Without You
David Rossi's fingers fumbled over his rosary beads, praying silently, and not only for the woman on the table in the next room. He was praying for the man behind him who hadn't sat down since it happened. Who paced the halls like a man lost, eyes darting to and fro and lighting on nothing. Who forgot to breathe until it was absolutely necessary. Who couldn't look at any of them because he was lost in his own mind. Unlike the others, Dave knew exactly what was going on behind Hotch's immovable glower. On the inside, the man was falling apart.
Hotch and Haley weren't going to make it. Dave had been through three failed marriages of his own; he knew the signs, and that it wouldn't be long now. It broke his heart for his friend. At least in his own divorces, he hadn't had to consider the idea of being separated from a beloved child. In any event, the stress of a dying marriage was intolerable; it had to be eating away at his very soul. But at least Aaron had found some small comfort in Penelope Garcia.
Dave had seen it all play out before. Dammit, he'd lived it before. Wife at home, giving you holy hell over the job, making you miserable and lonely in the one place a man should feel safe and loved – and at work, another woman, who understands why you need to be gone so much, that you're like a soldier protecting people from horrors they can't even imagine, and who makes you feel cared for and appreciated. For Dave, those other women had been a series of affairs, most of which meant nothing and came with no strings attached. But, then, he hadn't had a Garcia.
He knew she was different the moment he met her. Unapologetically unique, she flounced her curvaceous frame around the office swathed in colors bright enough to land a 747 on a dark night, and her personality was always kicked into overdrive. It was a protective maneuver, of course – like animals in nature who evolved vibrant feathers or scales as a warning not to get too close – but beneath the sassy fashionista shield was a gentle heart that softened every one she touched, and at great risk, because her own was so fragile. Already, the girl had made some healthy chinks in his cynical armor, but that was nothing compared to what she'd done to Hotch.
He probably thought that Rossi, like the others, wouldn't notice how expressive his eyes became when she was near, or that twitch in his lips that, on better days, might precede a smile. He probably took it for granted that everyone reacted to Garcia this way; that no one would suspect his reactions were any different from their own. But Dave knew better. Oh, he'd never have an affair with her or even hint at his feelings; Aaron was way too uptight and honorable for that. But he loved her. Deeply. Protectively. Other than his son, she was probably his only joy.
And now she was dying.
When he'd first arrived at the hospital, Dave had made a beeline for Hotch. He could have asked JJ for the news, but he needed to see how his friend was doing. To see if he could even speak. "What do we know?"
"Police think it was a botched robbery," Aaron reported tightly. He wouldn't say more when JJ was close, but Rossi got him alone and cornered him.
"What are you not saying?"
Instantly, Hotch's face changed, betraying for a few brief seconds all the worry and fear Dave knew was inside. "I spoke to one of the paramedics that brought her in. It doesn't look good."
Rossi's chest clenched. Holy Mary, Mother of God. Already, he was beginning a prayer in his mind: Compassionate St. Anthony, you are called the "Miracle Worker" by those who have been blessed by your special friendship. I ask you to look with favor on Garcia, who is weak and failing…
"Morgan's phone keeps going straight to voicemail," Reid spoke up.
Emily's face twisted. "Where is he?" she charged, echoing his own thoughts.
Rossi looked at Aaron for his reaction. Sure enough, it was doubly stern, and his arms were folded to contain his fury. Morgan, beware the wrath of Hotch, he thought. The unit chief might never forgive his subordinate agent for not being there now, knowing how much Garcia thought of him.
This can't happen. She has to make it. She has to. The world can't afford to lose someone like Penelope. We can't afford to lose her. And if Hotch loses her… it'll destroy him.
When Morgan finally arrived, Rossi could tell that Aaron was exercising every bit of his considerable restraint not to punch him. His face was deceptively calm as he told Derek there were no leads, but his nails were digging into his suit to keep his arms folded across his chest.
The doctor came out a minute later and reported the good news – that, miraculously, the bullet had missed her heart. Penelope would live. She would be able to leave the hospital in a few days. Dave exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. She made it. Thank you, God. Immediately, everyone turned to Hotch, who looked as though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.
"David and I will go to the scene," he announced almost instantly, resuming the leadership mantle; doubtless, it was easier to wear than that of 'worried, protective man.' "I think the rest of you should be here when she wakes up. I don't care about protocol; I don't care whether we're officially working this or not. We don't touch any new cases until we find out who did this." Only now did his iron-tight arms relax and drop to his sides.
As they were leaving, Dave glanced over at him. He knew why they were the ones going. Obviously, he'd left the agents closest to Penelope there to comfort her when she awoke, the friendliest faces to ask her the necessary questions. Rossi had known her the least amount of time, giving him the least biased perspective, and Hotch himself could only do one of two things – stand there restlessly, silently, uselessly, or put himself to work making sure that she was safe in the long-term. But Dave also wondered if he was leaving because he didn't trust himself. That, after coming this close to losing her forever, he might say something in a moment of relief that couldn't be taken back.
"You said the lead detective didn't think we'd get anything from the scene," Dave reminded him in the elevator.
"I need to see it for myself," Aaron replied, unconsciously flexing his fists at his sides. "And you have the freshest eyes. I need your head in this."
Because your head is still upstairs with Blondie, he thought, although he would never say that. "Absolutely. And Aaron? She's going to be fine. You can breathe now."
Hotch exhaled noisily, his shoulders visibly dropping. "Sorry."
"Don't be. We're all shaken up. But we'll get the guy who did this. That's a promise." They walked out to the truck and climbed in; Hotch didn't even offer to let Rossi drive. Clearly, he was a man on a mission.
As he drove, Hotch visibly began to calm himself. Dave's heart went out to him. The immediate danger was over – Penelope was alive – but they had to find out who did this, not only for her safety, but for the unit chief's peace of mind. There would be no rest for him until then.
*LL*
A tarp was pulled over the downed body of Jason Clark Battle, covering the bullet hole in the head that had ended him. Dave reclined on a desk next to Hotch, relieved it was finally over. Morgan stood with them, while across the bullpen, Penelope was hugging her savior, JJ.
Rossi asked Derek about his faith, distracting him momentarily while Hotch stole a glance at the women and almost smiled. Morgan said his faith was day to day, and strode off. Dave grinned at Hotch, but the stoic agent's smile had already faded, and his stricken gaze was fixed on the far side of the room.
What the hell? Dave turned and looked over his shoulder, his stomach sinking as he did. Oh, no. Penelope was holding hands with that nerdy guy Kevin and smiling, while said nerd's bespectacled eyes boggled as though he'd won first prize in the lotto. It wasn't a terribly surprising development, given Kevin's wide-eyed wonder a few days earlier at the crazy things Garcia kept on her hard drive, but he knew it had cut a fresh mark into Aaron's heart.
It was an irrational feeling that only a man could understand, but he understood it well. This meant that when the inevitable came, Penelope wouldn't be free to comfort him, to hold him, to teach him to smile again. She would be chained to someone else, as he was now, out of reach. His heart was already lost; now, so was his hope.
Realizing Dave was watching him, Aaron's face masked over, hiding the pain that had been there a moment ago. "I think we've done all we can do here. I'm going to call it a night."
"Okay," Rossi nodded. "Good night." As he watched the tall, dark-haired agent exit the glass doors, deliberately keeping his chin turned away, a pang of pity overwhelmed him. He knew no one would be waiting when he got home. Maybe it was better that way. These last few months it would have been Haley there waiting, expressing some empty sentiment about how she was glad they stopped the unsub, then railing at him about how he needed to spend more time at home. She'd accuse him of being more devoted to his team than her, followed by a demand that he sleep on the couch. Dave had heard the same shtick before, from all three wives, right before they packed their bags and sicced their lawyers on his ass. And, if Haley was anything like his exes, she already had a backup plan in place, taking comfort in some other man's arms while Aaron was out saving the world.
Maybe it'll all work out in the end, Dave thought sympathetically. I sure hope so. He deserves better than this.
*LL*
A Few Days Later
"Your flowers have lasted really well," Kevin commented, looking over the handsome row of bouquets the team had sent to her while she was in the hospital.
"Yeah. Emily told me to put Sprite in the water. Who would have thought?" Garcia grinned. "You know, in all the craziness, I haven't even read the cards yet?"
He chuckled. "Some friend you are."
"Hey!" she gasped, smacking his arm. "Just for that, I'm putting you to work, smart-aleck. While I whip us up some brownies, you, sir, are going to read my cards to me."
"Slave driver," Kevin grumbled playfully. He got the smallest one first, a little basket of yellow mums. "Okay, here we go. Ahem. 'Missing your sunshine. Feel better soon. We love you! Emily and JJ.'"
"Aw! How sweet," Garcia beamed. "Next!"
Kevin retrieved the card from some orange flowers he didn't recognize. "This one's from Morgan. 'Heal up quick, hot stuff, you know I can't make it around here without you.' Really?"
She snickered, pouring the mix into a bowl. "That's Derek, all right. Read the next one."
Making a face, Kevin pulled cards from the last two – a bright basket of carnations, and a tall, elegant vase of stargazer lilies and lilac roses. "Okay. This one's from Rossi and Reid. 'We miss your smile – and your brain. Get better soon, Garcia!' And, I guess this one is from your boss." He adjusted his glasses and looked up sharply, seeing her back was turned while she stirred. "Um, 'Get well soon. Best regards, SSA Hotchner.'"
Garcia giggled, not turning around. "Oh, Hotch. All business and no play."
"Yeah. He terrifies me," Kevin admitted. "He's so… serious. And tall."
"He's a good guy, Kevin," she said over her shoulder. "You just have to get to know him."
"How well do you know him?" her fellow tech analyst wondered.
Penelope thought about that. "Well… I'm not sure if anybody can really know Hotch. He's super reserved. Doesn't talk about his feelings, ever. I guess you'd say he's the strong, silent type. Believes in keeping things totally professional. But he's got a good heart."
"Right. I could see that." Beneath the counter, Kevin crumpled the card against his palm and shoved it into the trash bin before she could notice. Only he would know the card had read in a southpaw scrawl, There is no BAU without you. We need you, Penelope. Come back to us. Hotch. "Hey, can I lick the bowl?"
***LL***
DISCLAIMER: If you recognize it, I don't own it. I don't own Criminal Minds, I don't own the characters, and I don't own the lines from episode 3x09 Penelope. I just borrowed them, at the insistence of a very persistent plot bunny that wouldn't shut up until I wrote this.
A/N: Woops! After going back over the episode timeline, I realized Haley would have already been gone. The mistake has been corrected. Sorry about that!