I was trying to say here? I wasn't about to tell her I loved her while she was in a trauma suit and covered in a patient's body fluids. I could tell her that I missed her. But in all honesty she probably already knew that. I could tell her that I hated seeing her and Gates together...but I don't think I hid the feeling well enough for her not to already know that too. So for a fraction of a second I just stood there uncomfortably, looking at her. Did I really need to say anything at all? Neela knew me so well, she could read me like a book. But whatever I wanted to say to her would have to wait for another day. Gates came back. And she actually defended me in front of him. That's gotta be something. But something or not, I had to watch her walk away from me...again. I should have just told her while I had the chance.
Author's Note: Thank you everyone who read my past two stories. And a special thanks to my reviewers!!!! I hope you guys like this one...I've been working on it for a while. Leave a review if you are so inclined...please? lol enjoy.