Summary-
'If I say I like it than I'm just another cheerleader. But if I say I hate it then I'm either a liar or a fraud. Either way I loose.'
Peyton's lying to everyone, including herself. The fear of reliving her past and the pressure that high school brings create a brand new Peyton, hiding the real Peyton that is hurting beneath. Why is it the only person who can uncover the real Peyton and possibly save her from hurting herself is the last person she wants to have anything to do with?
Set way back in the beginning.
A/N- Hey guys, Lexii here!
I had recently been re-watching One Tree Hill and this idea just sort of sprung to mind.
I hope you enjoy and please review and tell me what you think! (:
Disclaimer- I own nothing of One Tree Hill- or lyrics used from Missy Higgins or Whipers. :(
Chapter 1- I Don't Know Who I am.
'Okay Peyton, girly girl cheerleader mode on.' Peyton muttered to herself as she stepped out of the car, abruptly pulling her cheerleading skirt down. In her opinion this thing they were forced to wear was too uncomfortable and too revealing, but hey; it's what the guys want. It's what Nathan wanted.
That's all her life seemed to be nowadays, what other people wanted, never what she wanted. Hell, if it was up to her she never would have even bothered to try out for the cheer team, Brooke practically dragged her kicking and screaming to the try outs and for some unwanted miracle she actually made it on the team.
Cheerleading, gossiping and wearing 'slutty' clothing wasn't really Peyton at all. She'd honestly prefer to just lay back by herself, wrapped layered in layers of leather, denim and miscellaneous band t-shirts while pumping her favourite new album on the highest possible volume and expressing herself through one of her twisted meaningful artworks.
That was the real Peyton. Not this bitchy high school cheerleader zombie chick.
But at her last school being the Peyton Sawyer she really was didn't really work out that well.
-x-
The constant tormenting off all the other students at her old school still haunts her to this day. Every single day they would somehow manage to make her life a living hell, to the point where Peyton was so close to giving up.
Some days she would just skip school entirely, or just hide deep in the library trying to get away from everyone. She could try and avoid them as much as she wanted; but it didn't help escape the echoes and laughter from all the other students.
Rumours and insults flowed through the school like wind.
It was impossible to escape.
Peyton felt so alone. She had no-one to tell about all the heartache and pain she was feeling inside. She just bottled it up, trying to bury it deep within. But all the pain was just too much too handle.
There was not one single day that went by that Peyton did not cry. Sometimes she would cry to the point where her eyes burned and she simply couldn't cry anymore.
Even when Peyton broke down at school infront of everyone did the tormenting stop?
Never.
Did they realise just how much their words were affecting Peyton?
Of course not.
It only gave them more ammunition to use against her.
Who knew how much words could hurt?
It was as if it was a game, a game to see how long Peyton would last before she finally decided to give up and finally killed herself.
At one point she was so close to it.
Drowning her sorrows in a bottle of vodka, she grabbed the car keys and drove. She had no idea where she was going or how she even managed to stay on the road for over twenty minutes considering she could barely see straight. The lights on the road ceased as Peyton struggled to keep focus on the road ahead. Her last remaining image that is now permanently etched into her mind was the unforgettable shape of large tree truck.
She awoke two days later in a bright hospital room.
Alone.
She was so scared; so confused.
But what hurt even more than the pounding in her head or the scratches and wounds that overtook her body was the fact that no-one even bothered to call, visit or at the very least send a bloody 'Get Well Soon' card.
But then again who was there?
All those wonderful people from her school who spent their life making hers a misery? Or her dead mother who left her so long ago she could barely remember what she looked like? Or how about her beloved father who left her alone for months at a time with only an occasional email or phone call?
She was so alone.
It was like she was stuck in a round room with no doors, spiralling into a deep depression, far away from her sanity.
When her father finally arrived back home after hearing about Peyton's accident she finally confessed on how much emotional pain she was feeling, how much all the bullying was killing her on the inside. That's when he generally decided to relocate to Tree Hill. Payton's father stayed by his fragile daughter's side for a few short weeks, until he once again left her all alone.
Tree Hill was a fresh start for Payton. She vowed she would never again suffer through all that emotional pain again, simply for being 'different.' She'd rather blend into the shadows than attract that kind of negative attention again.
Never again.
-x-
Peyton traced around the thick leather band that was tied around her left wrist, hiding who she used to be. Sure she could change her appearance and fake out her whole life, but she couldn't fake the scars.
'P! Hey P!' called out a loud bubbly voice from behind her, interrupting her thoughts from her previous life. Peyton knew that voice from anywhere; Brooke.
Fake smile activate.
'Hey Brooke!' Too much enthusiasm. Crap.
'Well isn't someone just chirpy today?' Brooke laughed, her smile grinning from ear to ear.
How can she make it look so god dam easy?!
'Oh you know me, chirpy chirpy!'
Chirpy chirpy? Seriously Peyton? Seriously?
'Uh, okay? We better get inside the game's about to start!' Brooke announced, looping her arm in Peyton's and dragged her into the gymnasium.
Oh the joy…
-x-
'GO RAVENSSSSSSSS!'
The crowd erupted in cheers as the basketball landed swift and smoothly into the basketball ring.
Another win for the Ravens.
'Thankgod that's over…' Peyton muttered through her fake, plastered smile as she shook the blue and white pom poms over her head in sync with her fellow cheermates in celebration for the win.
Once the crowd had ceased and she saw people were beginning to leave she quickly gathered her things and attempted to leave before someone invited her to some super awesome party in which she just 'couldn't afford to miss.'
She weaved through the remaining crowd of people, heaving her gym bag over her shoulder as she made her way to the gymnasium door. One hand rested on the cold door and she began to push it open, letting in a small breeze of air.
Freedom.
'Peyton! Hey Peyton!'
You have got to be kidding me!
Peyton swung around, with her usual fake smile frozen on her face.
'Hey Nathan!' she greeted, landing a short kiss on his lips.
No passion whatsoever.
Perfect Boyfriend, perfect life. She snorted in her head. That's how it basically worked in high school. Get the JOCK;
No, get the HOTTEST JOCK;
Wait no, get the HOTTEST JOCK EVERY GIRL WANTS and then you'll be happy.
Yeah Bullshit.
You fight because he did something stupid? Ignore it. You're better off with him anyway.
You fight because YOU did something stupid? Apologise. You're better off with him anyway.
He doesn't even know the real you. What you like to do. What you like to eat. So? You're better off with him anyway.
The last one made Peyton giggle. No one knew the real her. Then she froze, when she realised SHE didn't even know the real her anymore. Peyton had become someone else. She sacrificed practically everything that made her her.
'Hey Payton, you alright?' Nathan's voiced asked, breaking her out of her sudden realisation.
Crap! Need an excuse. A GOOD excuse
'Y-yeah I'm fine… Just tired you know? Haven't been feeling too well lately.'
Ahh, the sudden sickness. Works everytime.
'Well, me and the other guys are having a party to celebrate another win, wanna come?' Nathan beamed, obviously proud of yet another win.
Seriously, another party? What makes this one different to all the other ones she had been too? Drinking, dancing and making out. They were all the same.
'Uh, I would, except for the fact that I'm really tired and sick, like I just said….'
'Oh okay, cool. I'll see ya 'round then?' Nathan disembarked, landing another kiss on Peyton's lips.
Another completely passionless kiss.
Wow, she actually managed to get away with it. Usually it was like ten times harder to get off with an 'I'll see ya round' maybe she was just getting better at lying, to not only Nathan but to herself.
She began nibbling at her bottom lip, deep in thought, questioning how these people would react if she just rocked up one day at school pumping her latest rock album dressed in her favourite ripped skinny jeans, Converses and band tee, instead of her usual bootleg, high heels and colourful blouse.
Peyton liked to describe her school and going out wardrobe as if a girly rainbow had spewed on it.
Secretly Peyton had hoped everyone would welcome in the real Peyton. Especially Brooke. Brooke was Peyton's first real friend. Brooke was the first person who actually made Peyton feel welcomed and actually wanted, as if Peyton actually mattered and was not just a piece of dirt.
Wait… am I even allowed to call her my REAL bestfriend? Our relationship was based entirely on lies- only my lies. Would she even of talked to me if I first came to school as the real me?
But even if there was the slightest chance they would accept her, she wasn't anywhere near ready to risk it. Even after living in Tree Hill for over a year Peyton was nowhere near ready to take a chance and possibly go back to how things used to be. For once in her life she felthappy; well, happier than she has felt in a long time.
Peyton threw her gym bag into the back seat of her car and collapsed into the driver's seat, immediately dropping her fake smile.
Oh my god my cheeks are killing me.
She vigorously shook her hair out of the ponytail, letting her trademark blonde curls fall loosely around her face as she breathed out a deep breath of air she didn't realise she had been holding in. Sometimes she found it so stressful constantly trying to keeping up this act, trying to keep up this lie.
Peyton disregarded the thoughts of her previous life and 'what ifs' as she turned the key in the ignition and drove off back home, where she could finally be herself; whoever that was anymore.
-x-
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've become.
Peyton glared at the radio.
Really?
'Cos I don't know who I am.
Next.
I don't know what I am
So just go put on another sham
What do you do when you're always subjected
What do you do when you're always neglected
Oh you have got to be kidding me!
Peyton desperately looked through the large number of CDs that were trashed around her car. She needed something loud, not songs that reminded her of well, everything.
She turned and reached around the backseat looking into for one CD in particular.
Eyes on the road Peyton! Her conscious reminded her.
'Shit!' she screeched as she whipped back around just in time to see the lone figure walking across the road. Peyton hit down on the breaks; hard. But it wasn't soon enough. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as the figure collided with the car and disappeared from Peyton's view.
Peyton sat in shock for a few seconds. Her heart raced in her chest as her mind tried to make sense of what had just happened. He knuckles turned white from the force she was using to grip onto the steering wheel. She panted as she shook herself from her state of shock and she then got out of the car and ran around to the front.
'Oh my god are you okay?!' she screamed as she knelt down by the hooded figure.
There was no answer.
Oh please God no.
Peyton gently shook the hooded figure. 'Are you okay?!' she repeated, more distraughtly.
'Ughh…' was the reply she got.
Oh thank God, at least he's not dead.
'I am so sorry! How are you feeling?' she asked more gently.
'Like I got hit by a bloody car…' he muttered, rolling himself over to face the person who hit him.
'Oh. It's you.' Peyton said, her voice bitter and full of unintentional sarcasm.
Out of all people in Tree Hill you had to hit him? She swore at herself. Your boyfriend's hated and disowned brother. Nice one Peyton.
'Well sorry you were too busy not paying attention to the road.' He spat back.
Touché.
'Look I'm sorry. You're not seriously hurt are you?' she asked with genuine concern.
'Think it's just a bruise.' He replied flatly, trying to heave himself up.
Peyton stood up and offered her hand. 'Here.'
He hesitantly took her hand and lifted himself up.
'Lucas.' He introduced flatly.
'I know… Peyton.'
'I know.' He smiled; she couldn't help but smile back.
'Are you sure you're okay?' Peyton asked, once again, while dropping her smile. 'You don't need to go to hospital do you?' she quivered.
'Nah, like I said, just a bruise.'
'Okay then…' Dude, you just hit him with your car, least you could do is offer him a lift?! Peyton rolled her eyes at her inner thoughts. 'Do you need a lift?'
'Nah, I'll be alright.'
Oh well, I tried. 'Okay, I'll see you 'round.' Peyton replied walking back and sitting back down in the driver's seat of the car.
Lucas ignored her as he looked around for his basketball that had disappeared when he got hit by the car. He saw it nestled on the opposite side of the road in a few bushes. Ignoring the searing pain that was shooting up his leg, he made his way over to retrieve it, telling his leg to walk at least semi-normal, just until Peyton left.
That didn't really work out that well.
He hobbled over to the basketball as if he was an old man missing his cane. Just drive away Peyton, just drive away. He muttered to himself as he felt himself limping. Lucas was convinced that if she was going out with Nathan she was probably some bitch he didn't want to have any sort of connection with.
Peyton watched from the car as Lucas limped over to the other side of the road. He's Nathan's brother Peyton. Everybody hates him, you're meant to too. Just drive away Peyton, just drive away. That's what this bitchy high school cheerleader zombie version of her would have done, but that wasn't her. She's been in his situation, she knew how much it hurt to be teased and tormented and be hated by pretty much everyone, it hurt.
'Get in.' she called from the open window.
Lucas spun around. 'Huh?'
'I said Get. In.' she repeated, slower this time, as if she were talking to a young child.
'I'm fine.' Lucas replied blankly. Hell he would have killed for a ride, but it was with her. He knew there was something up. In his experience these cheerleaders don't just suddenly become nice.
Peyton stepped out of the car, slightly pissed off. 'Oh my god. Honestly. Just get in the bloody car! What do you think I'm going to do? Dump your ass on the side of a random road for you to find your own way back?'
Maybe…. 'Do I even have a choice?'
She crossed her arms infront of her, a stern look etched into her face. 'No.'
Lucas sighed and looked down the very, very long road ahead of him, while feeling the surge of pain from his leg. 'Okay.' He said bluntly, picking up his basketball and hobbling his way back over to the car.
Peyton smiled. That's dam right you'll take the lift. She walked over to Lucas and wrapped one of her arm underneath his, offering to aid support as he limped towards the car.
'What are you doing?' Lucas hesitantly asked.
'What does it look like I'm doing? I'm helping you.'
'You don't have to…'
'Dude, I hit you with my car, it's the least I could do.'
Lucas plopped down into the passenger's seat as Peyton made her way back over to the driver's side.
Well this shall be interesting. Both Peyton and Lucas' inner thoughts muttered in sync.
Why is she being so nice? Lucas asked himself. Never has he received this much positive attention from someone like her. Lucas tried his best to stay away from people like them.
But Peyton didn't seem like the typical stereotype of a popular teenage girl that he knew. He knew there was something more to her, something more for him to discover. Something that she had been hiding from the world, but what, Lucas wasn't too sure of.
Sure now all Lucas suffered through was just mainly a few insults thrown here or there, nothing too dramatic. Lucas knew that if he stayed away from them, they would stay away from him.
But Lucas knew it could get ten times worse if Nathan wanted it to.
And falling for Nathan's girlfriend wasn't really a good start.
A/N- I just wanted to point out that the line taken from Missy Higgins' song Where I Stood-
'Or if I like what I've become' is incorrect. I knew the line was actually 'Or if I like what I've begun.' But I thought that become would fit in better with what I'm trying to portray of Peyton. No hate please!
Honest opinions?
Any ideas?
Don't hesitate! Do tell!
I'll update A.S.A.P, I guarantee there will be at least one more chapter up, but please review! Especially if you want more chapters considering this was only meant to be a One-shot. (:
-Thanks Lexii xo