Artemis Fowl and Hannah Montana: The Assassin

Chapter One: The Pros and Cons of Wearing a Blonde Wig

I, Miley Stewart do not like planes. Not at all. It isn't because of the disgusting plane food, or sitting down for hours and hours on end. Not, it was the fact that I have to sit next to Jackson for the entire trip. ARGHH!! But on this particular plane trip, it was worse, if that was possible. All I heard coming from the seats behind me were announcements of: "I love you Ollipop" and "I love you too Lillipop". The amount of times I almost puked was ginormous.

Anyway, I didn't like this plane trip, and it made it worse that I had to sit through it in my Hannah wig. Just spoil a perfectly good chance to get my hair straightened, Daddy.

I turned up the volume on my movie to drown out the sounds of Lily and Oliver in the background. Blaurgh, sometimes I wish I hadn't been in Indiana Joanie and the Curse of the Golden Cobra so I could have avoided them getting together. No, I don't regret it; they are meant for one another, even if it's really awkward for me. I still can't believe they even admitted that they liked Radiohead and Coldplay more than Hannah Montana. It's like liking a band over half of their best friend. Though, I have to admit, I'm with Lilly with the whole Radiohead being better than Coldplay though, no offense to Oliver or anything.

Well, as you are reading this, you are probably wondering what I, my friends, family and my Hannah Montana wig are doing on a plane. Well, we are going to the magical land of leprechauns and their gold. That's right; Hannah Montana is going to Ireland!

When we FINALLY landed, I quickly pulled my extra stinky brother to his feet and out of the plane. I had to have either him or dad to go round an airport apparently and I didn't feel like getting grounded while in Ireland.

"Come on, Jackson," I whined, I mean said angelically as I lead him from the first class cabin.

"I'm sorry, Hannah, if I want to finish my ice cream sundae!" he said, shoving the melted ice cream into his mouth.

"Ewww!" I said. "That was from last month!" Jackson shrugged, ice cream melted all around his mouth.

"And what's wrong with that?"

"It's gross!" I exclaimed, wondering how he got month old ice cream on the plane in the first place. Weirdly, Lilly and Oliver were right behind us when we left the plane. Dad led us out of the plane, in a bit of a huff because he had just got a text message from Uncle Earl saying that my fantastic uncle was going to look after our house. And he wouldn't back down from it. I just prayed that he wouldn't find his way into my Hannah closet. No need for him to mess that room up. He would probably end up pulling all of the clothes out of the revolving wardrobe and using it as a merry-go-round or something. And he may even try on the Hannah clothes. I shuddered, turning to my Dad.

"Uncle Earl doesn't know where my Hannah closet is, right Dad?" I asked. Dad looked quite confused for a second.

"I don't think so, but I guess we'll find out when we get home." I then leant towards his ear so none of the other passengers would hear.

"When can I take the wig off?"

"I don't know, darling. Just bear with it for a couple more hours, we'll take it off when we get to the house."

We were renting a house that was somewhere in the vicinity of Dublin. The house was huge, or I hoped it was. What I had seen from the pictures, it looked pretty big.

I grudgingly followed my Dad to get my bags from the bag collecting area. Two more hours, I kept on telling myself, two more hours. Dad isn't one to muck around in an airport, so we were in a limo, heading to the house in less than twenty minutes, thanks to Hannah Montana. All I had to do was sign a few photographs and smile for the camera a few times and we were on our way.

The trip was longer than I thought, by the time we reached the house, it was already getting dark and Lilly had fallen asleep on Oliver, not that he minded. I on the other hand spent it watching Jackson pour Coke into the ice dispenser to see if it made Coke flavoured ice. The volatile liquid that came out put me off Coke for a life time. So I drank lemonade, lots and lots of lemonade. Let's just say that when we got to the house, the first thing I saw was the bathroom.

Once I had removed myself from there however, I got to see the house. Dad was right, it was huge. There were six bedrooms, three bathrooms, three studies and well- you get the idea. But this house was nothing appeared to the next door neighbours. Their house was MASSIVE and when I say massive, I mean massive. It was at least twice the size of the house we were in.

"That's Fowl Manor," said Dad, while chewing on at least four cherries at once. I raised my eyebrows.

"Mmm," I said, pulling my wig off.

"It houses the smartest person in Europe," he said.

"Dad, do I care that some smart old guy lives next door? No, I don't," I said, brushing my real hair.

"And he's 17." I stopped brushing, leaving my brush hanging from my hair.

"What?"

"I said that the boy is seventeen, he brought us some cherries. Maybe you should go and talk to him some time." I started brushing again.

"No thanks, Daddy. I don't talk to random guys because they're 'nice'," I said. Dad sighed.

"And he seemed such a well brought up boy when he rode over here before," he said.

"He rode a bike?" I asked.

"No, Artemis rode a horse," Dad replied. I stopped and stared at him.

"Daddy who was talking about a hot rich say what?"

"I never said he was hot," he said.

"Well, he's a guy, he's a guy right? I asked, just as Lilly and Oliver entered the room.

"Did you hear about the guy next door?" Lilly asked.

"The guy with the weird name?" Lilly nodded.

"Do you guys wanna go round and see him?" she asked. Oliver shrugged.

"Alright." We were just about to walk out the front door when Mr When-I-Was-A-Boy stopped us.

"Kids, don't you think you need your beauty sleep, Hannah has a big concert tomorrow night and you don't want to have trouble staying awake."

"But Daddy…"

"Don't 'but Daddy' me. When I was a boy we went to bed at seven thirty every night…" I couldn't be bothered listening to the rest, there really wasn't any point.

"Well, Goodnight Daddy," I said, though I knew he wasn't listening. If Daddy wanted Hannah to get some beauty sleep, then beauty sleep was what Hannah was getting…or not…

"JACKSON!" I yelled, after an hour of listen to Jackson playing Guitar Hero on full volume. "Turn down the TV!"

"Sorry Hannah," he mocked. "I forgot that you need your beauty sleep, otherwise you're like Medusa in the morning." I growled under my breath and put the pillow around my ears, and by some strange miracle, I managed to get to sleep- my dreams haunted by hot guys on horses eating month old ice cream and singing endless refrains of 'Lollipop, lollipop ooh lolly, lolly, lolly lollipop."

Next chapter: Remind Me Again Why I Have to Go to the Hannah Montana Concert?