Razors, Pills and Other Methods of Suicide
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
standard disclaimers
NOTE: A kind of spoof
So you're a fanfic fan. My name is Kuonji
Ukyou. I'm sure, by now, you know me, so I'll spare you
the introduction speech. Leaving so soon? Do me a favor,
then. If you catch Ranchan, tell him I'm looking for him.
You're
snickering. Why?
I'm WHAT?! I don't think
so. Get back here, and SIT DOWN! Now, let me know where
you ever got that idea? Honestly, like I would WANT to marry
him. I mean, he's... he's... my best friend. Why can't anyone
believe a guy and girl can be just friends? Everyone's determined that
they're sleeping together or something equally disgusting. The very
idea gives me shudders- it'd be like sleeping with my own brother!
You
actually believe that stuff you read? Please excuse me- I'm
laughing so hard that I need a glass of water.
Ok, I'm
back. You, honey, need some clarification. And maybe a few
good whacks upside the head- since you're not a martial artist, I guess I'll
just have to make do with one of my smaller spatulas. SIT RIGHT BACK
DOWN! That was a joke- don't you have any sense of humor? You
go ahead and ask questions, and I'll do my best to answer them- just remember,
my opinion isn't entirely unbiased.
Ranma? My former fiancee-
our parents betrothed us when we were about six. Then Genma (stupid man
that he was) ditches me and takes off with my dowry! Can you
imagine?! Well, Ranma himself is a lot more honorable then his father-
wonder where he got it from. His mother is an odd unit, if you get
my drift. Ranma himself is chavaunistic and prideful, but underneath, he's
got a heart of gold. Just doesn't show it very often.
His
curse? Well, that's real. For a while I thought he was
just a cross dresser, but that wasn't true. Needless to say, that was the
last straw for me. I am a hundred-percent woman, and there is NO WAY
I'm going to be engaged to a guy who has a figure better then mine, even if it's
only for half the time. Besides, about that time I met Konatsu.
Konatsu? Stop shuddering. You're not one of my
fan-boys, are you? Thanks to this whole fanfic community, I've got a
reputation of being a psycho, suicidal, a martyr or a saint.
Sorry, honey, but I'm not any of those. And 'Natsu-chan is as very nice
person- I think we might get married, someday. I have nothing against
cross-dressing- remember, I do it myself from time to time.
This
suicide thing, though, simply has to stop! First thiung, I don't own
a gun. Why would I need one? I am a master of the Kounji
School of Okonomiyaki Martial Arts. Seems that small fact doesn't
come up very often- remember, when I met Genma, I managed to trounce him.
I am quite capable of taking care of myself. You're making me wander off
subject, jackass! My point was that since I don't own a gun, those cute
scenes of me and a bullet through the brain just aren't there!
Let's
see. Razors? Pills? Please! Like I'd
be that stupid! If I WAS going to kill myself, it would be in a quick way-
maybe I'd challenge a certain Amazon to a battle. Even if I won, I'd end
up getting the kiss of death. It'd be an honorable way to die-
and since I'm a martial artist, honor's important. Or do I need remind you
about that damned cart? But I wouldn't want to give that hussy the
satisfaction of killing me.
Ok, I've eliminated the more common
methods of ditching Ukyou. And no, I'm not going to dive in front of
a car or train anytime soon.
I just wonder why everyone seems to want
me dead. I'm a lot cuter then any of the other fiancees (not that I
consider myself one anymore) and a lot nicer, too. Nice as I am, though, I
am getting EXTREMELY TIRED of being knocked off. I swear, the next
fanfic writer who tries to kill me is gonna get killed himself.
Wait a
sec. Why are you glancing at the door? What's that paper you
have behind your back? Hmm... interesting read. One thing I want to
know- do you perfer red roses or black ones for your casket? I have
a few aquantainces who'll give me a good deal. Sorry, sugar- you've just
written yourself into a corner...
THE END