Are You Staying?, a csi fanfic

Grissom has a talk with Sara

Jorja Fox has signed up to work for five episodes in season nine: will she stay for the rest of the season?

Note: Grillows fans will enjoy the first chapter: GSR fans will enjoy the second.

SPOILER!! I have seen a mixture of feelings to Jorja Fox's return to CSI next season. I personally hope she stays for the whole season, but the news has reported that she is signed on for only five episodes so there is a chance of her leaving Grissom altogether. Which (me being a GSR fan) sucks…

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If She Goes

Grissom sat down on the couch and placed his coffee on the table in front of him. He sighed with a heavy heart. Today was the day; the day Sara would decide if she would leave Las Vegas and him forever. They had decided quickly after Warrick died that Sara would have until the end of October to decide. Five months would be long enough. It had to be because Grissom's heart couldn't take any longer.

Sara came in the front door and looked at Grissom. Her face was solemn. Gil had his answer.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore." She said as she sat down on the couch. She could see in his face that Grissom was holding back vomit. "You know it's not because I don't love you."

"It's because I asked you, isn't it?" Gil asked. He could not look up at her. His eyes stared at the floor.

"Ask me what; to marry you?" Sara asked surprised but Gil nodded. "No. I love you, but I can't live with you anymore. I – I can't be around death anymore." Sara stared at Grissom begging him silently to look up at her.

"You're going to have to face death eventually." Gil responded.

"But I don't want to everyday. Don't you get a little depressed from it?" Sara asked. Gil sat in silence. Of course he did. But he had taught himself to push it away; so far away that his feelings could never be reached. Sara sighed.

"When you left, did you leave me too?" Grissom asked. He was now rocking back and forth gently to comfort himself.

"Yes. But at the time, I wasn't sure if it was forever. I thought it would be just a break." Sara answered honestly. Grissom inhaled. It was the first time in several moments. Tears began to fight their way threw.

"Are you staying in Vegas?" Grissom asked. Sara gently placed her hand on Grissom's shoulder. The tears began to fall.

"No." She stated simply.

"Fine" He replied. Grissom got up from his couch and headed for the kitchen. Sara got angry. How could he be okay with this? I'm having a hard time! Sara got up and followed Grissom into the kitchen.

"I can't do this. I can't be with a man that never expresses himself to me. That's why I'm leaving Gil. That's why." Sara explained. Grissom took a deep breath and turned to her. He gave her a look he had never given to anyone before. This look was dark and frightening. This was not Grissom.

"You think I didn't want to express myself!? I've wanted to ever since I've met you!" Grissom was now screaming. "You were the one that said, 'let's hide our relationship' you were the one who up and left and didn't call me for weeks at a time to tell me how you were feeling, if you were alright. Sara you can go and leave Vegas and leave me, just make sure that you're leaving because you could never be with me again, make sure you're not leaving just because of some job. Make sure you don't love me anymore!"

Grissom stepped closer and took Sara by her forearms. His grip wasn't hard, but he would not let her go until he had his answer.

"If I were to stay, I'd still be faced with death. You'd come home and tell me about work, or I'd ask about it and then I would get too hooked on it and I'd probably kill myself over it." Sara said defending herself.

"You're focusing on what might be. Sara I did that for how many years? And look what I did to us! I ruined years of our lives by not excepting that dinner offer with you. And look at where we are. We're engaged, we're in love. We're happy together." Grissom said.

"Yeah, look where we are, you're holding on to me begging me to stay in a place I'm not happy with. We're fighting for our own happiness, not each others. We're in a place where the only thing holding me back from walking out that door is your hands on my arms. Is this where you want to be Grissom?" Sara said carefully. She didn't yell; she was firm.

She knew what she wanted to do. "I think we were done months ago. I think once I realized that I couldn't resolve my problems with you, I knew. I love you Gil, but I can't be happy with you. Not anymore."

Gil looked down at the floor then up at her eyes. He took a long and deep look into her eyes and knew she was telling the truth. She was speaking from the heart. Gil let go of her arms but grabbed her hands just as she was about to turn.

"All I ever wanted was to be with you and make you happy. I'm always going to wonder what I did to make you sad. I'm always going to hate myself for it. You won't be with me but at least I'll know you're happy." Grissom said with a smile. His eyes cried out for Sara to come back into his arms, but his smile… His smile said he'd accepted her decision and was willing to let her go.

"I love you Sara Sidle. I always have and I always will." He said. Tears began to roll down Sara's cheeks. She looked back at him and said:

"All I ever wanted was someone who could be there for me in everyway. And for the longest time, you were there for me."

"I still am." Grissom interjected.

"But not in everyway." She answered, turned and left.

Grissom stood there until he nearly collapsed from exhaustion. He then got a bottle of bourbon off the shelf. They might not have lasted, and they might never get over one another, but at least they gave it a try. Shakespeare came to Grissom's mind: It is better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all. And with that, Grissom began to drink his cares away.

If She Stays

Sara came in the front door and looked at Grissom. Her face was solemn. Gil had his answer. Or, so he thought. Sara came to the couch and sat down. She had tears in her eyes.

"Hold me." was all she said. With that, Gil wrapped his arms around his wife and held her tightly for hours. They had dozed off for quite some time when Sara woke up. She looked over to her sleeping love and thought about everything she would need to be happy for the rest of her life:

She needed love. I've got that.

She'd need security. Even if I didn't continue being a CSI, I could always count on Gil to be there in a pinch.

She would need understanding. What Gil lacks in understanding, he more that makes up for in trying to understand.

And most of all Sara would need someone who could not only withstand her trying to sort out her feelings, but they would have to help sort them out with her. He wouldn't know what to do. But then again, I don't even know what to do. Maybe all I need is for him to learn and stand there with me. Maybe that's enough. That's all I could ask for.

Gil woke up with a yawn.

"Hi." He said simply. Sara smiled and said:

"Hi. If I needed you to help me sort everything out, could you do it?" Sara asked. Grissom thought long and hard for a few minutes. She knew that he was considering all aspects of what 'could you do it' meant. She meant not only helping her, but being able to withstand all the emotions. After a moment, he nodded.

"Yes. I may not understand your feelings, but I'm willing and able to help you with them. Just tell me how." Grissom offered. Sara nodded, taking in his proposal.

"Good, cause I've got A LOT of feelings." She said jokingly. Grissom smiled and Sara giggled. It was good to be near all back. She'd missed her friends and her love but she has really missed herself.

"Are you staying? You know, with CSI?" Gil asked, testing the waters. Sara responded with a smile:

"For as long as I can. And with you helping me, I know, that's going to be a long time."