Alicia has finally had a bit of time just to allow herself to sit down on her couch and have a glass –well a bottle- of her favorite red wine. Grace was at her father's place, Zach was at college, the house was entirely empty and silent.
Actually the silence was bothering Alicia, because it gave her the chance to think about the weird year –life- that was behind her. Her mind kept going on with the tragedy that happened to Will –rather say what happened to them- she hated herself because she was not there. She didn't get the chance to say goodbye to her love, friend and enemy.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
If she wanted to be entirely honest with her own self, she's been in love with Will, for 20 years. She knew she loved him, she knew she would fall back in love with him… she knew that she never actuallystopped loving him. She was scared. William Gardner became her biggest fear of life. And now, as she remembers back on all the glances, kisses and jokes they've shared through the years all she wants to do is crying. To finally let it all out, let him go. But how? She was addicted, he was the dealer and their love –oh that passionate and burning love- was the drug. She couldn't just forget him, not in a thousand years. He was there when she was asleep, he was there when she was awake. There was no escape from Will. He was there in everything Alicia Cavanaugh has done. She was doing everything for him, she knew it. He was gone. She knew. But she simply couldn't move on. Not yet. Oh, but did she really want to move on? She was not even sure.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
She got up from the couch and got a box from her wardrobe. „Alicia – College" it said. She held it close to her chest and walked back to the couch, she put the box on the coffee table and just stared at it for a while. She inhaled and exhaled deeply and finally got the courage to open up the box, filled with memories from those happy days.
The thing is that Will and her never really cleared what they had back at Georgetown, they were friends, they have studied together for long hours, they have been on a few dates, they have slept together. But they never walked in anywhere holding each other's hands, they would have never shared a kiss in public.
And then she met Peter, how foolish she was back at then, how blind. She has dumped a guy who treated her very well and loved her from the bottom of his heart for Peter. The guy who has knocked her up and then married her.
Alicia now shook her head to make these thoughts and memories go away. The first thing she got in her hand from the box was her diary from the first two years of Law School. She's opened it up and the first phrases came across her eyes were „Mr. Georgetown was earlier than me this morning, but I smell burnt pancakes, so I better go and help him now." She couldn't help but smile, she could exactly recall how awful cook Will was. If he tried to make any kind of food for her/them it was burnt and they ended up ordering some take-in food. Then she kept reading the diary. „He is the one. Things between us haven't been cleared, I don't know how would he feel about me telling him how I felt. I see him flirting with girls at the campus, but he comes here almost every night and cuddles me until I fall asleep. What is going on? Mr. Georgetown why are you so complicated?! Law compared to you is easy." Her smile was about to fade away because she realized how this was exactly happening to them 15 years later. They couldn't grow up for each others.
She has skipped almost a year in her diary and there was his name, again or still. „The semester is about to be done, we are studying a lot for the exams we take. I feel anxious but Mr. Georgetown is helping me through everything. He says I am the best –I doubt that because he is the best in everything, alright not in expressing emotions… He will be a great lawyer- also he said the other day that as soon as we finish the law school we should start our own firm! Cavanaugh&Gardner, impressive plan. I want it to become true."
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
She couldn't handle it anymore. She was in tears –tears of joy and pain- but giggled stupidly, just like when he was tickling her sides for the very first time. That was the first time he told her she had a good laugh. 15 years later he did again…
There were periods in her life when she couldn't care less about good or bad timing. But now she understands why they had a bad timing. They couldn't come out with their feelings. They were kids. They were unable to look into each others' eyes and say those 3 words out loud.
There were nights when Alicia was rolling in her bed, suffering of insomnia. During those nights she sometimes just sat up on the bed and watched Will. She usually whispered those 3 words, when she was sure he wouldn't hear her.
15 years later they had the same problem. They were full of doubts and fears. She was married and two teenagers were waiting for her at home. He was a name partner at a firm. Whenever they tried to talk it was bad timing. They were too busy. They have probably made their decisions years and years ago about not talking. Even when they thought they had good timing for once in a lifetime they did not. Alicia and Will made love, it was never just sex. They both knew it very well. She loved how he'd explore her body after all these years. He used to know every parts of her body, he knew which body part would be affected by what. He knew she loved kisses on her neck, he could find her hot spot within a second, he knew how to tease her nipples. Will knew every inches of Alicia… Will loved every inches of Alicia.
Her body was shaking of the memories. She was sitting there, the whole world seemed blurred because of the tears in her eyes. She was in pain. She felt empty. She couldn't do this anymore. She threw the diary away and tried to speak, but her voice was shaking and it was very weak. She remembered how Veronica told her to speak to Will. He won't answer but he is going to listen… always and forever.
She took a sip of her red wine, cleared her throat, closed her eyes and whispered.
„I love you Will."
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.