DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me!!!!! If Gilmore Girls had been under my care, Christopher wouldn't have come back after Wedding Bell Blues and LL would be facing other problems, but this painful separation wouldn't be it.
It's a javajunkie stand alone, filled with angst. It's in season 7, after Chris break-up, before LL met in the maze. I hope you all like it.
This story is dedicated to GMB loves Angel. She has restored my faith in LL by writing this great story "Comfort Food", that made the long Chris-filled weeks a little more bearable for me. In the end, this story is a plagiarism from both Amy Shermann-Palladino and her. I watched this great vid she has put together and the story got stuck in my head. I had to write it, even if it ended up being so much smaller than hers.
Enjoy and don't forget to review!!
STAY
By bloodymary2
It's dark.
The world seems to be coated in an awful shade of gray and the colors aren't enough to make it brighter. So I stopped trying. I wear black a lot these days. It reflects nicely with my mood. I look around me and notice how very little, things have changed in the last decade. I would have expected to be able to at least say they weren't lost, these past years, but I don't seem to have anything to show, nothing I did that lasted. Rory is all grown up and maybe that's the only difference I can't deny. She's gone a lot now.
I'm cold.
I wrap my arms around myself, a vain effort experience has shown. Still it has become a habit. Nothing can chase the chill away from my heart, though. I tried. Nothing works. I don't even remember when it started, but I can't quite place my finger on it. It was before Chris, before that night… I'm almost sure it was before my ultimatum Luke couldn't meet.
The sun's too bright.
I know I always hated that the sun came during spring to melt the snow away. I never wished it would shine less, though. It's not that it hurts my eyes. I'm no vampire; I just can't stand it anymore. It's too bright, too happy… It's mocking me mercilessly and I just wanna hide in my bed all day till it goes away. But I don't. I wake up everyday, shower, eat, brush my teeth and wish, for a millisecond right before I open the front door, that I didn't have to continue living. Still… Live I do, if only barely.
The snow lost it's magic.
It doesn't seem to bring me joy anymore. No more good news and special gifts only for me. It's too cold, too white, too much trouble. I don't call anyone when the snow announces itself in the tip of my nose. Not anymore. I can't even muster the energy to appreciate the flakes. To get out of bed. I just feel lost.
I can't seem to smile.
My mouth has unlearned that movement, because I have a hard time forcing my lips up, when the situation warrants it. Maybe it's not my mouth's fault, but my own. I just don't feel like smiling. Not about the things that will never be or the way they are now. And lately I've been avoiding looking back. The good, the bad… It all makes my want to cry and I just won't spend the rest of my life crying. I won't be that girl, who falls apart, because she's alone. I'm a kayak… I'm a kayak…
I don't want to be a kayak anymore.
I tell myself I've moved on.
I have
I don't need him.
I don't even miss him. How wrong is that? That I married a man I don't even miss, now that he's gone. That I wore that heavy ring on my finger and tried so hard to convince mysef it was what I wanted. I didn't mind living that lie. But, he did. He refused to be second choice and try as I may, he would never rise beyond that position.
I don't need you.
I don't need anyone.
I lived years before I met you and I was fine. Happy. Content. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I didn't wonder about the distant future. I didn't wish for more than I already had. You taught me how to want it all, how to be selfish and expect a happily ever after. I hate you for that.
You, of all people, I've hurt.
The first man I stopped to consider, that my actions had consequences beyond myself. The first heat I broke that managed to break mine right in return.
Who hurt me.
Shattered beyond repair. Cold, with no prospect of warming up. Lost in a fight to keep going, without the answers I had learned to expect. No direction. Confused and trying not to look back… Harder to do than ever, because you were always there to remind me of what I would never have again.
Stay away.
You just make it all worse, when you smile and show me how happy you are with the way your life is now. That you might have waited eight years to have a chance with me, but that, in the end, I was a bonus you didn't mind losing.
Don't pretend it's nothing.
Don't wave. Or smile. Or tell me how I raised Rory so well. Don't tell me you bought a boat on a whim, but you couldn't bring yourself to marry me on June 3rd. Don't touch my shoulder that way. The way you used to, like nothing has happened this past year. So much happened. Nothing's changed, though. But my broken heart swept carelessly under the rug, being crushed constantly by your unaware feet.
Don't show me the color of your cap.
It's wrong. It's not blue like your eyes. It doesn't have meaning or history. I didn't give you that horrible black one. I guess you made a 'Lorelai' box and hid me away. I tried to do that too. I emptied my living room, changed all the sheets and towels, but I couldn't hide you away. Your presence lingered all around me, inside me and I can't…
Stay quiet.
Please. My name on your lips sound too right to be so wrong. Your deep voice envelopes me still and it fools me into believing you're still mine. Are you dating? With someone else? Wait… I don't wanna know. I'm not ready to give up… Not yet. Not anytime soon.
Don't go.
I don't know if we can do this again. If the possibility of something more is worth the pain we'll inevitably cause each other. If the future smiles can compensate for the tears we'll undoubtedly shed. If I can trust love will be enough. Is it? Can anyone say it with any kind of certainty? I can't… But I want to try. I want my middle with you. I want to argue over coffee and little things that'll never matter as much as the pleasure of making up afterwards. I want to wake up in your arms and feel warm; regardless of the time you'll surely drag me out of bed to go to work.
I want you.
The good, the bad, the ranting part of you, who cares too little. The quiet part of you, who cares too much. I want to be there on your dark day. I want to be the one to make you smile, even if I sometimes make you cry.
So, stay…
Give me another chance I don't deserve. Try with me. Fight with me to make this work forever. I want you to know everything about me and I want to know everything about you. When you die, I want to hear your voice coaching me on. When I die, I want you to know where the coupon drawer is.
It'll be hard. We'll feel like giving up one time or another. But I don't want to imagine life without you anymore and I'm willing to try, to forgive and forget the past and move on… With you. So, I ask you, please. Forgive my past and future mistakes. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. But in the end I am sure there's nothing better for my soul then yours.
Stay with me forever…
Just...
Stay.
Review, please. Maybe it will inspire me to write more. It's been to long since I posted anything...