Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is probably glad that I do not own him.
Kevin Whitby was mentioned being sorted into Hufflepuff in GoF. So he IS a canon character! (Sorta) Please review, if you can spare one minute of your precious time to help a wretched soul like me.
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My name is Kevin Whitby. I'm a third year at Hogwarts. I'm in Hufflepuff. My hobbies are sleeping, eating, reading (only on occasion) and causing general mayhem. My role models are Fred and George Weasley.
Yeah, I know, utter crap, right? It sounds like a bad writing assignment that they might give you in a Muggle school.
So...meet me, Kevin Whitby. My friends, Ella Branstone and Owen Cauldwell, are what other people have described as "troublemakers." We see ourselves more as "humor enhancers," but, hey, it's all a matter of perspective. I am short, pale, freckly, and skinny. I have messy mousy-brown hair that Eleanor once described as "the color of owl pellets and the texture of moldy straw." To which I replied "May I quote you on that?" She grinned evilly.
I'm a half-blood. My mum works for the Misuse of Magic office, and my dad is a Muggle comedian. 'Nuff said. My father tells a story about going to tell my mum's mum that they wanted to get married. Gran just started laughing.
Owen, Ella, and I cause a lot of mayhem at school. The professors don't really appreciate our antics most of the time. I think part of the problem is that I'm just a smart-ass. The other part of the problem is probably my constant references to Muggle pop culture. Like when I called Professor Flitwick "Yoda." He didn't get it, but he gave me lines anyway.
Once, I told Professor McGonagall that she took herself too seriously. Boy, did I pay for that. Not only did I lose my bet with Owen, but I spent an hour scrubbing desks with a very frightening cat watching me.
Another time, in Potions class, I followed the directions for a Calming Draught in reverse order, just to see what would happen. Turns out you get a fizzy, neon-green potion that looks and tastes suspiciously like Mountain Dew. And a week's worth of detentions.
There are so many of these stories. Eventually all the teachers lost it, and gave me one huge list of lines to copy. They called it "Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts." It was a list of, oh, say, 150 rules that I expressly had to follow.
Eleanor and Owen found the whole thing pathetically comical. Owen, due to some genius of his, figured how to get a laptop working at Hogwarts, complete with Wi-Fi. He put the whole list on the internet. Eleanor, having been raised by two magical parents, still doesn't understand this. She thinks the internet only exists inside Owen's computer, and simply can't comprehend how all those other MySpace users can see his page.
But the awful thing is, everyone thinks these things are funny, but none of the Muggles actually believe that someone was actually at Hogwarts, causing all that mayhem. I mean, who doesn't want credit for their work?
So here is my story. I don't really suggest drinking milk while reading it, unless you really love spraying milk out of your nose. (I know I do)
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I got the idea for the story from those icons that are "Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts." I thought they would all make funny stories. This is a prequel of sorts. Please reivew. Constructive crticism would be nice. I know it's not worth your precious time to help a wretched novice like me, but I know if you look into the inner confines of your soul you'll be able to find the goodness to review.