Someone More Like You
"A little more to the left," said Gideon, watching a mover place a box inside the new bakery. He looked around and inhaled in triumph. He turned back to his entourage of workers. "Thanks to all your hard work, we'll be able to open up our very first store in Zootopia! And, where's my new franchisee?"
"Over here!" shouted a nanny goat in the crowd, as Gideon tossed her the keys to the store.
"You'll take good care of the place, won't you?" he asked. She nodded. "Then I'll leave everything to you."
As Gideon wandered back to his truck, a chubby cheetah caught his eyes. "Hi, Freddie! Hi, Tommy! Hi, Mrs. Kole!" he said, as he ran past. When he got to Gideon's truck he said, "Hi, delicious smelling unfamiliar truck!" Then he stopped short and turned right around.
"Oh, hello, there, have we met?" he asked the driver.
"Oh, no, we sure haven't," the driver responded. "I'm Gideon Grey."
"I think that name is so cool! With the double G's! My name is Benjamin Clawhauser!" he responded.
"Well, thank you…" Gideon said shyly. "I love your name too. Benjamin Clawhauser. I ain't no poet or nothin', but if I were… your name would fit perfectly."
Clawhauser giggled. "So, are you from around here?"
"Nope, I'm from Bunnyburrow," Gideon said, "Truthfully, I'm only going to be here for a few days, then I have to head back."
"Oh, Bunnyburrow!" Clawhauser said, "Do you know Officer Judy Hopps!?"
"I do indeed, we grew up together," Gideon said, nodding.
"You two were friends in childhood?" Clawhauser asked curiously.
"Not… exactly…" Gideon said.
"Oh," Clawhauser said, "Well, that's okay. So your truck smells amazing."
"Oh, yeah, that must be the baked goods," Gideon said.
"Baked goods!? You're a baker!" Clawhauser said, and then bounced up and down.
"Pastry chef actually," Gideon said, "Don't meet a lot of cats interested in my wares, being obligate carnivores and all."
"You invent recipes? That's amazing! And yeah I get that a lot but I'm a cheetah it's not like I'd look like this if I ate only fish and bugs all day I need some variety too you know and I might as well…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down," Gideon said.
"Oh, in all the excitement did I forget to mention that I'm a cheetah?" Clawhauser asked without a hint of irony.
"Nope, but you know… I'm not, so…" Gideon said.
"Oh, right," Clawhauser said, before giggling uncontrollably.
"You are just a peach, aren't you?" Gideon asked.
"Thank you," Clawhauser said, with his tail curling up.
"Why don't I give you one of my spice cakes on the house?" Gideon asked.
"OMGoodness thank you!" Clawhauser said before tackle-hugging Gideon and knocking him over.
"You sure are friendly…" Gideon said.
"Thanks I get that a lot too," Clawhauser said, getting up.
"Well, I have to head back in a couple of days, but maybe… we'll meet again in the meantime?" Gideon asked.
"I'd like that," Clawhauser said, beaming. He picked up his complimentary spice cake and then checked his watch. "Oh no! I'm going to be late for being early! See you later, Gideon." He ran off.
Gideon sighed.
Bogo was surprised to see that Clawhauser wasn't eating donuts on his break, but slices of a cake. "Where did you get that cake?"
"Hmm?" Clawhauser asked. "Oh, this? Gideon gave it to me."
"Who's Gideon?" Bogo asked.
"Oh? Just some guy I met today who's a pastry chef," Clawhauser said.
"You met… a pastry chef today?" Bogo asked.
"Yes, sir!" Clawhauser said.
"A guy pastry chef," Bogo continued.
"Yeah, a guy pastry chef," Clawhauser said. "He's so cool. I hope I can see him again."
"I hope so too," Bogo said half-heartedly. Truthfully, he felt a twinge of what seemed to be anger in his chest and he couldn't explain why.
The next day, Clawhauser did run into Gideon sitting on a park bench after work. "Hey, Gideon!"
"Benjamin!" Gideon said, smiling.
"You can call me Ben or Benny or Benji or Clawhauser or Clawsy or The Real-Life Santa Claws or B to the Claw if Benjamin isn't your favorite," Clawhauser responded.
"Uh, okay, I think of those choices I'll go with Ben," Gideon said, scooting to the side and patting the empty seat beside him.
"No one ever calls me B to the Claw," Clawhauser said, pouting and sitting beside Gideon.
"Is that your preference?" Gideon asked.
"No, I just think it's funny," Clawhauser responded.
"Oh, okay," Gideon said. "So… uh… what do you do for a living?"
"I'm the front desk officer for the ZPD," Clawhauser said.
"No foolin'?" Gideon asked.
"Oh, sure, lots of mammals underestimate my ability to do the job because of my… well, tendency to go on weird tangents and say things they think are obvious, but the Chief often lets me know what a good job I'm doing, and well, he's a tough boss to please. Or so they say, but I've never had much trouble with it."
"You know, you and me, we're not that different," Gideon said, "Everyone thinks I'm real dumb on account of the way I talk, but… if I were really that dumb I wouldn't be able to be this successful."
"And the Chief said if I was stupid I wouldn't be able to… um… I don't know. It made sense when he said it," Clawhauser said, shrugging. "But anyway, I just had an idea to increase the output in your bakeries."
"How?" Gideon asked.
"Hire cheetahs," Clawhauser said. "The workforce is full of eager cheetahs ready to prove themselves getting the doors slammed in their faces due to being, ahem, 'overqualified'."
"Did that happen to you?" Gideon asked.
"Yes," Clawhauser said, "Looking for a desk job as a cheetah is about a dozen times worse because they always think we're 'overqualified', which we all know is code for 'will get restless and bolt in an instant'. Ah, stereotypes."
"Well, if it's all the same… you're not a very stereotypical predator," Gideon responded.
"Neither are you," Clawhauser said.
Unbeknownst to either of them, Bogo was around the corner observing their banter. He wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying but he could tell they were enjoying themselves and that was enough to make him feel that unexplained rage again.
"Anyway, I should get going now," Clawhauser said, waved goodbye to Gideon and left. Gideon remained seated on the bench with a soft smile. He then realized that someone was standing in front of him. He looked up to see the glaring face of a 2000-pound buffalo. He gulped.
"Can I help you sir?" Gideon asked.
"You sure can," Bogo said, "I believe we've yet to meet. Chief Bogo, ZPD. How are you doing?"
"Fine, officer. Have I done something wrong?" Gideon asked.
"Not as of yet," Bogo responded. He sighed. "But you and Benjamin Clawhauser seem to be getting pretty… chummy."
"Well of course," Gideon said, "He's so lively and bubbly."
"Bubbly is a good way to put it," Bogo said, "You know the most important thing about bubbles?"
"They're cute and whimsical and bring to mind childhood fun?" Gideon asked.
"They're fragile," Bogo said. "One wrong move and they. Go. Pop."
"What are you saying?" Gideon asked.
"I'm saying that if you hurt Benjamin Clawhauser then I will make sure to punish you to the full extent of the law," Bogo said. "Good day, sir." He started to walk away while giving an 'I'm watching you' gesture.
"Gosh, Officer," Gideon said, causing Bogo to stop in his tracks. "You don't have to worry about me hurtin' anyone. I used to be aggressive but I worked it all out in therapy and now? Well," he continued with a chuckle, "I wouldn't hurt a fly."
"I'll make sure to do a thorough background check on you later," Bogo said without turning around, "And it's Chief."
"Whoa…" Gideon said.
The next day, Gideon was packing up to leave for Bunnyburrow. He decided to make a stop at the ZPD, where he found Clawhauser. "Hey, Ben?" Gideon asked.
"Yeah?" Clawhauser asked.
"I'm gonna be leaving for Bunnyburrow tomorrow morning," he said. "Would you like to go to dinner with me one last time?"
"Oh, sure!" Clawhauser said. "That'd be fun. I'll meet you at Bug Burga."
"Say 6:30?" Gideon asked.
"Sounds great," Clawhauser responded as he casually munched on a donut.
At the end of the work day, Clawhauser was preparing to leave the office. Bogo saw him and asked him, "Hey, do you have any plans tonight?"
Clawhauser giggled and then said, "Yeah, I'm just going to get some burgers with Gideon."
"Gideon Grey? The pastry chef? The chubby predator pastry chef?" Bogo asked.
"Yeah, it's amazing how much we have in common. He gets underestimated about his skills because of the way he talks too! And he's so nice!" Clawhauser said.
"Nice," Bogo said, "You know, he took mandated anger management therapy in his adolescence."
"Really?" Clawhauser asked, "Huh. Well, I guess it worked."
"Clawhauser, I don't want you spending time with this guy!" Bogo blurted out.
"Why not?" Clawhauser asked, cocking his head.
"Because…" Bogo said, inhaling, "Because I just have a weird feeling about him, okay?"
"Weird feeling? I'm telling you I don't see any reason not to trust him and… wait… maybe… are you—oh my—" Clawhauser said, and then he covered his mouth. "See you soon, Chief." His face heated up as he rushed off to Bug Burga.
Bogo deeply sighed. He went over to a nearby veggie café, where he sat down. "I'll take a giant salad, please," he said to the giraffe taking orders.
"Dining alone tonight?" asked a kudu from a nearby table.
"Yeah…" Bogo said. "I'm beginning to think that my love life is hopeless."
"Hopeless?" the kudu asked. "Now, why would you say a thing like that? You're still single right?"
"Single as they come," Bogo said, sighing sadly.
"Hey, that's already better than where I am," the kudu responded. "The old ball and chain, so to speak, is in the restroom now."
"Please don't make fun of me," Bogo responded, "I spent upwards of two decades trying to figure out who I liked and then I meet a wonderful catch but let's face it. He deserves to have someone more like him."
"Do you think that marrying someone who's exactly like you is a good idea?" the kudu asked.
"Well, I mean, it couldn't hurt," Bogo said. The kudu began to laugh hysterically. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing," said the kudu. "I'm going to go back to the salad bar."
Meanwhile, an oryx walked out the door. "Oh, hey," he said.
"Hello," Bogo said. "And who are you?"
"The name is Pronk Oryx-Antlerson," he responded. "I'm looking for my spouse but I don't know where he got to. Stupid Bucky always getting lost. I'll hold the fort he said. It's no big deal he said. Where the heck did he get to?"
"You call your husband stupid?" Bogo asked. "That's hardly encouraging."
"Oh my god! There you are!" Pronk said.
"Sorry I needed food, your highness," Bucky said, rolling his eyes.
"You were supposed to wait for me to get back," Pronk continued.
"Well maybe if you didn't take ten minutes to use the bathroom like a girl," Bucky said.
"Well maybe if you didn't give me seven pounds of oatmeal for a midafternoon snack," Pronk said.
"I told you that was supposed to be for grazing!" Bucky said.
"Shut up!" they both shouted in unison. "No you! No you!"
"Wait wait wait. You two are married," Bogo said.
"Yes," they responded in unison.
"To… each other," Bogo said.
"Yes," they responded in unison.
Bogo asked, suddenly raising his voice, "Why!?"
They looked at each other in confusion. Bogo continued, "It's the looks isn't it? You guys got married just based on looks."
"No, it's because we have so much in common," Bucky said proudly.
"We sure do have a lot in common, don't we?" Pronk asked.
"Like hating each other? Or being too goddamn stubborn to compromise? Or acting like crass adolescents?" Bogo asked.
"And we like to yell. A lot," Bucky added without criticism.
"Those aren't good things to have in common!" Bogo said. "The types of commonalities you want are things that can strengthen your relationship. Things like being honest about everything, sharing little interests, understanding how hard social mores can be to follow… what you've got just makes it worse!"
Bogo sighed. "I don't know how I didn't see it sooner. I don't have to have everything in common with Clawhauser. If he was more like me, our relationship would probably look like yours… but, of course, Clawhauser isn't like me, he's so much less stubborn, as is this Gideon guy. Which is how I got into this predicament in the first place. I just wish I knew what to do."
Meanwhile at Bug Burga, Clawhauser and Gideon were eating burgers. They sat in awkward silence for a few seconds, neither of them knowing how to broach the uncomfortable subject hanging in the air. Gideon eventually broke the ice. "So, uhh… the Chief of Police confronted me in the park."
"He did?" Clawhauser asked.
"He said he didn't want me to hurt you," Gideon said.
"Well he is very protective," Clawhauser said. "I wouldn't worry though, unless you do something mean, he's actually a lot sweeter than he seems from first glance."
"I'm sure he must be," Gideon said.
"Oh, actually the Chief is wonderful. To be honest, though, he seems to be jealous of you," Clawhauser said.
"He is jealous of me?" Gideon asked.
"Yeah, but I don't know why. I mean you're nice and all but so is he deep down and besides that he's brilliant and deep down he's kind of a dork just like me, and he's so brave and strong and the way he takes command is breathtaking… not to mention he's gorgeous I mean hotter than the sun. Or a ghost pepper. Or a ghost pepper on the sun or…"
"You like him," Gideon said.
"I…" Clawhauser said. "H-How did you know that?"
"Ben, you are a lively, bubbly cheetah, but I ain't never heard you say anything like that about anyone else," Gideon said, "Least of all me."
"Gideon…" Clawhauser said.
"You don't have to explain anything," Gideon said, "Benjamin. You are the sweetest, cutest, most fun to be around mammal I have ever met. But… you're not mine."
"I'm…" Clawhauser said.
"Don't say anything, Ben. You belong with Chief Bogo," Gideon said. "He completes you in a way I never could."
"Gideon, I thought these were just friendly get-togethers, and if I… if I ever led you to believe anything else, I'm sorry," Clawhauser said.
"No, Ben," Gideon said, "But I think that Chief Bogo would be happier knowing that I'm not going to be fighting him for you."
"Thanks, Gideon," Clawhauser said, hugging Gideon one last time and heading out.
Clawhauser and Bogo walked up to each other in the parking lot. "Chief Bogo…" Clawhauser said.
"Clawhauser…" Bogo responded. "How was your date?"
"It wasn't a date," Clawhauser said.
"Oh, it wasn't?" Bogo asked.
"No, Chief," Clawhauser said, "Gideon and I are just friends."
"Are you sure?" Bogo asked.
"Well, he might have a crush on me, but he's already told me he's not going to pursue me," Clawhauser said.
"But… what about all the stuff you have in common?" Bogo asked.
"I like having friends I have things in common with but as far as dating is concerned? I need someone who has some things in common with me, sure, like being honest about everything, sharing little interests, knowing how hard it is to be normal socially… but I also want someone who can lead me and provide adamant counterpoint to my crazier ideas. And Gideon, well, he wasn't all that much more assertive than I was."
"And… that's a problem too?" Bogo asked.
"Well, you know, I'm pretty sure Gideon wouldn't confront a strange guy after my heart he was worried would hurt me," Clawhauser said. "And if the threat turned out to be viable?"
"Clawhauser, I confronted Gideon at the park," Bogo said.
"I know," Clawhauser said, "He told me."
"He told you?" Bogo asked. "Oh."
"And I told him you seemed jealous of him," Clawhauser said. "But that you really didn't need to because… well…"
"I… Clawhauser… do you like me?" Bogo asked.
"I love you," Clawhauser said, as his eyes slowly narrowed.
"Even though I'm cynical," Bogo said.
"Grounded in reality," Clawhauser responded.
"And stubborn?"
"Assertive!"
"And reserved?"
"A good listener who cares about deep connections!" Clawhauser said. "So do you like me?"
"I love you," Bogo said, cupping Clawhauser's face between his hooves.
"Even though I'm so blindly optimistic?" Clawhauser asked.
"You're like sunshine on a cloudy day," Bogo said.
"And passive?"
"Keen for compromise!"
"Chatty?"
"Keeps the conversation going when I'm stuck," Bogo finished before giving Clawhauser a quick kiss on the lips. "Clawhauser, will you complement me?"
"Sure," Clawhauser said, then rubbed his head against Bogo's shoulder. "You have a sexy chest."
"No, that's not what I meant," Bogo said.
"Huh?" Clawhauser asked.
"No, I meant, will you be my equal and opposite counterpart?" Bogo asked.
"Oh, oh, that kind of 'complement'," Clawhauser said, before giggling. "Of course I will. Sorry."
"You don't have anything to apologize for, but I think maybe I do," Bogo said. "When did you say this Gideon guy was leaving town?"
"Oh, tomorrow morning," Clawhauser said.
"I think I should pay him one last visit," Bogo said.
Bogo found Gideon parking his truck outside a motel. "Oh, Chief Bogo," Gideon said, "You don't have to worry about me hurting Ben anymore."
"Actually," Bogo said, "I came over here because I realize that I never did in the first place. You didn't do anything to suggest that you would. I had a weird feeling about you but I realize that this feeling wasn't based on anything except for, well, territorial instincts."
"Yeah, he said you seemed jealous," Gideon said.
"But… I realize now that I had nothing to be jealous of," Bogo said.
"Uh, thanks?" Gideon said tentatively, not sure whether to be offended or not by that statement.
"You and Benjamin can be friends and I know that nothing will come of it. You're not his type. You're closer to mine but, well…" Bogo said.
"Well, I'm flattered but…" Gideon said.
"I'm not your type?" Bogo asked.
"Not really, no. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against prey, my last girlfriend was a ewe, but I don't really like the big giant ones that could kill me by looking at me funny," Gideon said.
"Careful what you say to us," Bogo said, eyeing Gideon suspiciously, and then smirking when he saw Gideon's eyes widen. "I'm just kidding, Gideon. You don't have anything to worry about."
"Oh, oh, good," Gideon said. "Oh and Chief?"
"Yes?" Bogo asked.
"Take care of Ben for me," Gideon said.
"No worries, Gid," Bogo said, smiling as he walked away. "I couldn't not do that if I tried."