AN: I rewrote this recently because I first wrote it in high school (yikes!). So I hope you enjoy this version better because I sure do.
-TFJ
Warnings for sexual content and a faint mention of sexual assault, but nothing graphic.
He feels an aching desperation as he begs for something harder and quicker, and he soon realizes that he's begging for pain. It's not exactly the ideal, but at least it's something. Levi's beginning to feel on odd fondness for pain. He hopes that doesn't make him a masochist, but every member of the Survey Corps, the dumb shits who willingly go outside the Walls, can be considered a masochist if he thinks about it long enough.
"Erwin, c'mon," he mutters, knowing he now sounds truly desperate.
Unfortunately, their dumb shit commander is no sadist, least of all with him. Still, Erwin's the only person Levi can stomach doing this with. They both have needs, and no matter how many years have passed, they just consistently work. Not that Erwin was his first, not by a longshot. It was much easier to get the kind of intimacy he was looking for in the Underground, where fighting and fucking weaved together so seamlessly that you sometimes forgot which one you were supposed to be doing. But anyone who's tried to blur the line with him or someone he knew are surely sworn to celibacy now.
Still, being with Erwin was at first an adjustment. He's thoughtful and gentle, sometimes annoyingly gentle. He's so gentle that it makes Levi forget himself, and those other feelings use his weakness as a chance to try and take over. These feelings - love, if he dares to call them that - are as dangerous as the titans, equally dangerous for them both. Not only would the higher-ups have a fit, but if you want to get someone killed, give him something to die for.
He needs to stop fooling himself. They've done this countless times. It's desire, that's all. Erwin loves his body, nothing else.
Still, Erwin refuses to cause him more pain than pleasure. A little's unavoidable, especially the first few times they were together, when they were still trying to figure out each other's bodies. It's effortless now, straightforward, smooth, and sometimes rough - Erwin's certainly not a grandpa - but he doesn't want Levi limping in the morning. And they say chivalry's dead.
Something else strange about being with Erwin: he cries. Occasionally, it's right in the middle of everything. His eyes will fill with tears and he'll push himself off of Levi to one side of the bed, raking his hands through his hair and muttering how he doesn't think he can keep going. Levi is bad at comforting, so he'll simply let Erwin get it out and always keeps a hand in his commander's vicinity if he needs it. He likes that Erwin can cry in front of him, even if it's a little awkward the morning after. It reminds Levi that his commander is simply a human, like the rest of them. On the outside, no. On the outside, he's steel-faced and self-assured, poised and always has a plan. In the end, the tears never leave their nights.
Erwin's not going to break down this night, however. This night, he's focused. Even in the low light, the gaze of his cobalt eyes is dazzling. It's almost intimidating. Levi's had all kinds of sex before, sometimes where neither person has ever bothered to make eye contact. He's been with men, women; sometimes he knew them well and sometimes he never cared to. With Erwin, it's always different. When he's confident and engaged, which is most of the time, he won't let Levi out of his line of sight.
He doesn't know the details of Erwin's sex life. He's never bothered to ask because it will only make him feel worse. After all, a street rat from the Underground doesn't deserve such a polished man from a polished family. The difference in their social statuses is almost nauseating. Levi is Humanity's Strongest, and he's praised to his face, but he knows that Wall Sina and all the pigs who live there haven't forgotten his beginnings.
Before the majority of the Survey Corps witnessed his skill in battle, he was outcast. They couldn't stand the thought that a thief somehow made it to the same spot as dedicated soldiers. They didn't like his anger, his attitude, the way he ate his food, the way he held his weapons. Respect came only when a mission was looking to be a disastrous failure and the only person who could save both it and their lives was Levi.
He never imagined himself loving a man like Erwin, such as pompous ass he thought he was when they met. After Farlan and Isabel, he was certain that he would never have a real human connection again, but Erwin gained his trust more quickly than he likes to admit.
When they finish, the commander rolls himself to the other side of his bed, catching his breath. Like the other nights, Levi puts his arms behind his head and stares at the ceiling, imagining their circumstances were better. In a perfect world, he has no one else but Erwin. They forget all about the titans. Erwin forgets the guilt of his father's death and Levi forgets his years with Kenny in the Underground. Farlan and Isabel are somewhere else where they can see the sun and moon, healthy and happy.
Levi often wonders if people can read it in his face. Do they catch his sidelong glances at Erwin, his bright eyes and faint smiles? Do they spend too much time together during the day? Do they see that sometimes on expeditions, Levi's line of sight is so focused on Erwin's horse that he could ride right into a titan's gaping mouth?
"I need you, Levi," Erwin mutters, pulling him from his thoughts.
"We all need you," Levi responds in a whisper. It was difficult to say "we" instead of "I."
He often wants an angry bruise from his commander, a reason to hate him, to kill what he feels for him, but he'll never receive it from this man. And he wants to be with nobody but this man. Erwin doesn't bruise. He kisses and speaks softly. Yet with all this tenderness, Levi can't ask for love.
Some questions are never meant to be asked.