chapter one.
Waking up. Wheres the point to life? I have no reason to get out of bed yet my father keeps screaming. As if nothings wrong I start yet another day. I stop and look in my old dirty mirror. The reflection of a broken girl. Lost like something impotant has been taken from her. Like a child without its blanket. suddenly I feel cold and alone. Then I realize the time, the normal world doesnt wait for us who get lost in our minds...traped. Rushing throwing on any shirt I can find. Ripping through my hair with the brush. Only to run down stairs still with no shoes to get yet another lecture on how self centered I am. Does he ever stop screaming? I flow into my jail sentence. Take them damn pill. Drink the damn shake. Im not a zombie I wish my oppinion mattered. We climb into the truck that i cant wait to be mine. The seats the smell. I get a wave of comfort. Then he sits down. Lets see what type of day hes ganna make it today. I stare out my window and he stares at the rode. In silence we drive to school. Coming to a stop we say our robotic I love yous and I run up to enter my hell. Alone.
I run into my first period class. Sitting down as the bell rings. The teacher makes a comment something like "oh Bella so nice to see you join us." Bitch please, your lucky I got out of bed to come see you. Of course I would never say that. Im the good girl. I simply duck my head and think only six more periods.
I go through my morning adding the right smile at the right times. Everyone thinks im okay. Ohh the things you can hide behind a well placed smile. I wear mine like a mask. No one sees my true identity. People are so self centered they cant see my cry for help. But I push through these last pointless periods, for him. Then finally I am in gym. Yes this is a good thing. As I flaunt my mastered skill of avoiding the teachers rath all I can think of is him. Those beautiful deap eyes. That breath taking smile. His angelic laugh. And oh god the smell of him. The memory makes my head spin and I close my eyes. Big mistake.
Finally! As I walk into the dirty smell of the lunch room, I cant even feel the throbing pain in my head. Yes the damn ball hit me, happens all the time. But none of that mattered. In only a few seconds I would see him. As I sit down I notice im not breathing. Shit breathe Bella breathe, hes a boy not God. Then I see him. Walking in as if he had not a care in the world. He was smilling. My heart felt as if it were going to explode. As he sits down I cant take my eyes off him. His swift movments the way he stood out. His perfect smile. I didnt even notice my friends taking their seats next to me. I am glued to him. Like he was a trap that had sucked me in. I was caught. He looked up right at me. And as if in a dream I had just awoke from I looked away blushing. I could already hear Eric's comment "wow Bella, why do you even like him?" How to explain a love I didnt understand myself? "Shut up" was my simple reply. The next twenty minutes were spent looking out my feet. Wanting nothing more than to cry.
The bell rings and my adomatic reactions kick in. Jumping up grabing my bag I chase after him. I trip a few times as I push through the sea of students to get next to him. Of course he has forgot me once again. Even though realizing this hurts I know I will always chase after him. I dont know which hurts more. Being forgoten or knowing I wont ever give up on something ill never have again. I can feel his gaze turn to me and I know he remembers his burden again. How I wish I could set him free. I muster up enough courage to look into his beautiful eyes. As soon as I do I swear my heart stops. How could a plain human be so breath taking? Then again there is nothing plain about my Edward. Scratch that not mine. Damn Bella get over it. I hear him say "hi" as a small smile spreads across his perfect lips. The pain in my cheast then stops. As if his smile heals my heart. We make small talk after this all the way to the hallway where he leaves me. I scurry to my next class. All eyes are on me as I run in and slam my head down on my desk.
Mike leans over and nudges me. I lift my head to the worried look on my poor friends face. "You okay?" he says. "Fine" is all I manage to spit out. He gives me a smile and I cant help but flash one back. "It will all get better" he says in a calm voice. If he only knew the pain eating away at me. I feel bad but I have no choice but to ignore Mike. I am to wraped up in my own thoughts. I close my eyes... Next thing I know the bell is ringing and Mike's hand is on my shoulder. "Come on Bella go home."
I run out into the hall and all ready people are running around like they have lost their minds. I get shoved and punched and when I really start getting pissed I hit back. Im not mad at my fellow students though. We all just want out of this hell. Walking past Alice I simply grab her. "Bella what happened today, you arnt looking to good." With tears in my eyes I turn around and somehow choke out "Edward..." My bestfriend then takes me in her arms and gives me one of those hugs that makes you feel better than any words could. People stare as we stand there like that for some while. We dont care. She then links her arm with mine and dragges me toward the door. Once outside of the school I notice the rain falling. Already I feel better. Then I see him. He remembered! He seems to have a light to him. As if he has a glow around him which is bright even on this dark day. I start to feel warm. As if my feet have a mind of their own I move forward leaving Alice behind. I walk up to Edward and look in his eyes. "Ive got to go now" he says. Already so soon. He goes to turn around but without a second thought I wrap my arms around him. As if I deserve to be this close to him. He puts a simple hand on my back. Patting it once. I take in this moment. The feel of him the smell. It is as if I am saving it in my memory for later. All to soon he pulls away as if I wasent there and runs to his ride. Alice comes up behind me. I can feel her hate for Edward as she shoots him an evil look. She grabs me by the hand and leads me away. But my eyes are still on him. Running away from me.
As soon as Alice and I enter my house I run straight for my room. In a frenzy I violently throw my shit to the floor. Then with my hands in my hair I crash down on my bed. Alice enters moments later. By now I am sobing into my pillow trying to hold in the heart broken screams threatening to break through my lips. All Alice knows to do is place one hand tenderly on my back. This lets me know she is here but we both know I dont want to talk about it. What is there to talk about anyway? I am broken. Will I ever heal? Doubt it. Everyone says "Bella your only fourteen god calm down." But do they really understand? I feel alone with my feelings. So deadly alone. I sit there and cry for hours. Alice never leaves my side. She sleeps a bit but at least shes there. When it comes time for her to go she hugs me tight holding me close. She whispers "I love you." With burning tears rolling down my face I softly say "I love you too." Not wanting to let her go I watch her silently slip out my door. I am alone. I hate it for I know now the flashbacks and nightmares will start.