09:03
The song is called 'My immortal,' by evanescence. Listen to it. It nearly made me cry with it's lyrics. Try listening to it while reading, I guess. Because that's how I felt.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Coz your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Allen glared at the empty bed that he was sleeping in. He squeezed his eye's shut, refusing to allow himself to dwell in memories. Yet how could he not? He could almost still smell his presence lingering on the pillow next to him.
It had been 5 months since he last seen him…
Everyday had been an effort, getting up to take a bath… His exorcist duties… Everything. He simply didn't have the energy to. His mind was never on the task that he saw before him. He would look emptily into space, his food left untouched on the table.
Each time a new mission would come, he would never grasp it tightly like he did before. He would never care even if the innocence slipped from his grasp. And perhaps it was the fact that Allen tried so hard – too hard – that it broke the hearts of people around him.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
He would be sent to hospital, having retrieved the innocence, but losing more of his heart on the way. He would lie there, conscious but yet unconscious. He sometimes could still hear his voice. Telling him to move on. Telling him that he had loved him…
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
'I love you… moyashi…'
Allen couldn't help it. He could still hear it… in every waking hour of his life… He could hear that voice. His tears cascaded down his face, landing onto the pillow he was lying on.
'I love you…'
Chocked sobs escaped from the boy, and he finally let himself break. Clutching the pillow, he finally let the suppressed emotions fall forward. 'Kanda…' he whispered. The word tasted salty on his tongue, unused but not forgotten.
He buried his head into the pillow and sobbed harder.
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
Lenalee and Lavi were both worried out of their minds. They knew that they shouldn't have let Allen go to his funeral… But they couldn't have restrained him. They also knew that they should have told him earlier.
The petals that lay in the jar had been withering so fast. The curse had come to take what was rightfully it's; Kanda's life.
They had know it. They had known it for months before it happened. But every time one of them gathered up courage, they would see Allen's beaming smile, and they would let him be. Just watching as Allen would shyly slip a hand into Kanda's.
Then, they would all watch as Kanda's lips would curl into a soft smile… just for Allen. For no one but him…
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
The tear's grew in amount as they trickled down. 5 months… Why couldn't he just accept that Kanda was never coming back. Why does every whisper of breath that come out of his mouth have to be so strained.
He was drowning. He was drowning in his own tears. He couldn't erase any of his sensations. His chaste touch. His soft words. His long hair… His hard, yet kind eyes. There was so much of him that he still wanted to taste. He still wanted them.
He still wanted him…
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Even in the bumpy bits of their relationship… when Kanda erupted into fury every time Allen had tried to be the hero and saved him from varying dangers. 'Stop trying to be the hero, you idiot,' he would growl, while at the same time holding him in his arms.
Allen would then feel contentment, being held in that pair of arms.
He wished for it now. He wished he could be held by Kanda once again, to breathe in the metallic scent of his sword… To breathe in him. He wanted… so many things. How he wished to taste those lips again.
I tried so hard to tell myself that your gone,
But though you're still with me, I've been all alone all along
No matter how many times he willed himself to believe that he really was gone. That he'll never come back. To get over it.
After all, how many bitter tears have been shed over this? How long will this continue? Why couldn't he just forget about it? Shouldn't scars all disappear with time? Shouldn't he have gotten over this? Like all the others?
Yet he knew that these questions have already been answered. The ever hated God had taken him away. He will never come back. And… the tears will continue as long as he lived. Between them, Allen cracked a tiny smile.
Yes, he missed him. Yes, he will never forget. And yes, the pain will stay. But he had to move on, didn't he?
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me, me
Of course. Moving on. Perhaps…?
'Kanda…' he whispered.
'Wait for me…'