/You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to choose the right character for a story, in which any character would do just fine because it doesn't make any sense to begin with./
Pharah entered the meeting room in the Overwatch Headquarters after being five hours late.
"You're late again, we've just finished." Jack Morrison said, "Nice to see that you care about this organization."
"Fareeha, MY CHILD, have you been dildoing yourself all this time again? What did I tell you?" Ana asked.
"I bet she's just had a terrible case of diarrhea." Torbjorn, that fucking dwarf, said.
Pharah looked at them and said:
"I couldn't come because I was practicing Slav Squats."
"Practicing what?" Jack asked.
"Take a look." And then Pharah performed a Slav Squat, "This is a Slav Squat, you squat like this and it makes you look like a true Slav."
"So you're telling me that you skipped five hours of an important meeting to do squats?" Ana asked.
"You think it's that easy, BITCH?! Then go on, try it."
And then Ana squatted.
"I don't feel much Slavier in any way." She stated.
"That's because you're squatting on your toes, meaning that you're a fucking western spy."
"Huh?"
"You must be destroyed."
And then Pharah turned around, put her pants down, bent over, and a rocket launcher peeped out of her asshole aiming at Ana, and then it launched a rocket which destroyed Pharah's mother.
"Not this bullshit again…" Torbjorn sighed, "You can't just kill anyone who doesn't agree with you."
"I'll call Mercy." Jack stated, "Boop beep beep boop beep, Hello? Mercy? Yeah, that bitch did it again. Yes, we're on the second floor in the meeting room. Great, thanks."
"Jack, you piece of shit, how dare you reject GOD?!" Pharah asked furiously.
"What do you mean?" Jack replied.
"You're denying the circle of life and death by intending to resurrect my mom."
"U w0t."
"Hey guys, I just crapped yourself." Torbjorn added.
"Don't you mean 'I just crapped myself' ?" Jack asked.
"Don't you dare try to tell me how I should live my life, you fucking scum." Torb said.
"Ohhh, now you've crossed the line." Jack snapped his fingers, "I challenge you to a duel."
"I accept your challenge, fgt."
And then they took out plastic toy guns and pretended to shoot each other. Pharah was watching while eating peenuts.
"BANG you're dead, I shot you in the head. HAH!" Torbjorn laughed.
"WHAT?! I shot you three times in the head and you didn't even die! THAT AIN'T FAIR!" Jack screamed.
"Nenenenenene! I won and you SUCK!"
"YOUR MOM!"
"DAFUQ DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY MOM NIGGA?!"
"YOU WANNA FEEL MY WRATH?!"
"THE ONLY THING I CAN FEEL RIGHT NOW IS YOUR MOM'S TIGHT PINKY STINKY ANUS!"
And then they killed each other by putting their dicks into another's asshole and detonating them inside.
After that, Mercy walked in.
"What the fuck is going on in here?" she asked.
"Hey Mercy, check out my Slav Squat." Pharah said and Slav Squatted.
"Wow, that's actually pretty impressive." Mercy stated.
"You should try it too."
And so Mercy tried and she did it.
"Wow! :0 You've actually done that! And that was your first try!"
"I know right? Also, I feel much Slavier already."
And then some sick hardbass started playing out of Mercy's asshole. Mercy and Pharah began dancing to the beat, and after they got tired, they simply Slav Squatted and started bouncing with their right hands.
After ten hours of what the fuck, it was already midnight.
"Look Mercy, tonight's full moon!" Pharah pointed out of the window.
"Oh no…" Mercy trembled with fear, "This can't be…"
"What? What's going on?"
"During full moon I turn into..."
And then she turned into a big fucking terrifying monster that was UNDESCRIBABLE. The monster grabbed Pharah and inserted her into its anus, but Pharah was smart and she came out through the other anus, of course. She grabbed her rocker launcher and aimed it at the monster.
"How do they say it in movies? Oh right! … oh wait, I forgot. WHATEVER, you're DED!" and then she pulled the trigger, but it didn't shoot anything because the rocket launcher was all covered in shit.
"Well damn." Pharah said her last words, before self-detonating to save the world from the monster. Unfortunately, she wasn't aware that the explosion would not just destroy the monster, but also the entire Solar system.
THE END
I ate shit for dinner today.